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9AM Tragically, This Misinformation Prevented Debbie From Having Her Bullet Wound Treated
Employee #1: I went to the bathroom and I have a big hole, right in the middle of my crotch.
Employee #2: We all do, sweetie. It's called a vagina.
1907 West Sycamore Street
Kokomo, Indiana
Overheard by: vagina warrior
2PM She Couldn't Find the Container of White Powder
Blond barmaid: What's in a whiskey and coke?
Pesto Café
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: retired from the service industry
12PM His Next Call Is to Napa Auto Parts to Make Dinner Reservations
Hostess: Thank you for calling Napa 29, how can I help you?...I'm sorry, sir, this is a restaurant, not an auto parts store...No sir, this is not Napa Auto Parts...No, sir...Sir, this is a restaurant. I don't know how much a carburetor costs...Sir, I really don't...Three hundred dollars and eighty nine cents...Yes, sir. Have a nice evening.
280 Teller Street, Suite 130
Corona, California
Overheard by: Sara
2PM Astonished at His Success, the Customer Went on to Broker Peace Between the Israelis and the Palestinians
Counter person: Hi, can I help you?
Customer: Yes, I'd like a dinner for twelve, please.
Counter person: Oh, I'm sorry. For orders that large you have to call catering at least twenty-four hours in advance.
Customer: Er, then how about two dinners for six?
Counter person: Oh, sure, we can do that.
Boston Market, Highway 60 and Limona Road
Brandon, Florida
Overheard by: Stefanie
11AM He Got an Oscar for Best Posthumous Cross-Dressing Performance
Woman #1: I saw The Devil Wears Prada this weekend. It was really good, especially Marlon Brando.
Woman #2: Marlon Brando?
Woman #1: You know, that lady! What's her name?
Woman #2: Meryl Streep. Marlon Brando is dead. And a man.
245 5th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM How Does Me Killing You and Assuming Your Identity Sound?
Boss: I found this [correspondence dated a week ago] in my inbox, waiting for my signature. It was Bill Smith's* estate tax return! Why didn't you tell me to check my inbox?? There's all kinds of stuff in there that hasn't gone out. You have to come up with a way for me to check my inbox more regularly so things like this don't happen again!
Secretary: Um, ok? Do you want me to set Outlook reminders that you'll ignore, or would you like to ignore me personally?
900 East Hill Avenue
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: She's Not Psychic
1PM And Then I'll Blow Up His Car
Boss: Well, I'm outta here! Too bad you have to stay!
Janitor: You're not letting him leave early?
Boss: No. I'm the boss. I get to go. He has to stay.
Janitor: Okay. Well, bye.
Boss: Bye! [He leaves]
Janitor: So you're leaving in five minutes, right?
Employee: I'll wait 'til he clears the building.
59 Maiden Lane
New York, New York
12PM Just a Little One That Will Change the Way I See Things
Female customer: My sunglasses are broken. One of the screws fell out, and a guy in here yesterday said they would replace them with a new pair.
Woman behind counter: Oh, I remember you. You're just looking for a screw, right?
Female customer, after entire store stops laughing: Aren't we all, really?
1051 North Rush Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Standing behind you
4PM This Conversation Has Gone Balls-Up
British employee: Well, this was supposed to be completed by now. It looks like it's gone all cock-up.
American #1: What?
British employee: I'm sorry, do you not have that phrase here?
American #2: In America, you can't say cock like that. I shouldn't hear you say cock.
American #1: We say fuck. Fucked up.
British employee: Ok, how's this: Fuck off.
1 Corporate Drive
Orangeburg, New York
5PM And the Smell of Pending Litigation
Electrician: I think I may have made a mistake.
Owner of office: Ya think so? What gave it away, the flames?
528 Newtown Road
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mike
2PM He Placed Out of the Class Where You Learn Not to Be a Jerk
Boss: Hey, do you think you could go down to the cafeteria and get me one of those teeny tiny things of 1% milk for my cereal?
Intern: You know, with my dual degree from business school, I think I may be able to swing that...I'll bring another intern as backup just in case.
555 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM I Quit, Asshole!...I Think It's a Jelly Glazed, But I Can't Tell For Sure.
Division chief: Why are you wearing a visitor pass? What happened to your badge?
Editor: Hey, fuck you, I brought in donuts!
Division chief: How dare you talk to me like that...Is that a Boston Cream?
Pentagon, 48 North Rotary Road
Arlington, Virginia
1PM Look Who's Talking, Dr. Vajayjay
Male nurse #1: I just thought of something. Wouldn't it be so embarassing being a gynecologist? What's your motivation? Man, that would just be so embarrassing.
Male nurse #2: Yeah, especially with your name, Dr. Beaver.
Geisinger Medical Center
Danville, Pennsylvania
4PM Two Words: Vasectomy, Vasectomy
A man holding a child's hand meets up with a woman holding another child's hand.
Man and woman, simultaneously: I thought he was with you!
Man, turning to go back inside: I told you this would happen if you let them outnumber us.
Outside Bloomingdale's, 59th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kim Siddorn
2PM Or Tommy Lee
Female employee #1: ...so if the sun exploded seven minutes ago, we wouldn't know it yet, because it takes eight minutes for the sun's light to reach us.
Male employee: That's depressing! What would you do in those seven minutes?
Female employee #1: If I were at work? Have sex.
Male employee: Isn't that's a lot of pressure on the guy?
Female employee #1: Please. Guys are usually all, "Gimme two minutes!"
Female employee #2: You could do three guys in that time!
Female employee #1: Three and a half!
Boulevard Sacré Coeur
Gatineau, Quebec
Overheard by: Sara
4PM Tell Me What You Think 'Pornography' Is
Salesgirl: Wait, you know Pete*? Oh my God! You have to tell him that I miss jumping on the bed and making pornography with him. He'll know what I mean.
L Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Curious Kat
11AM And Blackmail? That Pretty Legal, Also?
Lawyer: Put your John Hancock on these documents, please.
Daughter: You sure this is legal? I mean, with me being your kid and all?
Lawyer: It is very legal. Far more legal than any of the drugs you have experimented with on my credit card.
Broad Street
Louisville, Georgia
4PM Who's on (Safety) First?
Receptionist: Hello! Thank you for calling Avon Safety*, where safety comes first. How may I direct your call?
Voice #1: How do I direct the call?
Voice #2: [indecipherable]
Voice #1: I don't know. That's all it says...
Receptionist: Hello? This is not a recording.
Voice #1: She said it's a recording.
Receptionist: No! This is not a recording! Hello?
Voice #1: What do I do?
Voice #2: Hang up.
Avon, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Fae
4PM He Runs a Brothel
Supervisor: Different day, same shit.
Employee: That's my favorite saying! "Different day, same shit."
Supervisor: We probably shouldn't swear; I don't want to offend the customers.
Employee: Probably.
Supervisor: You know what my favorite saying is? "Fuck that!"
Mount Prospect, Illinois
3PM The Real Reason Behind the Great Chicago Fire
Engineer #1: If you flush the toilet, you lose water pressure?! So it's like, "Sorry, the dishwasher is running. We have no fire protection."
Pause.
Engineer #2: Who flushes the toilet if their house is on fire?
700 West Capitol Avenue
Little Rock, Arkansas
4PM Can We All Agree That What They Do Is Not 'Acting'?
Client #1: Yeah...[My girlfriend] used to be an actress.
Client #2, looking at photo on client #1's desk: Yeah? I think I have seen her before.
Client #1: Yeah? You watch a lot of porn? She used to be a porn actress.
Client #2: [Silence]
Airport Plaza
Long Beach, California
9AM In the Future, Black People Will Get to Do Things While Whitey Pays to Watch
Black co-worker: Hey, how are you doing today?
Redneck co-worker: If I were you, I wouldn't speak to me today.
Black co-worker: Why is that? What's wrong with you?
Redneck co-worker: I'm not too fond of you black people today. That damn Tiger Woods has won another Major.
Black co-worker: Oh, that's all? Well, what are you going to do when we take over NASCAR?
Redneck co-worker: [Bewildered silence]
1000 Jerry St. Pe Highway
Gulf Coast, Mississippi
Overheard by: The Guy sitting next to the idiot
11AM Maybe Gidget Goes Pentecostal
Little girl, pointing at Ann Coulter's Godless: Who's that lady, daddy?
Dad: She's some crazy lady who doesn't know what she's talking about.
Little girl: She looks like she should be in movies.
Dad: [Shocked silence]
Little girl: But not very good movies.
Dad: Ha! That's my girl.
Auntie's Bookstore
402 West Main Avenue
Spokane, Washington
10AM Tupac's Propaganda Machine, on the Other Hand, Is Alive and Thriving
Counselor: Is that a Tupac T-shirt? You're five. Tupac wasn't alive when you were born. What do you know about Tupac?
Kid: I know the haters killed him.
Counselor: Touché.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: SB
10AM Situational Ethics
Coworker #1: Can you believe the whole company needs to take an ethics exam? It's online, but still...
Coworker #2: Yeah, it sucks. I heard that one department's doing the whole thing on a conference call together.
Coworker #1: But there's a test...
Coworker #2: Yeah, they're all taking the test together. One person says the answer and everybody enters it on their screen after the first person confirms it's right.
Midtown
New York, New York
9AM Lame Duck Car Buyers
Old woman: How dare you pick me up in a truck? I drive a Cadillac and you pick me up in a truck?! This is the last Cadillac I ever buy from you!
Manager: That's not much of a threat, now, is it? Seriously, look at you. I mean, there's not a lot of Cadillacs left in you, is there?
Car dealership
Ohio
11AM The Tweedle Boys Go to College
Teacher: All right, then, so what are some of the languages that influenced the English language?
Student #1: Canadian!
Student #2: You're dumb. This is Brit Lit... so obviously, British influenced the English language.
4771 Campus Drive
Irvine, California
5PM I Clung to the Ceiling Until the Board of Regents Granted Me Tenure
Japanese professor: The peroxides are very volatile. If you drop them, we have to be out of the building before they hit the floor.
Grad student: I won't drop them.
Japanese professor: And only Japanese ninja can move that fast.
Grad student: OK.
Japanese professor: I am well trained in the art of the ninja.
10900 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
4PM I Still Prefer It to "Fuck You!"
Off-duty employee: Don't you just hate when you're working and you say, "Have a nice day" and you don't mean it, and the person knows you don't mean it, but you have to say it anyway?
Cashier: Yeah, totally.
Cashier to customer: Thanks! Have a nice day!
Big-Box Store
Harrisonburg, Virginia
5PM All that Remains Since We Can No Longer Surf for Porn on the Job
Employee to boss: Hey I know it's the end of the day on Friday, but I'm really bored, do you have anything for me to do?
Boss: Oh! Here have some bubblewrap!
137 4th Ave
Edmonton Alabama
3PM Monica Lewinsky: Worked for Me!
Interview consultant: Always be aware of what you are saying during an interview. I have seen interviews fall apart over a single word.
Student: Like what word?
Interview consultant: The word was fuck.
4801 Mass. Ave NW, Washington DC, American University, Washington College of Law
Washington, DC
12PM It's the Fifty-First!
Clerk: Ma'am I can't take this money.
Lady: Why not? It's good American money.
Clerk: Ma'am this money is from Canada.
Lady: Is Canada not the 50th state of the U.S. or are you stupid or something?
Clerk: I'm not the one that's stupid.
13697 W. Colonial Drive
Winter Garden, Florida
3PM Ummm... It Shows Respect to the President
Manager: My new BM is awesome!
Subordinate: You mean BMW; the W is important.
Manager: Why?
Raynham, Massachusetts
5PM There Are no Stupid Questions...Oh, Wait
Interviewer: Just fill out this application and wait to be called for the interview.
Interviewee: Does it matter if I got a crack possession against me?
420 Harding
Tennessee
3PM Lottery Board: Eeexcellent!
Customer: These ice cream cones and a hundred dollars in lotto tickets.
Store clerk: Okay, $106.39
Customer: What? These ice creams cost six dollars?! What a waste of money! No, I dont want them. What a waste. Seriously! No, no -- just the lotto tickets.
Eastlake Mart
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: kallisti
4PM Thank God I Have This NyQuil in My Desk
Worker #1: I went to all the liquor stores this morning, and they were closed. They don't open until 10 AM.
Worker #2: Well, that's retarded. Haven't they ever heard of mimosas?
Worker #1: Or alcoholics?
37 West 20 Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: shenanigan
4PM And He Won't Be. Until the Next Time.
Co-Worker, whispering on phone: And I know I've said this before, but I will never be naked in the file room again...
2811 Wilshire Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
2PM Use the Shank Key
VP, using Instant Messenger: How do I type a smiley face that means, "I'll cut you."
550 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
12PM He Already Has Plans For Them
Employee #1: Dave*, you're what, 27? You're too young to get married. You need to wait until you're 35 and then marry a 23 year old. Birthing is just "bam! bam! bam!"-- brutal on them. So you need to marry young.
Employee #2: So I need to work here for 8 years and marry a girl who is just graduating from here?
Employee #3: Start looking, man. She's in high school now.
Employee #2: She'd be what, 15? Hey, Jim*, how old are your daughters?
Employee #1: 13 and 15...Shut up!
3800 Victory Parkway
Cincinnati, Ohio
12PM That's the Special Benefit
Co-Worker, reading email: Can you believe this shit?! The nerve! "For those over 50, special healthcare benefits." Over 50! How can they send me this shit and...Oh, there's a free lunch. [Pause] Well, maybe I'll go.
Trinity Place
New York, New York
2PM It's What She Would Want If She Weren't Selfishly Preoccupied With Her Little Personal Problems
Co-Worker #1: ...and who ordered the salad?
Co-Worker #2: Marie*, but she left for the day.
Co-Worker #1: Is she okay?
Co-Worker #2: I hope so. She was crying when she left. I guess the police called and said her 7-year-old daughter was a town over from where she was supposed to be, and no one knows where the sitter went.
Co-Worker #1: Oh, that's awful. [long pause] So you think that means I can eat her salad?
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Kate
4PM Then I Got to Thinking That Maybe I Am Julie and Don't Know It
Co-Worker: Hello?
Voice on phone: Is Julie there?
Co-Worker: No. I'm sorry, but you have the wrong number.
Voice on phone: Oh, okay. Sorry.
Co-Worker: No problem.
Phone immediately rings again.
Co-Worker: Listen, man, you have the wrong number.
Voice on phone: Are you sure this is your number? I checked, and this is the same number that my friend Julie gave me. Could you call your number and ask her to call me back?
Co-Worker: Sure, just as soon as I get off the phone with you. [Hangs up phone] Jackass.
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
3PM So Many Jobs Are Made Interesting Only By the Arbitrary Exercise of Petty Authority
Customer service person: I'll be right with you, ma'am. He was first.
Female customer: No, he wasn't.
Customer Service person: Yes, he was.
Male customer: No, I wasn't.
Customer service person: Yes, you were.
Bank of America
New York, New York
Overheard by: Stretch
12PM Oh, Okay. Tweetie.
Teen girl, holding a bag with a dead bird inside: My grandfather called earlier about getting this bird checked for West Nile virus. He found it in his yard.
Office clerk: Ok, I remember talking to him this morning. I need to get some information from you first. Now, what was his name?
The girl's eyes get big, and she looks at the bag.
Office clerk: No, not the bird's name. I need to know your grandfather's name.
616 Court Street
Oberlin, Louisiana
Overheard by: Vicky
10AM It's Always Happy Hour Somewhere
Admin on phone: I'm sorry, that person has left for the day. We close at 5 PM.
Caller: Well, it's only a little after 4 here, so does that mean that I, like, have to call you in your time zone?
Admin: Uh, well, yes. Yes, you do...
Mount Desert Island, Maine
Overheard by: snoopervisor
3PM Is That Better or Worse Than Her Stepdaughter Being Pregnant and Moving Out to Live with the Son?
Coworker #1: Well, I got some good news and some bad news last night.
Coworker #2: Let me guess... your stepdaughter's moving out, but she's pregnant.
Coworker #1: Oh my God, you're so close! My stepdaughter's moving out and my eighteen-year-old son's girlfriend is pregnant.
Coworker #2: Wow, what luck.
1649 Pandosy
Kelowna, British Columbia, Canada
Overheard by: melissa
2PM And I Read a Lot of Nietzsche
Interviewer: What would you say your strengths are?
Buff interviewee: Arms and back.
Dresden Nuclear Power Plant
Morris, Illinois
Overheard by: Harbor
4PM She Made the Same Mistake with Love in the 1960s
Technician: Ma'am, your Jaguar needs a new engine.
Jag owner: How can that be?
Technician: When's the last time you had the oil changed?
Jag owner: My salesperson Vinnie* told me the car was maintenance-free, and just bring it in when it needs service.
Technician: No, ma'am, it's not maintenance-free, it's free maintenance.
1815 Maplelawn Drive
Troy, Michigan
Overheard by: Vinyl Junkie
11AM But I Play One on TV
M.D. #1: Hey, look! They named their kid Babygirl!
M.D. #2: No way, that's hilarious!
Janitor: Actually, it just means they haven't named their child yet and that it's a baby girl.
M.D. #1: Are you a doctor?
M.D. #2: I bet he's not even a doctor.
Janitor: [walks away]
GroupHealth Cooperative
Lacey, Washington
Overheard by: lauren
11AM And It Took Him Three Days to Get Over It
First-grade teacher: CHARLES! Give me those! Those are NAILS! Nails are unsafe and do not belong in your hands.
Student: Pshhh, unless you're JESUS!
New York, New York
Overheard by: i want to adopt this kid
