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11AM Install Yahoo!
Boss: Do we have Google installed on our internet?
IT guy: We put it on your machine yesterday.
700 W. Van Buren Street
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Send Out Press Release
Boss: So see if you can find these people's email addresses.
Intern: ...You want me to find Desmond Tutu's email address?
Boss: Try Google if you get stumped.
2130 H Street NW
Washington, DC
3PM Smoke Break
Sales #1: You mean he wants to get paid for the time he was screwing the company?
Sales #2: That's what he said.
12 Nijara Street
Givat Shaul, Jerusalem
Israel
Overheard by: just dunno
12PM Beta Testing (Cont'd)
Boss: By the way, I changed a lot of your code, so if it breaks, that's why.
5720 Green Circle Drive
Minnetonka, Minnesota
10AM Meeting with HR
Co-worker #1: Ew!
Co-worker #2: What?
Co-worker #1: His internet history has porn on it!
Co-worker #2: Really?
Co-worker #1: Yeah!
Co-worker #2: Like what?
Co-worker #1: A whole bunch of free stuff from [Fleshbot].com. I can't believe this.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I know...
Co-worker #1: I mean...I don't care if he does this at home, but not at this computer...We work in here!
Co-worker #2: Yeah...Sure...What was that site again?
41 West Clinton Avenue
Tenafly, New Jersey
4PM Department Meeting
Area Manager: We will need to open an investigation into this and see what happened.
Superintendent: I'll tell you what happened: he fucked up!
Area Manager: Well, I didn't say it needed to be a long investigation.
128 Spring Street
Ypsilanti, Michigan
2PM Sitdown with Legal
Co-worker: This report is bullshit.
Boss: Did you just say "bullshit"? I thought you folks weren't allowed to swear?
Co-worker: I didn't swear.
Boss: Yeah you did, no big deal. I don't want your turban to unfurl.
1 Technology Drive
Milpitas, California
11AM Comps Due
Manager: Why are you sending me comps at 1:30 in the morning?
Designer: Because I wanted to work on them at home, and then when I was home I couldn't work on them until Loveline was on the air and I could listen to some relationship advice at the same time.
Manager: Oh, that makes perfect sense.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
4PM Budgets Due
Boss: Do you hear that? That's the sound of me getting screwed.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
4PM Department Meeting
Area Manager: We will need to open an investigation into this and see what happened.
Superintendent: I'll tell you what happened: he fucked up!
Area Manager: Well, I didn't say it needed to be a long investigation.
128 Spring Street
Ypsilanti, Michigan
10AM Pre-meeting Prep
VP: Wow that sounds bad. Do we need to have a pre-meeting about that meeting?
3415 Vision Drive
Columbus, Ohio
11AM Pre-meeting
Boss: So, is there any other duty that you do on a daily basis that we should include on this list?
Worker: You mean other than miscellaneous bullshit?
Boss: Well, how much time do you spend on miscellaneous bullshit everyday?
Worker: Depending on the day, between 10 minutes and 8 hours.
4913 West Laurel Street
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: hang on voltaire
2PM Color Correction Session
Department Head: So, can we update your job description tomorrow morning?
Employee: No, I have a color correction session to attend.
Department Head: Well, I notice you don't take lunch. You're usually at your desk. What about then?
Employee: I do take lunch. I just eat at my desk and read a book or something.
Department Head: Well, how about doing something more productive with that time? Do you want to meet then?
Employee: No.
6423 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
4PM Rightsizing Committee
Consultant: This meeting is just too important to involve company employees.
100 East Rivercenter Boulevard
Covington, Kentucky
10AM Post Job Listing
Secretary: I can write memos like it's my job.
Boss: That is your job.
100 East Rivercenter Boulevard
Covington, Kentucky
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: Stupid fucking Back Office Support people are retarded.
Worker #2: Fuck the fucking fuckers.
Worker #1: Amen...without the sex part.
Worker #2: Heh, their pillow talk would go something like this: "You are the one that is hot, that is what I am telling you now."
1601 Bryan Street
Dallas, Texas
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: What's a carpet muncher? Is that a new slang for vacuum cleaner?
Co-worker #2: Um, no. He, he, he. I'll give you a thousand bucks if you ask the boss for a carpet muncher.
Co-worker #1: Why? I don't have carpeting.
800 East 28th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: jearu
2PM Management Meeting
Co-worker #1: What is our Vision Statement?
Co-worker #2: It says here, "Our Vision is to always be true to our Vision."
101 South Webster Street
Madison, Wisconsin
11AM Return Calls to Clients
Co-worker on phone: Uh yes, this is [Brett Myers} with the Mortgage Company. It's Wednesday, 10:30 AM...I'm sorry! It's just that...well, you sounded like a voicemail voice.
1350 Deming Way
Middleton, Wisconsin
5PM That's a Wrap
Assistant: Are you going to be in next week?
VP: Yes, unless al-Qaeda does something.
1120 20th Street NW
Washington, DC
9AM Back to Work
Teller: I haven't decided yet if I'm going to see The Da Vinci Code. I want to see it, but if I do I'll feel like I'm. . . supporting. You know?
Bank AVP: . . . Supporting?
Teller: The Devil!
Long pause
Bank AVP: Tom Hanks is the devil?
48 Clifty Kirkmansville Road
Clifty, Kentucky
10AM Under Sales Goal
Salesman: Yeah, I'm fucking fed up with that guy. He hasn't sent in his reports for weeks. Just keeps flying out to Texas. What the fuck are we paying him for, anyway?
Manager: Texas? What's he doing in Texas?
Salesman: Oh, apparently his dad died or something.
3000 Birch
Brea, California
11AM Client Meeting
Boss talking to client and client's son in front office: So this is your youngest boy, isn't it? I've met him before.
Client: Uh... I don't think you have.
Boss: Yeah, I'm sure I have.... He's Down's Syndrome, isn't he?
Client: No
98 Fitzroy Street
Grafton, Australia
Overheard by: gus shanks
1PM Defining Expectations
Office manager: The first rule of thumb is that two geotechnical engineers will always give you two different answers. The second rule of thumb is that I'm always right.
Interns: Hahahahahahahahah
Pause
Office manager: I'm being serious.
1066 West Hastings
Vancouver, Canadia
Overheard by: Andrew
11AM Error Message
Boss: I am sending emails like a wildman, I just can't get them.
Assistant: Maybe your email box is full. Wait, no, you delete everything
Boss: Well, it could be full. I have 1,100 emails.
Assistant: Gah!
Boss: I'm not getting anything but this error message
Assistant: Wait, you're getting an error message? That could be helpful; what does it say?
Boss: It just says "error"
Assistant: This is going to be a long day, huh?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM Smoke Break
Employee: Everytime I open my mouth, I put my tongue in it.
35 C Street
Ephrata, Washington
Overheard by: Lost in Space
12PM Lunch
Attorney's wife: I'm getting so fat.
Attorney: You're not fat.
Attorney's wife: Aw, well...
Attorney interrupts: You're old. You just look fat.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer: Is Office 2003 the latest version of Office that's out?
Salesperson: Yeah, they most likely won't come out with a new version until Vista is released, which should be about the end of the year.
Customer: What's that?
Salesperson: Vista?
Customer: Yeah, Rista? What is that? Is that the new Office?
Salesperson: No, Vista is the new operating system that's coming out. Last I heard Microsoft was planning to release it near the end of this year.
Customer: Microsoft's going to sell computers now?
Salesperson: No, Vista is the operating system that gets installed on computers. It's what makes your computer run.
Customer: Oh, yeah, I knew that already. Are you going to be carrying Microsoft's new computers?
Willard Building
State College, Pennsylvania
10AM Fuck You, You Felch-Sucking, Mung-Eating, Necrotic Limp-Dicked Father-Raper
Drone #1: Crikey Moses! Who the hell wants their picture taken in the Mastermind chair?
Drone #2: Crikey Moses?! You need some better swear words!
201 Wood Lane
London, England
5PM Cuban Business Customs: The Short Course
Canadian: Is there anything I should know about Cuban business customs before we get started?
Translator: No.
Girl with tray of espressos walks in and hands one to each person.
Canadian: I don't drink coffee.
Translator: You do today.
Cuban Health Ministry
Havana, Cuba
Overheard by: Drank the coffee
