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Best Quotes from 5-6 Weeks Ago
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4PM How It Happened That Children Vomited Into the Steinway
Boss: Maybe we should put out a cold pitcher with some cold drink in it on days like this, you know for us, and the customers, that might be nice. It's so hot.
Salesman: Yeah, that's a good idea. It's really hot.
Boss: The only thing is though, if there are kids here, running around, they'll grab a drink and just destroy the pianos.
Salesman: Serve Guinness. Kids hate Guinness.
Piano Store
Los Angeles, California
1PM There Is No Need to Be Snooty About the Agricultural Practices of My Homeland
Boss on phone: Would you come home with me and stand in my garden? Because you're so full of crap, I think the fertilizer would do my plants good.
Hazelwood, Missouri
5PM Things Will Change When the Japanese Acquire the Law Firm
Secretary to lawyer with huge ink stain on shirt: You want a Hello Kitty sticker to cover that up?
Lawyer: No!
Secretary: How 'bout a pirate sticker?
Lawyer: N... okay.
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Wenchie
4PM How Much Time Do We Have?
Customer: No whipped cream on the top, please.
Barista: Would you like whipped cream anywhere else?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Little Miss Decaf
2PM When Slang Starts Meaning Too Many Different Things
Office guy #1: My mother was hot this morning...
Office guy #2: Funny you should say that...
Office guy #1: I mean "hot" as in mad, you lascivious bitch!
Raleigh, North Carolina
10AM I'm Cured!
Developer #1: You smell like bacon.
Developer #2, delighted: Thank you!
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: kerminator
11AM To Be Fair, If You Were a Librarian, Wouldn't You Be Constantly Disgruntled?
Constantly disgruntled librarian: So she was driving me so batshit crazy with her stupid stupid questions that I wanted to punch her right in her stupid stupid face. But then I thought that anyone who's that chronically stupid must already have a really difficult life. So my good deed for the day was to just punch her in my imagination.
Calmer librarian: You truly are a prince among men.
Constantly disgruntled librarian: I know, right? Most people don't get that about me.
London
England
Overheard by: PunkRockLibrarian
5PM Never Again, Believe Me
Preteen boy: Will this band-aid be a problem for the x-ray?
Medical assistant: Oh, no... What happened to the back of your heel?
Boy: You know when you wear shoes and the high heels rub?
Medical assistant: You wear high heels?
Podiatrist's Office
Lawrence, Kansas
Overheard by: Yoshi
1PM I Hate This Fucking Place So Much.
Middle aged boss to flunky on last day of his internship: Hey, Chris, it'll be a shame to see you go... So tell me, is your name short for Christian or Christopher?
Flunky: My name's Craig.
Public Sector Commission
Perth
Australia
10AM To Be Fair, It Was Just a Shopping List.
Jewish salesgirl, reading post-it note on bookcase that has "the blood of Jesus" written on it repeatedly: What...? What is this?
Lesbian customer service rep: We found it behind Tamika's* computer monitor, she must have written that before she quit.
Jewish salesgirl: Wow, okay, why?
Lesbian customer service rep: I think we might have been freaking her out so she felt the need to, um... that.
Jewish salesgirl: Oh... Um... You think if you say it in the mirror three times at midnight he'll show up?
Fort Mill, South Carolina
Overheard by: Clarissa StTacocrotch
9AM You'll Change Your Tune When You See It Screw.
CTO: Hey, what are you doing?
Female working on office chair with power screwdriver: Trying to prove I don't need a man. So far, I'm succeeding.
CTO: Totally wrong power tool for that.
Los Angeles, California
3PM The Case Law Suggests Otherwise
Frustrated lawyer: Just because your sister is sleeping with someone in the company doesn't mean that you should run a department...
Whipany, New Jersey
Overheard by: Waiting for vacation
1PM Ask Me That Again While Licking Your Lips
Admin assistant to partner: Enough with the accountant's version of internet porn. Can't you google boobies like a normal man instead of governmental auditing standards?
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: okey dokey
10AM And No Phone Calls About, From Or To Barbeques
Owner: Alright, have a good weekend, but remember: no phone calls and no barbeques.
Vice President, sheepishly: Okay.
Owner: I mean it!
Manhattan, New York
4PM Subs and Doms are a Dime a Dozen, But a Switch Is Way More Interesting
Boss to worker: We're like this. (crosses fingers) I just haven't figured out which of us is on top yet.
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: K
5PM Why Married Men Weep Alone at Night, When No One Sees
Nurse #1: Oh my God! Sue's getting married. I can tell she's really happy. I've never seen her smile so much.
Nurse #2: Yeah, I know. She knows she'll never have to give another blowjob again.
Nurse #1, laughing: Hey that's funny. Gee... I can't wait to get married!
Newcastle
Australia
Overheard by: Nurse
10AM When You Shoot Guns and Jack Each Other Off All Day Long, Is It Really Such a Stretch?
Sailor #1: You know how Aerosmith and The Rolling Stones are still performing even though they are 60-plus, right? What if bands like Motley Crew were still performing like that?
Sailor #2 Well, they would have to find a new kind of drug to keep them going, because their crack tolerance must be incredible. What would happen if they started to come down off their high in the middle of a concert?
Sailor #1: What about a quick delivery system? (pause) Oh! Crack darts! Like tranquilizer darts that you fire out of an air rifle!
Sailor #2 I can't believe we actually thought that through.
USS Essex
Overheard by: TheSailor
1PM What About Angela from The Office?
Male coworker to female coworker: Hussy!
(female coworker laughs)
Male coworker: I feel completely comfortable calling you that.
Female coworker: That's okay. I know you mean it in a good way.
Male coworker: Would it bother you more if someone called you a hussy or a harlot?
Female coworker: Depends on if they meant it in a bad way or not. But I think "hussy" sounds a little worse. There's a righteous harlot mentioned in the bible. There are no righteous hussies in the bible.
Raleigh, North Carolina
2PM ...On the East Coast, I'd Just Fire You
Young female assistant to the CEO, working on particularly challenging spreadsheet: Ugh, I am ready to pull my hair out.
CEO: I could do that for you, if you'd like.
Everett, Washington
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