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4PM Congratulations, We Can't Think of a Non-Sexual Entendre for This One
Cubicle neighbor on phone: I'll hold this and you just poke your balls in that hole and lets see what happens.
Dothan, Alabama
Overheard by: Too Close for comfort co-worker
1PM What They Would Lose in Business They Would Gain Back in Sexual Harrassment Settlements
Guy replacing receptionist: We should get a blow-up doll for the desk...
Manager: I wish we could.
(receptionist starts laughing hysterically)
Guy replacing receptionist: I didn't even mean it like that!
Austin, Texas
2PM Everybody Kneads Friends.
Straight girl: My trainer told me that regular massage helps reduce the appearance of cellulite, I just don't know if I can walk in somewhere and be like, "hey, could you just massage my ass and thighs?"
Lesbian: You know I'm a trained massage therapist.
Straight girl: So I could just pay you to massage my ass?
Lesbian: Sure.
Straight girl: Actually, you should pay me to massage my ass.
Fort Mill, South Carolina
3PM Someone's Seen Top Gun One Too Many Times.
Employee: So did you guys have a good time yesterday?
Visiting employee: Yes, it was great. But at the end your boss tried to kill me, she took me to this insanely dangerous place with all these signs saying, "falling will result in injury or drowning". Not 'may' result in injury or drowning, 'will' result in injury or drowning! I've never seen a warning sign like that before!
Employee: Of course she did.
Boss: But you have to admit it is an incredibly interesting and beautiful place.
Employee: I suppose she told you that it really wasn't that dangerous.
Boss, indignantly: No, I didn't! I told him *exactly* how dangerous it is! It's just that I don't care.
Library
Seattle, Washington
2PM Raise Your Hand If You'd Look
Elderly but sexy office lady: Would you like to see my corset?
VP: No! I don't want to see your corset!
Elderly office lady: But why not?
VP: That would be totally inappropriate. We don't do that around here.
Elderly office lady: Well, we don't have to tell anyone about it.
Greensboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Not the receptionist
10AM Notify the Vatican Immediately!
Cube neighbor on phone with IT help desk: I turned off my pc last night and I turned it on this morning and the screen is black, nothing is showing up.
IT: Is your monitor on?
Cube neighbor: Yes.
IT: Turn it off.
Cube neighbor: Oh, wow, it just started working! I wonder what happened?
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Lady L
9AM And Are You Still Going to Make Wild Crazy Text with Me?
Female employee: It's okay, you can just log into me.
Male employee: Wait... are we still talking about your e-mail here?
Denver Colorado
Overheard by: No foreplay or anything, huh?
5PM Nobody Deserves a Radioactive Rim Job, But...
Office guy #1: How long until Japan blows up, you think?
Office guy #2: I don't know, but I hope they shipped my rims.
Calgary
Canadia
1PM You Got That Straight.
Patient: So my braces are coming off in two months?
Orthodontist: Yes, provided your account is paid in full.
Patient: What the fuck? You're holding my teeth hostage?
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM ...A Crème De Menthe Frappé Hardly Counts
Male employee: Did you see the check stop?
Female employee: What? Where!
Male employee: Right outside the office.
Female employee: Why do they have a check stop there? It's only 3:15 pm. Who drives drunk at 3 pm on a Wednesday?
Male employee: John would, but he's stuck here right now!
John, overhearing from office: Hey!
Calgary
Canadia
5PM Fatty McDouchebag Sandwiches Have Been a Huge Seller for McDonald's
Young woman: Hey, Fatty McDouchebag, if you say one more thing about my boyfriend I will rip out you lap band with my bare hands and strangle you with it.
Queens, New York
1PM ...As We Learned Earlier at the Staff Meeting.
Worker bee # #1, on the phone with wife: Hey, while you're at the store, can you grab me some nuts and ice cream?
Worker bee #2, overhearing: If you grab me nuts I scream, too.
Labarge, Wyoming
5PM Career Tip: When Bosses Learn New Skills, Employees Benefit
Program manager, bragging about successfully completing minor task: Yes! I did it! Ha ha! You may now refer to me as Super Jon.
Young female intern, muttering: Ignoramus.
Program manager: I told you, "Super" is now in front of my name.
Young female intern: Okay then, let's make a deal. How about "Super Ignoramus"?
Program manager, still grinning: Now, that's more like it.
Program manager, after 10 minutes: What's an ignoramus?
Young female intern: Google it.
Program manager, a few moments later: Oh.
Program manager #2: Did the definition have your picture, Super Jon?
Hill Field, Utah
Overheard by: Sides hurt from laughing and head hurts from repeatedly hitting it on desk.
9AM A Dark Day for American Intelligence.
Email broadcast to entire campus: A black woman's sandal was found this morning in building 2 by Swipe area. Please see me if you want it back.
Male coworker's response: I can't help but wonder how they know she is black.
Los Angeles, California
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