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5PM The Unbearable Lightness Of Ben
White guy #1: I got fired because I am a white male!
White guy #2: I might be going out on a limb here, but could the fact that you got drunk and threw a Japanese lantern into the front door of the hotel have anything to do with it?
White guy #1: No...it's because I am white!
Irving, Texas
4PM Spencer's Is Not for the Faint Of Heart
Middle aged woman going to sorority reunion: Isn't Spencer's like a five and dime store?
Friend: No! It's a nasty, nasty, dirty store. I can hardly stand to go in there.
Middle aged woman: Well, what did you go there for?
Friend: I had to get a blow-up doll. They didn't have any.
Airport
Birmingham, Alabama
3PM Gosh, I Love Uncle Sam.
Woman to coworker: And I was like, "Whatever, you don't pay my bills!" (pause) Well, actually, he pays all of my bills.
Buffalo, New York
2PM Mr. Cheney Really Should Give Up Hunting
Employee answering phone: Thank you for calling... (gets squirted with silly string) Aahh!
Customer: What?
Employee: I'm sorry, I just got shot in the face with something.
Scotts Valley, California
Overheard by: Mari
1PM It's Easy to Spot Your Co-Workers Who Were Popular in High School
Cube dweller: Where are my pretzels? I just feel like putting stuff in my mouth.
Scotts Valley, California
Overheard by: Mari
12PM Thank Goodness for AutoFit
Female coworker, amazed at spreadsheet: Wow, that's big!
Male coworker, matter-of-factly, with a sly smile: No, it's not that big. I've had bigger.
Minnetonka, Minnesota
Overheard by: I don't wanna know.
11AM Have You Tried Looking Behind Your Monitor?
Employee: On this new printer I just installed, we can print double sided.
Crazy-haired boss lady: I don't think I can.
Employee: No, we all can now.
Crazy-haired boss lady: Well, are things double sided on your screen? I don't have anything that is double sided on my screen, so I can't print double sided.
Merrillville, Indiana
Overheard by: CJ
10AM I Suddenly Regret Never Going to Your Bridge Parties
Woman to man in front of soda machine: Really? You don't seem like a guy who is into DP.
Man: Yeah, that and coke.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: I sit way too close to the kitchen.
9AM Many Women Learn This Too Late in Life
Coworker trying to do flexibility exercise: I can touch myself!
Broadway & Canal
New York City, New York
Overheard by: office peon is flexible
5PM ...Between the Sheets.
Temp attorney: That wasn't the first time I've had roadkill.
Richmond, Virginia
4PM We?
Producer: So Jen, when should we plan for orgasm?
Burbank, California
Overheard by: Man Among Women
3PM That and the Tragic Banana Allergy
Coworker #1 to coworker #2, wearing a cast: What did you do to your hand?
Coworker #2: I broke my thumb.
Coworker #1: You need your thumb. That's what makes you not a monkey!
Titusville, Florida
Overheard by: Hoss
2PM We Find It's Best to Take Separate Vacations
Male coworker: My lips are still recovering from Vegas.
San Diego, California
1PM It'll Feel Like Thanksgiving at My House.
Subscriptions coordinator: We are hundreds of renewal letters behind--how am I supposed to send all of these out?
Zealous, oblivious manager: We'll get the whole department to help stuff envelopes. We can all be bent over a barrel at a stuffing orgy together! It will be an orgy of stuffing!
East Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: Louise
12PM And It Takes a Real Man to Put That on Before a Duel
Tech on intercom: Who stole Frank's sword?
Coworker down the hall: Frank's sword is covered in latex!
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Vinana
11AM But Could You Stop Pressing the Dell Symbol to Turn on the Computer
Employee: Hey! I'm not stupid!
Supervisor: If you say so.
Syosset, New York
10AM Maybe We Should Just S&P Together
Female no-nonsense suit: No kidding, Henry. I was just about to sleep with that Indian guy, and the Dow is down 400!
Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey
9AM During Product Testing at Fisher-Price
Employee: I have a problem.
Boss: Did they put a cork up your ass?
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Kelly
5PM If They Want to Find Syphilis, They Should Inquire with Betty in Accounting
Manager: Well if they don't fill out the forms right, they don't get their shit. I have no sympathy for them...and you know what I say? If they want to find sympathy, they can look in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis."
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Katie M
4PM We Like to Refer to Them As Safety Deposit Squares
Cube rat on phone: Do you have safety deposit boxes? (pause) And how big is your biggest one? (pause) 10 by 10? How deep are those? (pause) But...what's the third dimension? (pause) There is none? Um, okay, thanks anyway. Bye.
Washington, DC
3PM Want One?
Peon #1: Stop making faces behind my back!
Peon #2: I am making them in front of you!
New York City, New York
2PM From Now On, Call Me Nat King Coleslaw
Tired CEO, coming out of his office: Ugh. I feel like a big, huge...stuffed cabbage.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Lowly analyst girl
1PM Now I'm Like, "Next...?"
Loud cubicle neighbor: And that's why both my ex-husbands are dead!
Fayetteville, Arkansas
12PM Like God Does with Babies.
Cube chick #1: I thought you put that up so everyone could see.
Cube chick #2: Nope. This is just for me. (deep sigh) I don't know why they made her bald.
Cube chick #1: I think they're trying to make her look 3-d.
Carol Stream, Illinois
Overheard by: eh what?
11AM Tonight's Movie: To Sir, With Love
CEO: That would basically put me in the position of a shitting duck.
Calgary
Canadia
10AM Teamwork and All That
Office girl: My computer just crashed.
Coworker: You can use mine.
Office girl: Thanks.
Coworker: No, you better not touch it. You might break it. (laughs, then pauses) On the other hand, I'd like you to touch it. Touch it as much as you want.
High Point, North Carolina
9AM And More Besides
Doctor to inmate: So what are they accusing you of this time?
Inmate: Oh, they're not accusing me, I did it.
County Jail Medical Office
Evansville, Indiana
Overheard by: Molly
5PM Is That a Cheese Log, or Are You Happy to See Me?
Manager: I really do smell hickory smoked!
Denver, Colorado
4PM ...You're Fired.
Boss: He's really similar to my step dad--he had dark hair, and a long corso.
Girl: I'm sorry, a long *what*?
Boss, slowly: A long...corso?
Girl: Torso. Corset.
Boss: Hmm.
San Jose, California
Overheard by: Smarter than her boss (obviously)
3PM Too Bad No Amount Of Concealer Will Cover Your Flame Trail
Copywriter, after noticing web designer refreshing makeup: Wow. Look at you. Got a hot date?
Web designer: No. I'm meeting people. And I've never met them in person before.
Snarky PR specialist: And you don't want them to know right away that you're a horrible person?
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Looks like Diva
2PM Wrapping Myself in the Flag Keeps Me Plenty Warm
Office guy on the phone: Nice. So you sleep in the nude. Not bad for a Republican.
Government Office
Washington, DC
1PM Her Career Is Roanoked
Coworker on phone: Didn't you hear? The pole broke and the stripper hurt herself!
Sterling, Virginia
Overheard by: Receptionist
12PM How Do You Feel About Carrier Pigeons?
Cube dweller: So I came in today, and my phone is blank, and my computer is disconnected from the network. And there's nobody over in it to help me.
Boss: Call the help desk.
Cube dweller: With what? My phone? It's broken.
Boss: So e-mail it!
San Carlos, California
Overheard by: The Punvert
11AM My Energy Secret
President: Hello! What are you doing today?
Director, eating canister of Planter's Peanuts: I'm eating my nuts!
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM ...I'm Told.
Office peon: How the hell do you not know what Knight Rider is? I can't stand chicks like that. They're only good for one thing, and even that isn't that good.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I know what Knight Rider is
9AM Let's Just Skip Ahead to the Part Where You Give Me the Chalice with Iocane Powder
Administrative assistant to receptionist: I think you think I'm thinking of something other than what I'm thinking of...not what you're thinking of.
Duluth, Georgia
Overheard by: Huh?
5PM Your Editors Are Split on This Issue
Female office worker: It's never too early to get a speculum up your cooch.
Columbus, Ohio
4PM Just Look at the Sopranos
Imaging person: The family that gambles together, stays together!
Edmonton
Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: dakabn
3PM Or Are We Making Coffee?
Company prom queen on regional conference call: Are we prospecting for donors who are interested in maternal morbidity?
International Nonprofit
Washington, DC
Overheard by: No, butter is not a carb.
2PM ...with Jane.
Gary: Hey Dave, do I need to be more of a dick or less of a dick?
Dave: Nah, the dick quotient is fine, we just need to coordinate ahead of time.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: thenewguy
1PM As I'll Tell People in Our Wedding Toast
Office worker on phone: She squeezed my ass this time but I did get a kiss...when you've got 250 pounds of Wisconsin looming at ya, your options are limited, all you can do is brace for the impact!
Sterling, Virginia
Overheard by: Scandalized Receptionist
12PM Unfortunately, St. Peter Is a Great Bouncer
Sassy employee: Just give me my fucking heaven ticket, bitch! I just want to go to heaven.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: She's not a hater, just a discriminator
11AM I Love You All!
Coworker standing on table: I feel like I'm dead and I'm watching over you.
Orlando, Florida
10AM ...With Pony Rides
Coworker: I can't believe he only gave us a 20,000$ spending limit.
Boss: Why?
Coworker: Because my daughter's first birthday was more than that! How am I going to find a place for twenty people that cheap?
Oak Brook, Illinois
9AM Marriage: a Simulation.
Branch manager: I really wish we had a color printer up here!
Personal banker: Well, you know what? We don't! So why don't you take out the trash!
Conway, Arkansas
Overheard by: Brynn
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