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5PM Then Why Do You Keep Pressing the Dell Symbol?
General manager: I don't know how you use this thing, with all the damn buttons everywhere.
Reporter: Well, that's the first thing I learned in typing class...where the keys are.
Waynesville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Just an editor
4PM Hard Finding a Prostitute in Baltimore, Huh?
Grad student: So I think that the manuscript should be organized differently...
(advisor's phone rings, he has a quick conversation in Arabic)
Advisor: Goddammit, sorry. I hate when my damn Arab relatives call, they always want me to set them up with prostitutes for their trips to the United States.
Grad student: Uh...
Advisor: Anyway, where is figure 3 going in your paper now?
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
3PM Why Grumpy's My Favorite Of the Care Bears
Coworker before meeting: Okay, let me go grab some paper and pen and pretend to care.
Fort Wayne, Indiana
Overheard by: AA
2PM Nice! I'm a Pisces.
Latino guy to new coworker girl: Nice to meet you. What do you do?
New coworker girl: I'm an art director. What are you?
Latino guy: I'm Latino.
Advertising Industry Party
New York City, New York
1PM The One Made Of Gingerbread?
Supervisor, hanging up phone with crazy caller: She said Nancy Pelosi told her she could call in.
Secretary: Who's that?
Supervisor, stunned: The Speaker of the House?
Secretary: What house?
Supervisor: The one of ill-repute down on Marshall Street.
County Courthouse
Norristownm, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
12PM It's the Wrong Season for Pineapple
Loopy accounting manager: Now that I've flipped my calendar, I need to reconsider my cottage cheese...
California
11AM He Spun Me Right Round, Baby
Client services department on Monday morning: Now that carny was hot!
Bloomfield, Connecticut
10AM That's the Last Time I'll Rent Out My House for a Frat Party
Distinguished foreign lecturer: We're not sure what these people were doing here or how long they stayed, but they made a lot of fire and left a lot of human remains.
NYU
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Claire H.
9AM But It's Not Friday Yet.
Waiter: There's a fly buzzing around. I kept him off your food.
Manager: Ah, it doesn't matter. Nobody ever died from that.
Waiter: Nobody ever died from licking my balls, either. You want to come over here and do that?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM What's Known As Divine Intervention.
Customer care rep on phone: Okay, sir, we'll talk occasionally. (pause) Well, yes. (pause) Okay, sir, I have to go. (pause) I believe in Jesus! I believe in Jesus! (pause) Sir, my other line is ringing. I have to go.
Milpitas, California
Overheard by: Alisha
4PM Pop Quiz: What's Going on in This Quote?
Cube monkey #1: You?re heading home already?
Haggard telecommuter that came into the office: Yup!
Cube monkey #1: Okay...um...drive safe!
Cube monkey #2: Don't whip the gerbil too hard!
Cube monkey #3: What? I thought he said he was going home?
Billerica, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Boter
3PM With My Dreds
Admin: You need a haircut.
Service guy: I need to go club some baby seals.
Irvine, California
Overheard by: i just answer the phone...
2PM Yoda Had a Lot Of Trouble in Everyday Life
Cashier: Hello, sir. What would you like?
Customer: What would I like? Hm...let me look inside myself and see what I desire.
Portland, Maine
1PM Nah, Just Harassing You
Heavy set secretary on hot day: Why don't you take your pants off?
(rest of office stares at returning estimator)
Fit estimator: Uhhh..are you suggesting I wear shorts?
Sunland, California
12PM You're Fired.
Admin #1: Do you have an ETA on that report?
Admin #2: No. I'm not familiar with ETA. Is that the name of a company?
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: You can't make this up
11AM Your Hair?
Manager: Since I don't have any feelings or emotion, it kinda doesn't get in the way.
Richmond, Virginia
10AM Then I Remembered How Shifty Mom Is
Manager: Does anyone know anything about the new shift schedule?
Analyst: Karla tried to explain the new shift to me...then it got black...and I don't remember much...but then I woke up sucking my thumb and calling for my mom.
Redmond, Washington
Overheard by: Amy
9AM And Some Uggs for Sister Mary Elizabeth
Coworker: I'm going to steal a shirt for the priest.
Westchester, New York
5PM Could You Draw Those Helpful Diagrams for Me Again?
Man #1: So how was your long weekend?
Man #2: It was good. How was yours?
Man #1: Not as good as yours. She is not pregnant.
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM I Can Never Get My Meat Soft Enough.
Blonde female to another: Yeah, we used to call out of work together and just spend the entire day (hits fist into hand) Bam! Bam! Bam! All day long!
Boss, overhearing conversation: Good to know.
Atlanta, Georgia
3PM Which Is Just Below "C Why You're Still Stuck in Kansas"
College professor: I feel like giving them an "e" for effort. Of course we all know that an "e" is right above an "f" for "fucking stupid" and right below the "d" for "dang near fucking stupid."
Emporia, Kansas
2PM But What About Outside Of Work?
Copywriter to purchasing manager: Why don't you celebrate birthdays?
Purchasing manager: I hate birthdays.
Copywriter: But that's how you celebrate life.
Purchasing manager: It's not the only way to celebrate life.
Copywriter: Well, how do you celebrate life?
Purchasing manager, emphasizing through gesture: Masturbate.
Sex Toy Company
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Looks Like Diva
1PM ...in Peanut Butter.
Anchor #1 to anchor #2: Hey, I won't be able to anchor the 5 pm news with you. I'm going to cover the hoes on Ridgeway Street.
Jackson, Mississippi
12PM Um, But Not to Me, Obviously.
Woman to coworker playing hangman: Your little man isn't doing so well.
Man: That's what she said!
Colorado
Overheard by: Jason
11AM ...for Stealing the Microwave
Young, gay, male PR coordinator: Wow! Nice office camera! I might have to take that with me when I get fired.
Advertising Agency
Salt Lake City, Utah
10AM That's Kind Of How It Works, Sir.
Boss, abruptly: Should I give this porn star money?
Los Angeles, California
9AM Look Who's Squawking Was a Disappointing Sequel
Lady: You know, birds squawk when they aren't getting any.
Man: Yeah, I know what you mean.
(ten minutes later)
Man: (squawking around office)
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: let there be DAVE
5PM ...Bitch
Large lady, pressing wrong button in elevator: Oh, I thought I was going to the gym!
Small lady: You really need to go to the gym.
Large lady: I know.
Los Angeles, California
4PM Though I Did Get Her "Holla Back" Memo
HR coordinator: Ugh, last thing I need Monday morning is a stack of papers from "miz thaaaaang" in marketing.
Finance manager: I try to limit my contact with miz thaaaaang as much as possible.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Observer
3PM You Realize It's Just Lunch, Right?
Office lady #1: Are you going to do me next?
Office lady #2: Yeah, I have all the tools. Let's do this.
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Hank
2PM But South American Geography Was Never My Forte
Coworker #1: What country is Switzerland in?
Coworker #2: I think it's in Ireland.
Michigan
1PM Oklahoma City Is a Lot Different from New York
Insurance adjuster: Some guy decides to go chasing buffalo through a field with his pickup and now I have to make a long drive.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
12PM So They'll Sprout?
Assistant manager on phone: Now that he is out of jail maybe he'll want to soil his wild oats.
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: Jude
11AM ...Which Are Asparagus Tips
Co-owner of company to underling: Was she able to tell that you were vegetarian by looking at your fingers?
Branchburg, New Jersey
10AM Whatever You Think, You're Irreplaceable
Female cube neighbor, whispering into cell: Jeff*, I woke up this morning with a naked gay man in my bed, and it wasn't you. I'm highly disturbed. Call me immediately.
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM Big Fan Though I Am
Benefit lady: Would you like to buy a raffle ticket?
Pompous cube dweller: I've already bought a muffin for three times as much as I normally would. That's all the boobs get from me today.
Breast Cancer Awareness Bake Sale & Silent Auction
Maitland, Florida
Overheard by: crisa
5PM Well, You're on the Right Track with the Banging
CSR: Time is going sooo slow...
Manager: Dude, I have a great idea.
CSR: Dude, what is it?
Manager: I'll tell you later, dude.
CSR: How much later, dude?
Manager: Like 30 minutes.
CSR: Dude, that's like 45 minutes away! (bangs head on desk)
Austin, Texas
4PM And the Coolest-Looking Mustaches
Employee: What I don't understand is, why did god give the bad guys all the oil?
Poughkeepsie, New York
Overheard by: Government Worker
3PM Another Touching Office Tale.
Scatter-brained boss: Oh! Can I touch it?
Subordinate: Um.
Scatter-brained boss: Would you like to touch mine?
Fairfax, Virginia
2PM May I Borrow Yours?
Female coworker: I definitely didn't see a rodent in my bag.
Stillwater, Oklahoma
1PM Exactly.
Director: How do you spell "dumb"? "D-u-m" or "d-u-m-e"?
Account executive: It's "d-u-m-b."
Director: What?
Account executive: "D-u-m-b." B, b, b...like "boy."
Director: What about boys?
40th & Lexington
New York City, New York
12PM Hello? Hello?
Coworker on phone: I get all my dogs cremated, so they can get buried with me when I die. Yes, I'm taking all mine with me when I go. Yeah, I have a whole cupboard full of dead dogs. My dad's in there, too.
Christchurch
New Zealand
11AM My Mussels Are Still Sore.
Service rep #1: We went to that campsite for the weekend. We really had to rough it out there.
Service rep #2: Oh, yeah? Like how?
Service rep #1: Well, they didn't really have all the anemones.
Cranston, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Mercier3
10AM Checkers Is Much More Civilized
Analyst to lackey: I don't think it makes any sense to run around playing "battleship" with analysts' Outlook calendars.
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Rachael
9AM Stupid Musical Urinals
Employee: I have "Holly Jolly Christmas" in my head, and it's all the bathroom's fault.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Meghan
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