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5PM Remember What Happened When You Tried to Dump Dumbo?
Advisor guy: You just gotta remember--you can't jump jumbo.
Austin, Texas
4PM Excellent Answer-- You've Got the Job!
Coworker #1: Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip?
Coworker #2: Miracle Whip. If I'm going to eat a bowl of mayonnaise, I'm going totally cracker--Iowa style.
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Amused and Grossed Out
3PM And They Get Mad When You Try to Put Them on a Leash
CEO on phone: I love immigrants, they're so cute. They're like dogs when you talk to them and they turn their heads and look at you, and try to understand.
McLean, Virginia
Overheard by: Septimus
2PM Stupid Current Events
Director: September used to be a good month, until 9/11, whenever that was.
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM Personally, I Love That About It.
Maintenance dude: Is it okay if I borrow your post trolley for a second?
Cubicle girl: Sure, if you don't mind how gay it is.
Cambridge
England
12PM Oh! Well, I'm a Bit Disappointed, I Must Say.
Maintenance guy: Do you have any holes?
Worker: What?
Maintenance guy: Do you have any big holes?
Worker: What?
Maintenance guy: You know, any big holes in the wall that need to be repaired.
Evansville, Indiana
11AM Where There Are No Gentry
Male coworker: I don't understand gentrification. I'm from Idaho.
Chicago, Illinois
10AM A GM Mechanic Never Kids, Sir
Young mechanic: Does the car overheat when it's not running?
Customer: Are you serious?
Auto Dealership
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM Daisy Flies Around the Office Like a Rubber-Powered Airplane
Coworker, slamming down phone: Owww, my panties are in a twist!
Frances Ave
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
5PM Yet Needing to Share Chapstick
Intern walking out of bathroom, correcting exiting friend: But if you aren't in a group when you play gay chicken, then it's just two dudes afraid of making out.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: So stop asking
4PM Some Jobs Make You Too Tired for Double Entendre
Transportation associate #1: Hey John, are you doing Karen today, or is Mark?
Transportation associate #2: Mark is.
Transportation associate #1: But he's not in his office.
Transportation associate #2: He must be doing it somewhere else, then.
Parkway, Atlanta
3PM Like Glinda, the Good Witch Of the North
Frustrated coworker: No! I didn't see the website error! I've been in a bubble! I've literally been in a bubble!
Needham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: it was a big bubble...
2PM We're Still Living Under the Same Roofie
Cubicle dweller on phone: Nah, she's not been banging me very much. I think I'm banging her more than she's banging me.
Conway, Arkansas
1PM Why Keith Got Fired from His Job Writing Hallmark Cards
IT worker in bathroom: Out of all the people I could impersonate electronically, you would be my favorite!
Columbus, Ohio
12PM Is Your Browser Chafing Again?
Tech illiterate office guy: Phil, how do you lubricate the internet?
Sydney
Australia
11AM Why Not Both?
Hot office chick: So, do you think I should come in early? Or do you think I should come when I'm done?
Scottsbluff, Nebraska
10AM My Obituary: "He Had Too Many Boring Afternoons"
Random editor: Hey, busy day?
Obituary editor: No, not so busy.
Random editor: Well, that's good, right? People aren't dying?
Obituary editor: Makes for a very boring afternoon.
Post Office Road
Waldorf, Maryland
9AM Mind the Generation Gap.
Manager: Would you like to buy a Lab?
Subordinate: Like, a meth lab?
Manager: Umm, no. Like, a dog.
Little Rock, Arkansas
5PM It's Contagious
Women #1 to friend leaving bathroom: How long were you in there?
Women #2: Not long enough, trust me!
Women #1: What were you doing, your hair?
Women #2: Not even close.
Women #1: Tell me.
Women #2, speaking closer and whispering: Masturbating.
Women #1: Oh.
(women #1 walks to the bathroom)
Herald Sun
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Lucie
4PM But Could We Not Have This Conversation at the Urinal?
Boss: You like that little tool, don't you?
Worker: The keyboard? Yeah, it's great.
Uniontown, Ohio
3PM Metrosexuality Finally Reaches the Midwest
Male coworker #1: My wife bought me fuchsia underwear last night.
Male coworker #2: Were they men's underwear?
Male coworker #1: Yep, but very fuchsia.
Male coworker #3: Are you sure they weren't magenta?
Male coworker #1: What the hell is the difference?
Male coworker #3: Magenta is more manly, it has more blue it in.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: just call it purple
2PM The "J" Is Silent, Right?
Doctor's assistant to doctor: How do you spell "blood"?
Scottsdale, Arizona
1PM Luckily Ignorance Doesn't Have to Be Permanent
Manager: I need that paper back.
New girl: But I already faxed it.
Manager: Yeah, okay, but I need it back.
New girl: But you don't understand, I faxed it already. It's gone. I can probably go get it on my way home after work?
Harahan, Louisiana
12PM I'm Not Falling Into This Trap Again
Black coworker to white coworker: I mean, some times you have to call a spade a spade and a monkey a monkey, right?
White coworker: Ah, I guess.
Fort Myers, Florida
11AM Tell Him I Said "Hi, Dad"
Bald guy on phone: So who's the head on that? Okay. Hey, could you hold on a second? (covers receiver) Fuck! (rolls eyes) Okay, I'm back. So he's coming?
New York City, New York
10AM Yes.
Partner #1: Ask me a yes-or-no question.
Partner #2: How was your day?
New York City, New York
Overheard by: dp
9AM I Just Wrote "Masturbation" on Mine in Big Capital Letters
Underling: So do I submit my yearly review to you or Robert?
Boss: Why are you being so anal about the reviews? They don't matter anyway.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
5PM When My Body Does Queef/ 'Tis Time for Some Beef
Receptionist on phone: My body always tells me when it's time for a piece of beef.
Fairchild Court
Plainview, New York
4PM He's All Like, "Yo, Ho!"
Woman #1 (giggling): It says here he used to work for Cockrum. What the hell is that?
Woman #2: Maybe he was a gay bartender?
Woman #1: Or some kinda pirate.
Downers Grove, Illinois
Overheard by: I don't want to know
3PM Some Sandwich Makers Take Their Jobs Way Too Seriously
Coworker on phone: No, no, they want to build a better mousetrap. We want to take the mousetrap, dismantle it, and build an aircraft carrier. It's completely different.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Melissa
2PM The "Bodily Functions" Serenity CD Received Mixed Reviews
Office observationalist: It sounds like someone is pooping in the walls.
Cambie & Hastings
Vancouver, BC
Canadia
Overheard by: Martha
1PM We've Monopolized Your Business Long Enough
UPS guy to mailroom guy: You should really consider using FedEx.
Brooklyn, New York
12PM Which Is Why I'm Raising My Hand
Office worker: Where are the Doritos?
Cube mate: Huh?
Office worker: I said: "where are the Doritos?"
Cube mate: Oh, I thought you said: "where are the dirty hoes?"
Yardley, Pennsylvania
11AM Or Are You Just Gonna Hire Jack Sprat and His Wife Again?
Lady coworker to male coworker: Did you order the cleaning clit?
Elyria, Ohio
Overheard by: sarah
10AM ...While Stirring Over a Low Flame
Loud coworker: Well, what did he make it stiff with?
Quiet coworker, mumbling: Glue and a hairbrush.
Swiftwater, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: wookie
9AM Time Flies When You're Slow, Huh?
Cube girl #1: I am so excited! The Olympics start tonight and I love them!
Cube girl #2: Yeah they're pretty cool.
Cube girl #1: Cool?! I watch them every year!
Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: Jessica B.
5PM Poor Winnie
Sloth on phone: I agree we need to go grocery shopping before we go camping. (pause) No, don't bother to buy that much corn on the cob because my boyfriend won't eat it. (pause) Why? The truth is he doesn't like to see it in his poo when he looks back and flushes.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: My Ipod just isn't loud enough
4PM I Get a Big Raise Every Year, Though
Coworker to colleague: It's so embarrassing...I have to use my teeth.
Tempe, Arizona
3PM God, You're the Worst Industrial Spy Ever
Project manager: Boris, moose and squirrel are over there.
Union Square
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Julie
2PM Mr. T: I Pity the Baby Who Tries to Break Out Of There!
Boss to intern: Oh, you're from Kentucky! Is there anything important there?
Kentucky-born intern: Uh, the gold vault.
Boss: (blank stare)
Kentucky-born intern: You know, Fort Knox.
Boss: Oh, yeah! That's where they get the saying "She's locked up tighter than Fort Knox!"
Virginia Beach, Virginia
1PM We Imagine Ice-T in This Role
TSA agent at security checkpoint: Ladies and gentlemen, please remove all liquids and gels from your bag! Take off your shoes! And pay attention to that jewelry! That's right, if you have too much bling, you will ring! Let's speed this up here, people!
Airport
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: PetRunner
12PM Aren't You an Art History Grad Student?
Female grad student: I think I lost the sperm, and I'm not even sure what the sperm looks like.
Carl Icahn Laboratory, Princeton University
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: my experiment's not that fun
11AM ...A Little Silhouetto Of a Man
Boss: Because Mike played that song so damn much. He had such a man crush on Justin. (pause) Yeah, but you're not a man. (pause) You're not a little, tiny man who looks like Harry Potter.
Woodinville, Washington
10AM ...That's My Story and I'm Stickin' to It.
Supervisor to associate, about smell complaints: Maybe it's something in your drawers... Umm...I mean your desk drawers.
Rancho Cucamonga, California
9AM With His Cordless Drill, Perverts
Receptionist: It was just Janice and I, and my dad had to do all the screwing.
Atlanta, Georgia
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