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5PM We Were Supposed to Put It in?
Salesman, about file cabinet key: I know it didn't work. I was there when she tried it.
Worker: Did she push it all the way in?
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
4PM No Doubt
Male worker: Sorry I'm late, I had two copiers go down on me. (coworkers laugh) I mean it broke!
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM Dude, It's Colorado-- Nobody Cares
Coworker: It smells like really strong pot in here! (lifts his shirt up to his nose, sniffing) And it's not me!
Aspen Business Center
Aspen, Colorado
2PM It's What Jesus Would Do
Engineer on phone: Even skanky girls need love too. And I'm single, so I do my part to help.
Grayslake, Illinois
1PM Abuse Victims Make Excellent Employees
Account executive: It's Mike's birthday today!
Mike: It is not.
CEO: Oh well, time for the ritual birthday sodomy, anyway.
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: IT Dude
12PM Who Says Virginia Is for Lovers?
Office guy: That's gotta be some kind of metaphor, handing out blue balls.
Richmond, Virginia
11AM Elective Surgery's Out Of Control in Canadia
Female coworker to male coworker: I'm going to punch you in the ovaries!
Hamilton
Ontario
Canadia
10AM But I Tried to Make It More Appealing with Sparkles and a Bow!
Chatty woman: Yeah, my hernia is the size of a baseball! Do you want to touch it?
Younger employee: Uh, no.
Chatty woman: Why not? Man, nobody wants to touch this thing.
Younger employee: Because it's disgusting, that's why!
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: office moneky extraordinaire
9AM Why Dan Had to Change His Name to Dai
CSR on phone: His name is Dan. That's "d" as in "dog," "a" as in "apple," "n" as in "India."
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: bored receptionist
5PM I Don't Quite Know What to Do With That, Ma'am
Office manager: I think in my past life I was born in the Depression.
Hallway, Washington
4PM Being a Disney World Princess Is Less Glamorous Than One Might Think
Coworker on cell: Hey, I'm just calling to see if you're knee-deep in roach turds.
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Jen
3PM And It's Supposed to Be a Video But It's Frozen
Boss, grabbing a document of black and white printer: Who has the color version of this document? Every time I print it, it's in black and white.
Memphis, Tennessee
2PM Orgasms Are Dander's Natural Predator
Office cougar: I figure I'll just overwhelm him with great sex and he'll completely forget he's allergic to cats!
Reading, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: princess pink
1PM The Safest Balloon Animals in the State
Editor: You blow up the condoms, and I'll make the dog.
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: Mollena Williams
12PM Yet It Only Takes One Wang to Make a Right
Coworker #1: What are we getting for lunch today?
Coworker #2: Wang.
Coworker #1: Again? I'm sick of Wang.
Coworker #2: That's a lie, you never get sick of Wang.
Glastonbury, Connecticut
Overheard by: Can't wait for my contract to end
11AM Mutual, Um, Funds...Yeah...
Intern: I'd tap that.
Boss: What?!
Intern: I mean...I'd like to talk about mutual funds with that.
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM So You Stand There Twiddling Your Thumbs, While They Dig Like Meerkats
Project manager: I hate it when people tell you they have to look for something, because then they have to find it.
Oak Brook, Illinois
9AM She Ended Up Paying the Janitor to Do It.
Nepotistic hire: How do I google?
Knoxville, Tennessee
5PM How Far in Advance Do You Think I Need to Book My Tickets?
Intern: So, why aren't people making a big deal about the Mars Lander?
Busy office worker: I don't know.
Intern: Do you know many people who are on board?
Indiana
4PM And Bring Me a Fresh Box Of Tissues
Legal consultant: What is the legal issue today?
Transferring girl: Well, this woman said she took her dead boyfriend's sperm in the hospital and now his mother wants it and said she'll be damned if she lets anyone have his baby. His mom also says she'll carry the baby herself if she has to to get a son.
Legal consultant (after pause): Okay, send her through.
Eden Prairie, Minnesota
Overheard by: Stan
3PM How to Ensure There's More Cake Left for You
Coworker on way to office birthday party: Let's go eat some of this birth cake.
Pal: Technically, it's "after-birth" cake.
Erie Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Admin Ass
2PM Which Is Also Why I Don't File or Answer the Phone
Boss: Anyone want a croissant? I have some leftovers!
New hire: I don't eat croissants. I did once, I was nine, and I got a really bad headache.
Advertising Agency
Richmond, Virginia
1PM I'm Hoping to Put Everything Right With a Deathbed Confession
Professor: What's the big deal? I don't understand what I did wrong here.
Angry grad student: You put information in that grant that is absolutely wrong! You totally misconstrued the results!
Professor: Well...fine, but I said it was "early preliminary data," so it should be okay.
Johns Hopkins University
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
12PM In This Show, They Just Have Sex with Each Other
Male machinist: So do you like donkeys and stuff?
Female machinist: What...? What do you mean?
Male machinist: Ya know, like donkeys and horses...
Female machinist: Uh, why?
Male machinist: We're having a donkey and horse show this weekend. Oh! But not that kind.
Female machinist: Oh, good. You were weirding me out, man.
Rhode Island
Overheard by: Female Machinist
11AM Tonight on Fox: When Good Conversations Go Bad...
Assistant controller: I was teased a lot as a child.
Clerk: You were tea bagged a lot as a child? I wouldn't tell people that.
Assistant controller: No! I said "teased"! What the heck is "tea bagged"?
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Lexie
10AM Carmen Miranda's Descendents Have Always Faced Discrimination
Maintenance grunt: I can't take you seriously with that hat.
Maintenance monkey: This hat? This hat's the shit, man. It was my grandma's.
Collegeville, Pennsylvania
9AM Who You Are with Your iPod Is Who You Are in Life
IT guy: I've got the 80 gig iPod, the black leather case...
Secretary, interrupting: You know, I have an iPod, but I've never been able to get it to work.
IT guy, shocked: Ummmm, Sheryl, do you really want to admit that?
48th & Main
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: that sounds about right
5PM An Answer to the Maiden's Prayer Can't Be Far Off
Receptionist: Give me an STD that's not serious, just...unhealthy.
London
England
4PM Combined, They're Fruit Cocktail
Female boss to two employees: Okay, we really need to get you both on health insurance because (pointing at slutty employee) you're gonna get knocked up and (pointing at other) you're gonna squash your melon somehow.
Aspen, Colorado
Overheard by: wah wah wahhhh
3PM But Just One-- I'm a Huge Darwin Fan.
Girl on phone: After work we can go out on the boat and drink. And the dogs can come. (pause) I know! Don't think I didn't get them a life jacket.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Work It.
2PM Overheard in the Office Hearts Geeks Of All Colors and Creeds
Cubicle mate #1: Do you remember when Steve Urkel got all hot and started going as Stefan Urquelle?
Cubicle mate #2, confused: Yeah...
Cubicle mate #1: I just remembered that.
Cubicle mate #2: Ha. Did I do that?
Ontario Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: gotanycheese
1PM ...According to Some Estimates from the White House.
Leasing rep: Well, the girl was 14 and her mother's 21! How is she going to learn anything with a mother like that? And the grandmother is only 32!
Randallstown, Maryland
Overheard by: tkap
12PM My Box Is Feeling a Little Lonely
Coworker, talking about spam filter: I used to get penis all the time, now...not so much.
Tulsa, Oklahoma
11AM 617-861-3962
Businessman: Can I get a decaf cappuccino?
Waiter: Actually, we only have regular cappuccino here.
Businessman: Okay, I'll have one of those, just give me your phone number so I have somebody to talk to when I can't sleep tonight.
State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM You Hate to Fire a Guy With Such Good Feng Shui, Though
Designer on phone: You lost your chi? Is it with your red shirt? He stole your chi? He's a chi-stealer!
Broadway
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Editrix
9AM Non-Zombie Zombies Are the Worst, Man!
Coworker #1: So did you like 28 Days Later?
Coworker #2: Well, I didn't like the zombies.
Coworker #1: Why?
Coworker #2: I don't know... They weren't really zombies. Zombies don't think; they don't strategize. That's what makes them zombies!
Water Street
New York City, New York
5PM You Have No Cause Of Legal Action
Attorney on phone: The thing is that, it is not the teacher's responsibility to get your kids out of bed, it's yours.
Ellicott Square Building
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: wonders if they would make coffee while they were threre
4PM Doesn't Matter, but It's Good to Know
Boss: He has a bit of a shiny face, though. In my experience, ones with a shiny face are all pillow biters.
Office
Frankston
Australia
Overheard by: Receptionist
3PM Melissa Gets Fired. Again
Female supervisor: Here, Melissa...scrape off some of that frosting, and jam your nuts into it! It's really good!
Madison, Wisconsin
2PM Then She's All, "My Cerebral Palsy Hurts. Whine, Whine!"
Worker: I need you to pick up one of my kids, since you're already out there.
Peon: Why? What happened?
Worker: She missed the bus...again. Oh, wait, it gets better. It was the short bus. How do you miss the freaking short bus? It waits for you! The cherry on top of the sundae is that this is the second time it's happened.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
1PM ...Into a Lime-Green Masterpiece
Employee helping customer with curtains: Now I'm slightly tacky, but I think you could work these...
Bed Bath & Beyond
San Francisco, California
12PM On the Plus Side, It's Like an EZ Pass to Paternity Suits
Crime scene tech, teaching a class: No, semen doesn't last. The sperm do. It's really hard to get rid of them, even after a few days. It's those tough little heads. You could put the clothes in the laundry and still find some. So...sorry ladies.
Las Vegas Street
Colorado Springs, Colorado
11AM The Latest Edition Of My Big Book Of Rainy Day Activities Experienced Poor Sales.
New boss: It's fun to pop little babies' toes and watch them scream.
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: poor babies
10AM I've Done a Lot Of Good Work for US Senators
Coworker: You a drug rep?
Drug rep: Yep.
Coworker: What do you sell?
Drug rep: Well, if you're bleeding out your ass, I'm your man.
Independence Drive
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: hongrime
9AM When the Porn Industy Hires Efficiency Consultants
Manager: So all I'm saying is that we bang it out and get 'er done. Is that something we can do?
Associate (in shock): Um... Yeah, sure. I can bang it out and get 'er done.
Cincinnati, Ohio
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