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5PM Gosh, You Really Understand Me.
Saleswoman to another, returning from restroom: Damn, that Indian food really does clean you out!
Friend: Yeah, its like Roto-Rooter!
Saks Fifth Ave
Overheard by: agreed
4PM A Worthy Adversary Can Do Great Things for You
Office hot guy: Yeah, I didn't like him. The first time I met him he was real arrogant... like he was hot shit or something, and it turned out he was!
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Hellooverhere!
3PM Everything He Knows About Germans He's Gleaned from Looking at German Chocolate Cake
Black coworker: You're German?
White coworker with German last name: Yes.
Black coworker: How long you been German?
White coworker: Uh...since I was born.
Black coworker: I thought you were white!
Manhattan
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Animal
2PM Upon Request, I Also Poop Rainbows
Female tech: I have the funniest hiccups. They sound like kittens!
Boss: If you say so.
McComb, Mississippi
1PM Later We'll Go to the Ladies' Room and Clean Up Muffet's Tuffet
Janitor to another, from inside men's restroom: What you need to do is get down in there and scrub. Scrub-a-dub-dub. Like the men in the tub. Scrub. A dub. Dub.
5th Ave
New York City, New York
Overheard by: EmLo
12PM Notice the Wood...
Office guy, referring to crucifixion reenactment on tv: They are fighting over who gets nailed.
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: SDP
11AM If It's Inconvenient for the Handicapped, It's My Kinda Product
Peon #1: So, I finally got my new car--it's a Scion.
Peon #2: Oh yeah, dude, you like?
Peon #1: Yeah, it's sweet. It's a standard.
Peon #2: Why?
Peon #1: Well, my brother only has one arm, so this way he can't borrow my car.
West Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Julianna
10AM Like an Oyster Full Of Sweet Unconsciousness
Office lady #1: At the bar my sister works at, they put jello shots in a syringe so you can just squeeze it back.
Office lady #2: Oh no, I like to feel it all over.
Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
9AM Troubled by a Rash Of Petty Thefts, the Chemists Took Matters Into Their Own Hands
Professor #1, referring to box on front desk: What is that?
Assistant: Tetramethylammonium hydroxide.
Professor #1: What?
Professor #2: It's just a bomb.
Wichita, Kansas
Overheard by: Listening for Ticking
5PM When Americans Think, the Terrorists Win.
Boss to another, on phone: I'm telling you, if we start letting them think for themselves, we're screwed!
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Apparently Screwed
4PM Oh, We've Got Trouble. Right Here in Grove City
Plumber to receptionist: I'm here to fix the urinal.
Female receptionist: Is that in the women's restroom or the men's?
Grove City, Ohio
Overheard by: Real Chicks Stand up to Pee
3PM Note to Self: Start Packing Billy a Lunch.
Father to son about to eat crayons: No, no, no! Crayons aren't for eating!
Four-year-old boy: But I eat them at school!
Everett, Washington
Overheard by: Hopes their food comes up soon
2PM No Need to Get All Pissy
Law clerk #1: Yeah, we got our class ranks last week.
Law clerk #2: Ugh! My school is taking forever. I should write them a letter. I'm so mad. I just want them to know how incontinent they are.
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Fingers Don't Lie, but Liars Finger, Y'know
Manager to engineer: That'll cut our sales in half by at least 85%!
Batavia, Ohio
12PM As Though Winnie the Pooh's "Honey Pot" Weren't Dirty Enough
Old lady to friend: I don't know who Madonna thinks she is writing children's books. She's still a slut.
Washington, Utah
Overheard by: Nick West
11AM It's Like You've Never Seen a Pencil Before, Myrtle.
New girl: No, I want you to feel it because it's stiff.
Yaphank, New York
10AM That Was Fun, but You Just Made an Enemy for Life
Data entry worker #1: So I told her I need special glasses because of my stigmata.
Data entry worker #2: Your what?
Data entry worker #1: My stigmata.
Data entry worker #2: You have stigmata?
Data entry worker #1: Yeah.
Data entry worker #2: You suffer the wounds of Jesus?
Data entry worker #1: What?
Passing supervisor: She means her "astigmatism."
Data entry worker #2: Like in my eyes.
Data entry worker #1: (laughs hysterically)
Bridgeton, Missouri
Overheard by: Ready for Jesus
9AM When a Vendor's Just Not That Into You
Female suit to vendor on phone: Oh my god, I've been calling you nonstop. I'm like a girl in a white dress at her wedding, and her groom isn't there, and she's been calling him for two hours. That's how I feel.
Union Square
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Julie
5PM When Bluetooth Went Youtooth
Employee accompanied by small child: I smashed it on the ground and then I hit it with a chair, and now it feels like it's on fire. It's not, but it feels that way.
Small child: (inaudible)
Employee: No, I don't think any blood's coming out.
Redmond, Washington
4PM ...Before You Start Drawing Venn Diagrams
Female #1: Actually, me and my ex had a drink together a few weeks ago.
Female #2: I'm impressed at your ability to stay friends with your exes.
Female #1: No, he's the only one. That I dated. I'm friends with a lot of people that I've done..."business" with.
Female #2: I... I have to go.
Mississauga
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Creeped Out
3PM Says So on Her Jeans
Younger coworker: Oh, had her water broken?
Grandmotherly coworker: No, not yet.
Younger coworker: So, what was all the liquid then?
Grandmotherly coworker: I don't know. She's just juicy, I guess.
Kalamazoo, Michigan
Overheard by: Sorry I caught up with them
2PM On the Theory That All Bad White Singers Sound Alike?
Woman from regulatory department: Herman's Hermits? Aren't they the ones that sang "Hey hey, we're The Monkees"?
Winona, Minnesota
1PM Even If He Did Give One Of His Nine Lives for Me
Auditor: Well, of course I'd rather pray to a waving kitten instead of a guy nailed on a cross. But it's blasphemous.
Watsonville, California
Overheard by: Calling HR Now
12PM Son Of a Glitch!
Beautiful supervisor on phone: How did that project I gave you go?
Tech support specialist: Well, I ran into a couple of...snatches.
Beautiful supervisor: Okay, well, I will come help you out.
Tech support specialist, hanging up phone: I meant to say "glitches," I meant to say "glitches"!
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Tech Anthony
11AM When Normally We Schedule Him for Wednesdays
Older partner to receptionist: See you later, we're going to meet this banker.
Middle-aged partner, to older partner as they walk out the door: What? Oh, "banker." I thought you said "the spanker."
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Jen
10AM Based on My Own Painful Professional Experience
Accountant on phone: And what does he want inserted there? And all the way down to the end? I don't think it will fit.
New York City, New York
9AM As Explored in Crouching Worker, Hidden Dookie
Worker #1: Working in an office has posed one major conundrum.
Worker #2: What's that?
Worker #1: Taking a shit.
Worker #2: Oh?
Worker #1: Yeah! At least when you work in retail you have those big restrooms that the public uses as well...
Worker #2: ...
Worker #1: So when you shat you could blame it on the customers in the stall or go damn somebody dropped a biggun in here and the other employees would totally be unawares. In an office, it's a single toilet in the room and everybody sees you leave the crapper.
Worker #2: Yeah, I know what you mean I usually hold it.
Worker #1: I think I've developed stealth poo tactics. I'm like a poo ninja.
Worker #3: You know, you could just go to the other side of the building and shit in their toilets... Worker 1; poo ninja!!!!
Cincinnati OH
Overheard by: Ned No D
5PM At the "Overeating Drag-Queens and Their Voyeuristic Allies" Meeting
Photo assistant: Can I have your camera again? I think Sylvia just put mustard on her log.
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
4PM Send in the Clowns
Boss: Fuckin A, my head is still up my ass.
St. Louis County, Missouri
Overheard by: crackkitty
3PM She Was Like, "You'll Poke Your Eye Out at the Speed Of Light!"
Scientist: My momma always told me to never throw lasers.
Lecture Hall
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: dulcibella
2PM It's Way Over Your Editors' Heads
CSR #1: Everyone says that Jesus was on the bookshelf the whole time. But what if he wasn't on the bookshelf...
CSR #2: People will put Jesus wherever they want to put him.
CSR #1: Oh my god, that's so deep!
Tulsa, Oklahoma
1PM With a Minor in Hooking
Female coworker: Can you lend me a screwdriver so I can put this hook on the door?
IT dude: Do you know what you're doing with that?
Female coworker: Are you kidding? I've got a degree in screwing!
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Steph
12PM They Can Do It While They're Sleeping
Woman #1: I need to get an accountant to do my taxes, but it's just so expensive.
Woman #2: You're single, why don't you just barter with someone in accounting for sex?
Elevator, Broadway & 40th st
New York City, New York
11AM The Replacements Have Big Shoes to Fill
Office girl: I love her...she was my favorite wife.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Bry
10AM Just Like You Asked Me to Leave Early Today
Account manager: This report is missing data. Why aren't February 1st and 2nd included?
Analyst: Because I asked you yesterday if you wanted me to include them, and you told me not to.
Account manager (surprised): Oh. I did? Oh. Okay. It's great, then. Thanks.
New York City, New York
9AM He Does It to Infinity-- and Beyond
Programmer: So I'm beginning to think that [client's name] is a huge fuckup.
Boss: Yeah, but he fucks up with style. He's the Buzz Lightyear of fuckups.
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
5PM Let Me Just Wipe This Off for You...
Crazy IT girl: Do you have a knife? If anybody in here had a knife, it would be you.
Crazy IT guy: Serrated or flat?
Merrimack, New Hampshire
4PM ...Eh?
Worker #1, jokingly: That's because Trinidadians are loud.
Worker #2, offended: That's so ignorant! You're so gay!
Markham
Ontario
Canadia
3PM The Winning One, at That
Female coworker: I kinda like the idea that I once was a sperm.
Willow Lawn
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Stacy
2PM Now He Walks the Halls in a Long Black Veil
Peon #1: My husband's Xbox died last night.
Peon #2: Oh, how sad. Were they close?
Sacramento, California
1PM The Kind Of Quote That Makes Us Want to Visit the UK
Older Scottish woman: The poor wee lad's 21 now, but he's still got the mind of a child.
Geordie woman: Aye.
Older Scottish woman: Still doesn't stop her taking him to all the gay clubs, though.
Geordie woman: Aye.
Newcastle upon Tyne
England
Overheard by: Finance Mole
12PM We Can't Have Radio Control Cars Zipping Down the Hallways
Admin assistant: So, the batteries are in that bin over there when you need them, you know, for office uses and stuff.
Boss: Yeah, no personal use for your...personal toys.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Kimberly
11AM Yeah, Human Biology Really Is Creepy
Coworker #1: I think it's creepy you kiss your dad on the lips. It's like making out with your father.
Coworker #2: Why do you think that's creepy?! I'm his daughter! His sperm is inside of me!
St. Louis, Missouri
10AM America...Ferrera?
Movie studio art director answering phone: Okay, how about this... "Dear America, grow a fucking pair of balls. Thank you." Bye. (hangs up)
Santa Monica, California
9AM Mirror, Mirror, on My Shin, Why Do I Have to Work with Him?
Male coworker to female coworker: Did you get your legs waxed? Geez, your legs are so shiny I can see my face in them.
Orlando, Florida
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