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5PM Or Am I Having Another Episode?
Coworker: Do house sparrows fight to the death?
Nashua, New Hampshire
4PM ...As I Do in All Of My Dreams.
Advisor on phone: Since I'm not there anymore, you need to let the whole office know about that little victory! If nothing else...just so that I can toot my horn through your mouth!
El Paso, Texas
Overheard by: Band Nerd
3PM Are You Talking About Her Vagina?
Girl on elevator: How mad should I be that he is still publicly declaring love for someone else?
Friend: You could point it out, say, "You know, I'd feel better about all the time you spend texting your ex-skank if you took down that you love her on Facebook."
Girl: I don't want to jump to conclusions or be crazy anymore, he said that she was like a sister.
Friend: It's really absurd to text that much though.
Girl: I don't know if maybe he meant like in The South?
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Further Evidence That Female Spotted Hyenas Make Lousy Bosses
65-year-old female manager to male manager: Every time I talk to this woman it turns into a huge dick-waving contest. (pause) I think she has finally realized that I am the queen of winning dick-waving contests.
Mobile, Alabama
Overheard by: Winning this contest any day
1PM Some Strip Club Owners Run a Tight Ship
Manager to lead: Go ahead and audit her drawer tonight. We're supposed to audit everyone once a week.
Cashier: Go ahead, since it'll be quick. How often are my drawers off anyway?
Passing coworker: Every. Night.
Lee's Summit, Missouri
Overheard by: Alicia
12PM That Guy's Always Getting a Raise
Lady #1, surprised after leaving meeting: Can you believe he was right about that?
Lady #2, angry: Ugh. No. Now I have to give him a blowjob.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: ...Wants to be in that department
11AM I Just Meant We'll Have Rough, Mammalian Sex
Assistant to director: I think I'm going to ride your beast tonight. (pause) Wait. That came out wrong.
Indianapolis, Indiana
10AM Appreciating Irony Is Bad for a Sales Career
Obnoxious sales guy: But your product is my back end!
Times Square
New York City, New York
9AM Thank Goodness I Experience a High Volume Of Patrolmen
Secretary #1: I just read that thong panties are "bacteria highways" from back to front!
Secretary #2: I am highway-free, I think. Maybe some traffic jams, though.
Secretary #1: Huh?
Fairbanks, Alaska
Overheard by: OMG
5PM The Employee Tennis Retreat Should Be Interesting
Admin #1: Ya know, for all the quirky ways about her, Susan really is adorable.
Admin #2: Oh, yay! She is very attractive, but sometimes ya just wanna smash her.
Houston, Texas
4PM He's Still Breastfeeding
Female coworker: How old is your girlfriend's son?
Male coworker: 17. He sometimes sleeps in bed with her.
Female coworker: What? What?!
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Grossed Out
3PM Then I Roll Right Out Of His Office
Librarian #1: I don't want to call my mother. She's just going to tell me that I need to lose weight.
Librarian #2: You are fine. You do not need to lose weight. As long as you can still walk without a cane, you don't need to lose weight. That's what I tell my doctor when he tells me to lose weight.
Stillwater, Oklahoma
2PM Why We No Longer Spike the Punch at Office Parties
Suit to colleague: So everyone's standing around, like they're wearing togas or something, and somebody comes over and says Julius Caesar's not wearing any clothes.
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Roman Naked
1PM The Cracks Spread With Alarming Rapidity
CSR: Nancy had, like, a nervous breakdown after a phone call that lasted an hour and a half. I felt bad for her, but it was also kinda cool. It was like watching glass shatter.
Newton, Massachusetts
12PM Well, Let's Just Get Right to the Layoffs, Shall We?
Overly talkative manager: So, to lighten the mood a little on this call, what did you do on your day off yesterday, Steve? Did you get some mini-golf in?
Steve: I was at my uncle's funeral.
Minnesota
Overheard by: HungryHungryHippy
11AM And Was I Supposed to Pour a Bottle Of Water on It?
Teller, giving ATM instructions: Now just hit the little button that says "confirm" on the screen.
Customer: Is that the red button that says "cancel"?
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: bankbug
10AM Firing People's Just the Icing on the Cake
IT manager: I wish I worked in HR, they're always either eating cake or firing people.
New York City, New York
9AM Might Make Our Commute More Difficult, Though
Employee #1: I wish we still had dinosaurs. That would be awesome!
Employee #2: Are you high?
Employee #1: No, no, no. I'm just saying, it would totally solve the goose problem.
McLean, Virginia
5PM The Little Engineer That Could
Man walking into building to security guard: I think I can do it with a screwdriver and wire coat hanger.
Houston, Texas
4PM From the Workplace Version of The Weakest Link
Intern #1: Paul, are you chewing on a battery?
Intern #2: Yeah, it's fun. I'm bored and it shocks me.
Washington, DC
3PM Mike's Days at the Company Were Numbered After This
Office jokester: If one person calls you a jackass, that's their opinion. If ten people call you a jackass, get a saddle.
Office dullard: What's a saddle?
Cooper City, Florida
Overheard by: Knows what a saddle is
2PM They Go Through a Case Of Gel Mousepads Every Week
Lady #1 in supply room: I gotta touch it, I just got touch it!
Lady #2 in supply room: I really need to touch it!
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
1PM And You've Missed the Cutting Of the Urinal Cake
Nosy employee #1: Sounds like there's a party going on in the bathroom.
Nosy employee #2: Well, there is!
Norwalk, Connecticut
12PM You Should Write This Stuff Down, Sir
Assistant to boss: I need to leave early today for a dentist's appointment. Would that be okay?
Boss: Sure, is at 2:30?
Assistant: 2:30?? No, it's at 3.
Boss: Well, it should be at 2:30.
Assistant: Why?
Boss (chuckling): Because you're tooth hurty. Get it? Two thirty, tooth hurty.
Assistant: Are you kidding me?
Dallas, Texas
11AM Yes! Another Big Win for Strategic Incompetence!
Sales manager: Can you ship this to Kuwait for me or should I fill everything out beforehand?
Mail room guy: Do you need it shipped overseas?
Sales manager: Yes, to Kuwait.
Mail room guy: Is that overseas?
Sales manager: It's in the Middle East!
Mail room guy: East Coast?
Sales manager: No, the Middle East! It's international.
Mail room guy: The East Coast is not international.
Sales manager: I'll just do it myself.
Louisville, Kentucky
10AM And What I Just Did!
(cell phone rings, CEO at urinal answers)
CEO: Hello? Yeah, hi. I'll be....
(another toilet flushes very loudly)
CEO: Guess where I am?
New Westminster, BC
Canadia
Overheard by: Knows the etiquette
9AM Everyone at the Party Laughed at Me
IT guy #1: So, I was using the snake.
IT guy #2: Did you get it in there?
IT guy #1: Yeah, but like I got six inches in and it just exploded.
Washington St
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Jaggie
5PM Chorus in Background: "Amo, Amas, Amat..."
Scattered manager to client on speakerphone: Hi Bill, this is Carol. I have Jen and Beth here. We're all conjugating at Jen's desk.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: The Notorious B
4PM Portrait Of Three Guys Who Have to Go to the U.S. to Meet Girls
Colleague #1: Pi is 3.14.
Colleague #2: You gotta be more accurate than that, it's 3.1415926536...
Colleague #1: No, that should be 535. If you're gonna use it as an example of accuracy...
Colleague #3: Maybe it was an example of irony? Ranting about accuracy and getting the 17th decimal place of pi wrong...
High Holborn
London
England
3PM ...Before I Get Out My Riding Crop.
Attorney: Don't make any appointments for me this weekend, I'm going to a rodeo.
Minion: Are you in it?
Attorney: Yeah.
Minion: I didn't know you rode.
Attorney: Well, if you put enough hardware on it you can ride anything.
Minion: (laughing)
Attorney: I meant the horse.
Minion: (laughing uncontrollably)
Attorney: Get out of my office!
Little Rock, Arkansas
Overheard by: Does it come with instructions?
2PM Though the Russian Judge Only Gave Her a "6"
Woman in bathroom stall to woman in neighboring stall: Yeah, she the one who did my son's circumcision. She did a bang up job.
Olathe, Kansas
1PM Soda and Bootleg Disney Movies Were Our Contraband
Receptionist to office worker, carrying two bags of crushed Dr. Pepper cans: Oh my god! Are all those yours?
Office worker: Yep! Gotta hide the evidence of my addiction.
Receptionist: A Dr. Pepper addiction. I haven't seen one of those since I was a Mormon.
Santa Rosa, California
12PM Flatulatkes?
(fart noise, then microwave door closes and microwave starts, then a ding!)
Temp kid: Dude, what did he just microwave?
Northern Virginia
Overheard by: Mika
11AM Well, Initially With This Scalpel, but Ultimately With a Bone Saw
Secretary: Where are my scissors? Did you take my scissors? You're always taking my stuff!
Junior suit: Do you see me cutting anything?
Secretary: I'll cut you up.
Junior suit: With what?
Wall Street
New York City, New York
10AM But I'll Be Wearing a Hawaiian Shirt the Whole Time!
Pod dweller #1: So, I might take tomorrow off.
Pod dweller #2: Nice, what're you gonna do?
Pod dweller #1: Nothin, going to the gym and stuff...I'll probably come in to work.
Pod dweller #2: That's the shittiest day off I ever heard.
Pennsylvania, Philadelphia
Overheard by: sex > work
9AM Talks Normal Speed and Everything
Canadian freelancer: Is your husband Canadian?
Texan producer: No, he's real smart.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Sharon
5PM Jesus's Message to the American Public
Coworker to coworker: I am tired of carrying you. It seems you get heavier every year.
New York City, New York
4PM Stupid Firewall
Guy a few cubicles down: No mom, I'm not looking at porn.
Los Angeles, California
3PM Whoreloween!
Coworker #1: Did you see Amy's orange and black leopard print top?
Coworker #2: Yeah.
Coworker #1: She looks like Halloween!
Coworker #2: Or a whore.
Washington, DC
2PM Since the Mailman Moved Away
Editor: So my gynecologist's office just called to say that she retired--a week before my next appointment.
Writer: What? That's weird.
Editor: Yeah. Thanks so much.
Writer: Well, it's only your vagina. No big deal.
Editor: Yeah, nothing much ever happens there anyway.
Augusta, Georgia
1PM Why the Company Stopped Hiring 15-Year-Old Boys
Salesperson #1, after eating slice of pie: It was so nice of the other department to offer us some pie! I am going to make them some origami in return.
Salesperson #2, after sneezing loudly and all over the place: I'm gonna give 'em that.
Salesperson #3: Seriously. Ew.
Florida
Overheard by: Looking for the hand sanitizer...
12PM "Executive Barbie" Finds That the Right Outfit Doesn't Always Cut It
Female sales associate to male sales associate: Am I really that dumb?
(male sales associate gives her a blank stare)
Female sales associate: Oh my god! I really am that dumb!
Woodbury Commons, New York
11AM Sylvia in Accounting Is Quite Attached to Her Handlebar Mustache
New male employee: Does our company have a policy restricting facial hair?
HR: No. If we started restricting facial hair for men, then we'd have to restrict the women too and that's just too much work.
Technology Parkway, Massachusetts
10AM Or, As the French Call It, "Le Mall"
Manager #1: Are you writing "I hate you" in all the languages you know?
Manager #2: Yes.
Manager #1: So cultured.
Manager #2: How many languages do you know?
Manager #1: I took eight years of french.
Manager #2: Oh, are you fluent?
Manager #1: I can find the mall.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: in your office listening to your convos
9AM Which Was Not a Kodak Moment
Production assistant, after something crashes to the floor: Oh thank god, I thought you dropped a camera.
Editor: Nope. That was just my ball sack slamming into the floor.
Chappaqua, New York
Overheard by: I can't believe I work here...
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