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5PM ...to Morty's Funeral
CEO: I assume you are perceptive enough to know there will be no strippers on the bus.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
4PM It's More Of a Concentrated Spurt Than a Shake, Really
Coworker: Hey, what's that on your pants?
Pocket Hercules: Oh, this? It's just a little protein shake.
Coworker: What?
Pocket Hercules: Wait, that didn't sound right!
Bloomington, Minnesota
3PM Corey Haim Tried to Go Corporate...
Cube worker preparing to take flu medicine (to the tune of Monty Python's Spam Song): Drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs, wonderful drugs, glorious drugs.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Fyathy Rio
2PM In All Its Smoky, Disgusting Deliciousness
Guy: I really like cigars.
Girl: Really? Ew!
Guy: I used to smoke them all time.
Girl: Gross!
Guy: I haven't had one in a long time, but they were delicious.
Girl: I just think they seem so disgusting.
Male coworker, catching the tail end of the conversation: Hey, are you guys talking about the McRib?
Camden County, New Jersey
1PM Why the Company Abandoned "Everclear Thursdays"
Boss: Have you seen Tina today?
Loudmouth: Yeah, at 1 am, passed out in the shrubbery!
DeKalb, Illinois
Overheard by: also hungover
12PM On the Plus Side, Now I Won't Have to Pay the Lab Technicians to Do It
Girl #1: It is cold in here.
Girl #2: Well, then wear a sweater.
Girl #3: Can you please turn it down? My ovaries are starting to freeze!
Stony Brook University Medical Center
Stony Brook, New York
Overheard by: laura d
11AM The Masai Start Buying Up Manhattan Businesses
Employee on phone: What did you say? I'm not going to drink the blood of a cow!
New York City, New York
10AM Wilbur the Pig Repeatedly Falls Into Charlotte's Web
Yuppie analyst #1: Dude, that girl you took home last night was maybe a 3.
Yuppie analyst #2: I mean...it was my birthday, I had way too much to drink, I... (pauses) You're right...no excuses...she was a total farm animal.
New York City, New York
9AM I Think Of It As Swirl Art
Coworker who quit smoking four days ago: You know what? I'm to that point now, where I'm starting to cough shit up. I mean, I know it's nasty, but you look in the sink and you say to yourself, "cool...that's not in me anymore!"
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Ashley
5PM Superhero Diction Man Knew His Hour Had Come
Irate customs broker: I want to speak to someone with authority! Not someone who speaks like he has a potato in his mouth!
Miami, Florida
4PM More Fallout from the Garden Of Eden Fruit Scandal
Jenn: Oh my god, Anne, I can smell that from here!
(everyone in cubicles around Jenn and Anne look up at Anne)
Anne (looking horrified): I'm peeling an orange! She's smelling my orange!
Kent Street
Sydney, New South Wales
Australia
3PM They Smell Like Victory!
Asian coworker, looking up abruptly: You know that smell that you get in your nose when you're done smelling something? I smell meatballs.
St. Cloud, Minnesota
2PM How Nice Of Mr. Hefner to Loan One Out
Grad student: A few months ago she said it was national bring-your-bunny-to-work day-- which I'm pretty sure she made up...so when I walked by her cube she had the bunny in a makeshift fort between her purse and some binders. And the next time I walked by, eight members of the senior staff were sitting in a circle on the floor playing with the bunny in the middle.
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Intern
1PM And I Saw a Cloud Shaped Like a Sandwich!
Worker returning from smoke break: Sorry I'm back so late. I found a dog!
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: I share an office with him
12PM Just Need to Know If It's Really Gonna Hit My Eye Like a Big Pizza Pie
Caller: I need to speak to your meteorologist now.
Producer: Sorry, she's gone to dinner.
Caller: But I really need to know about the moon. Will she be saying anything about the moon tonight during the news?
Producer: What are you, a werewolf?
News Station
Jackson, Mississippi
11AM Seriously, I Thought You Were Turning Into a Rhino or Something
Coworker: I just heard you're seven months pregnant! Wow, and here I thought you were just gaining a lot of weight.
Pregnant chick: Thanks? (laughs)
Coworker: Really! I just figured you were gaining weight!
Pregnant chick: Right. Gotcha. Thanks.
Bethesda, Maryland
10AM I Don't Have the Energy for Another Cucumber Demo Today-- Okay, Larry?
Male coworker: Wait! What's that word mean?
Female coworker: What? "Fellatio"?
Male coworker: Yeah, that.
Female coworker: Oh, jeez. It means "oral sex."
Male coworker: Ohhhh. Hey, Susanna*, can I fellatio you?
Derry, New Hampshire
Overheard by: TacoSlinger
9AM Drop a Bunch Of Condoms on the Floor, and He'll Immediately Tell You How Many There Are
Secretary: So, what's her husband like?
Manager: Oh, he's kind of like Mr Bean...you think he may be slightly autistic but he's still really sexually attractive.
Secretary: Uhh...
Office
Sydney
Australia
5PM I Do Feel Kinda Special When She Applauds, Though.
Coworker #1: We have a woman janitor now. Things have been awkward to say the least.
Coworker #2: Well, you can't discriminate, though. Women janitors need to work too.
Coworker #1: Nothing like having her walk in on you while you are standing at the urinal...or taking a poop and hear somebody walk in and then walk out. And then when you exit the restroom, she is waiting outside the door with rubber gloves and a can of Lysol.
Fairmont, West Virginia
4PM It's So Awkward When I Stop Talking Because I've Hurt My Feelings
Coworker #1: (mumbles)
Coworker #2: Hah?
Coworker #1: Hah? Oh, I am just talking to myself.
Coworker #2: Oh. As long as you are not answering yourself.
Coworker #1: I do! I don't want to be rude!
Manhattan, New York
3PM Shamu: *Rolls Eyes*
Ultra white female peon: Yo, dat Sea World pen is the shit!
Ultra white male peon: What, thisse one?
Ultra white female peon: Nah, man... The Sea World pen! It's da bomb!
Ultra white male peon: Naw, somebody ganked mine!
Conference Way North, Boca Raton FL
Overheard by: Straight Trippin, Boo
2PM She Needs to Stop Spewing Crap About Me
Fat, braless, tattooed, redneck biker-looking kitchen worker: I oughta sue her for defecating my character--talking about me like that!
Incredulous co-worker: Ummm...do you mean defaming?
Fat, braless, tattooed, redneck biker-looking kitchen worker: Yeah...whatever.
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: donna
1PM Internet: I'm So Lonely-- Nobody Ever Calls
Supervisor on speakerphone: Hold on a sec, I've got another call. Hello, this is Mark*.
Caller: Yes, am I in the right place?
Supervisor: I don't know, who were you trying to reach?
Caller: Is this the number for the internet?
Supervisor: No, I'm sorry, this is a state agency.
Caller: This isn't the internet?
Supervisor: Nope, sorry.
Caller: Oh, darn, okay bye.
Supervisor (back to the other line): Well, that was a first.
Newington, Connecticut
Overheard by: but please give it my regards. I'm a huge fan.
12PM Behind the Scenes at Every McDonald's Commercial, in a Nutshell
Frantic coworker on telephone: What's the status of Ron's wig?!
Tidewater, Virginia
11AM Your Wife or Your Daughter, Sir?
Man walking down hallway: And I've lost the rhino somewhere...
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
10AM And Have That Carpal Tunnel Surgery
Male VP: We'll beat it off for now.
Female general counsel: We'll beat it off for the next five years.
Consultant: That's probably the longest we can beat it off for.
Female general counsel: And then I'll retire.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: If I so much as smile, I'll get fired.
9AM Because I Have a Stabbing Pain in My Ear
Woman on phone to cable company: Okay. Hey, hold on a sec. (yells into the phone) Don't go meet him, he's gonna stab you! I know he stabbed your brother, that's why I think he's gonna stab you too! (pause) Fine! if you want to get stabbed don't come crying to me. Just make sure you bring your phone so you can call 911, okay? Sorry about that...now what do I do next?
Call center rep: Uhh, I think I need to report this call.
Woman: Why?
Time Warner Call Center
Albany, New York
Overheard by: Dani
5PM And Now They're in a Sticky Situation
Manager: How can they spend this much on marketing?
Old partner: They certainly blew their whole load for the year.
Deerfield, Illinois
Overheard by: cube noob
4PM Why All the Models in American Apparel Ads Look Like That
Sales associate #1: So I might go to Japan.
Sales associate #2: You should go. I would be Japanese as shit.
Sales associate #1: The only reason I wouldn't would be to get my degree in pharmaceuticals.
Sales associate #2: Oh. You should do that. I always need drugs.
Clothes Store
Williamsburg, New York
3PM Unfortunately, It Was Too Late.
Employee #1, on boss's outfit: You look very "navy" today!
Retired officer: Yup, blue and gold all the way! You should see my underwear.
Employee #2: And now the conversation's over.
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
2PM When Homicide Becomes Justifiable
Customer at deli: There's not enough holes in that Swiss cheese. That's no good. There's supposed to be more holes. I don't know whether to get a quarter pound or a half. Let me taste it...alright, give me a little more than a quarter pound...that's too much!
Third Avenue
Manhattan, New York
1PM It's Difficult to Make Ashes Look Alive, Ma'am
Family: Well, let me ask you this, I mean, she won't look dead, right? I've seen some bodies that look like they are dead and I think that is awful, how do you make the deceased not look "that" way?
Director: Uuuhhmmmmm, well, uhhh, huh?
Funeral Home
Detroit, Michigan
12PM Which Is Why I Still Use One at Restaurants
Girl peon#1: I don't think it's safe to transport raccoons in your car, even if they are in a booster seat.
Girl peon#2: A booster seat is always the exception to the rule.
Hall of Justice
Sacramento, California
11AM The Guy at the Burrito Counter Winked at Me, and I Lost All Control
Frustrated supervisor to quitting employee: And I'll need your password for your computer. Why don't you just give me that now?
Employee, mumbling: It's "Latinomneeee."
Supervisor: Did you say "Latino E"? I couldn't understand you.
Employee: No, it's "Latino heat."
(awkward silence)
Employee: I guess I was feeling a little frisky that day.
Bushwick
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: ap
10AM Which Old Wake? The Witch's Wake!
Cube rat: I went to the funnest wake last night.
Chicago, Illinois
9AM That Would Be the Icing on The... Well, You Know.
Editor #1: He's the son of the cake lady, right?
Editor #2: Yeah.
Editor #1: That lady died, right?
Editor #2: Yeah.
Editor #1: I wonder if he had something to do with it.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Confused reporter
5PM Probably Time to Go Out for a Smoke
Guy #1: You know what's a bad way to go? Velociraptors.
Guy #2: I'm not afraid of them anymore. I'd say the T-Rex is worse.
Guy #1: Come on--everybody chooses the man-eating tiger.
Guy #2: Or ape.
(pause)
Guy #1: I wouldn't mind working on a farm.
Victoria
BC
Canadia
4PM I've Really Watched His, Uh, Practice Grow.
Patient on phone: I would like to make an appointment to see Dr. Radcliff*
CSR: Okay, have you seen Dr. Radcliff before or are you a new patient?
Patient: Well, he's been in me three times before (referring to stent placed in heart and legs) So he's pretty much my doctor already!
CSR: Okkkkkk... (nervous chuckle)
Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: TMI
3PM Truthfully, I've Have No Luck with Cocks in the Past.
Casting assistant on phone: Yes, that should work. I have had lots of luck with the cocks in the past.
(silence)
Laughing casting assistant: Oh my god! I just realized how that sounded. (hysterically laughing) I meant Cox Net, I meant the email address. Oh god, I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry, miss.
New York City, New York
2PM Socrates: "Know Thyself."
Dumb girl: I'm really good at those things.
Supportive guy: What things?
Dumb girl: Those things, like with the letters. Like Roy G Biv and stuff like that.
Supportive guy: Oh, like mnemonic devices. That's good.
Asshole guy: So do you know what an i-d-i-o-t is?
Dumb girl: Uh... (thinks)... Shit! No!
Asshole guy: That's, like, really important for our job. You have to know an i-d-i-o-t.
Dumb girl: But I don't! Crap!
Hempstead Turnpike
Wantagh, New York
Overheard by: Kim, the Anit-Idiot.
1PM One That Fools Your Brain Into Thinking It's Warm
Complaining sales girl: I'm freezing!
Jaded sales girl: No, you're not, it's an illusion. They paint the walls a color that fools your brain into thinking it's cold.
Complaining sales girl: Really?
Jaded sales girl: No, not really. Now go put on a damn sweater and quit complaining to me!
Shop
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: sasha
12PM How to Clear Out the Lunch Room in One Easy Step
Office worker: Oh, finally! This piece of dead skin came off.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Heather
11AM Wasn't This a Scene in Can't Hardly Wait?
Person #1: Where is Marcelo?
Marcelo (walking in conference room): You didn't tell me the time of the meeting changed! You gave me your shaft!
(silence, followed by uncontrollable laughter)
Person #2: Whoever is teaching Marcelo English slang, please stop.
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: Highly Amused
10AM You've Got Rush Limbaugh Poisoning, Dude
Grad student: Everything is unisex these days, even a vagina.
Laboratory
Charleston, South Carolina
9AM Raise Your Hand If You've Considered Faking Your Own Death to Avoid Work
Wife on speakerphone to office mate: We're going to have to decide once and for all if we're going to do that insurance fraud thing.
Victoria, Texas
Overheard by: Why I never use speakerphone
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