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5PM Well, Once My Chestnuts Start Roasting on an Open Fire...
Secretary: I figured that's why you were upstairs...going crazy with a cheese log.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: sounds yummy
4PM Um, On...?
Office peon to returning temp: Hey Spencer*, good to see you. How come you came back?
Temp: Revenge.
Mississauga
Canadia
3PM Psh, Like Florida's Alone in Pretending New Jersey Doesn't Exist
Salesperson: I find it mildly insulting that, like, the entire state of Florida does not call me back.
New Providence, New Jersey
2PM Would You Like Some?
Engineer with cane: I have a degenerative back problem. The discs push together and the stuff that comes out is the consistency of crab.
Murray, Utah
Overheard by: With a K or a C?
1PM That's What He Said!
Manager: Can you find these three files in our system?
Ditzy librarian: Sure. It'll either take me five minutes, or longer than five minutes.
Mississauga
Ontaro
Canadia
12PM He Also Thinks the Elevator's Like a Time Machine
Suit about to walk through a revolving door: It's like a maze!
Charleston, South Carolina
11AM Not on My Watch
Insurance coordinator on phone: I received your mold report and just for future reference, "caulking" is not spelled "c-o-c-k-i-n-g."
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Kanee
10AM It's Better to Be Well-Bred Than Thoroughbred
Working girl #1: I am so glad I'm not a female horse.
Working girl #2: Well, if you were a female horse you'd be built for that.
Working girl #1: I don't want to be built for that.
Working girl #2: I'm just glad I'm not a female horse.
Working girl #1: That's what I just said!
Office Building
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Care
9AM I Love Comic Sans!
Geeky IT guy: How can you hate fonts?
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: indifferent to fonts
5PM A Dirty Mind Makes Otherwise Dull Days Bearable
Female coworker: Anybody need anything? I'm going to go down to the vending machines, I need a little protein with my carb this morning.
(male coworker gives a suggestive chuckle)
Female coworker: Nothin' outta you! (pause) Wait...crap, I didn't mean it that way!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: jearu
4PM The Paul Bunyan Myth Has Become Distorted with Time
Cube dweller: The only thing that saved his life was that he fell on this dead donkey.
Dayton, Ohio
3PM If They're Not Civil, You Can Fire Them
Office dweller #1: What is a civil servant?
Office dweller #2: Like someone that serves you in your house, like a butler.
Office dweller #1: Oh, I thought it was like a post office worker or something.
Office dweller #2: Nope, pretty sure it's a butler.
Cube world, San Diego
Overheard by: Tired of the nonsense
2PM A Lesson I'm Sure You've Learned After the Last Time.
Boss: If the phone rings, and I'm still here...
Secretary: You're not here?
Boss: Right. I don't care if it's Carmen Electra calling for an emergency titty-fuck.
Rhode Island
Overheard by: Lauren
1PM As...?
Girl: My dad said I can't get a boob job because of the economy. I told him if I got a boob job, I'd have a better chance of getting hired and making money.
Costa Mesa, California
12PM This Is Almost As Great As Our Tin-Can Phone Idea!
Girl to coworker at desk next to her: I kinda want to interoffice you something to see how long it takes.
Coworker: You totally should!
Girl: Yeah. Then we'd be like pen pals!
Office Building
Manhattan, New York
11AM Damn You, Gloria Steinem, You've Foiled Me for the Last Time! *shakes Fist*
Female coworker, after cutting in line to get her lunch: What happened to "ladies first"?
Male coworker: The womens' rights movement.
Potrero Hill
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: amanda
10AM If It Involves Your Bunions Again, I'm Hanging Up.
Coworker on phone: Ma'am, are you an owner with Melvin? I can't help you if you're not an owner with Melvin. Again, ma'am, I can't help you if you're not an owner with Melvin. We didn't even book your vaca...okay, fine. Tell me your little story.
Redmond, Washington
9AM His Supervisor Doesn't Like Him Because He's Always Rushin'
Dude: My brother is the Rasputin of the welding industry.
Elevator
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Jas
5PM That Second Cup of Earl Grey Has Turned Me Into a Savage
Elderly, stately female boss: Well, this fax machine will have to do for now. It can't get anything in it but it can still put out. (pauses) Oh, my. I actually said that.
Tucson, Arizona
4PM The Board Voted "Neigh" on This Proposal
Female worker: That's my cue to saddle up! (mimes mounting a horse)
Morris Plains, New Jersey
Overheard by: Intern in the next Cube
3PM That Was Unworthy of You, Betty
HR rep to coworker: I could, like, totally get a raise if I slept with him.
Coworker: Haven't you already?
Leavenworth, Kansas
2PM From the Extreme Home Makeover Director's Cut
Lead designer to counter top installer: Just go drill her holes to make her shut up!
Carlsbad, California
1PM We Proudly Present the Ultimate Swedish Joke
Perky coworker: Hello! Are you still impressed by my pants?
Uppsala
Sweden
12PM After You Bring Me Back Some Onesies
Excited office lady #1: Hey Sandy! Huge baby clothing sale at Macy's today!
Excited office lady #2: Really?
Office guy, under his breath: Kill me.
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
11AM Peter Prison-Shower Always Gets His Way
Developer on phone with admin: Yeah, just add it to the list. The account name is 'consumer', password 'buttfucker'. Thanks.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Mr. the Snake
10AM Like, "Holy Baby Jesus, Did I Have Some Crazy Sex Last Night!"
Male sales rep: He's nice. You'll like him. Oh, he's religious, so watch what you say--not that you cuss or anything...
Female sales rep: No, it's cool. I can throw in some baby Jesus references. Whatever.
Irving, Texas
9AM For a True Sandwich Artist, Ham and Cheese Sing the Music of the Spheres
Sandwich-making peon to another: Stop walking like you have a purpose!
Reno, Nevada
5PM Placenta Previa Is This Year's Hot New Color
Editor: Did you see the paint in Jenny's new office?
Designer: Whoa! It looks like a doctor's office in a third world country in here.
Southern Maryland
Overheard by: has a good paint job
4PM Or at Least Get Workman's Comp.
Sales manager: Why are you brushing your hair with a stapler?
Office assistant: Well, I thought I could staple it.
Sales manager: (silence)
Fenton, Missouri
Overheard by: Catherine
3PM Mr. Trump Made Me Sign a Nondisclosure Agreement in Regards to His Hair
Employee #1: Oh my god, oh my god!
Employee #2: It's sad...
Employee #1: Did it scream?
Employee #2: When you pet it?
Dedham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Genza
2PM Not While I'm Dating Mr. Creosote
Woman on phone: I'm not going to eat before something called "belly-buster night!"
Arlington, Virginia
1PM ...As I Had Requested in That Inter-Office Memo.
Woman exiting bathroom stall to woman washing her hands at sink: Shirley! I like you! You've filled out your jeans!
Chesapeake, Virginia
12PM Most Careers Require You to Fake It 'til You Make It
Flustered CS rep #1: I don't know what I'm doing!
Flustered CS rep #2: That's like our department's battle cry. I'm going to have t-shirts made.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: tomorrow is my last day
11AM ...You've Sufficiently Demonstrated That You Deserve the Job
Mail guy: Okay, that's the last I want to see of your chest.
Manhattan, New York
10AM Lick Me and You'll Be Awake All Night
Secretary #1: I have Mountain Dew.
Secretary #2: Excuse me?
Secretary #1: I have Mountain Dew. (pause) My boobs are sweating.
Wilmington, Delaware
9AM Ask for "Oliver Clothesoff"? Really?
CSR #1, deadpan: They do that on the phone sometimes. When you do that to me on the phone, you really get me.
CSR #2, excitedly: Yeah, oh yeah!
Chesapeake, Virginia
Overheard by: Ashleigh
5PM "Quaint Pretense for Money"?
Boss man's phone cell on auto text-to-speech mode: Taint defense for dummies.
Baffled employee: What did you phone just say?
Silver Lake, California
4PM Spongebob Had Difficulties Making Friends in the Workplace
Manager to another: Well...you're squishy!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: I just work here...
3PM ...As I Argued in My Doctoral Dissertation
Guy #1: Do you remember GizmoDuck?
Guy #2: Yeah! He was like the Iron Man of the duck world.
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Clair
2PM Micromanagement: The Three Little Pigs' Fatal Flaw
Coworker on telephone with client: No...I really don't know what kind of padlock to buy for a tent. (tries hard not to laugh)
North Liberty, Iowa
Overheard by: Krystal
1PM He Also Freaked When She Ordered a Case Of White-Out
Black lady cleaning out her desk: I got to get rid of all these crackers in here.
White guy passing through: I heard that!
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: Saltine McCrackerface
12PM Their Intern Program Is Excellent
Manager, about co-worker's brother: He really should've started with the mafia at a younger age.
Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM Why Don't You Ask the Octopus in Accounting?
Bipedal co-worker: I don't have enough legs for that!
England
10AM People Are Dying to Get in Touch With Me
Chaplain: Oh! I need to turn my vibrator up!
Hospice Company
Dallas, Texas
9AM ...And All the Ladies Went Bananas.
Designer: Awwww, his monkey fell out...
Steveston
Canadia
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