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5PM Tonight on Straight Eye for the Queer Guy
Chief: Tom's got it all wrong. Most of the gay men I meet are eloquent, they're fit, into the arts. Tom's none of this things. He's fat, he's got a mass of body hair, bad breath...it's like he's only gay in his brain.
Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania
4PM I Was Kind Of Affronted When My Date Made Me Eat My Vegetables
Dispatcher #1: Which escort service did we use?
Dispatcher #2: Was it "Mom's escort service"?
Monroe, Michigan
Overheard by: Monica
3PM So Do I Have the Job or What?
Chick: Sometimes I chew with my mouth open just for effect.
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: aireiq
2PM No Need to Get All Prickly About It
Male coworker to Helen: I shaved, Helen.
Helen: I thought we were going to keep that a secret.
Houston, Texas
1PM What You Get for Hiring a "Programmer" with a Degree in English Literature
Manager: Why doesn't our testing server work?
Programmer: I'll tell you exactly why it doesn't work. I built it.
Manager: I'm leaving now.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: He's right.
12PM How You Know You've Been at a Job Too Long
Male coworker: I can't find that file he was talking about anywhere.
Female coworker: I swear, if I have to keep listening to your screeching voice anymore, I'm going to start killing babies.
Los Angeles, California
11AM And Maybe If I Get a Divorce, I'll Be Twenty Again
Manager to peon: I'm so confused, maybe if I start smoking dope again things will make sense.
Washington
10AM That Was a Sneeze, Mary
Female coworker: Neil, you said you'd eat me last week.
Mississauga
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: T Con
9AM What Do You Mean, "What's a Lock?"?
Guy on cell: You have to pull the door and then turn the key. (pause) Did the key break off in the lock? (pause) Look at your key. Is half of it missing?
West Jefferson
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Kazmeyer
5PM I Prefer Working in the Gutters Of Society
Arrogant attorney, in disgust: I would never do yard work. It would make me feel...poor.
Washington, DC
4PM Clap If You Believe This. (We Didn't Think So)
Coworker: If Al Gore had been elected president we'd all be fairies now.
White Plains, New York
Overheard by: Weeping for the Future
3PM Thing One or Thing Two?
Guy, as office girl comes back from lunch at a new restaurant: So, what's your thing look like?
Office girl: Um, excuse me?
Lakeland, Florida
2PM But Could You Give 'Em a Sniff to Make Sure?
CSR: I'm bored.
Manager: Well, go find something to do.
CSR: There's nothing around here to do just yet.
Manager: There's always something--go clean your drawers.
CSR: My drawers are clean...I think.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
1PM I Like to Keep My Look Current
Woman on phone: Tomorrow I have to go to the alternation place to get my dress alternated.
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
12PM Not Since the Last Time You Asked Me That.
Very agitated girl to coworker: Do you have a box that can fit something seven inches long?
New York City, New York
11AM But Dad Didn't Raise No Quitters
IT worker: I am the worst drunk driver ever.
Richmond, Virginia
10AM But Argentina Keeps Cockblocking
Extremely excited boss: I know! They're great! We're looking to penetrate Brazil!
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM ...Until I Can Finally Resolve the Question, "How Many Licks Does It Take?"
Flaming server: Gimme some tape to close this envelope: I don't lick nothin' that doesn't have a sailor attached.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indianapolis
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM I Would've Gone the "Nipple" Route, Myself.
Project manager #1: Do you want something to suck on?
Project manager #2: Like a tea bag?
Troy, Michigan
Overheard by: Mortgage Whisperer
4PM Dirty or Clean?
Secretary to boss: So then I put a sweat sock over his head and left it there for about seven hours.
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM This Supreme Court Justice Gig Is Everything I'd Dreamed!
Coworker on phone: My boss wasn't coming in till noon, so I showed up at 11:30 and sat around till he showed up and took everyone to lunch for three hours, and we all got hammered. When we got back I practiced pool for an hour and then left. So, yeah, it was another productive day.
Malibu, California
Overheard by: Why did I come in at 9am
2PM A Motor City Marriage Proposal
Belle to coworker, about calling building management: There's a big brown wet spot at my desk, and Mikey put his finger in it.
Detroit, Michigan
1PM Oh, Leave Hillary Alone
Executive director: Yeah, I liked that candidate.
Director: Yeah, me too.
Executive director: But she seems to me like she could be a potential serial killer, you know? It was just something about her eyes.
Madison Ave
New York City, New York
12PM Isn't There Some Kind Of Back-Door Solution?
Tech #1 to admin, while fixing cabling issue: You want me to pull it out now?
Tech #2, walking by: Uhhh...
Monroe, North Carolina
Overheard by: Wary Technician
11AM Keeps Plums From Becoming Prunes
Manager to assistant: I cream myself twice a day, especially when I go to bed. If you don't do it at my age, you'll get all shriveled up.
Assistant: Yeah.
Delray Beach, Florida
10AM When a Du-rag Is Part Of the Required Uniform, You Do Have to Wonder
Guy #1: Tamiqua says there aren't any gang members working here.
Guy #2: Well, that's clearly not true.
Dallas, Texas
9AM He's Always Down in the Vault With the Safe Deposit Boxes
Telephone receptionist, over intercom system: I need Dick on line three, Dick on line three!
Bank
Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
5PM Because Ring Toss Games Are Fine Family Fun?
Male coworker #1: Sorry, dude, I was trying to throw something at your D, and I missed.
Male coworker #2 (angrily): Why are you always trying to throw things at my dick?
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Thank God I don't have a D...
4PM And It's All Recorded for Quality Control Purposes
CSA coming off phone call: I just customer serviced the arse off that last customer!
Adelaide
Australia
Overheard by: curious supervisor
3PM When We Ran Out Of Dry-Erase Board Erasers
Cube dweller: I used the butt technique.
Atchison, Kansas
2PM The Sticky Issue Every Office Must Deal With
Aggravated boss: If I need something, I shouldn't have to go in your drawers to find it!
Nashville, Tennessee
1PM How to Turn Down a Date in One Easy Step
Guy to friends: I'm sorry, I have to write a story about crabs. I have to run.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: that's awkward
12PM I Knew This Office Wasn't Ready for Georgia O'Keefe
Assistant DA: Where's our vagina poster?
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
11AM No, Wait, State-- I Mean State
Engineer #1: Guess who is going to be at the club I'm going to in Vegas?
Engineer #2: Snoop Dogg?
Engineer #1: No, Asia.
Engineer #2: Uh, isn't that a country?
Engineer #1: (blank stare)
FedEx Drive
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Jamil
10AM It's a Crappy Job but Someone's Gotta Do It (C'mon, We Had to Go There)
Office manager to female employee: I have been told that when you are in the office, the women's bathroom goes though massive amounts of toilet paper.
Female employee: I don't have to talk to you about that, that's bowel harassment!
Louisville, Kentucky
9AM Also the Argument for Crystal Meth
Reporter: I wasn't drinking because I was depressed; I was partying so I could feel young.
Mesa, Arizona
5PM Hey, There's Nothing in There but My Lunch. And Some Lip Gloss
VP: Opps, sorry. I didn't mean to bump into you with my man-bag.
Office drone: It's called an attache, you jerk! Gross!
Commerce, Michigan
Overheard by: Laughing my man bag off
4PM And Vaguely Aroused
Female office drone, petting some pussy willows in a fellow drones' office: I love petting your...um, plant.
Fellow female office drone, who owns the plant: I'm glad you didn't call the plant by name, but I still feel awkward.
Mississauga
Canadia
3PM The Saliva Monologues
Female cube dweller: I'm saving your spit.
Male cube dweller: My spit is great!
Winnipeg
Canadia
Overheard by: the Student
2PM Massachusetts, Nigeria
Boss to conference call participant: Is that study from the US?
Conference call participant: No, it's from Massachusetts.
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Window with no office
1PM Variety: Lewd Nude Dude Chewed!
Guy on cell: Dude! Another dude got chewed!
Fresno City Hall
Fresno, California
Overheard by: Dudette
12PM Forewarned Is Forearmed
Minion: Right, let's go talk about foreskins!
Durham, North Carolina
Overheard by: So tired of foreskins
11AM Ad: The Solution to Conflict!
Peon #1: Yeah, that guy is a real jerk.
Peon #2: What you need is some jerk repellent. Some jerk-be-gone, or some jerk-off. Oh, wait...no.
San Francisco, California
10AM So Long, Mossy, No-Music Teeth!
Teenage worker: Did you listen to that Tooth Tunes toothbrush I got you?
20-something blond worker: Yeah, I was brushing my teeth naked and dancing to it this morning.
Tallahassee, Florida
9AM Or, Even Better-- Play Boggle?
Rep #1: I hope we won't be bored today.
Rep #2: Don't worry, I brought things to entertain us.
Rep #1: Does that mean you are finally going to sleep with me today?
Sarasota, Florida
Overheard by: Scared of entertainment
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