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5PM Another Victim Of Texas Sex Ed
Office girl: Becky, do you have a tampon I could have? Sorry, but I'm dying here.
Pregnant office girl (staring at her): I'm pregnant.
Office girl: So?
Dallas, Texas
4PM I Better Get Cracking, Then
Boss: We need you two to go through these patents on review, every line of them, very carefully. You're going to have to be real anal.
Blond coworker: Oh, I'm real good at anal.
Boss: Great, any questions?
Menlo Park, California
3PM She's Really Been Taking It from All Sides-- What?
Boss describing an assistant who scheduled all the engineers in team: Kim has worked horizontally through the team.
Uxbridge
England
Overheard by: I'll get fired for this
2PM He Also Gets Distracted by Shiny Objects
HR to CEO: No retort needed, Timmy, the proof is in the pudding.
CEO: Mmmmm...pudding!
Lafayette, Indianapolis
Overheard by: Ag dEsigner
1PM Hah-- The Laws Of Space-Time Are Putty in My Hands!
CEO: So, how long will it take you to set that up?
System admin: Um...two minutes?
CEO: Five. You've got five. See, I doubled-and-a-halved it for you!
System admin, developer, designer: What?
State & Water
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: only girl in an office of men...
12PM Can't You at Least Get Your Guide Dog to Do It for You?
Male disability attorney, venting to paralegal: I just kept thinking. Seriously, how can you not get your paperwork done? You're disabled, what else do you have to do?
Twin Cities, Minnesota
Overheard by: Hillary E Us
11AM That's Why You're the Best Manager Ever
Newspaper worker: Well, we're just the minions of this company, anyway.
Newspaper manager: What's a minion?
Ft lauderdale, Florida
10AM Just Relax and Let It Happen
Manager to another: You know, sometimes you are going to just walk out to your car and it will be covered entirely in vaseline.
Dayton, Ohio
9AM If I Say No, Will You Promise Not to Call Back?
Caller: I'm calling to talk to the woman I talked to last week. I can't remember her name.
(pause) I don't know...did I call the right place?
Richmond, Virginia
5PM Unless "Invisible Men Anonymous" Is Using It Again
Worker bee: Is the meeting in room 1 finished?
Peon: I don't know, is anyone in there?
Worker bee: No, it's empty.
Peon: Then the meeting's probably finished.
Bristol
England
Overheard by: Stephanie
4PM Companies Who Hire Motivational Speakers Have Lost Their Way
Meeting speaker: Either get on the train or get off the boat.
Washington, DC
3PM They're the Catholic Priests of the Animal Kingdom
Coworker #1: There were two worms fornicating in my yard last night.
Coworker #2: Um, worms are asexual.
Coworker #3: Just because they're asexual doesn't mean they can't have fun!
Jenkintown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: I Love My Job
2PM They're Right Over There in the Spiked Collars-- Let's Give 'Em a Hand!
Boss: Our donor, Mr smith, has been very generous with his wife. (muffled giggles from rest of room) Err...Mr smith and his wife have both been very generous. (room collapses into laughter)
Oxford
England
Overheard by: Mazzarina
1PM That's Even Creepier Than a Meehive
Coworker #1: Do you see Matt's hair? He looked like Mrs. Bates from Psycho. He had his hair up in a bun.
Coworker #2: A mun?
Library
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
12PM Well, It Would Have to Be, Wouldn't It?
Coworker #1: So I had this really good wine the other night. It was called "Shark."
Coworker #2: Hmmmm...I'll have to try that.
Coworker #1: Yes, it's spelled "T-S-C-H."
Foggy Bottom
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Cubicle Rockin
11AM Like the Federal Budget
Worker bee: What is the regional center?
Facilities worker: They deal more with like, handicapped people, and you know...retarded stuff.
Santa Ana, California
Overheard by: Joe Garca
10AM My Notoriety's Already Gotten Chlamydia Four Times
Gossip queen: So, Nate, saw you and Erin left during lunch together. What's goin' on there?
Nate: Nothin'.
Gossip queen: Oh, I get it. Wink. (walks away)
Nate to John: When did eating lunch with someone correlate to having penetrated them? I swear to god, my reputation gets laid about 300% more than I do.
John: Wink.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: me
9AM One Of the Many Drawbacks Of Working for Annie Oakley
Coworker #1: Well, show her the law.
Coworker #2: If I show her the law, she will take her gun out and shoot me!
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Scared to go with her
5PM At Least Our Society's Learned from That Richard Gere Story.
Office monkey #1: I am so mad at John. I just scheduled three meetings for him on Thursday morning. Don't ask me how I pulled that rabbit out of my ass!
Office monkey #2: Wow...where'd you get the expression "pulling a rabbit out of your ass?"
Office monkey #1: Because pulling a rabbit out of a hat is easy!
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Wondering how to pull a rabbit out...
4PM Why the Office Scavenger Hunt Was Discontinued
Boss to group of serious underlings: $10 for each business card or carnal knowledge of our target group.
Masters Tournament
Augusta, Georgia
Overheard by: glad i've got business cards
3PM And If Science Ever Conquers Death, the Pope's Out of a Job
Writer: You know what I think? I think Jerry Lewis wakes up every morning just scared out of his mind that they'll actually find a cure for muscular dystrophy.
Scottsdale, Arizona
2PM And By "More Pull" I Mean Exactly What You Think I Mean
Boss to intern: The gym is a great place for networking. You tend to have a bit more pull with your colleagues when you see them naked in the locker room every morning.
Bellingham, Washington
1PM From the All-Fruit Version Of Dickens' A Christmas Carol
Office peon, taking plums out of a bag: Oh, my god! Little apples! They're *so* cute!
Silver Spring, Maryland
12PM The One with the Nipple Ring
Coworker #1: Who is George W. Bush? Which one is he?
Coworker #2: You have got to be kidding me.
Government Agency
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: laughing hysterically
11AM Sorry You Dented That Rock, Though.
Male grad student to female TA: Oh, hey! Congratulations on not fracturing your skull!
Geology Department
University of Iowa
Overheard by: Another Grad
10AM Translation: Is It Worth the Effort of Coming Over to Look?
Office lady #1: I got porn in my e-mail again! I just opened it up and...whoa! Big surprise!
Office lady #2: How big a surprise?
Markham
Ontario
Canadia
9AM Sweet Adeline Is Also Out Of Order
Receptionist: There's an engineer here to look at the phone lines.
Office girl: The phones are fine. Is it the line for the net?
Receptionist: She's not in.
Office girl: Er...who?
Receptionist: Annette.
Midlands
England
Overheard by: Al
5PM Business Etiquette Is Different in New York
Female receptionist to male receptionist: Since you're going to lunch in 20 minutes, can you fill up my water bottle?
Male receptionist: Can you blow me?
Avenue of the Americas
New York City, New York
Overheard by: gb
4PM And It'll Make Our Presentation More Festive
Male IT worker: Body glitter is not that hard to wash off.
Richmond, Virginia
3PM Yeah, He Set Off My Sprinklers
Accounting woman: I am leaking.
Accounting manager: I heard you just went to the doctor.
Northbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: fishbones
2PM I'm Gonna Write Down a URL for You
CSR, looking at small child: I want a baby, but I want it to stay small like that.
Serious manager: Well, you should have sex with a dwarf.
Washington, DC
1PM Oh-Nay Singular Sensation, Every Little Step She Takes
Annoying girl on phone: Great, so your user name is, "the power of oh-nay." Oh. One. That's probably what that is.
Poydras Center
New Orleans, Louisiana
Overheard by: Rosemary
12PM ...Known by the Rest Of My Siblings As "Grandma"...
Political organizer: That crackhead bitch! Well, I don't like to call anyone a crackhead. (starts again) That one lady who smokes crack...
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: I don't like labels, either
11AM What Do You Suppose "Lovin' Is What I Got" Means?
ISYS guy, listening to music: Sublime is awesome. "I smoke two joints in the morning. I smoke two joints at night". Where do they come up with this stuff?
Accountant: They probably smoked two joints.
ISYS guy: I know! Lyrical genius!
Provo, Utah
10AM Fabio's Kids Have Unique Issues
Tech guy #1: My dad had real long hair. It was down to his butt.
Tech guy #2: Why did you dad have long hair?
Tech guy #1: My dad was famous. Famous guys have long hair.
Tech guy #2: What was your dad famous for?
Tech guy #1: I don't know.
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
9AM I Told You Duct Tape Will Fix Anything
Worker #1: Did you hear about the industrial accident the other day?
Worker #2: No, what happened?
Worker #1: A cable broke and took out his whole left side!
Worker #2: Oh no!
Worker #1: It's okay, he's all right now.
Marysville, Washington
Overheard by: Noah
5PM Didn't You See the Sudoku I Put on the Stall Wall for You?
Woman #1: I've been drinking tons of water.
Woman #2: Oh, yeah?
Woman #1: Yeah, I've been peeing like crazy.
Woman #2: Oh, yeah?
Woman #1: Yeah, like every five minutes. I hate peeing. It is so boring.
New York City, New York
4PM On the Other Hand, She Is a Bandit
Director: I feel so bad for Sarah!
Intern: Who?
Director: Sarah, from [xyz] Corp! She got fired!
Intern: Oh, that's terrible.
Director: I feel so bad! And she only has one arm!
New York City, New York
3PM Puppetry Of the Penis Auditions Were a Gruelling Affair
Boss to underling: Let me pull my package back out so it is in front of me.
Black Diamond, Washington
2PM Barry White Is to Them What a Cross Is to a Vampire
Coworker #1: Your outgoing message sounds like a whispering Barry White.
Coworker #2: Well, you know...there are a lot of fruities out there and I got to keep them away.
Dallas, Texas
1PM Looks Like Al Gore's Lost His Keys Again
Salesman: That guy from the internet is gonna call soon. I think he's in the internet right now or he'd call now.
Indianapolis, Indiana
12PM With Its Miles of White-Sand Beaches
Woman: Where is your next conference?
Hairdresser: Boston.
Woman: Oh, I love Boston.
Hairdresser: Yeah, I've never been to the East Coast before. (pauses) Well, no, I guess I have been to Kentucky.
Hays, Kansas
11AM Like an In-Shower Violin Serenade
Boss: Why would I pay to watch you take a shower?
Underling: Lots of people pay for it.
Boss: How much would you charge me?
Underling: I don't know, I'm Asian, so I can offer other amenities.
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM Why "Hawaiian Shirt Fridays" Lasted Only a Week
Engineer, walking through cube farm: Wooo! Wooooooooooooooooooo! Surf's up!
Redondo Beach, California
Overheard by: Trappedinthebasement
9AM Or Smuggling a Turkey Out Of the A&P
Man to lady holding her stomach: Why are you walking like that?
Woman: This is how you're supposed to walk when you're pregnant.
Omaha, Nebraska
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