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5PM It Helps to Draw Naked Ladies in the Margins
Biotech girl #1: I really need to make my paper more sexy, so any comments you have will help.
Biotech girl #2: But I'm not a sexy person, I don't know how much help I'll be.
Biotech girl #1: Oh no, you're a very sexy person! You've written for tons of sexy journals.
Carl Icahn Laboratory
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: FileTransferer
4PM No One Has Ever Done That
Crazy coworker, on saving money: You can live without toilet paper, because you could just use Kleenex instead, but you can't live without steak!
Collegeville, Pennsylvania
3PM We're a Government Office
Office manager to bookkeeper: If things made sense around here, it wouldn't make sense!
San Carlos, California
2PM And Could You Describe to Me What She's Wearing?
20-something male cube dweller on phone: Hi, this is...hello? (pause) Oh, wow. No, sorry, I just heard your tone of voice and thought I should have been paying 4.99 for the call. (laughing) Is your mom home, or is she on her way here?
CRPC
Leeds
England
Overheard by: cubenerdery
1PM They Drink the Iced Tea to Forget
Sales guy: I'm not saying that people from Long Island have no soul, but all the empirical evidence seems to point in that direction.
Albany, New York
Overheard by: Mac
12PM Even After I Gave You That Backrub?
Smarmy boss to teenage peon: How are you doing, Veronica*?
Teenage peon: I hate you passionately!
Plymouth, Michigan
11AM From My Big Book of Rainy Day Activities
Middle-aged project manager: Remember markers?!
Middle-aged web guy: I loved sniffing markers!
Middle-aged project manager: Airplane glue! We had to take my neighbor to the hospital because she got the lid stuck inside her nose from sniffing too hard.
Middle-aged web guy: Haha! I bet that was hard to explain to her parents!
Middle-aged project manager, dreamily: I just sniff paint...
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Unsurprised Temp
10AM Gotta Love the Chain of Command
Customer (on speaker): But it's too expensive, it isn't fair! I can't afford it. Can't I just pay you half?
Insurance rep: No, the premium for your vehicle is $435.60. You have to pay the full amount.
Customer: Can you find a way so I can just pay $200? That's all I can afford!
Insurance rep: No. You can't just pay any amount you want. You need to pay what you owe.
(this goes on for 10 minutes)
Insurance rep: Well, fine, if you can't afford to pay the insurance for your car maybe you should sell it and take the damn bus.
Customer: What? What did you just say to me?
Insurance rep: I'll transfer you to my manager.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
9AM What About Columbia University?
Receptionist #1: Are District of Columbia and British Columbia the same thing?
Receptionist #2: I dunno!
Salem, Oregon
Overheard by: GOAT
5PM What If We Bribe You with Cake?
Lawyer: You know they are bringing in immigrants and everything.
Conference caller: I don't know if I want to testify against a Sudanese refugee! Do we have to?
Lawyer: Something tells me we are not going to win this.
Phoenix, Arizona
4PM If Only Israelis and Palestinians Could Share One Big Bathroom
Man standing at urinal: (farts while peeing)
Other man at urinal: At least we have something in common!
Training Center
Bridgeport, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Not My Kind of Bonding Experience
3PM You Know the Office Is Full of Closet Heteros
Designer: Hey, nice shirt!
Principal #1: Yeah, this is my gay shirt.
Principal #2: Oh my god, you can't say that! What are you doing?!
Principal #1: What? Multiple people have told me I look gay in this shirt.
Principal #2: But you can't say that kind of thing!
Principal #1: Oh, I have nothing against gay people; it's just a fact.
Principal #2: Okay, just stop talking.
Architecture Firm
Los Angeles, California
2PM Which You've Already Done by Wearing Such a Loud Tie.
Temp: It's so silent in here.
Boss: Don't ruin the magic.
East Circle Drive
East Lansing, Michigan
1PM Contributing to Domestic Abuse Is a Hoot and a Half
Drunk on phone: Hello, is this Frogs?
Intern: No, this is not a bar, it is a place of business.
Drunk on phone: Look...is my honey Lois there?
Intern: No, please don't call anymore. (hangs up)
(phone rings again)
Drunk on the phone: Look...I'm looking for my honey Lois. Is she there?
Intern: No, this is a place of business. Please stop calling.
(hangs up phone, then it rings again)
Drunk on the phone: Have you seen my honey, Lois?
Supervisor: Yeah, I've seen her. She's sitting here at the bar and she's making out with a bunch of guys.
Drunk on the phone: Bitch! Tell her I'm going to kill her.
Supervisor: I would love to, but I think she's having sex right now on the bar. I'll wait until she's done.
Drunk on the phone: I can't believe she is doing this to me. (starts to cry and hangs up phone)
Supervisor to intern: Every once in a while you gotta have a little fun.
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Annmarie
12PM At Least That Explains the Saddle
Female employee #1: Where does it say in my job description that I'm the aquarium maintenance person, the chocolate jockey, the expert on suicide?
Female employee #2: Yeah, but you asked for that one!
Female employee #1: Which one? The chocolate jockey?
Female employee #2: Yeah.
Female employee #3: Yee-haw! I'm riding my chocolate pony!
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
11AM Let's Just Say the Body Shots Got a Little Out of Hand
Female coworker: Hey there, sweetie. Did you have fun yesterday?
Male coworker: Huh?
Female coworker: You had the day off, didn't you?
Male coworker: I was at a funeral. My grandmother died.
Westlake
Seattle, Washington
10AM Isn't Learning Together Fun?
Analyst: I don't know if that STD was news to you, but..
Developer: Uh, it is now.
Commerce Park
Reston, Virginia
Overheard by: Not in that division
9AM I'll Leave That to the Political Appointees
Lady suit: My goal is not to be an idiot.
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
5PM That's What You Said About Peter Pan
Guy #1: They're making Open Water 2.
Guy #2: That was the worst movie ever, they just float the whole movie. The high point was halfway through when something brushes up against someone's leg. The chick doesn't even get naked in it. They were just floating...just floating the whole movie.
Des Moines, Iowa
4PM Not Having to Listen to Cher Is Worth Paying Out-of-Pocket.
Male employee, angry about benefits: So my live-in girlfriend is not a domestic partner but Steve's* boyfriend is?
HR generalist: Yes, that's right. Domestic partners are same sex partners, that is the policy.
Male employee: So if my girlfriend became my boyfriend I could put her on my insurance?
HR generalist: Yes, if she grows a penis and discovers a deep abiding love for Cher, she can be on your insurance.
Male employee: Really?
HR generalist: (sighs)
Skokie, Illinois
3PM Who Knew Mrs. Claus Was a Top?
Working bee, quietly: Santa Claus, you cunt!
King Street
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: highly amused
2PM I'm Still Peeing Out My Belly Button
Coworker #1, holding small letter opener: Do you have one of these, only smaller?
Coworker #2: What's wrong with that one?
Coworker #1: It's too thick. I can't fit in in the smaller slits and it tears the whole thing apart most of the time.
Coworker #3: I had a boyfriend like that once.
Coworker #2: What the fuck?
Santa Ana, California
Overheard by: errica
1PM If You're Serious About One-upmanship, You Need to Do Your Homework
Cube dweller #1: My cousin was in the hospital last week.
Cube dweller #2: Yeah? My brother was in the hospital last week. He had an operation to remove...ummm, something.
Cube dweller #1: What, his tonsils?
Cube dweller #2: No, it started with "p."
Cube dweller #1: Oh, gawd, not his prostate?
Cube dweller #2: No... Oh, yeah. It was his pendix.
Tampa, Florida
12PM If She Hadn't Already Rejected Me
Cube dweller: I hear you got a new person in your department. That should help with the load.
IT geek: Yeah. Too bad she's fat and ugly.
Cube dweller: But you'd fuck her anyway if you got the chance. Right?
IT geek (sighing): Yeah, I probably would.
Woodland Hills, California
Overheard by: Gunboat
11AM That Taffy Pull Really Seems to Be Doing the Trick!
Engineer #1: I'm hung right now!
Engineer #2: What? Why are you hung?
Engineer #1: I don't know...
Mountain View, California
Overheard by: hung as in hung up ...
10AM Poor Tori Spelling
Crotchety old engineer: That's the best-looking hermaphrodite I ever saw!
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Conservative Italian Stallion
9AM And Lend a Hand
Female secretary: Anybody need a really big box? Cause I got one! (pauses, then everybody in the room starts giggling) Oh, grow up!
6th Ave
New York, New York
Overheard by: Joshy Sweetpants
5PM Was It the Diaper of an Adopted Asian Orphan?
Middle-aged female boss: So I huffed a giant diaper this morning. Am I hip?
Lexington, Massachusetts
4PM There Are Used Vibrators on EBay (Don't Ask How We Know)
Guy: Me and the wife are going out this weekend. You think you could hook me up with...uhh, some happy fun time shit?
Girl: Are you serious? I don't think I have anything you'd like. How do you know what your wife wants?
Guy: What the fuck? She wants weed, end of story!
Girl: Oh, shit! I thought you were talking about sex toys!
Guy: Why the fuck would I ask to borrow someone else's sex toys?
Girl: I...uh...
Guy (smirking): So you have sex toys, huh? What kind?
Girl: Shut up!
Centennial, Colorado
Overheard by: Trouble
3PM ...That'll Be Four Hundred Dollars
IT support guy: If it's not working, there must be a problem with it.
Copenhagen
Denmark
Overheard by: Marie
2PM At the Very Least, I Was Huffing Cough Syrup
Guy #1: If you lost my knife, so help me god you owe me $14.99. Plus shipping and handling.
Guy #2: Okay, so...we'll just deduct that from the eighty bucks you already owe me?
Guy #1: Statute of limitations. That bet was, like, five months ago.
Guy #2: Yeah, and we agreed that you'd owe me interest if you didn't pay me...
Guy #1 (incredulous): Interest? Was I *drunk*?
Guy #2: Well, it was at 8 am on a Tuesday. So you never know.
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Dave Eugene
1PM Well, Two Sets Of Eyes Are Better Than One...
Geek #1: So, I just don't know why it's running so slowly.
Geek #2: Did you take a tcp dump?
Geek #1: Oh, that's a good idea. I'll go take a dump and look at it!
Geek #2: Let me know how that works out for you.
Westminster, Colorado
12PM Tonight's Lifetime Movie: Ludmilla Does Vanilla
Coworker #1: I like the smell of gasoline.
Coworker #2: Oh, me too!
Coworker #3: That's because you used to do drugs.
Coworker #4: Who are you people?
Coworker #3: I like the smell of jet fuel.
Coworker #5: I like the smell of burnt rubber.
Coworker #3: That's because you used to be into dungeons.
Coworker #5 (wistfully): Oh, not anymore though...I'm married now.
Broadway & Canal
New York City
Overheard by: office peon loves her job
11AM ...With Red and Green Ribbon
Coworker: Hey, I have a question.
Female coworker: Hold on a sec, I'm trimming my balls.
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: Sarah
10AM Dred Scott!
Aggravated nurse, complaining about slave monitor malfunction: Can someone come help me with this goddamn thing again?
Helpful, tech-savvy male nurse: What's the matter?
Aggravated nurse: My slave is black!
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Speechless, blinking....
9AM Some Days Oklahoma Is Not OK
Pretty girl: Sorry, I got distracted by my trash can!
Tulsa, Oklahoma
5PM Okay, the Pelvic Thrusts Are Just Unnecessary.
Male coworker singing in creepy falsetto: I work hard for my money, uh huh, uh huh, so hard for my money!
Valencia, California
Overheard by: disturbed yet laughing
4PM Used How?
Hot executive assistant: It was the dirtiest cab I'd ever been in my life. The front seat was covered with Penthouses and used tissues.
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Free Time on His Hand
3PM Some Place Where the People Are Ignorant, Anyway
Girl standing in smoking section: So he found this video of this dumb blonde girl. I can't believe it, she was from Norwegian or something like that.
Evans, Colorado
Overheard by: Princess
2PM And Could You Zip Your Fly Before You Answer That?
Coworker #1 (after a low-rumblin', hearty burp): What? "unprofessionalism" is not a word?
Coworker #2: Did you just ask that after burping?
New York City, New York
1PM I Like It-- and I Like Men Who Like It
Coworker #1: The side of my lips are dry!
Coworker #2: I put ChapStick when that happens to me!
Coworker #1: I'm doing it!
Coworker #2: Oh, man...I got ChapStick on my mustache!
Coworker #1: Girl, you are not suppose to say that!
36th & 8th
New York City, New York
Overheard by: LIL Papi Chulo K.L.
12PM Remarkably Unhelpful-- I Salute You!
Employee: What happens when things are damaged in transit?
VP of operations: Then it probably won't work when you get it.
Austin, Texas
11AM Niche Marketing's a Dirty Business, People
VP: That will impact our back-end penetration rates.
Tigard, Oregon
10AM Since the Ones in the Copy Machine Trays Are Almost Toddlers Now
Boss, discovering an unused file cabinet: We can get babies and let them nap in here!
Los Angeles, California
9AM And I Was Like, "Mission Accomplished!"
Female coworker #1: By that time I was drunk enough to run in there myself. So I bought one of 'em. It was like a regular condom, but it had these little pink things...
Female coworker #2: You bought a french tickler?
Female coworker #1: Yeah! So we blew it up at our table and started using it as a volleyball. It was really fun for a while, and then I spiked it into the priest's head and we were asked to leave the reception.
Albany, New York
Overheard by: Doubled over Coworker
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