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5PM We've Told Her "Hello" Is More Appropriate, to No Avail
Boss: So, this is the problem: the minute you see Stephanie, she just screams "fake boobs."
New York City, New York
4PM Right Up There with the "Do You Need to Refrigerate Ketchup?" Debacle Of 1997
Visiting client, waiting for elevator: You're right. Putting shampoo and conditioner in the same bottle *is* more economical.
(jittery laughter)
Manager: It just makes sense, you know? Why have two when you can have just one?
Coworker, after client and manager get in elevator: That was the worst example of small talk I have ever heard.
Chicago, Illinois
3PM I'm Appalled That You'd Hyphenate "Crack Whores"
Designer to owner: He wants me to design a sign for him that reads, "Caesar Inn, Crack-whores welcome by the hour."
Owner: What? (walks away)
Miami, Florida
2PM His Wife's Rap Name
Female coworker: So...I heard you got married over the weekend.
Male coworker: Yes, I did.
Female coworker (eyeing his ring): Oooh, I love white gold! Very nice. Did you have them engraved?
Male coworker: Yes, in fact we both got identical inscriptions.
Female coworker (gushing): Oh, that's so romantic...what do they say?
Male coworker: "14k."
Irving, Texas
Overheard by: The Bonesaw
1PM No One Respects Breasts More Than a Man Who's Never Touched One
(crunching water bottle noise)
Girl admin, in sassy tone: Hey! Those are the breast cancer water bottles--show some respect!
IT guy: Yeah--that's why I'm...
Girl admin: Squishing it?!
IT guy: You said it! Not me!
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: That's what she said
12PM Men Are So Cute
Department manager to two employees in their 9th month of pregnancies: I simply cannot allow you two to take maternity leave at the same time.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Lynn
11AM The What Game?
Employee: So, how was your night?
Boss: I played catcher last night, so now my butt's killing me!
Employee: Um, you're talking about the softball game, right?
Denver, Colorado
10AM Or I'm About to Get Really Testy
Executive officer: I need a teabag, a teabag...my kingdom for a teabag.
San Diego, California
9AM So How Great Is It to Be Back, Huh?
Employee, returning after a month away: Hey, you've lost weight!
Manager: Thanks! I've been...
Employee: No, wait, you just got your hair cut. Nevermind.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indianapolis
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM Haresh Will Be Doubly Confused When an Earthquake Hits DC
Middle management guy: What's shaking?
Indian tech guy: What is shaking? You want me to stop something from shaking?
Middle management guy: No, I...
Indian tech guy: Are you having a technology crisis? Is your desktop vibrating?
Middle management guy: No! How's it going? How are you, is what I'm asking.
Indian tech guy: Oh, I see. I am fine. Is your desktop alright, though?
Middle management guy: Yes, yes. Everything is working. (sighs)
Washington, DC
4PM The Voices Tell Me to Spike Your Coffee with Drano
Worker #1 (singing): Invoices are making me want to kill myself!
Worker #2: The voices make you want to kill yourself?
Worker #1: No! *In*voices!
Worker #2: Phew!
Century City, California
3PM At Least There's No Chance She'll Reproduce
Female high school student walking into guidance counselor's office with a group of friends: Oh, right! You're who we come to talk to about sex.
Guidance counselor: Ahh, yes...
Female student: Well, I don't need to talk to you because I don't do that.
Guidance counselor: Do what?
Female student: You know...sex. I don't do it 'cause I'm syllabus.
Guidance counselor: Ummmm, right.
Roxbury, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Miss
2PM But My Friends Call Me S.O.B.
Old bald lawyer to younger lawyer: I'm waiting for John Smith*, this son of a bitch who...
Third lawyer, strolling up, extending hand: Hi! Pleased to meet you! I'm that son of a bitch!
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
1PM That'll Be Friday's Special Treat
Cubicle dweller #1: Blood, blood, blood--I'm sick of reading about this stuff!
Cubicle dweller #2 (hyped up on coffee): Well, at least it's not fecal matter!
Nashville, Tennessee
12PM Whatever You Say, Santa
Tech: I don't need a list. I am very rememberful.
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
11AM Like That Pipe Explosion Scene in Goonies
Scared CSR: Someone just blew up the bathroom!
Marshall Street
Richmond, Virginia
10AM Where I Was Educated
Woman: Hi, where can I find books on specific countries?
Librarian: Well, which country are you looking for?
Woman: Kansas.
Newton Free Library
Newton, Massachusetts
9AM ...While Restarting Their Computers
Tech support girl: So, what should I tell them? They say their internet is slow.
Tech support supervisor: Tell them to suck my big brown dick.
Ontario
Canadia
5PM "Acceptance Of Diversity" Day Takes an Interesting Turn
Server admin: Yay! Malaria!
State & Water
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: only girl in an office of men...
4PM Despite His Love of Waffles
Angry boss: Aristotle is not Belgian!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
3PM I Was Thinking "Genius," But Close Enough
Woman at office party: She's got that psychological syndrome where she uses sex to get what she wants from men... What do they call that again?
Man: A whore.
Dario's Restaurant
Rockville Centre, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
2PM I Promised I'd Take It for a Walk This Afternoon
Girl yelling in conference room: I have an eager beaver.
Silver Spring, Maryland
Overheard by: cube master
1PM The Most Menacing of All the 50
Satisfied admin: Yeah, we've got the state of Connecticut's address.
Norwel, Massachusetts
Overheard by: That's right Connecticut, we know where you live.
12PM They're a Godless People
Boss #1: Joe said we'll meet about it on Monday.
Assistant: Christmas eve?
Boss #1: Well... Yeah, I guess.
(shocked silence)
Boss #2: Joe's Canadian.
Stillwater, Oklahmoa
11AM While I Cherish My Suburbatude
Tech: I feel sorry for people that live on farms. They just have to deal with too much ruralicity.
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
10AM Well Don't Shit Me
Crazy lady: Help! My food has shit all over it! Help!
Young waitress: Wait, what?
Crazy lady: Don't "what" me.
Young waitress: No, really, what's wrong with it? Is it the wrong dish?
Crazy lady: You didn't tell me it had shit in it.
Young waitress: To what are you referring, precisely?
Crazy lady: The shit the shit the shit! (waves hands madly over dish, gesturing at her pasta, covered in a sauce)
Young waitress: Wait, do you mean the sauce?
Crazy lady: Don't "sauce" me!
Northville, Michigan
9AM Like a Stalk of Celery
Salesperson calling tech support: Let me hang up so I can call back and talk to someone dumber.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
5PM She Looked Like an Impressionist Painting, Up Close
VP #1, during meeting: Yeah, she had the shingles.
VP #2: Okay, moving on...
VP #1: All over her back!
Glen Allen, Virginia
Overheard by: Shingle(less) White Female
4PM Or We Can Try the Musical Chairs Method Again
Boss man, picking up bill at lunch: Well, I can either pay for this lunch or we can all draw straws to see who gets laid off.
Amherst, Ohio
Overheard by: I hate this place
3PM Those People Who Parachuted Must Be Kicking Themselves
Captain of flight: Good news, folks! We found the airport!
Flight over Newark, New Jersey
2PM Isn't This Exactly Why Your Secret Santa Got You Suspenders?
Manager to customer: Well, sir, you've caught me with my pants down!
Two peons passing by (simultaneously): Ewww!
Plymouth, Michigan
1PM So I Mounted Its Hard Drive
Female peon to IT peon: I just found a naked computer.
New York City, New York
12PM Except He Keeps Bringing Home Mice to Help Him Make Clothes
Male coworker: So he wants to be Cinderella?
Female coworker: Yes.
Male coworker: Like *Cinderella* Cinderella?
Female coworker: Yes. I figure, if he wants to be like his uncle, there's nothing wrong with that.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Temp-tation
11AM Took Us a While, Too
New airport paging/information clerk: Paging passenger Emerson Bigguns, passenger Emerson Bigguns. Please call airport information from the nearest white courtesy phone.
(pregnant pause) Fuck!
Airport
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: YGBSM
10AM ...Now That the Legislature's Passed a Law Making You Wear a Dunce Cap?
New girl, during one of her constant personal calls: Don't you find it insulting to be a Democrat?
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Karen
9AM The Day the Men in Biohazard Suits Visited Our Office
Paralegal: What color is mozzarella?
Office manager: White, why?
Paralegal: Ummm...I'm going to need an extra bag, I am cleaning the fridge and that bag of mozzarella is like dark brown and green, and I don't mean spots...
Office manager: Uh-uh, here. (hands over bag) I hope it doesn't start moving.
(paralegal laughs and heads toward kitchen)
Paralegal (one minute later): Hey, what color is kiwi suppose to be?
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: joey
5PM You Have to Feel Sorry for the Dental-Dam Generation.
Cube rat to another: How does love taste?
Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: A. Pincus
4PM So It Was an Accident of Sorts
Male manager: You weren't in another accident, were you?
Female cube dweller: No. I pooped.
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Cube Dweller
3PM We Didn't Get Our New Calendars in Time
Woman on phone to client: Well, New Year's Day fell on the 1st this year, which messed a few things up.
Durham, North Carolina
Overheard by: Stunned
2PM ...Until I Heard a Miss America Contestant Explain It
Coworker: I didn't know there were two parts of Africa.
Bryan, Texas
1PM You're Just What This Reality Show Needs!
Young, pretty receptionist with Southern drawl to old salesman: You have the lowest motives with highest hopes that I have ever seen!
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
12PM We're Still on For Tonight's Lingerie Pillow-Fight, Right?
Male attorney to another: We're not going to circulate this externally, not yet. If we want to do that internally, that's fine--that can be just between us girls.
Bethesda, Maryland
11AM I Just Meant: "You're a Dirty Ho"
Young admin, talking about boyfriend who just moved: Yeah, but I'm really good with long distance relationships.
Manger: So you say, but haven't you cheated on all your exes so far?
Young admin: Um, yeah...technically.
Manger: So basically you just always find someone to fill the hole when they're gone. Shit! I mean void...I *so* didn't mean it like that!
Santa Maria, California
10AM Where Exactly Are You Ordering Lunch From?
Developer: Is "buttload" hyphenated?
New guy: No, I think it's just one word.
Corner of State & Water
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: only girl in an office of men...
9AM Bob in Accounting Is Still Limping from the Incident with the Halloween Cookies
Cubicle chick #1: They have free sandwiches today? I will be throwing elbows to be the first for that action.
Cubicle chick #2: You really are a delicate flower.
Eden Prairie, Minnesota
Overheard by: nic_bitch
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