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5PM But I Can't Get Enough Of That Powder-Fresh Scent
Male office peon: Why isn't my deodorant holding me? It's wearing off already.
Female office peon: What?
Male office peon: I guess I should stop using Degree for Women!
Tulsa, Oklahoma
4PM I Think We Still Have Some Cupcakes Left Over from Ergonomic Keyboard Month
Post-doc: Does anyone know when Household Hazardous Waste Disposal Day is?
Grad student: Wooooo! Household Hazardous Waste Disposal Day! Let's celebrate!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
3PM I'm Really Psyched About the Mona Lisa
Worker #1: Yeah, we're excited to see Scotland.
Worker #2: What's on your list to see in Scotland?
Worker #1: Well I really want to see Stonehenge!
Worker #2: Stonehenge is in England.
Worker #1: Wait...what did you ask?
Redmond, Washington
2PM Some Versions Of the Midas Story Are More Controversial Than Others
Loud educator to others: Why does everything I touch get hard?
Doylestown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: G-wiz
1PM She Ends Every Sentence with "...In Your Butt!"
Funny boss to admin: Sugar turns into fat and it just sits...in your butt!
Omaha, Nebraska
12PM What Is It with That Word?
Office peon: Will the office gift exchange be unisex?
Boss (seriously): That's inappropriate in the workplace.
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: beth the observer
11AM ...Can We Pretend This Conversation Never Happened?
Office peon: If I moved out to Phoenix I'd probably need a motorcycle. Taking advantage of the weather and...women and stuff.
Decatur, Illinois
Overheard by: Kelli
10AM K-Fed's Custody Testimony, in a Nutshell
Gossipy secretary: I don't mean to say she's a moron, but she's a moron.
New York City, New York
9AM It'll Blend Right in with Your Skin Tones, Mr. Tin Man
Clerk on phone: Hey, you got any duct tape? You can just cut off a little piece and put that on your wart.
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Db's Mom
5PM ...I Could Get Nailed for the First Time in a While
Secretary (singing to herself to the tune of "If I only had a brain"): If I only had a hammer...if I only had a hammer...
Morris Plains, New Jersey
4PM And the Polygraph Confirms It
Office manager: No, I'm not into zoophilia.
Civil Service Office
Belfast
Northern Ireland
Overheard by: Telboy
3PM Learned That One the Hard Way
Coworker #1: You should use the clap method.
Coworker #2: Me and the clap just don't mix.
Washington, DC
2PM Just Burns a Little When I Pee
Dispatcher #1: Do you like that Ford truck country singer guy?
Dispatcher #2: Who, Toby Keith? I can't stand that guy, he makes my testosterone boil!
Dispatcher #3: Does that hurt?
Salt Lake City, Utah
1PM Beauty's Still Awaiting the Kiss That Will Awaken Her Sleeping Mind
Bimbo named Jennifer answering office phone: Hello, this is Janet, how can you help me?
Ocala, Florida
Overheard by: LMAO
12PM Leaving the Office Is Grounds for Dismissal
Intern: What do we do if there's a fire? Meet somewhere outside...or...
Quasi-supervisor: Hide under your desk.
Cleveland, Ohio
11AM Sometimes I Find Myself Accidentally Throwing Rocks at Them
Coworker #1: Hey, Shaniqua can you hand me that coffee?
Coworker #2 (very angry): My name is not Shaniqua--that's racist. Just because I'm black doesn't mean I have a name like that.
Coworker #1 (defensively): That isn't racism--it's a joke. Calling someone by a name that isn't theirs isn't racist. You shouldn't be so quick to call someone a racist.
Coworker #3 (after some consideration): I thought about what you said earlier and you're right. Besides, everyone is racist to some degree. Even myself. I find that I'm racist against fat people even though I don't mean to be.
Duluth, Georgia
10AM Where Are They Now?: Pauly Shore
Mailman: Is this the 3rd floor?
Receptionist: No, this is the 2nd floor.
Mailman: But isn't the next floor like the ...4th floor?
Receptionist: No, that's the 3rd floor.
Mailman (confused): Yo, man, that's weird.
Richmond Street
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: front desk
9AM I Always Pronounce It 'Roget', Like the Thesaurus
Office drone #1: Hey, Thomas, how do you pronounce that customer's name?
Office drone #2: Which one?
Office drone #1: You know, the one I can't say right.
Office drone #2: "Roger"?
Office drone #1: ...yeah.
Halifax
Canadia
5PM A Vast Improvement on My Usual Pea Brain
Ditzy secretary to ditzy friend: I just ate, so I have total lunch-brain right now.
Gastown
Vancouver
Canadia
4PM There's a Reason Your Nametag Says "Awkward Guy"
Coworker: I made a conscious effort not to wear any perfume today in case it was causing you to sneeze, so if I stink, it's your fault.
Conversation disruptor: I love your stink.
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: Sneezy
3PM So That's a "No" on the Orgy?
President: Let me tell you what, this is about Hank. You know how when you have a bunch of buddies over to make clam chowder, but it never tastes as good as when you make it yourself? That's what I'm talking about Hank. You've got to have just one guy in control of the paprika.
Sonora Court
Sunnyvale, California
2PM Nobody's Cracked a Smile in Warren Since the Fifties
Female coworker #1: The store is called The Pink Taco. It's right across from the bait shop.
Female coworker #2: That's where I got Mr. Jiggles.
Warren, Pennsylvania
1PM Still Have That Peace Pipe in Your Desk?
IT guy: Dude, your computer is so messed up! I just don't know what's going on here!
Engineer: I probably should have told you this before, but my computer rests on top of an ancient Indian burial site, so you are probably going to need a priest.
Ladson, South Carolina
12PM Um, That Was Jennifer.
VP to assistant: Remember that one day, when we were doing it and we were on a conference call at the same time? That was a good day.
Fontana, California
11AM Why You Shouldn't Envy Your Colleagues With Kids
Frazzled coworker who brought her kids to work for lunch: If you touch your sister again I'm going to break all of your fingers off.
Son: Awwww, but I need all my fingers!
Palm Desert, California
10AM The Cat's Already Out of the Bag, So to Speak
Writer, standing in doorway: You've got a lot of cat stuff in here now.
Designer: I was thinking that. It's kind of creepy. Seems like I might be gay, or some kind of weirdo loner who talks to his cat all the time.
Writer: Well, at least it's not saying things about you people don't already know.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel Durand
9AM Perhaps You're Not Cut Out for a Career in the Donut Sciences
Store manager: You don't want to get this bitter and angry from having this obsession over counting your holes!
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: it's true, I don't
5PM So Drive Around That Girl Scout Troop
Photographer: Well, you don't want to get blood all over your car...
Newspaper
Delaware
4PM Tough Talk for a Guy With Barrettes in His Chest Hair
Front desk agent: Oh, I forgot. I am Jack Martin*. I am too masculine and my chest is too hairy to let your dainty, girl hands touch my project.
Austin, Texas
3PM Sally Struthers Should Be Out Raising Money for My Saggy Glutes
Blonde: Oh my god, I had the most terrible dream last night!
Distracted-looking friend: Oh, really? What happened?
Blonde: I dreamed that someone told me I could only have one of the plastic surgeries I wanted! I almost cried! (entire elevator stifles laughter) No, really, why are you laughing? It was horrible!
Rome
Italy
Overheard by: struggling to keep a straight face
2PM Is This Like When You Said "I Do Not Want a Surprise Party"?
Loudest woman in the office on phone: I do not want chow mein. Can you hear me now? I do not want chow mein.
Burbank, California
1PM Hook Her on Baby Animals in Hilarious Scenarios!
PR Male: Why are you sending the reporter these pictures?
PR Female: I'm just trying to hook her.
PR Male: What?
Wilmington, Delaware
12PM The You-Can-Live-to-Be-Sixty Diet
40-something editor: Lunch? These youngsters are weak! Didn't you used to get through 15 hours on coffee and nicotine alone?
60-something editor-in-chief: And whiskey!
West Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: I prefer Red Bull and Natty Boh
11AM My Father Always Told Me It Was Sex with a Prostitute
Employee looking at a catalogue: What's the difference between a guy and a man?
Perplexed boss: Is this a trick question?
Post Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: I still can't tell the difference
10AM A Cautionary Tale About Hiring People Who Sound Like Robots
Receptionist: Cindy's at lunch. I can give you her voice mail.
Woman on phone: Oh...is this her voice mail?
Receptionist (after long, disbelieving pause): One...moment...
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM Norman Bates Is Still Working Out His Mom Issues
Manager on phone, walking out of back office: Shut up! Just shut up! Jesus Christ! (hangs up phone).
(scared clerk is dead silent)
Manager: What? She's a bitch!
(phone rings)
Customer: Did I walk in on something?
Manager (calmly): Go to hell, mom. (angrily) I said go to hell! Die, bitch, die! (hangs up phone)
Scared clerk: You walked in on every day at this place. (shudders)
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
5PM But She Stopped As Soon As I Called It That.
Gossipy receptionist: ...and then she rode the wiener mobile.
Erie, Pennsylvania
4PM Not the Erotic Candy Store, Like Last Year
HR woman at benefits meeting: If you fill out this online survey you will receive a $50 gift card.
Woman employee: So what's the gift card good for?
HR woman: It's good for... Dicks...
(another woman employee starts laughing out loud)
HR woman: I meant "Dick's Sporting Goods."
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Guy in the crowd
3PM That's One Scavenger Hunt Item Out of the Way
Frat boy to another who is wiping something off his shoe: At least you stepped in dog shit!
Walking into Bobby Bowden Stadium in Tallahassee for FSU/NC State football game.
2PM Until the Day He Gets the Shaft
Coworker #1 to vendor carrying box out door: Dick, are you coming back in?
Coworker #2: That's what he does, he comes in, he goes out, he comes in, he goes out, all day long.
Coworker #3: Don't you think that gets old after a while?
Coworker #2: What? I'm telling the truth. Dick comes in, dick goes out, he comes in and goes out.
Coworker #1: What grade are you in? Third?
Coworker #2: I wasn't saying anything that wasn't true. It's not my fault you guys have dirty minds. Dick comes in and goes out a lot, all day long.
Connecticut
Overheard by: omfg, he's so annoying
1PM Ten Bucks Says the Planets Were Misaligned When She Was Born
Little Turkish woman: Since when is September considered part of summer? I mean, years ago, September was considered fall!
Office grunt: Well, technically, fall just began this past week with the autumnal equinox and...
Little Turkish woman (interrupting): I don't believe in astrology. Damn, it is hot out!
Brookline, Massachusetts
Overheard by: She blinded me with science
12PM Why Kids Smoke Pot
Loud mother, entering lingerie department holding hand of 11-year-old daughter: Can you tell me where your smallest training bras are? And I mean the smallest!
Chestnut Hill Macy's
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM It's One Big Fraternity Party Over There
Office guy #1: So I heard that people in China are naming their kids after both parents, cause there are a lot of Wangs in china.
Office guy #2: Wow... That is a lot of Wang.
Toronto
Canadia
10AM Presenting, the World's Smelliest Lock-Box
HR clerk to room full of tech guys: Hey guys, the men's restroom is going to be closed for a while. The plumber is here.
Senior tech guy: Okay. Our loads are secure.
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
9AM Supporting Our Troops' Drinking Is the Most Important Thing Right Now
Soldier #1: Sir, are you going to do anything while on leave?
Lieutenant, sitting in the one shady spot in the blazing heat: Yeah, I think me and my cousin are going to get some fuckin beers, get all smashed, go out and get tattoos. It's gonna be cool shit. Grab some brews, bitches...way cool.
Soldier #2, walking up: Yeah? Are you going to get a tattoo of a penis on your forehead, dickhead?
(shocked silence)
Lieutenant (thoughtful): Naw...fuck that.
Iraq
Overheard by: TK- soldier#3 almost peed stopping from laughing
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