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5PM ...Until I Learned Proper Grooming Habits
Female office worker, while eating trail mix: Man, all these nuts are making my throat itchy.
Male coworker, excitedly: That's what she said!
Baltimore, Maryland
4PM Explains Why I Get a Chill Whenever I See Susan Sarandon
Woman #1: Mandy received her first Precious Moments figurine.
Woman #2: I hate Precious Moments. They steal your soul while you sleep, that's why their eyes are so big.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
3PM In Unrelated News, Our CEO Just Got a $100 Million Golden Parachute
Division manager, addressing 200-member division: As part of the new policy, employees will not be allowed to carry over vacation days to next year.
District manager: Could I use days I have left in the first week of January?
Voice from speakerphone: That's next year, asshole!
(stunned silence)
Morristown, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jack Satan
2PM Which I Saw at a Carnival Once
Guy reading note: That's his handwriting? It looks like a retarded fourth grader writing with his left foot.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Guy Who Does His Hair at Work
1PM I've Even Learned How to Make It Shoot Confetti
Communications manager: He said your box is boring.
Graphics designer: He said my box is what?
Webmaster: You have a boring box?
Graphics designer: I've never had complaints before.
Sensual Products Office
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: sensual products copywriter
12PM Two-- I Only Count the Happy Years
Coworker #1: So what are you doing this weekend?
Coworker #2: My wife and I are celebrating our 23rd anniversary.
Coworker #1: So how long have you guys been married?
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: huh?
11AM Tomorrow We'll Work on Buttons
Boss to new sales rep: And here is your laptop with the carrying case. The computer just goes in the bag like this and then you use the Velcro straps to strap it in. You're familiar with Velcro, right? You just push the two sides together and... (proceeds to demonstrate)
Norcross, Georgia
10AM To Go With My Car-Shopping Outfit
Office bimbette #1: So, I bought a new car last night and I didn't need a guy to help me pick it out or make the deal or anything.
Office bimbette #2: For reals? What kind did of car did you get?
Office bimbette #1: A blue one.
California Street
San Francisco, California
9AM I'm Thinking About Deleting Him
Woman #1, hanging up after talking to boyfriend: What a dummy. He said that the internet isn't working at home because he deleted the modem or something, I wasn't really listening. God, boys are so stupid.
Woman #2: Seriously.
Loveland, Colorado
5PM You Know Some Men Would Pay You for That?
Laura: I guess a part of me could maybe like a baby.
Steph: Not a big part!
Laura: Well, no shit!
Steph: I guess it could be kinda fun...to have someone to take shopping and spank and stuff.
Laura: What a good reason to have a baby--to have someone to spank. Thinking about this gives me anxiety.
Steph: I know, I can't breathe.
Tallahassee, Florida
4PM Like a Programmer Even Knows What That Means?
(director of sales and marketing flips off female programmer)
Female programmer: Don't even finger me!
(rampant laughter)
Keene, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Monkey
3PM Hey, We Have a Heritage, We Don't Have to Memorize It
Man on phone: You should be in Boston, that's where Ben Franklin is from! The second President is from Boston!
Springfield, Massachusetts
2PM I Believe I'll Eat at My Desk Today
Accounting girl, walking into the lunchroom: Hey, it smells really good in here!
Project manager: Yeah that's cause I farted.
Calgary
Canadia
1PM Which Is Why They Leave Glitter in It
Coworker making lunch plans on the phone: Tell him not to get his hair cut til after lunch. Strippers don't care what your hair looks like!
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: B-rabbit
12PM Since It Turned Out They Were the Dog's Hearworm Pills
Cube dweller #1: How was your weekend?
Cube dweller #2: It was good! I went to the movies... Oh, and my mom said I could stop taking the medication she gave me.
Chicago, Illinois
11AM One Fad That Just Refuses to Pass
Male coworker to younger female coworker: Wanna babysit tonight so I can go out?
Female coworker: God no, why don't you have a list of teenagers? Where do you live?
Male coworker: All the teenagers are busy...I live in Kent.
Female coworker: Oh well...all the teenagers in Kent already have kids.
Male coworker: Good point.
Kent, Washington
Overheard by: Amy
10AM Don't I Get Enough Of That at Home?
Fat bank manager: I need to leave a deposit right on your lap.
Hot teller: Oh, dear lord.
Fifth Third Bank
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM Just When You Were Starting to Expect More from Virginia...
Server girl (about black guy in pink shirt): Wow, look at that pink shirt that guy's wearing!
Server boy: What about it? I think it looks kinda cool.
Server girl: But who would wear that?
Server boy: That guy obviously.
Server girl: Okay, you're right, it's okay on him...but on a person?
Server boy: That's fucked up.
Restaurant
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Overheard by: server thenn, idiot now
5PM Conversation's About the Journey, Not the Destination
Office mate (confused after not getting the whole story): You paraphrase like a boy. We're girls, we want to hear the truth.
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
4PM Both Equally Likely During Our Staff Meetings
Colleague #1: I wish it had been killer badgers.
Colleague #2: It's always badgers with you, isn't it? Badgers, or sex.
Digbeth
Birmingham
England
Overheard by: editorialgirl
3PM Playing "Duck, Duck, Goose" Is Getting Old
Store employee on break to another: So I was like, "let's pretend we live on an oil rig and have known each other for the past 15 years!"
Toronto
Canadia
2PM Oh, You Wanna Go There, Fishy McFisherson?
Woman to guy on other side of cube: Michael!
Michael (standing and looking over cube at her): What?
Woman: Nothing. I smelled something bad and thought it might be you.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Cubinator
1PM I Got My Medicine in Ten Minutes But I Was Just Too Mesmerized to Leave
Customer #1 (sitting in waiting area waiting for prescription for 40 minutes): (cough cough hack hack wheeze)
Customer #2: Oh, you sound awful, I hope you haven't been waiting long.
Customer #1: I've been here for almost an hour watching the dance of the dipshits that's going on behind the counter.
Customer #2: There's entertainment now?
CVS Pharmacy
Hamilton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Currrly!
12PM Hear Them Howling Outside My Window?
Dean: I'm like catnip to women over 80!
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: meow?
11AM What? It's on Your Resume, Ashley
Boss: I have a date tonight!
Sales girl: Just show lots of cleavage. That's what I do, and my dates always go well.
Boss: That's because you're a whore.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: The new guy
10AM Awww...Thank You!
Gay 20-something coworker, to female 20-something coworker, eyeing coworker's blackberry: You know, with you having that phone, I'd think you were a professional...until you opened your mouth.
University of California
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: venusflesh
9AM Did I Sound Like a Big, Angry Guy or a Soft-Spoken Lad with a British Accent?
Cube-dweller (on phone): Thank you for calling
Customer: Can I speak to Charles, please?
Cube-dweller: Speaking.
Customer: Oh, I thought you said you were Andy?
Cube-dweller: Yes.
Customer: So...you're Andy and Charles?
Cube-dweller: Yes.
Customer: Okay... Well, I'm returning your call.
Winnipeg
Manitoba
Canadia
Overheard by: Andy. I mean, Charles.
5PM Dear Diary--Talked to Diana Today. We Have So Much in Common!
Male supervisor: So pretty much I think I'm not going to eat before I do it anymore.
Female supervisor: I agree, I never have sex after I eat: that's why if you take me out to dinner you can pretty much guarantee I won't put out! I mean, I might get a cramp.
Lakeport, California
4PM "Baby Beluga"? Really?
Exec to another: This song makes me feel like I should be fingerbanging a hillbilly.
Emeryville, California
3PM See You in the Bathroom in Five Minutes?
Black cube rat (comparing voter registration cards): Yours is much better than mine.
White cube rat: But yours is colored.
Black cube rat: Yours is thicker.
(pause)
White cube rat: Let's just not talk for the rest of the day.
Black cube rat: I, uh, gotta go.
Washington, DC
2PM Every Banjo Song Sounds Like "Dueling Banjos"
Proofreader, warily: Your "Cat Peed on my Banjo" song sounds suspiciously like "Dueling Banjos"!
Washington, DC
1PM And, Um, I Believe That Paper Gown Violates Dress Code, Mister
Employee with cancer: I'm bringing these files back.
Account executive: What...they don't allow files at the hospice?
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Alia
12PM Because Otherwise We'll Have Six More Weeks of Winter
Quiet female coworker: I hope my placenta's huge!
Downtown Albany, New York
Overheard by: Oddly enough, I don't
11AM And What's a "Foot"?
Girl: My mom dropped a plate and it shattered all over the floor and she cut her foot pretty bad. I was cleaning up the pieces...
Guy: Was it a paper plate?
(girl stares at him)
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: And he's not even blonde...
10AM Doesn't Take Much for a Man to Forget His Wedding Vows
Male coworker, looking at new office desk: That's a really sturdy desk.
Female coworker: Yeah, you could totally do it on that desk.
Male coworker (pausing): Wow, that's kind of awesome that you said that.
Santa Barbara, California
9AM Jeez, No Wonder Campaign Finance Reform Is So Hard
Woman on phone with client: Let me put this to you another way: you pay for four hours with a whore. You buy her a catsuit. At the end of that time, you don't own the whore. You may still retain the catsuit but what good will that do you, since you're a 45-year-old balding fat guy? You might as well leave the catsuit with the whore.
Defense Contractor
Andover, Massachusetts
5PM Yeah, You Wish That Was a Metaphor
Boss: We're going to have to stroke his penis.
Downtown Brooklyn
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Miss Blige
4PM How to Start an Argument in Pennsylvania
Guy in next cube: In my opinion, a chimney is no place to raise a family.
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: ReRo
3PM Is He the Same One Whose Stomach Exploded from Pop Rocks and Soda?
Chubby secretary: So, my friend from college was roommates with this guy who went to high school with this girl whose brother was eaten by Jeffrey Dahmer!
Friend: Oh my god! You could have been killed!
Tampa, Florida
2PM Remember That Time I Pulled Out a Baby?
Coworker, ranting about the office copier: Guess what I have to do in five minutes. Get a "training" session on the 250 from Bob. Yeah, I know. If the 250 were a person, I would be its gynecologist, I know it so well! I have been into its regions and back, retrieving jammed paper!
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Living for Friday
1PM Always Playing the Race Car
Worker #1: Does anyone know who owns the black Civic out front?
Worker #2: Why's it gotta be a black Civic? Why can't it just be a civic?
Redmond, Washington
12PM Bratwurst Stories Would Never Approach the Popularity of Taxicab Confessions
Hot Asian: Why do we have to talk about war shit? Why not talk about our bratwurst stories? I had one with my dad at the county stadium when I was eleven - it was great!
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: ncarch
11AM In Totally Unrelated News, Burrito Party at Ted's Next Week!
Worker bee #1: Hey, have you ever been at your buddies' house and really had to fart, but you didn't want to so you held it in for the longest time, but then you finally had to let it go, and just as you do his mom walks down the stairs?
Worker bee #2: I really have no idea what to say to that.
Worker bee #1: Yeah, it's never happened to me either, though I guess it's only a matter of time.
Lethbridge
Alberta
Canadia
10AM The Rest of Us Have to Make Do With Circular References
Marketing manager to call center manager: The numbers you provided me on this spreadsheet don't add up.
Call center manager: Numbers only add up in a perfect world.
Sudbury
Ontario
Canadia
9AM Now That Lent's Over
Cube rat: I enjoy a good stapler.
Manhattan, New York
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