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5PM I Was Cold, but Now I Want Only to Hit You
Worker #1: Is anyone else in here cold?
Worker #2: Well I'm not warm...If that's what you mean.
Renton, Washington
4PM I Have Some in My Trunk
Fat old creepy guy interrupting three Asian girls: So how old is this guy?
Asian girl #1 (looking awkwardly at friends): 18.
Asian girl #2: Yeah. (laughs) She likes them young.
Fat old creepy guy: Oooh! (pause) You can train him! Get a collar and a leash and a big stick like the ones my kids use to whack their pigs!
Sacramento, California
3PM We're Not Paying You to Be Happy
Salesperson over intercom: Justin, will you please get out of the happiness place?
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: dolly
2PM The Ones I Hired an Hour Ago Are Already Exhausted
Receptionist on cell: We're going to have to make a special trip to New York, girl, because I need some new door knockers in my life, and you know I'm not going to find them around here.
Portland, Oregon
1PM This Is Just Like That Erin Brockovich Incident
Intern: I wish I could remember Matt Damon's name in Good Will Hunting...
Santa Fe Building
Denver, Colorado
12PM Like My Mother's Control Over Me
Sally*, stretching her leg after working out: It's tight and painful, yet it feels so good at the same time.
Tel Aviv
Israel
11AM Serves You Right for Ordering a "Whisper" of Anything
Employee returning from Starbucks: Your whisper of cinnamon may have turned into a dull roar.
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM It Turns the Whole Economy On
Senior partner: I was telling my secretary the other day, "You know what turns me on? You know what gets me hot? A woman with a job."
Senior associate: Well, I have one of those.
Senior partner: It really turns me on.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: praying that it's only a dream
9AM Next Time I'll Only Go to a Licensed Masseuse
Mailroom guy #1: Man, I like, dislocated two discs in my back.
Mailroom guy #2: Man, I like, dislocated two balls in my pants.
(person nearby laughs)
Mailroom guy #2: Don't laugh! It's true!
Sudbury
Ontario
Canadia
5PM I Just Hump the Armrest During Takeoff
Female coworker: I love Hawaii, been there four times already.
Male coworker: Oh, so you like to travel a lot?
Female coworker: No, I go to Hawaii to visit my sister, it's not like I'm a member of the mile high club or anything.
Long Island City, New York
Overheard by: oh no u didn't
4PM Making Him the Best Boss I Ever Had
Coworker: His problem is that he has two perfectly good legs attached to an asshole. He needs to have his legs removed so he can be a whole asshole.
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: very amused
3PM ...How Are You at Sharpening Pencils?
Admin assistant: Can you get us these things from Starbucks? (hands list to intern)
Intern: Yeah. (pauses, looks at list) This one says "no milk"...do you think that means fat free"?
Admin assistant: Uh...
W 45th
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Actually, it said 2 percent.
2PM Tiger Woods: You Ruined Golf for Me!
Lesbian #1: You should get a Subaru. Come on...join the club.
Lesbian #2: I don't really want a Subaru.
Angry straight coworker: Don't get a Subaru. Dude, you people take everything! First you take the rainbow. Now Subarus! What the fuck?
Richmond, California
Overheard by: B $
1PM As Immortalized in Who Unframed Eddie Rabbit?
Intern to resident artist: Is it "Helga's Pub" or "Helga's Lounge"?
Resident artist: It's "Helga's Pub." It stopped being a lounge when they took down the picture of Eddie Rabbit.
Broad Street
Augusta, Georgia
12PM The Two Types of Employees: Encapsulated
Dumb employee: See, the thing about putting oil and vinegar into a squeeze bottle is that you have to make a decision... You either get oil, or you get vinegar.
Smart employee: Shake it?
Dumb employee: Well...you made a fool out of me.
Port Washington, New York
Overheard by: Chenga
11AM And Everyone's Been Raving About Your Hard Candy
Coworker #1: You were looking for me earlier?
Coworker #2: Oh, yeah, I came down to see you earlier. I needed something to suck on.
Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM And Doesn't Make Me Leave Immediately After He's Done
Technically challenged lady #1: I like that IT guy. He doesn't just come in, stick it in and split. He actually takes the time to explain what he's doing.
Technically challenged lady #2: Yeah, I like him because tells me what goes in which hole.
San Antonio, Texas
9AM Better Known As Oh, the Nonsense You'll Believe!
20-something female coworker: Ooooh! Dr. Seuss' Oh, the Places You'll Go! For real, ya'll, that's the best book ever written. Well...other than, like, the bible.
Charleston, South Carolina
5PM Opium Is Great!
Boss to intern: Why were you late today?
Intern: I was dreaming!
Midtown
New York City, New York
Overheard by: and he still got hired!?!
4PM Need to Impress Someone?
Coworker: Hey, does anyone have a dollar that I could borrow for an hour?
Houston, Texas
3PM I Mean, Just Look Around This Conference Room!
Manager: Why don't people blink when they're asleep?
Solihull
England
Overheard by: Peon
2PM Boys and Girls Are Just Wired Differently, Sweetie
Dad: So, I need a male audio cable and a video cable with two female connections on each end.
Eight-year-old: Daddy...I thought males and females were like boys and girls. I'm confused.
Dad: Um...don't worry about it.
RadioShack
California
Overheard by: SK
1PM Aren't You Supposed to Be Ordering the Wave Machine?
(squeaking noises are heard from the next cubicle)
Office bee #1: What is that?
Office bee #2: It's Jean. She's blowing up a beach ball.
Office bee #1: Oh, okay.
Glenview, Illinois
12PM Fine, But You Have to Clean Up the Goo This Time
Boss: I need you to work your superpowers for me.
Stunned office monkey: In the office?!
Argentia Road
Mississauga
Canadia
Overheard by: My superpower is top secret
11AM And Ask Her About Friday Night
French intern: Um, excuse me? What is "slut"?
Coworker: Heh...I would run that by your supervisor.
Watertown, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Rachael
10AM I Think We All Remember What Happened at the Margarita Potato-Sack Race Last Year
Presenter: The activity we're going to do is called "me in a bag." Has anyone ever done "me in a bag"? Who's done "me in a bag"?
Greenwood Village, Colorado
9AM Not Ours, but It's Close
Office worker #1: Have you ever noticed that dog feet smell like popcorn?
Office worker #2: That is going to be my quote of the week!
Fairbanks, Alaska
Overheard by: nunyabidnizz
5PM Michael Jackson: My Doctors Say No
Office rat on office-wide intercom: Could you be any more Caucasian?
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
4PM Will You Still PDF Me in the Morning?
Male coworker to secretary at computer: Can you unzip something for me?
Easton Commons
Columbus, Ohio
3PM I'm Thinking the Shredder Is Full of It
Admin #1: I would really like to take a solid shit one of these days.
Admin #2: Mud butt?
Admin #1: Total.
Admin #2: Hmmmm.
Admin #2: More fiber is needed.
Admin #1: What has a lot of fiber in it?
Admin #2: I don't know...let me look.
Richfield, Minnesota
2PM Dude, T-Shirt-- and Never Speak to Me Again!
Male coworker to another: As a man, have you ever had your nipples get sore from your shirt rubbing on them?
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Amelia
1PM Have You Been Browsing the Lane Bryant Website Again?
Coworker #1: I went to the black rodeo.
Coworker #2: Black rodeo?
Coworker #1: Yeah, all the cowboys are black.
Coworker #2: Ohhhhh...where was that?
Coworker #1: Alabama. They had mini cows.
Coworker #3: I think those are baby cows...calves.
Coworker #1: I thought they were premature big cows.
Coworker #3: What the fuck is a premature big cow?
Newspaper
Dallas, Texas
12PM Um, That's a Lima Bean
Loud female coworker to other: That's a foot?! I thought it was a penis!
Somerville, New Jersey
11AM That Insult's About You, Not Me
Cube worker #1: That's because you're gay.
Cube worker #2: "Gay" as in "happy"?
Cube worker #1: No, "gay" as in "Olympics"!
Twinsburg, Ohio
10AM Which We Should Get Out of the Hobbit of Doing
Orientation instructor: Well, yesterday we had a "team exercise" but it quickly spiraled into a Lord of the Rings scenario.
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Amy
9AM Worst. Apology. Ever
Visitor: Excuse me, receptionist? Do you mind getting me some coffee?
VP of sales: I'm sorry, I'm not the receptionist.
Visitor: Oh, I'm sorry...you look just like one.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Steals your good pens...
5PM I'm a Hologram
Warehouse guy: Where's David?
David, from his cubicle: Oh, they let him go, man. He's gone.
Warehouse guy: Uhhmm...
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM You Say That About Every No-Sale
Sales guy #1: He could be a tranny.
Sales guy #2: Dave*, you are a retard.
Sales guy #1: You don't know! He could be a tranny!
Bonner Springs, Kansas
3PM I Don't Know If a White Highlighter Will Work, Though
Coworker: I should ask Mary if I could trade my pink one for her white one.
Richardson, Texas
2PM Read and Heed, Ladies
Engineer #1: You don't want me designing that machine. Not even if I was the last man on earth.
Project manager: If you were the last man on earth, who would there be to ask you to design it?
Engineer #2: The last woman on earth?
Engineer #1: I definitely wouldn't do it then. No matter what I did, she would make me wrong. Fuck that!
Paterson, New Jersey
1PM We Probably Should Get an Apartment Together and a Little Dog
(coworker #1 launches stress ball at coworker #2)
Coworker #2: Good thing you throw like a girl.
Coworker #1: Ya know, you're like the opposite of United Way: you bring out the worst in me.
Coworker #1: I'm pretty sure that's not their motto.
Coworker #2: I'm pretty sure you're still fucking annoying. (waits a moment) Yep.
East Midtown
New York City, New York
Overheard by: The Temp
12PM Some Sort of Ick, Anyway
Office worker: I love throwing up! I'm dyslexic.
County Courthouse
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
11AM Oh, Get Your Minds Out of the Gutter
Project manager: So there's a naughty spot in the bowling alley?
Swiftwater, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: stop talking, start working please
10AM Monkey Business
Boss: Did you get the cream, Dana*?
Manager: Yes.
Boss: And the pants?
Manager: Uh uh!
Boss: Great, then I'm in business!
Oak Brook, Illinois
Overheard by: widgetoc
9AM And Can Tell You How Many Licks It Takes to Get to the Center Of a Tootsie Pop?
Blonde in next cubicle: It's especially sad when turtles get killed. I mean, aren't they like really wise and live for hundreds of years or something?
Toronto
Canadia
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