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5PM And Read The Onion
Coworker: The normal media won't tell you the truth. That's why I listen to talk shows.
Oak Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Vejewsbian
4PM Why Some Sesame Street Writers Get Fired
Teen to Latina: How do you say 'thumb in your ass' in Spanish?
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Amo
3PM But She Turned Out to Have Inspector Gadget Arms
Employee: So how'd the meeting go?
Boss: Sharon touches me a lot. I tried not to sit near her.
Washington, DC
2PM The Office Is Aiming to Reach a Wider Feline Demographic This Season
Cashier, over intercom: Brian to the front desk, please.
Not Brian, over intercom: Meowwwww?
Wheaton, Maryland
Overheard by: I don't think that was Brian.
1PM I'll Bet Heidi Hears That from Grandpapa All the Time
Receptionist #1: So she got a new hair do.
Receptionist #2: Yes, braids, is it inappropriate to comment on them?
Receptionist #1: We could tell her that her hair looks...ethnic?
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Anne
12PM Before or After I Sit in Front of Your House with Binoculars?
Nosey cube dweller: What are you doing after work?
Neighbor of nosey cube drone: Minding my own business. Why, what are you doing?
Brookline, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Not minding his
11AM Jeez, I Already Know How to Pass Out at Parties
Slutty waitress: My baby daughter is driving me insane!
Waiter: That'll teach you to pass out at parties.
(slutty waitress glares, storms off)
Waiter, shrugging: Well, it should.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
10AM The Fairy Also Turned Gepetto's Calculator Into a Real Girl
Ditzy clothing buyer for famous department store: Like, I can never remember my extension, so when I sign off on something, I just totally make up whatever numbers come to my head.
W 49th Street
New York City, New York
9AM ...As Cinderella Explained, in the Director's Cut
Receptionist: I found out that I can't go to Disney World because I have a paper due that week and I don't want to miss 100 points.
Boss (who is rather overweight and old): That is really too bad but I mean, I'll go in your place.
Receptionist: Only if you get Mickey Mouse ears and go to the castle and have dinner with the princesses.
Boss: Sure. I'll be the best fucking princess those bitches have ever seen!
Bellingham, Washington
5PM How to Make a Sexual Availability Statement in Missouri
Female coworker: I just shaved my armpits, and now I'm drunk!
Kansas City, Missouri
4PM A Little Something Extra on the Meat-Lover's Pizza, Ma'am
Employee #1: Yeah, it was a great porno. Yeah, she was all up on his taint. The taint. You know the part between the meat and the hole? Yeah, that.
Employee #2, on the phone with customer: (cringe)
Customer on phone: Excuse me...
Employee #2: Umm, yes ma'am?
Customer: Was that man talking about balls?
Pizza Place
Long Island, New York
3PM Now Go Download Porn Like a Good Boy
Angela: Hello, this is Angela, how may I help y... No! No, son, I am too busy to talk about Hannah Montana! (hangs up angrily)
Cedar Hill, Texas
2PM A Preview of Sex & the City VIII
Elderly lady: Okay, teabag--here I come!
Nixa, Missouri
1PM When Dr. Phil Says This Shit, He Makes Millions
Support tech (in southern accent): If that don't fix it, then it's still broke.
Hollywood, Florida
12PM Or at Least Some Heavy-Duty Saran Wrap
Receptionist: He needs a control top. His boobs were going everywhere!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
11AM Ooo, Sacrilege!
Annoying IT guy behind partition: Yo, dude, I need god status on this site so I can make changes.(laughs to himself) Hey, I need god status. (another employee enters the room) Hey, yo, I need god status on this site. God status. (laughs again)
Quiet IT girl on other side of partition: Shut up!
Raleigh, North Carolina
10AM Janice Dickinson's Reality Show Crew Finally Draws the Line
Office worker #1: Do we need to talk about how to handle a psychiatric emergency with her?
Office worker #2: If it happens, I'm shutting my door on her crazy ass.
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM Did You Know the Heating Ducts Are Full Of Six-Foot Swedes?
Worker #1: Did you know there was a midget in our building?
Worker #2: Hiding?
Worker #1: No, working on three, asshole.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
5PM ...With the Fact That I'm a Keanu Fan.
Nurse #1: Man, I really like speed.
Nurse #2: This from the girl with "registered nurse" on her badge.
Nurse #1: Just shut up and deal.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Night Nurse
4PM But I Hear Fahrenheit Is Beautiful This Time Of Year
Woman: Can you tell me what's the temperature in Frankfurt?
Check-in agent: Fahrenheit?
Woman: No, Frankfurt.
International Airport
Mexico City
Mexico
Overheard by: Trece
3PM Could Be a Wooden Plank in a Stripper Costume
Drone #1: Christ! I need to play the lottery.
Drone #2: Why, how much is it?
Drone #1: 250 million. If I win I'm flipping the bird to this place and you and I are gonna go hit Vegas. I'm gonna die balls deep in some hot stripper.
Drone #2: A female one right?
Drone #1: At 250 million, it won't matter.
Broadway & 42nd
New York City, New York
2PM Is It Replete with Wiretude?
Coworker asking about wireless: I know absolutely nothing about wireless here; my computer is very wireful.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: ED
1PM First Shellfish, and Now This.
Large lady: What's for lunch today?
Regular lady: Mushroom risotto.
Large lady: Oh, I can't have mushrooms--they make me horny and I ain't got no one to be horny with no more.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Aghast
12PM ...Wait, No...Insensitivity?
Customer: It smells like incest in here... Wait, no, incense.
Golf Shop
Macon, Georgia
Overheard by: What do pine-scented candles remind you of?
11AM I've Been Turning Them Inside Out for Weeks Now
Banker on phone to call center (shouting): I need the washing machine and dryer installed in my house by tonight! This is completely unacceptable. Tonight! Do you understand? This isn't a debate! (now exasperated) It's an emergency: I've got no clean underwear left.
London
England
Overheard by: So many answers, so many questions
10AM Liquid Diet? I Hear Ya, Pal
Coworker #1: What, you mean you don't like gummy bears?
Coworker #2: No, I like gummy bears, I just don't feel like chewing today.
New York City, New York
9AM Especially Not with Your Hand in Your Pants Like That
Male coworker: Just tell me what you work out in.
Female coworker: No.
Dallas, Texas
5PM At Least I Don't End My Sentences with Prepositions
Angry customer on phone: Where are you located at?
CSR: Iowa.
Angry customer on phone: I outta come there and kick your ass!
Calm CSR: With all due respect sir, bring it. (hangs up)
Boyrum
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: Cube Mate
4PM This Sort Of Thing Can Go on For Hours
Executive VP: How do you spell "reasoning"?
Senior VP: Just like "seasoning", but with an "r".
Executive VP: How do you spell "seasoning"?
Lenox Road
Atlanta, Georgia
3PM Snack Time: Act II
Dingbat CSR, answering phone while eating at desk: Mmmmfff... I apologize, sir, I have nuts in my mouth.
Castle Rock, Colorado
Overheard by: Sparky
2PM I Refuse to Procreate with Him 'Til He Gets This Straight
Coworker #1, hanging up the phone: I can't believe it's six o'clock, I should be going home and I'm here on the phone talking to Steve* about chicken eggs!
Coworker #2: Why?
Coworker #1: I don't know, he thinks the yolks mean they're fertilized.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: that's not how eggs work
1PM I Must've Left It in the Bathroom at Home
Man leaving bathroom: Find your floppy?
Man entering bathroom: Nope.
McDonald's Drive
Oakbrook, Illinois
12PM As Rude As You Calling Janet Reno a Transvestite?
Manager: How dare my BlackBerry not know how to spell "transvestite?" That's just rude.
Berkeley Heights
New Jersey
11AM And Gastronomically
Teacher: I just love children!
(silence in the room)
Teacher: Medically speaking, of course...
Hospital
New York
Overheard by: Yeah, I think I'm gonna leave now...
10AM Why People Start Smoking Again: Explained
Receptionist on phone: No, sir... No, but you can leave him a voice mail telling him how much you hate his guts. I hope you have a shitty day too, sir.
Fairfax, Virginia
9AM Um, Those Are Striped Tights
Girl to male coworker: And the only place she has stretch marks is on her legs.
Male coworker: Oh, that's cool.
San Francisco, California
5PM I Don't Understand--I Always Stock It with Condoms
Woman: My purse looks pregnant.
Zoetermeer
The Netherlands
Overheard by: Trying to work but laughin' my but of :P
4PM How Gay Dating Works in Florida
Assistant: There are bears in the hall again. Do you want me to bag them?
Ft.Lauderdale, Florida
3PM My Stupidosity Just Grows and Grows, Y'know?
Peon, slamming down phone: That client is so goddamn dumb! I swear to god, every time I talk to him, I get more and more stupider.
International Finance Centre
Hong Kong
2PM I Count Seven Foil Helmets in This Room Alone
Sad boss: I'm sure there are a lot of normal people here, just not in this department.
Hartford, Connecticut
1PM How We Feel About Kirstie Alley's Jenny Craig Commercials, Too
CSR: Thank you for calling, how are you today? (pause) Oh, very uncomfortable and kind of disturbing?
Plymouth, Minnesota
12PM I Take Them from Everyone Who Borrows a Pencil
Old office dweller: Thank you.
Young receptionist: You're welcome. Now you owe me your fingerprints.
Spicewood Springs Road
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Nator
11AM Not Nearly As Glamorous As the Recruiter Portrayed It
Manager in hallway: Damn! I'm so sick of being a drug dealer!
Clear Lake, Iowa
10AM "No" Still Means "Yes" to Many Men
Secretary: All of our customers who said they don't want our e-mails are getting them. And all of our customers who said they want them aren't getting them.
Boss: So, what's the problem?
New York City, New York
9AM Accounting's Always the Last to Learn About Expenditures
Perky new faculty member: Hi! I'm Marie*! It's nice to meet you.
(everyone exchanges handshakes and sits down)
Confused accountant: I'm sorry, do you work here?
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: justwords77
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