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5PM You Know the Paper Doesn't Actually Go Through the Phone Line?
Boss (giving papers to peon) Would you please fax these for me ASAP?
Peon (taking papers) Sure thing.
Peon (faxes, brings back papers) Here you go.
Boss: I thought I told you to fax these!
San Diego, California
4PM I Told You We Needed to Tie Up Some Loose Ends
Young naive office girl: Oh look! We're all here for lunch! It's time for some good company bondage time.
Man: That's "bonding" time.
Girl: Nope. "Bondage!"
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: Brandon Davis
3PM So Just Bring Me the Cup of Coffee and We'll See If It Works
Male coworker on phone: Well, in this alternate reality that's how babies are conceived.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
2PM Even Though He and I Have Nothing in Common
Boss to coworker, as they leave office: All right, I'll meet the goddamn baby!
Los Angeles, California
1PM But I Can't Seem to Make the Request Without Giggling
Geek #1 (about female geek): She's pretty cool--I can hang with her.
Geek #2: Yeah, she's kind of cute and has some personality.
Geek #1: I keep trying to get her to give me a hummer...
Geek #2: Well, yeah, same here!
Geek #1: Because she has a collection of toy hummers in her cubicle.
Geek #2: Ah. Nice.
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: Richard
12PM If You Swallow Semen, Could You Poop Out a Baby?
Girl #1: I feel like I'm pregnant.
Girl #2: Maybe you are.
Girl #1: But, it was anal sex.
Girl #2: But I think it could still pass through.
Girl #1: "Pass through?"
Girl #2: Yeah, I think sometimes it can.
Girl #1: Oh god.
Girl #2: I think I've heard it could. You'd better go get checked out.
Girl #1: Oh, god!
Girl #2: You're even looking kind of...bigger.
Illinois
11AM Only the Strongest Children Survive Kentucky Daycare
Loud cube neighbor on cell: Well, how in the hell did he escape if he was handcuffed?!
Frankfort, Kentucky
Overheard by: Coder Chick
10AM ...And Said, "I Think I Lava You"
Professor: For example, say I give this woman a hundred-dollar bill... No, that's not a good example. Say I give her a mug of hot lava...
Stevens Tech
Hoboken, New Jersey
9AM Whatever--There Was One on My Wedding Cake
Cube dweller #1: So then "groom," like the horse kind.
Cube dweller #2: Uh, okay, or like the husband.
Cube dweller #3: Or the thing you clean your kitchen with.
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, that's a "broom."
Washington, DC
Overheard by: emc
5PM The Highest Aspiration in Norristown
Young attorney #1: I look like an old woman in this coat.
Young attorney #2: Maybe a slutty old woman.
Young attorney #1: I wish I was a slutty old woman.
Norristown, Pennsylvania
4PM The Title of Li'l Kim's New Hit Single?
Female coworker: No way! Don't be squirting me with none of your man crap!
Mansfield, Pennsylvania
3PM We Wondered About the Tubs of Hand Lotion
Perky career director: We're here to service all of you!
Washington, DC
Overheard by: theintern
2PM That Damn Mannequin Always Shows Us Up
Manager at meeting: Dusty is the only person cooperating here--he hasn't said a thing!
Carrollton, Texas
1PM In the Clutches of the Liberal Media!
Manager: I just lost my mind a little bit... Oh! Here it is!
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Instead of Just Having All These VDs
Entry-level employee: If I was a girl I would definitely be pregnant by now.
Baltimore, Maryland
11AM It'll Rival the Baby Wrestling the Snake!
Manager: We need a picture of the tiger playing with his ball.
Peon: Yea, that would be great.
Manager: People would say this is the best webcast ever.
Peon: People would say, "That's cool, look at the tiger playing with his ball."
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: WaitingForWork
10AM Or at Least Not Covered in Crisco Again
Copy editor: I'm just going to knock on his door and hope he's not naked.
Anaheim, California
Overheard by: Parakeet #1
9AM Thanks for Showing Me the Supplication Cabinet!
Manager: Here's the office supply cabinet. Do you need anything?
First-day-on-the-job peon: Oh yeah! A pad of paper. I like to take dubious notes.
Cleveland, Ohio
5PM And Sometimes a Boob-Squeeze As a Holiday Bonus
Cashier to saleswoman holding a box of sweets: Hey! Why didn't I get a box of sweets?
Saleswoman: Because your title isn't "manager". He gets a hug, and maybe a little pinch on the tushy.
Bedford, New York
Overheard by: Black Friday Shopper
4PM I Think I've Seen This Maggie Gyllenhaal Movie
Office mate #1 (asking for money for lunch): Are you trying to break me already?
Office mate #2: I would love to break you.
Washington, DC
3PM Could You Guys at Least Close the Door?
Female boss on cell: Finally! I'm getting knocked up!
Sunnyvale, California
2PM Not with Those Spikes on Your Wheelchair, Ben-Hur
Young professional woman: I have to pee.
Young professional man: Me too.
Young professional woman: Race you to the handicapped bathroom!
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Dan
1PM Come to Think Of It, We Haven't Seen Ms. Harding in a While...
Cube dweller #1 (hears scraping on a dish): What are you eating?
Cube dweller #2: (mumbles something)
Cube dweller #1: What did you day? Did you say "Tonya?"
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, her too.
Buffalo, New York
12PM Lots Of Women Had to Share Bras During the Depression
Office tease: Did you watch it? Did you watch 2 Girls 1 Cup?
Office perv: I think I'm gonna be sick...
Office tease: Wasn't it the most disgusting thing you've ever seen?
Office slut: Wow, you made Kevin* nauseous? Okay, now I'm interested.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
11AM I Already Have Dibs on His Stapler
Peon to boss looking for the bigger boss: He is not there. He is murdering Mike*.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: has a will
10AM From My Big Book Of Ways to Ensure Co-Workers Don't Talk to Me
(coworker #2 has just returned from a two-hour meeting)
Coworker #1: How was the meeting?
Coworker #2: My hemorrhoids are okay until we get to the 1:45 mark. Then I get that itchy twitchy feeling.
Collegeville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lola
9AM And Don't Even Get Me Started on Yo Mama
Boss, sitting at peon's desk: This chair is not ergonomically correct.
Peon: You're not ergonomically correct.
Des Moines, Iowa
5PM This, from a Guy Who Watches Extreme Makeover?
Young waitress, dreamily: My friends and I just love that Joran Van Der Sloot.
Manager: The fact that he's accused of murder doesn't phase you?
Waitress: Only makes him hotter! (sighs)
Waiter: The next time I say women are stupid and you argue with me, I'm bringing this up, you know.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
4PM Depression Is Fantastic for Mother Earth
Middle-aged woman: Are you going anywhere for the holidays?
Elderly man, clearly disappointed: No--I'm not up to traveling this year.
Middle-aged woman, excitedly: Good for you! Save those carbon credits!
Penn Quarter
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Jonathan
3PM You Must Be from Quba
Enrollment counselor on phone with student: The first letter is I, like "eyeball."
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Literate Listener
2PM I Haven't Been This Excited Since Janie Had That Gun
Admin: Be careful, Brenda* has a bowie knife!
Boss: I think I just drooled on myself.
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Joyful
1PM Fairly Exotic, for a New Yorker
Chubby CVS cashier to coworker: Yeah, so I've been seeing this new guy recently, it's going pretty well. We're hanging out later.
Coworker: Oh really, what are you going to do?
Chubby CVS cashier: Chill in his car.
Upper West Side
New York City, New York
12PM Can We Never Speak Of This Again?
Male coworker: It smells like poop in here.
Male boss: It's my pants!
Male coworker: Uhh...
Male boss: It's not my fault! You don't believe me? Smell them!
Female coworker: Um, okay. (smells pants) Ewww, sick.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: not smelling
11AM In About Four Seconds, Both Of Our Appetites Will Be Ruined
Cube dweller #1: Want to go to lunch?
Cube dweller #2: Nah. I just farted.
Broomfield, Colorado
Overheard by: Russ G
10AM I Want to Imagine He's Talking to Hillary Duff
Boss to peon: Because I don't want you edgy. I want you your usual fuzzy self when I beat you up.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: happy she is always edgy
9AM We Know, Kevin
Supervisor signing box, dreamily: Ah! I love packages...
Chino, California
Overheard by: Emu Whisperer
5PM It's Not Like We're Korean
Office girl: Yeah, so I couldn't keep my dog anymore, so my dad got rid of it.
Office guy: Really? Oh--did he get rid of it the bad way?
Office girl: He didn't eat it!
Office guy (shocked): Um... That's really not what I meant, but okay...
Toronto
Canadia
4PM Like, Does a Relative Moron Count?
Consultant #1 (reading online purity test): Have you ever slept with a relative?
Consultant #2: Define "relative."
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
3PM Anyone Else Just Get the Tremendous Urge to Watch Goonies?
Tubby manager: I need to lose some weight.
Blunt manager: How about you quit eating like a twelve-year-old whose parents aren't home from work yet, chunk-style?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
2PM And Don't Be Trying to Put Rat Poison in It This Time
Elderly boss to receptionist: Where's my coffee?
Receptionist: Are your legs broken?
Elderly boss: My third one is! Now get my coffee!
Southfield, Michigan
1PM Plus You Wouldn't Have to Go to the Gym!
Coworker #1: Ugh. I don't feel like being at work today.
Coworker #2: I know. Don't you ever wish you could just fall out of bed in the morning and break both your legs so you could take a sick day?
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Unless You're Playing a Fun Memory Game with Yourself
Secretary on her first day: So, I should only delete the messages I don't want to keep?
Raleigh, North Carolina
11AM You Should See His Care Bear Stare. Impressive
Worker #1: Have you worked with this guy before? (points at name in book).
Worker #2: Yeah, I think he likes rainbows.
Worker #3: He's totally rainbowized.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
10AM While Slapping You Repeatedly
Customer service "specialist": Sir, I was not yelling, I was only raising my voice.
Sunnyvale, California
9AM You Know You Giggled
Receptionist to UPS delivery guy (about his electronic device for tracking deliveries): Wow! That's a big unit!
Red Deer
Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Kate
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