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5PM You'll Need to Read My Dissertation to Find Out!
Coworker #1: Well, Asians make the best trannies.
Coworker #2: Yeah, why is that?
Hudson Street
New York City, New York
4PM It's a Bad Influence on South
Lady coworker: I don't like the direction "west."
Dallas, Texas
3PM Can I Talk to You Later, Mom?
CSR on phone: No ma'am... If I was out trying to bang my dick in a bar I wouldn't take the time to call you back.
Atlanta, Georgia
2PM How Do You Know When a Paperclip Chain Is Finished, Really?
Office worker: Wow, I almost finished something today!
San Rafael, California
1PM Or an LCD Screen Television?
Confused coworker: So should I look for a baby girl, or another wife?
Dupont, Washington
Overheard by: Richard
12PM Harold Prepares for His Real World Audition
Sales manager, to himself in fake southern accent: Ah don't drink to drink! Ah drink t'git drunk!
Baltimore, Maryland
11AM You Probably Should've Stopped Breastfeeding Before Going Off to College
Programmer: I'm amazed that even now, you feel the need to keep on sucking.
Calgary
Alberta
Canadia
10AM And Squeezing My Frittatas
Female assistant: Quit staring at my taco!
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
9AM ...When It Should Show Three Cherries and a Gold Coin
(at 11:11 am)
Admin #1: My clock is broken!
Admin #2: Really?
Admin #1: Yes, it's showing all ones!
Bedford, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Trapped In My Cube
5PM I Don't Need You Falling Asleep on the Toilet Again
Male office peon: Do you have any magazines that are interesting and stimulating?
Female office peon (hiding Logistics Management magazine): You are not taking it to the bathroom.
Clifton, New Jersey
Overheard by: My magazines have sentimental value
4PM When You Should Be a Monkey with a Candle
Sales guy on phone with prospect: Yeah, well, then you get confused and don't know what to do and you're like a deer with headlights.
William St
New York City, New York
3PM They're Made with Those Broccoli Pigs
Self-important guy: Most hot dogs in the US are pretty much vegetarian anyway.
Lexington, Massachusetts
Overheard by: amused and disgusted
2PM They Look Divine
Bored secretary: Don't my nails look great? That stand in the mall polished them with dead sea scrolls!
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
1PM Which Reminds Me Of the Time We Rented The Lake House
Office worker #1: Man, I feel like I have a fuckin' brick of cheese in my stomach.
Office worker #2 (in a concerned tone): That really sucks.
Office worker #1: Yeah.
Office worker #2: Ratatouille comes out on DVD next week!
Gastown
Vancouver
Canadia
12PM Hey, What Happens in Here Stays in Here
Guy to coworker at the next urinal, who just farted: Are you serious?!
St. Petersburg, Florida
11AM And Not Be Confronted by Homeless Guys Doing the Same Thing
New employee: Why do we have to get a key to go to the restroom? This isn't elementary school!
Researcher: Yeah, it's annoying, but there are advantages.
New hire employee: What's that?
Researcher: If you're having a stressful day at work, you can rub one out in private.
Phoenix, Arizona
10AM Meet the Author Of The Confederate Cookie Book
Boss: These cookies are good. Tastes like there's Ex-lax in 'em.
Charleston, South Carolina
9AM Plus, Ethel Just Endorsed Senator Obama
Bizarre cube dweller: Cornmeal, hamocks, gunpowder, and guitar strings. I mix it up and just sit, pray, meditate, that sorta thing. I found a great place, too. The problem? Ethel don't want to. Given our natural proclivities, we'd be out raping and pillaging if it weren't for that stuff.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
5PM And That Whip Over There
Customer: Why does the leather look like this on the the boot? Does this mean it's shit?
Sales girl: Well, I...
Customer: It's shit, isn't it? Tell me they're shit.
Sales girl: ...their shit?
Customer: Perfect, I'll take them.
Shoe Shop
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Confused
4PM So I Eat at School Cafeterias on a Regular Basis
Police officer (signing to the tune of Animal Crackers in My Soup): I like maggots in my soup...
Police Department
Randolph, New Jersey
3PM Just Imagine Fonzie on Water Skis
Office drone #1: So, I jumped the shark.
Office drone #2: You what?
Office drone #1: I jumped the shark. It's when...it's a metaphor, look it up on the internet.
Office drone #2: So, there was a shark?
42nd & 3rd Ave
New York City, New York
2PM From Now on It's Just Sheep and Toasters for Me
Coworker to tech support: All I did was stick it in and now I can't get it out. I hate fucking computers!
Brampton
Ontario
Canada
Overheard by: Tim
1PM Why Do You Think We Hired Her?
Female account exec #1: How do you pronounce Leslie's* last name?
Female account exec #2: "Scrotum?"
Female account exec #1: "Screwum?"
Female account exec #2: I guess there's a lot of bad ways you can pronounce her name.
New York City, New York
12PM Then I Caned Her for Showing Emotion
Boss on phone: So my friend said, "I found myself sobbing at my desk at 1 am on a Saturday" and I told her, "welcome to the non-profit sector!" (breaks down into uncontrollable laughter)
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
11AM Yup, Puréed It and Poured It on My Granola
Manager: Why does it smell like salami in here?
Tech: I ran out of milk, so I had to have salami for breakfast.
Manager: Uhh...what?
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: fleeing from the salami stench
10AM I Have a Three-Second Memory Span, Like a Goldfish
Suit to friend: Nobody at work knows I have pierced nipples. Including me.
Fair Lakes, Virginia
9AM I Heard You Enjoy the Broadband
Male cube dweller: Seth finally drilled my hole last night.
Female cube dweller: What?
Male cube dweller: Seth finally drilled a hole in my wall, so I can have cable.
Female cube dweller: That sound better.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: greasymittens
5PM And What About the Coin Ship in Mario 3?
Coworker: My aunt refuses to get on a ferry. So I asked her why, and she said it's because they always sink. And I said, "When do you ever hear about ferries sinking?" and she said, "The ones coming up from Cuba! They sink all the time!"
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
4PM Or in My General Direction
Coworker, sighing: I don't mind if you talk in the office as long as you're not talking to me...
Broadway & Waverly
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Emily
3PM He's Still the Best Darned Birthday Clown I've Ever Seen
President: I don't care if he shoved it up his ass to see if it would come out of his mouth! It doesn't fuckin' matter!
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
2PM Guess How Many Box Pun Quotes We Receive Daily. Just Guess
(two event planners are looking at their supply boxes for upcoming events)
Planner #1: My box is so full! I didn't realize there was so much stuff squeezed into my box.
Planner #2: Me either! But I don't like all these things that were put in my box. Who has been sticking stuff in my box? I don't like when people stick stuff in my box without asking me first.
Planner #1: We need to tell people to start leaving our boxes alone.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: You Better Leave My Box Alone!
1PM The Bit That Would Have Involved Talking to You
Annoyed boss, barging in to cubicle: You ignored my call?
Worker, glancing at phone: Huh? Oh...yeah, a little bit.
Morris Plains, New Jersey
12PM Try Yahoo
Fuddy duddy: Now, what website does one go to to "google" something?
Suwanee, Georgia
11AM Ad: From the Henhouse to the Crackhouse to Your House!
Sales director on phone: Geeze, people are after our chicken like crack. Our chicken is crack!
Ronks, Pennsylvania
10AM I Mean, I Wouldn't Want It to Bear My Children...
Interviewer: How do you feel about ambiguity?
Interviewee: Can you be more specific?
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: she wasn't kidding
9AM If Ever There Were a Need for a Longer Pause...
Cube dweller: Hey Liz*, wanna hear something crazy?
Liz*: Sure.
Cube dweller: That stock I bought is up 900% today.
Liz*: Which stock?
Cube dweller: That gay stock I bought! 900%!
Liz*: Gay stock...?
Cube dweller: Yeah--that gay tv network stock. I knew it! Gay tv, yes!
Liz*: Well, good for you...
Cube dweller: Man, my butt is so sore today...
Warren, Michigan
Overheard by: Your what is sore?!
5PM And Thinking It Was Something You Should Try
Trim female coworker: How was your weekend?
Overweight female coworker: It was okay... Ooh! I thought of you yesterday. I was taking a bath...
Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM Last Time I Tried That, My Cubicle Looked Like a Crime Scene
Shipping manager: What's wrong with you, little bit? I ain't seen you smile all day.
Short order entry lady: I got my period, so I'm in a bad mood.
Shipping manager: Well, you need to shake it off! Shake the devil off ya!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Doesn't have the Devil in her
3PM From True Life: I Have a Telekinetic Boyfriend
Female coworker: My boobs keep moving!
New York City, New York
2PM ...Combined with the Adult Diaper Jokes
Emergency operator #1: Hello? Hello? (hangs up phone) Whoops!
Emergency operator #2: Uh oh, what happened?
Emergency operator #1: Oh, some lady wanting to donate adult diapers just hung up on me.
Emergency operator #2: Weird, was she mad cuz we don't take donations?
Emergency operator #1: Nah, I think it was the calling her "sir" that did it.
Red Cross Call Center
San Diego, California
1PM The Joe Pesci Show Comes to Washington
Employee to boss: Would you like for me to list the listings?
Boss to employee: That's a bit redundant, don't you think?
Employee: Who you callin' retarded?!
Pennsylvania Ave
Washington, DC
12PM I Mean, How Much Tooth Enamel Do I Need?
Secretary #1: You know, purging...it's gross, but it works.
Secretary #2: Yeah, and it only takes a few weeks to work.
Secretary #3: Whatever it takes, I guess.
Atlanta, Georgia
11AM With Baby Kangaroos
Editor #1: Look at what my mom got me! A Chanel handbag!
Editor #2: Sigh. All my parents ever get me is jewelry!
Editor #1: Yeah, but this bag is really practical. It has pockets.
San Francisco, California
10AM I'm Trying to Get the Visual Just Right
Boss: It was some chick college...
Minion: I have to ask, was it an Asian chick college?
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: outside laughing
9AM Why Dixie Cups Were Invented
Woman (regarding missing eggs): They're having wet dreams down south!
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Gina
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