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5PM If You Could Cut Them Up Into Rolling Paper, That Would Be Great.
CPA: This pile here is a bunch of bad deals I made when I was taking drugs...
New Jersey
4PM They Tried to Protect Me from the Horrors of White-Flour Noodles
Girl: Did you ever eat SpaghettiO's when you were a kid?
Guy: No, my parents loved me.
Grocery Store
Vancouver, Washington
3PM Why College Health Services Are Universally Terrible
Clinician, after drinking from sports bottle: Man, nothing is worse than bad tequila.
ASU Student Health
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: Auntie Maim
2PM You Do Know They Grow, Right?
Coworker to pregnant CRS: So, are you excited to have your baby?
Pregnant CRS: Yeah...I guess...kinda nervous.
Coworker: Why are you nervous?
Pregnant CRS: Because once I have a baby, I'll always have a baby. Like, forever.
Salt Lake City, Utah
1PM Or Did He End Up in Politics?
Man on phone: How's your brother doing? Is he incarcerated somewhere?
Detroit, Michigan
12PM At the Synchronized Wine Drinkers' Caucus
Boss to group: I want to congratulate our rhythm and robustness!
Group:(looking around confused)
St Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: Not Congratulated
11AM To Be Fair, You Are Drinking a Mint Julep Right Now
Boss: So what school did you go to again?
Worker: The University of Illinois.
Boss: Right...that's an Ivy League school, right?
Worker: (stunned silence)
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM At Least They Didn't Give You Mayo
Black office worker after getting lunch: Teriyaki sauce? Sweet and sour sauce? No BBQ sauce? How am I supposed to eat my chicken nuggets, don't they know I'm black?
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
9AM When Enough Venom Builds Up, I Figure She'll Explode
Office girl: Yeah, my mom is on AIM. I blocked her.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Love my job
5PM Because I Just Had a Duluxembourger for Lunch
Office idiot: Dublin and Luxembourg is two different places, right?
Wall Street
New York City, New York
4PM A Feat I've Been Attempting for Years
Employee: So, I know that we don't normally do this, but my father in law is sick and I need to telecommute from here. Is that okay?
Boss on speaker phone: Well, I guess telecommuting is acceptable for this week, but try not to let the situation go on much longer.
Employee to husband after, hanging up the phone: I think he just told me to kill your father.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: I don't know that I have that kind of power!
3PM They're the Wind Beneath My Woodwind
Professor: I like nuns. Nuns taught me to the play the clarinet. So I love nuns!
Suffolk County Community College, New York
Overheard by: Rachel
2PM The Latest Fad
Boss: I think I'm going to start keeping a supply of Bailey's in my desk to mix with my coffee to make the day more bearable.
Surprised secretary: Seriously?
Boss: Not really, but it would be awesome.
Secretary: I guess it would make it better.
Boss: Like two cups...then you would be set for the day. And plus, your tolerance would be higher preparing you for the weekend. It's two birds with one stone.
Secretary: Wanna go at lunch?
Judicial Drive
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Can I Come With?
1PM Thank God I Always Buy Mules in Bulk
Tech: I came home last night and my right ass was killing me! I had to sit on my left ass!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Server-tron
12PM A Lot Like Our Last Family Picnic
Factory worker, checking the weather: It's raining watermelons and crack babies out there.
Blue Ash, Ohio
Overheard by: overtime on the line
11AM The Point Is, It Would Make Me Happy If You'd Stop Hitting on Me
Straight guy: And why would I be happy turning gay?
Straight girl: Duh!
Straight guy #2: "Gay" means "happy!"
Straight guy: (silence)
Straight guy #2: "Gay" also means "gay."
Straight guy: I fail to see your point.
Quorum Drive
Addison, Texas
10AM The Photocopier Picked My Pocket
Session leader: Now at this point, if you've been convicted guilty of a felony crime, I'll have to ask you to leave.
(one woman starts to walk out of crowded auditorium, abruptly stops halfway)
Woman: Oh, wait! What is counterfeiting?
Session leader: Mam, were you guilty?
Woman: Yes. Oh, wait. No. The trial's still going on.
Mebane, North Carolina
9AM You Can Pool Your Ignorance, but It Never Turns Into Milk
Male: No, I'm sure it said "buffalo mozzarella."
Female #1: Well, I know mozzarella is made from cow's milk.
Male: Maybe it's from Buffalo, NY.
Female #1: Is that where mozzarella is from?
Male: Maybe.
Female #2: Is goat cheese made from goats?
Waitress: No, usually from the milk.
Seattle, Washington
5PM They Brought Popcorn to the Sexual Harassment Video, and Hooted
Male worker to another: Damn, look at that girl's ass on MySpace!
Female worker: Could you guys do this somewhere else?
Male worker: Nope, you see, this office is just like the guys' locker room and you just happen to be working here.
Washington, DC
4PM I Place the Blame Squarely on Israel
Female peon: It's freezing in here!
Male peon: You're kidding, it's like 95 degrees!
Female peon: We're not all sweating alcohol like you.
Male peon: You're kidding! I'm a Muslim, I don't drink...well, I'm a Muslim on weekdays. Wait, I guess through Thursday evening... No, I guess only at work.
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Even at a Picnic You Try to Micromanage Me
Manager giving out hot dogs at company picnic: Why don't you pry open your buns there so I can slide my meat in?
Milton Mall
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: amused worker
2PM What's Your Position on Underwear, Then?
Manager to another: No Pants Tuesday. Think of how productive we would be without the confining feeling of slacks! You don't even have to wear dungarees, or as I like to call them, "dungs."
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Andréa Cecil
1PM Because It Might Get Scalded by the Steamer
Boss: Why is this steamer hanging out on the sales floor?
Employee: Just in case some customers want to wear their clothes out, we can steam them.
Boss: Well, why don't I just walk around with my dick out in case someone wants to suck it?
Coconut Grove, Florida
12PM It's a Supernatural Three's Company
Coworker: How many people in your household?
Client: 3 souls and 1 body.
Duluth, Minnesota
11AM And I'm Sorry You Walked in While I Was "Being Strategical"...
Senior sales VP: I need to set apart a set amount of time every day so I'm not bothered. That's the time I need to be strategical.
Fort Myers, Florida
10AM Are You Wearing Your Eight-Hour Diaper Suit?
Upper manager: Thomas* should be in, so maybe you'll be able to take a bathroom break before then.
Middle manager: Gosh, how generous of you!
Upper manager: Hey, I care about our employees (three seconds pause) and the floors in our stands.
Hershey, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: GottaGo
9AM Another Reason Not to Take Advice from People with Footwear Issues
Guy with loafers but no socks on cell: Hi son, it's me. Am I going to see you at the club tonight, or are you staying home? Oh, okay. So did you switch your class schedule? So now you're taking gym instead of business law? Terrific! That's great. Okay, see you soon. Bye.
New Haven, Connecticut
Overheard by: who calls their son
5PM Then I'll Go Take the Dunce Cap Off the Coffee-Maker
Copier guy (about malfunctioning copier): I'm going to turn this copier off for a while so it can think about itself.
San Francisco, California
4PM Learned It in Prison
Female cube dweller: We're moving next week, but it's taking forever to get everything packed. Michael is such an anal packer.
Charleston, South Carolina
3PM Suddenly I Feel Like I'm Back in Amsterdam
Confused customer: So is there a line? How do I get someone to wait on me?
Helpful older customer: Oh, you just wait for a loose lady to come and help you.
York, Maine
2PM ...in the Words of Calista Flockhart's Nutritionist
Female employee #1: You wouldn't believe the number of loan apps on my desk today--it's brutal.
Female employee #2: Yeah, it's either fast or famine around here...fast or famine.
Albany, New York
1PM Essentially, I'll Be Submerging Her in a Tub
Large lesbian boss to employee: I'm going to give her a mouthful... Uhm...I mean a...uhm, eyeful, uhm...wait, earful. I'm going to give her an earful.
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Trying not to picture it
12PM Aren't People from Outside the US Supposed to Be Good Spellers?
CSR: May I have your name, please?
Customer: It's "Kathy."
CSR: Just to verify, that's "k" for Kansas, "a" for apple, "t" for Tom, "h" for Harry, and "y" for, ummm...uhh...Wyoming?
Customer: Correct.
Quezon City
Philippines
11AM Now I Just Work, Go Home, and Cry Myself to Sleep
Girl: I gave up dick for lent.
Jericho, New York
10AM I Told You We Shouldn't Have Hired a Nun
Male teen: I sent her to get it, but you know you can't trust Lisa with cheap beer.
Rogers, Arizona
Overheard by: Joel
9AM Ed Crosses Another Border
Receptionist: You think that's ghetto? This morning I straight-up taped my bra straps to my shoulders! Here, listen. (crinkles tape under shirt)
Spicewood Springs Road
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Nator
5PM I Miss High School
Girl at register: There's no time for crazy anal tonight. There's never time for crazy anal.
Ridgewood, New Jersey
Overheard by: but i like crazy anal...
4PM Last Time It Took Us Days to Get the Feathers Out of the Ceiling
Disgruntled programmer: I would cut the head off a chicken right now and perform a Santeria ritual in order to get this program to work!
Newtown, Pennsylvania
3PM Can We Write Up a Work Order?
Agent, about client: She is just as nice as pie! I swear, she should get pregnant more often.
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM And They Get Course Credit for It?
Physician on phone: They throw darts at each other's butts?!
32nd St
New York City, New York
1PM Dealing with Foul-Mouthed Jerks All Day
Customer: Man, you have a shitty fucking job.
Sales rep: Yeah.
Whitcoulls
Lower Hutt
New Zealand
Overheard by: You Bet I Did
12PM I Accidentally Swallowed Another Memo
Boss to employee: Read between my lips.
Queens, New York
Overheard by: Socket
11AM Unless Your Keyboard's Been Circumflexed
Boss: You have to press the asserkist key. It's on top of the 8.
Nanaimo
BC
Canadia
10AM Lube and Oil Change?
Coworker discussing photos from a client: We really need some more photos of people being serviced.
Ad Agency
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Tom
9AM You Know, I Have the Same Problem at Home
Employee (during global teleconference with CEO): I don't have a question, but I just wanted to thank you for the opportunity to work here. Although I am deaf, it hasn't stopped me from having a chance of proving myself.
CEO: I appreciate your comment. That is a subject that is near and dear to my heart, since I have a son who is deaf.
Employee: What?
New Jersey
Overheard by: Snickering
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