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5PM And I Think I Saw a Priest Carrying Holy Water
Editor: Alright, I'm outta here, have a nice night.
Reporter: Be careful! It's sunny out there!
Manahawkin, New Jersey
Overheard by: inothernews
4PM It's Times Like This a Man Really Craves a Cigarette
Manager: Finally finished after the system went down on me, twice.
Omaha, Nebraska
3PM And If Pus Is Involved, Back Slowly Away.
Office manager on phone: Well, maybe you don't want to touch it at all. You don't know until you get down there and look at it.
Sterling Heights, Michigan
2PM If You Have to Ask, You'll Never Know
Guy: I have to go see my mom, she just had her hip replaced.
Intern: Where is "hipper place"?
New York City, New York
Overheard by: JDS
1PM And We'd Have Unlimited Wine!
Coworker helping boss: If I was Jesus, you'd be washing your hands right now.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Time
12PM "Poor Lewis," I'll Say, 'Didn't Even Know His Own Name."
Supervisor: I'll just call you Phil.
Temp called Tom*: Please don't.
Supervisor: Fine, how about I call you Lewis?
Maylands Avenue
Hertfordshire
England
11AM When Art-History Majors Enter the Workforce
Teller #1: How am I over my cash limit? I just transferred you $30,000!
Teller #2: Did you put the transfer through right?
Teller #1: Yeah! I had $60,000. How am I still over my limit of $20,000?
Teller #2: You had $60,000.
Teller #1: Yes.
Teller #2: And you transferred me $30,000.
Teller #1: Uh huh.
Teller #2: What does that leave you with?
Teller #1: Oooooh...
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: They handle your money, people!
10AM Or Rub Them on Your Sensitive Areas
Title clerk #1: Are those Doritos spicy?
Title clerk #2: Oh, they're only spicy when you eat them.
New Philadelphia, Ohio
Overheard by: ORLY?
9AM You Could Be a Finance Wizard!
Kid with glasses: ...and the last one comes out on Saturday!
Biker-looking dad: Would you stop with your Harry Potter dorkiness? Why can't you be obsessed with something worthwhile? Like personal finance!
Aberdeen, Maryland
5PM Yes, But Things Move Slower in the South
Shipping clerk: What time is it in Virginia? Are they ahead of us or behind us?
Shipping manager: They're to the right of us.
Shipping clerk: Huh?
Shipping manager: Virginia is on the East Coast. The same east that the sun rises on.
Shipping clerk (after some thought): Okay, so it's earlier there?
Shipping manager: No, it's later by one hour.
Shipping clerk (after a little more thought): How can it be later in Virginia if the sun is still rising there? It's been up here for a few hours now!
Des Moines, Iowa
4PM Scooby-Doo: Ruh-Roh, Raggy!
Four-year-old boy: Mom...mom, I have to go potty.
Mom: Okay... Just a minute.
Four-year-old boy: Mom... Mom...I have to gooooo.
Mom: Okay...I said in just a minute.
Grandmother (standing up): I'll take him.
Mom: That's okay, I'll take him.
(grandmother turns away to sit down)
Four-year-old boy: Mom, I just gotta go to!
Mom: Okay honey... Just hold it for one second!
Four-year-old boy: Hold what?
Mexican Restaurant
Huntsville, Alabama
Overheard by: Melonia S
3PM We've Already Outsourced Much of Your Work to That Coatrack
Cubicle drone #1 (while physically beating cubicle drone #2): You could be replaced by a rubber tree plant!
Bowmanville
Ontario
Canadia
2PM Mr. Magoo Wouldn't Listen, Though
Boss in hallway (with hand on doorknob): Are you joining me in this conference room?
Peon: That's the closet.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: just another peon
1PM Like My Cat
Coworker #1: Yes, I am so sick of this dog... and I haven't even taken it home yet.
Coworker #2: Wait until it starts peeing and pooping all over the place. Puppies do that until you get them trained.
Coworker #1: I wish it could just watch a tape and be trained.
River Road
Conshohocken, Pennsylvania
12PM So I Can Write It on a Tissue and Then Blow My Nose
Customer: Can you please put me on your do-not-call list?
Telemarketer: Sure... how do you spell that?
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Bored!
11AM In Fact, Let's Go to the Bar for Some "Medication" Right Now
Assistant: I heard you told someone in the office that we're all on medication here. I take offense to that. I'm not on medication.
Boss: You should be. It gets you through the day so much easier.
Connecticut
10AM Did She Just Give Me an Insider Horse-Racing Tip?
CSR: Okay, is there anything else?
Underling: No that's it.
CRS: Okay... you have a good day.
Underling: You have a winning day with Jesus!
CSR: Uh... sure, you too.
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM Not Improperly Sore, Like I Was in Prison
Manager on phone: How was my day off? Well, I'm properly sore now.
Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Doug's Mom
5PM He Hibernates for Two Months a Year
Coworker #1: Who else do we know that's born in February?
Coworker #2: Marilyn's the 26th.
Coworker #1: You sure?
Coworker #2: Yes, because her birthday's right after Thanksgiving.
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Faydra
4PM Spoken Like Someone Who Didn't Go to an NYC Public School
Coworker: Supposedly it's called "wanger." You know, what people used to call each other in the 5th grade?
New York City, New York
3PM Her Preschooler Goes Around Singing SexyBack
Manager strolling through office (singing): "Head, shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes. Head, shoulders knees and toes..."
Hertfordshire
England
2PM And All My Good Silverware Was Missing
Male coworker to another: I woke up this morning and you weren't there.
7th St
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Phone Slave
1PM But Can You Take This?
Op: You know what would make a great pet?
Ernie: No, what?
Op: A badger.
Ernie: Yeah, great. Great at ripping human flesh off.
Op: Exactly, burglar protection.
Ernie: No, I was talking about your flesh.
Op: Oh... I can take it.
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM You Upload Separately Your Letters of Hors D'oeuvres
Guy: You need to get one of them "faux pas" things, they won't even consider you if you don't have one. You need to go to the web site and turn them in a "faux pas."
Girl: Do you mean a "resume"?
Medical Center
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Annie Mosity
11AM Can't Wait 'til the Official Language Of the U.S. Becomes Southern
Secretary on phone: How am I? I'm finer than a frog's hair split four ways.
(pause) I *said* I'm... finer... than... a... frog's... hair... split... four... ways.
(pause) It means I'm miserable!
Virginia Tech
Blacksburg, Virginia
10AM Harry Potter Stands Forlornly, Clasping a Squeegee
Busy mother on phone: No, I don't want some damn wizard to clean up my desktop. I said no, go away.
Satellite Boulevard
Duluth, Georgia
9AM People Without Boundaries Are Everywhere
Manager to employee: Yeah, just put it right in there... It's okay, I got tested this morning! (15 minutes later) Oh, it's infectious. I have to put cream on it.
Ybor City, Florida
5PM Freedom Means We Can Use Any Colors We Want
Peon: What colors do we use for the Fourth of July?
Briarcrest & 29th
Bryan, Texas
4PM Now Everyone Pick Up Your Buckets and Start Bailing
Company owner trying to allay fears: We are not a sinking ship! This company is worth $700,000. It's hard to sink a $700,000 ship!
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: BrainFuzz
3PM You're Depleting a Precious Natural Resource
Payroll girl on phone: No, we can't find the time cards... No, she didn't lose them... Hahahahaha. (to secretary who lost time cards) George says your butt sucks major canal water!
Secretary who lost time cards: What!?
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM I'm Telling You, South Africans Do Not Play
Client staring at fish in tank: They are pretty when they swim around.
Hostess: Would you like to join them, sir?
Sandton
Johannesburg
South Africa
1PM I Did My Doctoral Thesis on Everybody Poops
Coworker to office: I love poo: poo is my favorite subject!
Belfast
Northern Ireland
Overheard by: Ally Beare
12PM Ask the Adult Film Industry
Teen intern: Is dirt alive?
Suitland, Maryland
11AM We're Always Semi-Happy to See You, Sir
Elderly man, yelling at pharmacist: What the hell do I need a 90-day supply for? How do I know I'm going to live for another 90 days? Change this to a 30-day supply. If I need more, I'll come back!
CVS Pharmacy
Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
10AM The Airing-Out Process Takes at Least Four Days
(on casual Friday)
Female employee to male employee: So you only wear pants on Fridays?
Wooded Acres Drive
Waco, Texas
9AM Hey, In San Francisco, It's a Capital Crime
Female office dolt: Oh my god! I need to put my sweater away before I get fined!
Water Street
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Cubicle Gnome
5PM Which Is Common Practice in the Bronx
Data entry thug: Your family has a practice, and the practice is to bend you over backwards and fuck you as hard as they can.
Bronx
New York City, New York
Overheard by: glad I'm not related
4PM In American Life Sex and Violence Are Inextricably Linked
Coworker #1: You know, shoot them with shotguns, like with tranquilizers.
Coworker #2: Bang! Bang! (makes shotgun motions)
Coworker #3: That's how the doctor put in my IUD.
Omaha, Nebraska
3PM Baby Hercules Surprised Everybody
Man on cell: He put you into a headlock and gave you a noogie? (pause) You realize our son is eight months old? (pause) Okay, almost nine months but still he can barely move his fingers, let alone put you into a headlock.
Founders Plaza
East Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Bamber
2PM Is That the Word on the Street?
Office executive: Did you hear that 38th Street is like, the new... Street?
W 38th St
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
1PM I'll Do My Best to Live Up to That. Now
Boss: You're out smoking again? I thought you were quitting?
Assistant: I start taking the Chantix tomorrow morning, smoke for a week and throw the cigarettes away and double the dose.
Boss: Okay, can I give you shit for it?
Assistant: All you want, I'll be a complete bitch and make your life hell.
Boss on intercom: Everyone, you have the next 2 months off: assistant is going to be a bigger bitch than usual.
Fountain Valley, California
12PM I Think We Still Have an Inflatable Gladiator Ring Around Here Somewhere...
(two bosses are arguing)
Coworker #1: They are going to kill each other.
Coworker #2: Good, then we don't have to be bothered with them anymore.
School of Dentistry
University of Michigan
Overheard by: I love my job, I love my job, I love my job
11AM Perhaps Some Silver Bullets or a Stake
Distressed older coworker: I don't get it. I unplugged my computer last night and I'm still getting e-mails. I don't know what I have to do to stop them.
Pensacola, Florida
10AM The Boss May Have Delegated His Digestion to Me
(toilet, stall to the left)
Coworker: Corn? Corn? When did I have corn?
Harrisburg , Pennsylvania
Overheard by: in between stalls
9AM Or Risk Looking Less Like an American
Manager: I'm going to go take my break now. I have to feed my fat roll.
Borthwick Avenue
Portsmouth, New Hampshire
Overheard by: I have one too
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