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5PM Good Thing Love Conquers All
New bride: So now I am changing my last name to Smith.
Negative co-worker: Oh! You will have problems with identity theft with that name... It's so common.
New bride: Oh no, it's okay, I put my old drivers license in the safety deposit box.
Crooks Road
Troy, Michigan
4PM Why Bondage Suits Were Banned from Casual Fridays
(sound of whip cracking)
Next cubicle coworker: Ahh, my eye!
Mission Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Ian
3PM And Then He Solved Me
Coworker #1: So how did you meet your boyfriend?
Coworker #2: On match.com.
Coworker #1: Oh, really?
Coworker #2: Yeah, he did a search for Rubik's cube, and I was the only name who came up!
Hudson St
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
2PM Whatever Happened to "It's Funny Because It's True"?
White office dude: What do a roll of sod and a 200-pound white chick have in common?
Mexican office dude: I dunno. What?
White office dude: Sooner or later they both get laid by a Mexican.
Mexican office dude: You know, that joke would be really funny if it weren't so true.
Employee Parking Garage
Downers Grove, Illinois
1PM Tonight, on Sim Possible...
Befuddled coworker to supervisor: The good news is I developed a system so that I wouldn't lose any more SIM cards. The bad news is I lost one.
Independence Parkway
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: Jet Jaguar
12PM I Finally Had to Call Security on That Blue Muppet with the Weird Googly Eyes
Office worker: Okay, who started the cookie rumor? I have 45 people coming to my desk asking me for some cookies that I made!
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: maryk
11AM Sure, Just Fill Out a Freudian Slip
Boss on cell: Is T&A an option? Uh... No, I meant "time and expense." Is T&E an option?
New York City, New York
Overheard by: It's ALWAYS an option
10AM I Know What You Did Last Mother's Day Had a Bone-Chilling Effect on Audiences
Secretary #1: How was your mother's day?
Secretary #2: Oh, my mother is dead.
Secretary #1: I know. (hyena laugh)
Townsend St
San Francisco, California
9AM Wait-- What's Wrong with a Handjob During Golden Girls?
Supervisor (in a sing-song voice): Sex with Steven is more boring than church.
Employee #1: (humming along)
Supervisor: Sex with Steven is like...a handjob during Golden Girls.
Employee #1: Sex with Steven is like getting off on a baby carrot.
Employee #2: A baby pickle.
Employee #1: Whatever. Sex with Steven is...like an orgy with old people.
(pause)
Supervisor : You took it too far.
Hamilton
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: some girl.
5PM Of a Doubleheader?
Sales girl, shouting to assistant: I told him I would just drink and drive the whole time, and maybe play the back end.
28th Street
New York City, New York
4PM These Aren't Sufficiently LensCrafty
Woman wearing glasses straining to read document: Ugh! I need glasses.
San Diego, California
3PM I Can Probably Make It to the River
Large woman looking in bathroom stall: Lord, I can't even fit in there! I'm just gonna hold it.
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
2PM Tonight's Movie: Office Spaces
Female estimator: My boss is going to deep dive me on this tomorrow. He knows where all my holes are.
Everett, Washington
1PM Can You Ask Derek in Accounting If He Wants to Join Me?
Female coworker: You're my best friend and I love you and all but I just really don't want to Wikipedia Greek porn with you ever again.
Male coworker: It's not porn, it's art! They're etchings.
Female coworker: Whatever. Ewwww.
Male coworker: Seriously. Wow. Ewww. (looks around room) Ummm, yeah, I think I need to go cry in the executive shower.
McKemmy
Chandler, Arizona
12PM More Like a Donkey Punch, Really
Female Facebook coworker: My old professor just Facebooked me.
Male non-Facebook coworker: That sounds wrong. Is that like a dirty Sancho or something?
Female Facebook coworker: It's Sanchez. And no.
Wacker Drive
Chicago Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
11AM Or Are You Still Pounding It Out?
Editor to legal reporter: Did you write the story about whether sex was a major life activity?
Crystal City, Virginia
10AM Preschool Admissions Criteria Get More Daunting by the Day
Serious nurse: ...but, I'd be lying if I said bloodlust didn't have a lot to do with it.
Hospital
Manchester, Tennessee
Overheard by: Mouse
9AM Unless There's Cake. Unless There's Cake
Woman on intercom: David*, to the back office. David*, to the back office, please.
David*on intercom: No, I don't want to. No, I don't want to.
Kinko's
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: The Flying Aspidistra
5PM At the Regional Conference of Elementary School Teachers
Director to underling: So you're trying to tell me that you work in this industry and you don't have an alcohol or substance-abuse problem!?
Broadway
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Garrett
4PM Even Though He'll Probably Go Apeshit
Manager to worker on phone with customer: Tell him we ain't got a monkey, and don't know when the stock's coming in.
Hemel Hempstead
England
Overheard by: Do we sell monkeys?
3PM You're Not Properly Formatted
(coworker is walking down the corridor with 3-D glasses on)
Girl: That's a bit odd. Does he realize he's only going to see things in color, not in 3-D?
Guy: You didn't just say that.
Girl: What?
Guy: Well, how many dimensions do you think I am?
Girl: One.
Portland, Oregon
2PM I Totally Respect the Fact That We'll Never Speak Again
Female coworker #1: I just don't trust people who are openly trying to tear me down.
Female coworker #2: Probably a good instinct.
Big Beaver
Troy, Michigan
1PM "Candy Left Over from Christmas" Is So Much Less Exciting Now
Boss to secretary: You know what I still have?
Secretary: Herpes.
Boss: Uh, err, get back to work!
Mullica Hill Road
Glassboro, New Jersey
12PM Little Did I Know It Was a Splenda Snickers
Editor (talking about diabetic colleague): So, around five o'clock he walks by and he's holding a candy bar--a Snickers--and I'm like, what is this? Suicide? If he goes into convulsions, I'm just going to gather my stuff and stroll out of here.
Newsroom
Stafford, New Jersey
Overheard by: inothernews
11AM Dude, Red Would Totally Clash with This
Conductor #1: I found a purse back there, I'm taking it up front.
(walks through the cars)
Conductor #2 on PA: Attention passengers, if anyone has a pair of red high heels to match Alan's* new bag please see him in the first car.
MARC Train
Brunswick, Maryland
10AM Who Else Thought That Said "12 Year Old"?
Woman: Yeah, he was the 12 year one night stand. (pause) God, I can't even be a ho right!
Warrenville Road
Downers Grove, Illinois
Overheard by: Jeny
9AM Tonight's Movie: Dirty, Unsexy Money
Drunk girl: How am I going to get home? I don't have enough money! Oh, except for the thousands of dollars falling out of my ass.
Chicago, Illinois
5PM How Pillsbury Motivates Its Commercial Actors
Director, shouting from inside her office: Just eat the damn strudel and shut up!
Moline, Illinois
Overheard by: Dzesika
4PM Since We Already Play Poker With My Sobriety Chips
Coworker: I forgot to bring a water bowl for [my dog], do you have anything?
Boss, cheerily: You can use my "15 years sober" bowl!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
3PM Or Get a Nicer Bib
Manager: Yes, but I still dribble a bit.
Subordinate: Well, you may wanna have a doctor take a look at that.
Okemos, Michigan
Overheard by: yawp
2PM And They Keep Slipping Out Of the Child Seats
Cube dweller #1: You've worked with giraffes?
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, transporting them is a real pain. They go in an open trailer, and every time you get to an overpass, you have to either let air out of all the tires to fit under it, or you have to stop, back them out of the trailer, walk them around the overpass, get them back in the trailer... It takes forever to get anywhere.
Cube dweller #1: Can't you just teach them to duck?
Cube dweller #2: (long pause) Not at those speeds.
Pearl Street
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Explains giraffe-shaped divots in overpasses
1PM The "Hand in the Cookie Jar" Metaphor Was Getting Stale
Coworker on phone: That's 'cause your toes got stuck under the dresser.
New York Avenue
Washington, DC
12PM But His Ghost Sought Revenge, So It's All Good.
Rite Aid employee #1: My friend died last year, he was really sick, it was sad.
Rite Aid employee #2: Yeah man, my friend from high school recently passed away too.
Rite Aid employee #3 (in a Dominican accent): Yeah, that happened to my friend too. Actually, he did not die. Someone killed him.
Rite Aid
New York, New York
Overheard by: Marie Ziskin
11AM Care to See My Jubilant Ribbon Dance?
Coworker #1: I've got a velvet shirt. Actually, it's velour.
Coworker #2: What the fuck? Either way, who owns a velvet or velour shirt?
Coworker #1: I celebrate all fabrics.
International Place
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: like velour too
10AM You Have to Celebrate the Little Things
Joyous cube dweller: Yay! My ass works!
DIT
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: Across From The Shit Show
9AM Jon Lovitz, Is That You?
Nurse: Do you smoke?
Older man: No.
Nurse: Have you ever smoked?
Older man: Yes.
Nurse: And how many cigarettes a day did you smoke?
Older man: Uh, three. No, five. A pack.
Nurse: And when did you quit?
Older man: Uh, yesterday.
Nurse: You're still smoking, aren't you?
Older man: Yes.
Hospital
Harlem, New York
Overheard by: Natalie
5PM Heavy Drugs Should Take Care of Everything Else
Tech #1: You're going to need to help Ann*.
Tech #2: What's wrong with Ann*?
Tech #1: Well, that's a subject for long, intense discussion... But I think she needs help with her computer.
Storrs, Connecticut
Overheard by: J.McC
4PM Luckily Fruitcakes Last Forever
(long past June)
Receptionist: I haven't opened all my Christmas gifts yet. I just haven't had time.
Washington Navy Yard
Washington, DC
3PM More Accurately, My Vibrator and I Are Going to Try
Cubicle dweller on phone: I have no idea how I am going to live my life without you but effective tomorrow I am going to try.
Horizon Way
Irving, Texas
2PM He Doesn't Dig Me, I'm Afraid
Suit to intern: Why don't you have your boyfriend dig you out?
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
1PM A Giant Gathering of Ruby Tuesdays Employees?
Boss: Okay, before we cross that Rubicon ... Wait, does everyone know what the Rubicon was?
Minion: Yeah! It's the brain!
Boss: (blinks) Okay... Anyone else have a guess?
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: veni vidi deridei
12PM Not Sure That's the Correct Answer to "What Time Is It, Kids?"
Coworker about manager: What would I even say to him? Let's have sex again?
6th Avenue
New York City, New York
11AM That's Exactly What She Said
Male work-study student: I was gonna give a dozen roses to this girl I liked, but I decided not to. Do you want them?
Female full-time professional: If anyone's gonna give me 12 of anything it's gonna be inches.
University
El Paso, Texas
10AM Insert Obligatory "Cockpit" Joke Here
Prudish female lecturer of psychology: And so, we have to assess whether the pilot has the presence of mind to ejaculate from his seat during emergencies...
Selangor, Malaysia
9AM Although We Were Going for a Jaguar
Guest: Man, I really love your food!
Server: Thank you, sir.
Guest: It gives me the strength of a puma!
Server: Uh... thank you sir?
5th St
Cincinnati, Ohio
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