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5PM And Yet I Bear My Cross Bravely
TV host: I wish they'd separate my penne and my quiche.
TV producer: I know.
West Olympic Blvd
Los Angeles, California
4PM Wallace Can't Bear to Be Alone With His Thoughts
Coworker (loudly): Wow, it's really quiet in here!
Sales rep #1: Not anymore.
Sales rep #2: Shut up! You're ruining it!
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
3PM And the Best Part of a Married Man's Day
Phil: I just got back from the restroom... Harry was in a stall talking to somebody on the cell phone while shitting. Farting and flushing and talking. Then he didn't even wash his hands on the way out. Remind me to never ever ever borrow his phone.
Dan: I couldn't talk to somebody and poop at the same time. My poop time is my private time.
Huntsville, Alabama
2PM Your President Asked the Same Thing!
Teacher: This is David from Israel. Do you have any questions for David?
Senior student: Yes. Do you have air conditioning in your tents?
High School
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: IsraeliTexan
1PM If Them Too Educated, Them Have No Place Here
Project manager: With some of these clients, the question is, how educated are them?
Cleveland, Ohio
12PM Whose Brilliant Idea Was It to Give Lighters to the Fifth Graders' Caucus?
Boss: If they're not burning their boobs on strippers, they're running off to the school board office!
Belle Chasse Highway
New Orleans, Louisiana
Overheard by: needs more coffee
11AM But Was I Taking Pictures?
Young male intern (serious): You know, since I've been sober, my photography is way better.
Young female receptionist: You were drunk at my party three days ago.
Young male intern: I was?
Roan Street
Johnson City, Tennessee
10AM And Never the Twain Shall Meet
Underling: I had something I need to talk to you about, but I can't remember it now.
Boss (grinning): Well, I'm not in your head so...
Underling: I need you inside my head.
Boss (grimacing): Uh...I don't think I want...
Underling (interrupting): No, the work side, not the porn side.
Route 9
Framingham, Massachusetts
9AM But It's Clean and It Rhymes With "Celebrated"
Worker #1: Can you sign Louise's birthday card?
Worker #2 (reading card): You know, "decapitated" is one of those words that never looks like it's spelled right.
Chevy Chase Building
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Xen
5PM With Much Public Flailing-About, So Everyone Knows
Office consultant that everyone hates: Once I commit to something I tend to try to do it.
Community Co-op
Newark, New Jersey
4PM NewsFlash: Canadia's Economy Mysteriously Falters!
Geeky cashier: How are you pay'n for this?
Guy in a hurry: Cash.
Geeky cashier: Like cash, cash?
Guy in a hurry: What?
Best Buy
Newmarket
Ontario, Canadia
3PM Makes Me Feel Like I'm Right There at the Battle of Sorbet
Office Einstein: I'm gonna go over to that new Trader Joe's and get me some a that I-talian ice cream cuz I like history.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: steele skillz
2PM With Enough White Out I Could End Racial Intolerance
Office supplies clerk: Where is all double sided tape going?
Office peon (to other peon): One more roll for my left foot and I can scale the building like Spiderman.
Downtown Orlando, Florida
1PM Yeah, I've Got Millions of Dollars in a Bank Account for Them
Administrative assistant on phone: I was just calling because I have seventy five Nigerians in need of a campus tour, and I know you're good at that sort of thing.
University of Notre Dame, Indiana
12PM And You're Sure That's Where I Should Be Getting Fashion Tips?
Manager: Go home every day and watch Dukes of Hazzard. Problem solved.
Friendly's Ice Cream
Convent Station, New Jersey
11AM I Told Her She Has to Be at Least 14 Before She Does That
Admin assistant #1 (talking about her daughter's day camp): When I pick her up, I'm going to complain to the camp office. The counselors have these kids eating bugs as a fun, Fear Factor type of activity!
Admin assistant #2: Did your kid eat a bug?
Admin assistant #1: Yeah! Yesterday, she said she ate a butterfly!
Admin assistant #2: A butterfly? That's like eating a baby!
Fairfield, Ohio
10AM ...Before Taking the Walk of Shame Into the Office This Morning
Female cubicle rat: Oh my god, last night was insane! I had a lot of fun though. Hey, do you know if I was wearing underwear last night? (pause) Shutup, I am not a slut! (manic laugh) I could have sworn I had some on before I left the house. I'm itchy. I hope I didn't sit on something funky at the club.
Orange County, California
9AM That's Just the Place to Start Looking
Waiter #1: She's depressed and feels bad about herself. That's why she's a headmonster.
Waiter #2: Tell her the best place to find self-esteem is not squirting out the end of a dick.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM I Always Knew There Was Latent Phallic Imagery in The Smurfs
Thuggette: I don't know what a penis is for. I don't even know how to put a condom on. All you need to know is to put it in, take it out, wash it off, and go to sleep. It's a mushroom. A long-ass stink mushroom. Shit.
Washington, DC
4PM Don't Think for a Minute That Going Gay Will Help
Sales manager to marketing manager: Isn't it sad when you've spent so much time talking on the phone to customers during the day that you don't want to talk to your wife when you get home?
Marketing manager: No.
Sales manager to recently engaged co-worker: See, this is what you have to look forward to. During the first year you'll argue like crazy, then after that... You won't care anymore.
Tennessee
Overheard by: M&M
3PM It's a Corn-on-the-Cob Eating Contest, Dude
Tech #1: Should I bring tools?
Tech #2: Nah, you can use your teeth and fingers.
Tech #1: What do you mean?
Computer Repair Shop
Indiana
2PM You Can Break Into Any Pickup in the Parking Lot
Sales rep (to no one in particular): Yeah, the Dollar Tree is definitely the place to go for guns.
Broad Street
Augusta, Georgia
1PM But It's Humpday!
Boss: No, you can't hump Bill's leg.
Underling: Dammit!
Mound Court
Merrimack, New Hampshire
12PM At Least Stop Posting Them on Your Livejournal
Man entering bathroom, standing next to coworker at urinal: David*, you smell like suntan lotion. Have you been out tanning?
David*: I think you need to stop with your fantasies.
Men's Bathroom
Omaha, Nebraska
11AM War Veterans Always Win These Contests
Female office worker #1: I had a job stuffing envelopes and it destroyed my cuticles.
Female office worker #2: Yeah, I had one where I had to fold letters all day and I got a ton of paper cuts.
Only male in department: Oh, I have a story about a bloody hand job.
Troy, New York
Overheard by: Sneaker
10AM Well You Did Plan the Whole Funeral
Peon #1: Oh my god, who wrote "Happy birthday!" in the "Loss of your father" sympathy card?
Peon #2: Clearly it was Lance. Who else is that stupid?
Lance: What did I do? Oh, it's fine, let's just use Wite-Out, he won't know the difference.
Peon #2: Didn't you read the card? Or look at it? It's blue, how's "white" out supposed to fix it?
Lance: What, it's always someone's birthday around here, since when do we do sympathy cards?
Peon #1: Since my grandma died and you wrote "Thanks for all your hard work."
Arizona
Overheard by: Shocked in AZ
9AM And Your Porridge Is Too Hot, If You Catch My Drift
Student: This question doesn't make sense.
Professor: What do you expect? I'm not Goldilocks.
Every single student: What?
Professor: What? You're Goldilocks! You all are Goldilocks.
University of Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: All Three Bears
5PM Just Look Over There for a Minute
Manager: How is your monitor? It's not very old, right?
Cubicle chick: It works, yeah.
Manager: I'm going to get everyone flat screens eventually, but I'm going to do it two or three at a time.
Cubicle chick: Awesome!
Manager: But yours looks pretty good for now.
Cubicle chick: I can break it if you want me to.
Manager: I'd rather.... you didn't.
Cubicle chick: Gotcha.
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM Office Code for "She's Under My Desk"
Dude: Do you know where your wife is?
Sarge: How the fuck are you gonna walk in here on a Thursday morning, come in my fucking office, see that I'm in the middle of writing a fucking important letter, and ask me where the fuck someone else in this fucking building is. I'm sorry, where the fuck do you see a babysitter sign on my desk?
Dude: I'm sorry, I just...
Sarge: Where the fuck do you see it? Where's the fucking sign?
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Shaye
3PM Wish I Had Strippers in My Bathroom
Office girl #1: So this girl I don't know walks in on me while I'm in the shower and says "Oh, don't worry, I'm an ex-stripper so I've seen it all."
Office girl #2: Oh my god, what?!
Main Street
Akron, Ohio
2PM Bon Voyage
Customer service rep #1: I am soooo excited! I'm going to get my nails done as soon as I get off work. I am going to look so good for my trip this weekend!
Customer service rep #2: Wow, where are you going?
Customer service rep #1 (excitedly): Across the street!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Vicky
1PM Could You Do It Facing the Webcam This Time?
Anchor, supplying a plastic knife to another: Here, Will. Feel free to slather your banana.
Newsroom
New York City, New York
12PM A Beachball With Eyes
Administrator (filling water bottle at cooler): Hey.
Office worker (walking by): Hey.
Administrator: How are you?
Office worker: Good.
Administrator: How is the baby?
Office worker: Fat.
Hanover Square
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Mr. Uncreative
11AM He Also Refers to the Internet Cable As His "Lasso of Truth"
Boss: James, where's the flag?
Teenage employee: I don't know.
Boss: You were just wearing it around your shoulders.
Teenage employee: Oh, my superhero cape! It's right here.
BC
Canadia
10AM Like That One Time at Andy Dick's House
Worker getting up from corner of a desk: Oh my god, I think I sat on a nerve... My penis is numb! You know the technique "the stranger" where you sit on your hand?
Coworker: Yeah.
Numb worker: This is the opposite of that, it's like I have someone else's penis in my pants right now.
168th Street
Omaha, Nebraska
9AM Reader Poll: Who's the Winner Here?
Cubicle girl to coworker: Sometimes I just spin around in my chair for 15 minutes straight.
Coworker: Sometimes I trim my arm hair with my scissors.
Stockton, California
5PM The "Don't Ask? Do Tell!" Policy
Male naval officer (over speakerphone): Do you need me to come over there?
Male naval office #2 (two cubicles down): No, sir, I just got it up. Everything's fine.
Male naval officer (over speakerphone): Well, let me know if you need help and I'll send someone over.
Male naval office #2 (two cubicles down): Roger that, sir.
Pacific Fleet Headquarters
Pearl Harbor, Hawaii
Overheard by: Just a lowly contractor
4PM They're Both on Sale at Wal-Mart
Admin #1: I have to have my green tea to protect me from other people's colds!
Coworker: It's too early for cold season. Yes, do whatever it takes to stay healthy.
Admin #1: Yes, and I also like echinacea but dont have any.
Admin #2: Ah, I like euthanasia too.
(pause)
Admin #2: Wait, what's the difference between euthanasia and echinacea anyways?
Fairfield County, Connecticut
3PM The White Bear's Always Trying to Keep Us Down
Woman on the phone (groaning): What are they protesting this time? (pause) Are they protesting polar bears again?
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: who wouldn't protest?
2PM Is It Still Raining in Your House, Charlene?
Office dude: It's raining, I can hear it.
Office chick: Outside?
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Why does it always rain on me?
1PM I'm Just Making Sure They're Not Too Itchy
Manager swaying through office (at the top of his lungs): I'll have your panties for you in a minute!
Reynoldsburg, Ohio
Overheard by: Cube Dweller
12PM ...When Giving Your "Good Things Come in Threes" Lecture
PR director to sales manager: I hope you weren't thinking about my nipples.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: just keep walking
11AM Based on a Quick Look Under Your Hood
Young overly loud female coworker: Lots of women's uteruses fall out. (puts hand on extremely pregnant female coworker) Don't worry, that won't happen to you.
Bee Caves Road
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Just trying to eat my lunch
10AM Next Time Use the "Dying Fetus" Sound Effect
Assistant on phone: Hello, Lucy Smith*'s office. (pause) No, she's not available, she's out having an abortion. (pause) Sure, I'll give her the message. Have a good day. (hangs up)
Lucy (angry): What?! Who was that?!
Assistant: Some pro-life group asking for donations.
Lucy: Oh, okay, good work.
Lexington Avenue
New York City, New York
9AM The Bullseye-Shaped Mole Is Particularly Unfortunate
Male coworker, messing with SIRIUS Radio: How does everyone feel about dance music? Yes? No?
Female coworker: No.
Male coworker: I like it, it makes me feel like I'm clubbing. Except that I don't go clubbing anymore. I'm worried about getting stabbed.
Female coworker: Uh...
Male coworker: I can't help it.
Female coworker: I guess you do have a pretty stabbable face...
Chicago, Illinois
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