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5PM Consider an Infusion of Cash
Distracted CSR: Thank you for calling, my name is Aaron*, how can you help us today?
Airport Road
Scottsbluff, Nebraska
Overheard by: snorting coffee
4PM I Just Wanted Him to Look His Best For That Fruit of the Loom Audition
Boss: Did you draw on my banana?
Hofstra University
Long Island, New York
3PM And Only a Real Bastian Can Save Us
Office drone #1: Wow, look at the weather out the window!
Office drone #2: Oh my god, the nothing is coming!
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Neverending Story of Boredom
2PM Think Of The Killing Fields With American Cheese
Jaded tech writer: I'm just enabling you, man. And for what? For Egg McMuffins, man.
Tigard, Oregon
Overheard by: Sasha
1PM With or Without Sound?
Patron using computer: I want to print this. (points to screen)
Librarian, looking over patron's shoulder: You want to print that YouTube video?
Public Library
Atlanta, Georgia
12PM Although Mink Mocha Is Also Lovely
Dentist receptionist #1: What kind of coffee would you like? We have hazelnut, french roast...
Dentist receptionist #2: I could have sworn you just said: "weasel nut".
Dentist receptionist #1: That's my favorite flavor.
Duluth, Minnesota
Overheard by: Just waiting
11AM (It Doesn't Already Exist. We Checked.)
Person #1: Remember our old boss that nine people quit because of?
Person #2: Um, how could I not remember crazy McBitcherson?
Person #1: Well, two people have already quit because of her at her new job. My roommate works there.
Person #2: Wow. Someone should start a blog about her and entitle it: "That bitch is whack".
Person #1: I'm on it!
Washington, DC
10AM ...So Your Legs Won't Fit Through
Suit in bathroom: Don't you hate it when the hole in your underwear is in the wrong spot?
Cottage Grove
Wisconsin
Overheard by: um.. yah
9AM P.S. - Sally the Clown Sounds Hot
Telemarketer: Hello, could I speak to Wally the Clown please?
(short pause)
Telemarketer: Oh, sorry to disturb you then. (to coworker) Dialed the wrong number!
Talbot Road
Manchester
England
Overheard by: Thomas
5PM ...Little Knowing I Can Track Its Whereabouts on My IPhone
Coworker #1: Have you seen my pen?
Coworker #2: Nuh-uh.
Coworker #1: Someone has liberated my pen again.
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM And Pronouncing It "Nuke-You-Lar"
Intern: It was like calling that midget the N-word
Nashville, Tennessee
3PM Unless the Ghost Shows Up and Demands Compensation
Insurance department boss: A death claim is better than a long-term injury.
Merchant Street
Honolulu, Hawaii
2PM We've Had a Few, Um, Odor Complaints
Sales agent: She can kiss my butt!
Manager: Oh, speaking of which...
Beacon Street
Newton, Massachusetts
1PM I Knew We Shouldn't Have Used That Stigmata Font
Copywriter: Man! Where am I bleeding from now?!
Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
12PM You Men, Stop That Whimpering!
Female coworker, threatening another female coworker: Well, if I get a fucking yeast infection, you're going to be the first to hear about it!
6th & Maple
Spokane, Washington
11AM And Get Yourself Some Therapy?
Woman (after manager jokingly pats her on the back): Hey, don't be coming in here hitting me!
Manager: No, no, I wouldn't do that. I haven't hit a woman in a long time. You know when the last time I hit a woman was? It was my ex-wife, and it was goooooood. I spent two days in jail, but it was worth it. It was soooo worth it. They had to wire her jaw shut. Six weeks. Six weeks of silence.
Woman: That's nice, but could you leave now, please?"
Wilmington, North Carolina
10AM It's Not What You Think--I Get Off on the Static Electricity
Shoe store girl #1: You look tired all the time.
Shoe store girl #2: Well, I think it's my allergies. I'm allergic to cats and I like to rub mine on my face all the time.
Shoe store girl #1: Oh.
Northgate Mall
Seattle, Washington
9AM You Don't See People Sodomizing Donuts in the Display Case
Skanky girl #1: I'm never wearing miniskirts again!
Skanky girl #2: Why is that?
Skanky girl #1: Well, every time I'm dancing in one, someone tries to sodomize me.
Skanky girl #2: Oh, I hate that--it's so rude.
DMV
New York
5PM I Assumed You Needed Drugs
Elderly woman: Help me! Help me!
More elderly woman: What do you need?
Elderly woman: I need help!
More elderly woman: Then I can't help you.
Pueblo, Colorado
Overheard by: WorkingForTheElderly
4PM And You Can't Spell "Contagious" Without "Us"
Boss, sending a sick employee home: You are so stubborn, I told you not to come in today.
Employee: I didn't know I was sick, I just thought I didn't feel good.
Long Beach, California
3PM Eventually They Just Gave Her a Phone with an Ominous-Music Ringtone
Office worker, every time her phone rings: Fuck. What now?
Mississauga
Canadia
2PM The Naughty Librarian Strikes Again
Helpful librarian: Here is an explanation of the changes a boy goes through, and masturbation.
Shocked redfaced teen: No, I said books on emancipation!
Ceres, California
1PM It's Not My Type
Cubicle prisoner to herself: I haven't shoved the keyboard down my throat yet.
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Overheard by: Everyday Monday
12PM Alcohol Is Essential for the Entertainment of Children, Not Just Their Production
Puzzled drone: is Chuck E. Cheese BYOB?
Whitehouse Station, New Jersey
Overheard by: Justin
11AM She'll Bill Him Later
Perverted girl looking at a picture of two ducks mating: I swear, if you saw them going at it, you would have been jealous. He was really giving it to her!
Commercial Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Animal lover has a whole new meaning
10AM Fetus: What Are You Lookin' At?
Receptionist: Oh, I forgot today was Friday the 13th. I do pay attention to that, because I was in a bad car accident in high school on a Friday the 13th.
HR assistant: So no going out and drinking tonight, then?
Receptionist (bemusedly): Well...
HR assistant: You'll just stay home and drink, right?
Receptionist: (laughs) Yeah, that's when you know you're an alcoholic, when you stay home and drink.
HR assistant: And you're pregnant.
Receptionist: Right. Don't want people being judgmental at the bar.
Airport Way
Seattle, Washington
9AM And That Cuts Into My Busy Internet Poker Playing Schedule
Angry suit: It's like I need to come to every meeting if I want to know what's actually going on!
Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: At EVERY Meeting
5PM My Cubicle's Like Yoinkee Stadium
Female designer: I've been yoinked a lot today.
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Meg
4PM Learning About Noon and Midnight Rocked His World
Student: Hi, I was wondering what time you closed.
Front desk clerk: We close tonight at midnight.
Student: Yeah, but what time exactly? Like 9 pm?
Seattle, Washington
3PM A Strong Immune System Is Your Best Defense in the Office
Peon #1: All those Luxury Wafers are broken.
Peon #2: How do you know?
Peon #1: I hand-checked them all. And licked them too. You can never be too careful.
Hall of Justice
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: no office snacks for me
2PM Which Is Why I've Stopped Going to Cat Parades
Sad boss: Like cats in a parade, they just do whatever they want to do.
6th Avenue
New York City, New York
1PM The New Gold Standard
Intern: I was like: "Who do you think you are?! You had like two lines in Hanna Montana! You are not Zac Efron, okay?"
Constitution Drive
Victoria, Texas
Overheard by: Diana
12PM The Horizontal Stripes May Have Been My Downfall
Director: You were wearing a tube top and you *still* got a ticket?
Indianapolis, Indiana
11AM Talking to You Is Like Drinking Maple Syrup
Hipster: Making out is my Viagra.
School of Management Office
University of Massachusetts
10AM There It Is
Sales guy #1: ... or you know it could send to your POP3.
Sales guy #2: Don't pretend like you know what you're talking about.
Sales guy #1: At least I had a term. Where's your term, motherfucker?!
Bonner Springs, Kansas
9AM But We Love Their Money
Boss, talking about client: It's a love-hate relationship. They either love or hate us. We just hate them.
Herndon, Virginia
5PM We Wrote Our Names, with a Heart Around Them
Coworker on James Carville: I love Carville. I took a leak with him at a wedding.
Los Angeles, California
4PM Fashion Is My Religion, Honeypie
Gay coworker: I don't dress up for Halloween, it's against my religion!
Straight coworker: Oh, is that the same religion you consulted when choosing your sexuality?
Dublin, Ohio
Overheard by: Stoopid like a fox
3PM In Reality It's Less Fun Than It Sounds
Project manager, looking at chart of Harvey Balls: You have to play with your balls.
Hotel Room
Bethesda, Maryland
2PM ...By the Women at ASU
Programmer (shouting and thrusting both arms up): Yeah!
Boss: Oh, did you get the stored procedure working?
Programmer: No, Arizona State was voted #1 for hottest women.
Hampton Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
1PM If Only He Wouldn't Make Major Adjustments in My Face
Foxy lady #1: My boss smells like he hasn't bathed in a month. He smells like his private parts!
Foxy lady #2: Gross like a huge unbathed dick.
Foxy lady #1: Yeah.
The Bronx
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Banana Forest Thief
12PM So the Winner of the Office Poll Is--Felicia!
President, emerging from bathroom: That smell in the bathroom is equal parts chamomile, lavender, and my poop.
1st Avenue
Seattle, Washington
11AM The "Big Jew" Coffee Mug Didn't Tip You Off?
Employee at microwave: You know those meatballs have meat in them?
Microwaving employee: Right? Hence, meatballs.
Employee at microwave: Don't you know the day?
Microwaving employee: Sure, it is Friday all day.
Employee at microwave: Well, it's Lent, too.
Microwaving employee: You don't say... Seeing as how I am a big Jew we don't celebrate that.
Tinley Park, Illinois
10AM You Know That Special Feeling You Get Just Before You Throw Up?
Young office dude: Did you see that I called you, like 40 times?
Young office chick: Yeah, I saw that I had stalker calls and it made me feel really special.
San Rafael, California
9AM Actually, I Was Layering You in Clothes Like a Bag Lady
Worker: I felt like you were undressing me with your eyes and re-dressing me in office casual!
Carrol Avenue
Takoma Park, Maryland
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