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5PM FEMA Headquarters, Circa 2005
Coworker #1: He's Cajun.
Coworker #2: Cajun?
Coworker #1: Yeah, he is from New Orleans.
Coworker #2: What color are they?
Latham, New York
Overheard by: Parker
4PM In an Unrelated Question, Where's a Good Place to Buy Rat Poison?
Lady on phone: Let me ask you this: if she dies before the next payment is due, does she still have to make that payment?
Main Street
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: insensitive much?
3PM I Assume the Freezer, But I Can't Be Sure.
Coworker #1: I don't have a wardrobe.
Coworker #2: Why not?
Coworker #1: I just don't like them.
Coworker #2: Well, where do you keep your suit?
Coworker #1: Well... that's a good question, where is actually my suit?
Yorkshire
England
2PM Could Be a Good Thing-- Is It Bacon?
Cube girl #1: I keep smelling food.
Cube girl #2: Maybe you're having a stroke.
Cube girl #1: Nooooo!
Viking Drive
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Nicole
1PM What If the Big Switch in Al Gore's House Gets Frozen in the "Off" Position?
Accountant: It's snowed a ton, the roads are really bad today. They've closed a bunch of schools.
Receptionist: I hope they cancel my online class!
Washington Square
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: No level of stupidity surprises me anymore
12PM Every Office Has Its Very Own Rainman
Employee #1: So, if it's 7:11 now, and I have a 30 minute break, what time do I have to be back?
Employee #2: Uh, 7:41.
Employee #1: How did you figure that out so fast?
Huron Road
Cleveland, Ohio
11AM How Labia Piercing Originated
Female voice from bathroom stall: Ah man, I got my earring in the wrong hole!
N. Classen
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: oh really
10AM Almost Makes Me Sorry I Got Those Binoculars
Worker bee #1: As soon as he was naked he started touching himself.
Worker bee #2: Oh my god!
Worker bee #1: Sometimes she touches herself... but not in a long time. Every time he's naked he diddles himself!
New Hyde Park, New York
9AM What Brooke Shields Said About Lipstick Jungle
20-something female cube rat: Sounds like a fucking stupid project, and I am really excited to do it some time.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM Let's Rub Ours Together and See If We Can Play "Mary Had a Little Lamb"
Cubicle dweller: Oh. So your nipples are squeaky too?
Cottage Grove, Wisconsin
4PM We Challenge Our Readers Not to Trivialize Male Friendships by Snickering
Manager #1 (barely audible): Hey bud, did you go snowmobiling this weekend?
Manager #2 (yelling): Yeah man, I rode it all weekend and thought of you the whole time!
Bellevue City Center
Bellevue, Washington
3PM Now Who Will I Have Sex with at Lunch?
Office manager: Tess* is not going to be in for a few days. Her mother died.
Boss: Why does everything always happen to me?
Hackensack, New Jersey
Overheard by: Gary
2PM Too Many Straight Lines... Losing... Consciousness...
Old drone #1: You really gotta just close your eyes and gulp it down, I find it spicy, although my daughter says it's bitter.
Old drone #2: Yeah, I like it though, just don't get any on your dress, it's a bear to get out of clothes.
Cindel Drive
Delran, New Jersey
Overheard by: Bruce Banner
1PM Mr. Gibson's Attorneys Were Quick to File Suit
Secretary: I thought he was retarded, then I realized he was just very, very Australian.
Montgomery County Courthouse
Norristown, Pennsylvania
12PM Manager Tantrum! Manager Tantrum!
Red-faced, furious manager, gesticulating at mildly messy sales rack: This is a disaster! Everyone put everything everywhere!
Plymouth, Michigan
11AM Your Editors Are Avoiding Lexington 'til We Figure This Out
Cook, talking to counter person: I thought he was going to go throw up again, but I guess we needed sirloin.
Columbias
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: 500lb Gorilla
10AM Otherwise I'd Be Saying This Stuff to Her Face
Rep #1: She wears disgusting eye makeup...like a tarantula.
Rep #2: Gross!
Rep #1: I know. She looks like a tramp. I mean, she can't keep her legs closed.
Rep #2: Nasty!
Rep #1: She thinks she is so hot. Yeah, right.
Rep #2: Wait, isn't she like, your best friend?
Rep #1: Of course!
Plainfield Pike, Rhode Island
9AM We Hope You'll Come in and Be Judged by Us Again Soon
(Woman puts groceries on checkstand, including home pregnancy test.)
Male clerk: Man, I have been selling a lot of these lately!
(Woman laughs nervously.)
Male clerk to female clerk, waving test in the air: Haven't you been selling a lot of these?
Female clerk: Yeah, I have! It must be spring, you know how people get!
(Woman is now horrified.)
Male clerk, handing woman her groceries: Well, good luck either way!
Safeway
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Really? Really?
5PM No Complaint Was Ever Lodged by the Jamaican Nuns Who Received the Wrong Shipment, Though
Manager, in a panic: We sent a box of sex toys to the wrong customer!
Employee #1: Where did it go?
Manager: Jamaica.
Employee #1: Wasn't it supposed to go to Barbados?
Manager: Yeah...
Employee #2: Not my fault! You can't blame me!
Miami, Florida
4PM I'll Write You a Check
Blonde: But do they even make half-pennies anymore?
Plymouth, Michigan
3PM I Think Bill O'Reilly's Sticking to TV This Election
Sales guy #1: I'm worried about the primaries. I mean, if Obama runs, I would vote for him over the Republicans.
Sales guy #2: Sure.
Sales guy #1: If Hillary runs, I would vote for Satan over her.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
2PM So I Just Presented Rearward and Hoped for the Best
Sad girl: How would you like it if you boyfriend hit on another girl while his pregnant girlfriend stood next to him? It made me feel like a fat dog slut.
Macquarie Fields Station
Australia
1PM Mr. Scott: Good Gravy, Captain, I'm Ladling All We've Got!
Extra nice granny: Good god, if they need more than three gallons of gravy we are in big trouble.
Montezuma
Prescott, Arizona
Overheard by: Tom
12PM We Will Now Move on to "Bitch" as an Interjection
Sarge: Well... you could also use it literally like: "If I fucked your mother. I would be a motherfucker."
Academy Street
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Shaye
11AM I Rented It Out to a Family of Four
(in a crowded elevator there is a brief, unidentifiable noise)
Co-worker #1 (in Japanese): Keiko*, did you just fart?
Co-worker #2 (in Japanese): Well, my asshole *is* kind of loose lately.
(all Japanese in elevator burst out laughing)
Co-worker #2: What?
Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: Minivet
10AM Marie Is Too Pretty to Bother With Metaphors
Female coworker: What does "truncated" mean?
Male coworker: It's like... If you shortened an elephant's trunk, it would be truncated.
(pause)
Female coworker: But this e-mail doesn't even say anything about elephants.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Babar
9AM When He Needs a Condom
Customer service rep: Aaaaahhhhhhh!
Planner: What's wrong??
Customer service rep: I just saw a mouse!
Planner: Um, yeah, so? That's just George.
Customer service rep: What?
Planner: Sometimes George likes to come out and play.
Plainfield Pike, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Stuck in my cube
5PM Mind the Generation Gap
Boss, in response to employees discussing Project Runway: Oh, what is that? A show about airports?
Washington, DC
4PM Just Add "Or Whatever" So His Feelings Don't Get Hurt
(receptionist passes a Boss Day card to one of the company partners to sign)
Partner, after signing it: So... What's this for? His birthday?
Receptionist: No, his birthday was last month... remember?
Partner: Oh... I already signed it "Happy birthday".
Main Street
Aspen, Colorado
3PM Your Boss and I Go Way Back
Trainer: He's a great guy, but he's very... How should I put this?
New hire: Anal?
Trainer: Yes. I love anal.
Eagan, Minnesota
2PM Jenga Parties Are Just Too Nerve-Wracking
Boss: You can definitely get it to stay up longer when you are by yourself.
Falcon Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Next In Line
1PM And Jill Came Tumbling After?
IT worker to Vietnamese coworker: Is that the day Buddha came down from the mountain?
Richmond, Virginia
12PM What Happens When You Learn History on a Hippie Commune
Maintenance idiot: How do you think they came up with that whole groundhog thing?
Electronics clerk: What groundhog thing?
Maintenance idiot: You know, the groundhog sees his shadow and we have six more months of winter. How do you think they came up with that idea?
Electronics clerk: Ummmm... It's six weeks...
Maintenance idiot: I bet it was all of those animal activist settlers back when they came to America, or something.
Electronics clerk: Animal activist settlers?
Ft. Smith, Arkansas
Overheard by: i love my job
11AM You Expect That of a Mage, Though
Gamer on phone: That good, huh? Wait, what do you mean by "He didn't finish"? You guys put sex on hold for World of Warcraft! No way, that's dedication.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Sex > wow FTW
10AM Sorry, I Just Took a Side Trip to Fantasyland
Supervisor to manager: You know I'm leaving work early today, right?
Manager: That's right... For what, again?
Supervisor: I'm getting my cat shaved.
(pause)
Supervisor: My cat... like, our pet cat. A feline.
Ambassador East Hotel
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: laughing one cubicle over
9AM By the Time You Get to the Racism, It's Almost Refreshing
Accounting drone: Is someone eating fucking jockstraps and dirty socks now? There really needs to be some kind of restrictions on the food people are allowed to eat in here. How about a guideline like: "If it smells like a dead hooker, treat it like a dead hooker and eat it in your car."? Thank god we don't have any Indian programmers.
Milwaukee Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
5PM What Happens When You're Von Trapped in an Office
Team leader: Alright everyone, I'm headed out for the weekend. So long.
Teammate #1: Farewell.
Teammate #2: Auf wiedersehen.
Teammate #3: Goodbye!
Hanover, Maryland
Overheard by: Adam
4PM Still Think Dilbert Is Just a Cartoon?
Engineer, emphatically: You can ask me until you are blue in the face, but I still can't give you an answer.
Boss, unimpressed: I need you to give me an answer.
Stratford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Deek
3PM Of Course, If the Taxpayers Foot the Bill, It's a War
Front desk agent #1: So anything involving more than five people is considered a gang-bang then, since you don't have "five-some". That just sounds weird.
Front desk agent #2: It has to do more with the girl-to-guy ratio. If the ratio is close to one to one, then it's an orgy. Otherwise, it's a gang-bang.
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: Lobby Patron
2PM A Game of Whose-Wife-Is-Bigger Really Enlivens the Workday
Underling: How big is yours?
Team lead: I don't know, let's see.
(pause)
Team lead: Man, that's big!
Underling: If you think that's big, that makes mine huge.
Team lead: Really? Let's see it.
Underling: Okay.
(pause)
Team lead: Wow. You weren't kidding.
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: Jonathan
1PM Probably in the Trunk-- Why?
On duty drone: Where's your other thingamijig?
Off duty drone: My wife?
Gananoque
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Ronald Quailfeather
12PM Apparently "Make Stuffing" Is an Arcane Insult in North Carolina
(scientist gets in a packed elevator)
Scientist: I can't believe it's this busy the day before Thanksgiving.
Secretary: Surprisingly.
Scientist: I said: "I can't believe it's this busy!" It's the day before Thanksgiving!
Tech: It's actually two days from Thanksgiving.
Scientist: I'm going to go home and make my turkey tonight. Have it ready for the family!
Suit: What a good idea. You should make the stuffing with it, save time.
(scientist smiles, gets off)
Tech: That wasn't nice.
Suit: He farted while in an elevator, I don't care.
Extremely Small Elevator
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
11AM The Highest Compliment in Some Cultures
Intern: It was an honor to wear your sister's undergarments.
Las Vegas, Nevada
10AM Wallace Is Organized to a Fault
Meeting chairperson: Alright, that's about all for this Monday's meeting. Now, is anyone going to be away on vacation at all this week?
Suit #1: I'll be taking next Monday off. We're heading up to the cottage for the weekend.
Suit #2: Umm, I will be sick on Friday so I won't be in.
Meadowvale Business Park
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
9AM Gouda Luck!
Wisconsinite on a diet, talking about quitting her walking team: I quit the stepping. Right now I am focusing all my energy on not eating cheese.
Eden Prairie, Minnesota
Overheard by: Nic
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