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5PM My Escalatude Will Be Mighty!
Angry suit: If you can't get this done I'm gonna escalate it! I don't know to whom, or how, but I'm gonna escalate it!
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Good Luck With That
4PM ...And Rated on the Same Scale As Figure-Skating
Worker #1: My roommate has this book about all the kinds of poops you can have and what it means about your health.
Worker #2: Kinds of poops?
Worker #1: Yeah, like floaters, sinkers, clean poop...
Worker #2: Clean poop?!
Worker #1: The kind that slides right out and leaves your butt clean.
Worker #2: That should be called "perfect poop".
Loyola Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Which Is Why I Always Carry Duct Tape
Female suit: There's nothing worse than being caught without a tampon.
Hollywood, California
2PM Laxative Abuse Is Endemic to Connecticut
Sales guy in restroom: You know, if you really want to have fun take the blue pill now.
Darien, Connecticut
Overheard by: is this the matrix or a viagra commercial?
1PM We Barely Do That Now
Cubicle #1: Since I have to travel through Virginia next week, I'm going to take Amy*'s suggestion and get a mega millions ticket. The powerball isn't working out so well for me.
Cubicle #2: My husband laughs at me because I want to keep working if I win the lottery.
Cubicle #3: What!?
Cubicle #2: Yeah, I want to keep working.
Cubicle #3: Well...
Cubicle #1 & #3, in unison: I wouldn't work here.
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM It's Not Uncommon for an Entire Office to Be Staffed With Drama Queens
Sales girl: Oh my god... David* is back there cleaning his office and the smell is making my head hurt.
Office manager: What's he cleaning it with?
Sales girl: The same Fantastic crap under the sink that we all use. I've used it on my own desk and never been so overwhelmed by the fumes. Don't go back there.
Office manager: Why is he cleaning it himself anyway?
Sales girl: I don't know. (pause) He must be bathing in it. Seriously, I had to get up and walk away.
Office manager: Just close his door.
Sales girl, appalled: I can't do that! The fumes would kill him! It would be fatal!
Office manager, grabbing her arm: Close the door. Close. The. Door.
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM It's Like a Party in My Diaphragm!
Loud office chick: Oh my god, hiccups! I love hiccups! I only get them like three times a year, and I love them!
Hudson Street
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
10AM Which We Purchase from a Dentist on the Street
Coworker #1: Yeah, I have syringes at home. Don't you?
Coworker #2: No. Why? Does someone in your house have diabetes?
Coworker #1: No. Is this weird? Hold on, let me call my brother.
(a few minutes later.)
Coworker #1: Oh, well. They're not syringes. They're teeth whiteners.
West Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Julianna
9AM One Sign You're Not Giving Your Writers Enough to Do
Writer to editor: I was having a staring contest with you a little while ago, but you weren't paying attention so I won.
Broad Street
Augusta, Georgia
5PM Stacey, Did You Just Make a Joke?
Brunette: So, like, she was totally found dead in her office.
Blonde: Omigod! Shut up!
Brunette: Ya. Like, Dr Wong found her dead one morning.
Blonde: Omigod! Shut up!
Brunette: It's kind of fitting. I mean, she totally lived here at work anyway.
Blonde: Omigod! I would so totally die if someone found me dead in my office!
University of California, Davis
Overheard by: Research Monkey
4PM After 45, You Pretty Much Have to Get It Tattooed On
18-year-old guy: How old do you think Brenda* [older lady from office] is?
20-year-old guy: About... fifty two?
18-year-old guy: I'd hate to be that old and still wear make-up.
Willenhall
West Midlands
England
3PM I Am Your Macro
Female Excel nerd: Time to go make more price lists! Excel is my bitch.
Redheaded dominatrix: And you are mine.
42nd Street
New York City, New York
2PM Imagine Being Loved With All One's Default Settings Unchanged
Co-worker #1: We all have icky hairy things.
Co-worker #2: I shave mine.
Co-worker #3: I tried that once, but kept hunching the corners of desks.
Co-worker #1: Okay, so some of us have icky hairy things.
Washington Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
1PM Psych! Did You Just Mess Yourself?
Accountant: A Charlie Brown Christmas was on the other day and me and my sister were watching it when Peppermint Patty opened her mouth and a man's voice popped out. I turned to my sister and said: "Oh my god! Peppermint Patty's a big ol' dyke! Turn that damn thing off!"
Secretary: I was raised by a lesbian couple.
Accountant: Oh... Oh, I'm sorry.
Sixth Avenue
Nashville, Tennessee
12PM That's a Sobriety Test in and of Itself
Lab tech: He needs to retake the drug screening.
Nurse: Why? He said he was ready to give a urine sample.
Lab tech: Well... How do I put this delicately? He did give us *a* sample... Just not the kind we needed.
Nurse: Wait, you mean... he... Oh my god! How the hell did he poop in that cup? I am impressed!
Lab tech: Yea, I kinda am to.
Hospital
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Workin' here for the insurance
11AM Where They Don't Nag About Deadlines All the Time
Supervisor: This was supposed to be done hours ago, what is taking so long?
Employee: I was too busy working on my resume so I can get a better job.
Park Avenue
New York City, New York
10AM The Time De Lei?
[8:30 am, a credit card decline notice from a customer in Hawaii is placed on Paul's* desk. Paul starts dialing the number.]
Will*: Paul, don't you know it's 3:30 am there?
Paul, continuing to dial: It's okay, they're used to it.
Seminole Trail
Charlottesville, Virginia
Overheard by: They are *not* used to that
9AM Or, As I Affectionately Call Him, "My Little Tar-Baby"
Office manager, calling out to boss: Do I have to take the diversity training if I am married to a black guy?
Viking Drive
Eden Prarie, Minnesota
Overheard by: I wouldn't think so
5PM What Don't George Foreman Grills Do?
IT worker : They're great for smuggling midgets across the border.
Richmond, Virginia
4PM Someone's Been Sniffing the Toner Again
Receptionist, on his last day: How can I give the rest of the staff access to these files?
Tech guy: Put them on the network.
Receptionist: Where's the network?
Tech guy: Exactly! It's everywhere, man!
University of Minnesota, Minneapolis
Overheard by: I'm New Here
3PM At Least Stop Leaving Your Pinkeye Crusties on My Desk
Co-worker: You know, you should stay home when you're sick. You ruined my whole weekend.
Sick co-worker: [Laughs.]
Co-worker, enraged: I'm not kidding! You ruined my whole weekend! Stay home next time, damnit!
Jefferson Road
Cookeville, Tennessee
2PM Whose Idea Were Tobacco Pacifiers, Anyway?
Products VP: Everyone who makes this crap is just as fucked as we are.
Finance VP: If only no one put this in their mouths...
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
1PM Dude, Those Are Two Things I Will Not Do
Guy in stairway: Smell this and tell me I don't have a problem.
Plymouth, Pennsylvania
12PM Sorry, the Clown Suit Keeps Throwing Me Off
Lead animator: Quit goofing off!
Animator: I'm not.
Lead animator: I said no goofing off! Get to work!
Animator: I am working.
Lead animator, hitting animator with poster: No talking! Get to work!
Animator: I am working!
Lead animator: [Picks up computer mouse, and throws it across the desk.] Get to work! No talking!
Las Cruces, New Mexico
Overheard by: pretty picture guy
11AM And Arbor Day in Your Toilet
30-something girl to male co-worker: It's always Christmas in your trash can.
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Angela
10AM Acronyms Go Viral So Quickly
Office assistant: Do you want me to send out the "Save the Date" announcement?
Boss: Yes, thanks. That would be helpful.
Office assistant: No problem! I'm happy to spread your STD around!
Boss: [Blank stare.]
Office assistant: That sounded bad. But don't worry... I'm sure no one heard me.
Point Street
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: I Thought This Was a Healthcare Company
9AM There's a Reason There Are "Naughty Nurse" Halloween Costumes
[Nurse #1 attempting to restrain combative patient in a dark room.]
Nurse #2: You ah... Want me to turn the lights on?
Nurse #1: No, I tie people up in the dark all the time.
University Hospital
San Antonio, Texas
5PM Why They Stopped Hiring Ballerinas
Workbee on cell: Woah, she clogged that toilet? That's a new toilet! What'd she do, take a gorilla shit or something?!
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Eileen
4PM And Considerable Changing of Partners
Resident doctor: Hey! How was the concert? I'm sorry I missed it.
Pre-med: What concert?
Resident doctor: Your dad's concert.
Pre-med: Oh, it was more like a hoe-down.
Resident doctor: Was there promenading?
Pre-med, nodding head in agreement: There was some promenading.
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: snickerpants
3PM Or Something Equally Sciencey
Manager to peons: And it will stay up. Because of, you know, gravity.
Plymouth, Michigan
Overheard by: Megan
2PM Nothing I'd Want to Repeat
Employee yelling to co-worker: Will! What did I say about fish sticks this morning?!
Hartford, Connecticut
1PM Which I Am Not at Liberty to Elucidate
Superior #1: So, Joanne wasn't umm... working out so she left... I shouldn't say any more.
Inferior #1: She didn't come to work naked or something?!
Superior #2: [Responds to quizzical looks from others.] That comment has a context!
Cornwallis Road
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: Ben A. Fit
12PM Don't Ask Me to Explain That, Either
Guy, coming out of the men's room: Wait. Someone actually stole the posters... from around the urinal?
Comic book guy: Don't ask me to explain it.
Guy: Were they unfamiliar with the concept of nerd hygiene?
Broadway
New York City, New York
11AM But My Real Passion Is Popping Out of Cakes
Male employee: I dropped my pen down under my desk.
Cute female employee: I'll get down there and get it for you.
Male employee: I don't think that you crawling up from under my desk is the sort of thing people need to see.
Cute female employee: It's okay! I come up from under lots of people's desks.
Greeley, Colorado
Overheard by: Alacrity Fitzhugh
10AM In Totally Unrelated News, I'd Like to Request Maid Service
85-year-old client: I've been sick all morning but I'll tell you what: the best way to cure diarrhea is by drinking wine!
Sales manager on phone: Oh... Um... Really?
Hotel
Dulles, Virginia
Overheard by: Rather Disgusted
9AM Probably What Got Her in Trouble in the First Place
Cubicle guy, coming around the corner: Stacy... you're in trouble. Oh... Stacy isn't here today? No? Well, in that case, I'll just leave a sticky on her desk for her return.
Guy in next cubicle: Dude, that's disgusting.
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Marko
5PM ...When I Was Going for Clams Casino
Hot office chick: I look like I smell like fish sticks.
LaGrange, Georgia
Overheard by: Hallway Skank Monitor
4PM It's What I Think About While Bed-Wetting and Penning Manifestos
Young museum volunteer: And I had to listen to the other kids talking about masturbation for an hour.
Museum employee: Yuck. You're probably the sanest person in your school.
Young museum volunteer: I know! I wish I could just... stab them all in the neck.
Kellogg Avenue
St. Paul, Minnesota
3PM Seems a Lot Less Gay When You Sing It, Purvis
Window washer #1, singing: I will survive, I will survive!
Window washer #2: Yehaw, that's right, we will survive!
Window washer #1, singing: As long as I know how to wash I know I'll stay alive.
Window washer #2: Stay alive! That's the deal, yeeehaw!!
Jackson
Seattle, Washington
2PM I Seem to Have Forgotten Their Names
Man in lift #1: Hey, how's it going?
Man in lift #2: Yeah, not bad. The wife leaves for England for nine days tomorrow. Leaving me alone. With the kids... I'm not a man who gets scared easily but...
Pirie Street
Adelaide
Australia
Overheard by: Brooklyn
1PM ...Using a Sock Puppet
UPS guy: I can only speak for the Portuguese consulate...
Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM And Perhaps Some More Ritalin
Checkout girl: Hi, how are... [Turns to employee at next register.] Have I ever told you how badly I want a pet monkey? Like, besides getting out of this hellhole, it's, like, the only thing I want in life.
Oneida, New York
Overheard by: fellow customer in line
11AM ... Or If She Likes It
Manager #1: The new girl is Asian? Ooooh, fucky-sucky, long time!
Manager #2: I'll have someone else show her around.
Manager #1, as manager #2 leaves office: It's not harassment if you're joking!
Circle Center Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
10AM Why Mute Interns Are in Such High Demand
Senior: Isn't "Butternut Bread" a brand? I know there is Mrs Baird's, Iron Kids... Sunbeam...
Intern: Oh, there's a strip club around here with a one-armed stripper named Sunbeam... But we call her "Nub".
Senior: [Silence.]
Houston, Texas
9AM Mexico: Hey, We Warned You!
CSR, on speakerphone: And where would you like this order shipped?
Secretary: 123 Main St.*, Los Alamos, New Mexico.
CSR : We don't ship out of the country.
Secretary: That's fine, but this address is in the country.
CSR : No, you said to ship it to New Mexico.
Secretary: Yes, New Mexico is a state in the US.
CSR : Sorry, but we can't ship out of the US.
Secretary: Do you have a supervisor I can talk to, please?
[Long pause.]
CSR supervisor: This is Tim. Can I help you?
Secretary: I hope so, Tim. Your employee doesn't seem to understand that New Mexico is a state in the United States, and so refuses to ship me your product.
Supervisor: Well, that's true. We can't ship out of the country. I'm sorry ma'am.
Secretary, raising her voice a little: Have you never even heard of the state of New Mexico? It's one of the big, square ones? It's right between Texas and Arizona? It's one of the 50 United States?
Supervisor: I'm sorry, it's just our policy not to ship out of the US.
Secretary: Tim, let me get this straight. Your company is going to lose a $14,000 order because the people in your customer service department are too moronic to know or comprehend that the state of New Mexico is a part of the United States?
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am. That's our policy.
Secretary, completely exasperated: Well, I guess there's nothing more to be said, is there?
Supervisor: No, ma'am. Have a nice day.
Los Alamos, New Mexico
Overheard by: New Mexican
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