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5PM In Michigan? Shouldn't Be Hard
[Whistling can be heard through a door.]
Co-worker: Where's that goddamn whistling coming from? Hello?! Stop fucking whistling! Don't you know there are people trying to be miserable here?!
Escanaba, Michigan
Overheard by: Auds
4PM And That's Never Happened Before
Statistician: They're lying. Unless everything we believe about the world is untrue.
Chelsea
New York City, New York
3PM The "YMCA" Dance Can Be Perilous
Girl: He broke his hand in a fit of gay!
Washington, DC
2PM Is Anyone Feeling a Little Dirty After All This Pie Talk?
Cashier, answering phone: Hello, Baker's Square. [Pause.]
Cashier, incredulous: Do we sell pies? [Pause.]
Cashier, boastful: We were voted best pies in the world, we entered a contest and won. [Pause.]
Cashier, sober: Yes, we sell pies. [Pause.]
Cashier, indignant: A barbecue pie? I never heard of such a thing in my entire life. [Pause.]
Cashier, impatient: Ma'am, did you have a specific question? I'm pretty busy. [Pause.]
Cashier, puzzled: [Hangs up.]
Silicon Valley, California
Overheard by: My Good Ear
1PM Dude, Seriously, Switch to Historical Novels
Project manager, discussing book: It was so tragic! It's not just that they were clones and had their organs harvested, but they never got to really love each other!
Main Bountiful, Utah
12PM Oh Honey, Everybody in San Franscisco Knows How to Hug from Behind
Lunch room breaker #1: The irony is that she was the only one that knew the Heimlich maneuver, but she couldn't do it because she was six months pregnant.
Dumb dumb: So, why couldn't she do it?
Lunch room breaker #1: Do you know what the Heimlich maneuver is?
Pine Street
San Francisco, California
11AM It's Bad Enough You Ripped My Human-Skin Vest
Co-worker on phone: Hey. What'd you do with my bag of hair?
Franklin Street
Richmond, Virginia
10AM Is Glitter Allowed in the Military?
Sailor, with sheet to sign: I need your signature on this.
Boss man: Ok, do you have a pen?
Sailor: Uh... No.
Boss: Tell me, Frank, how am I supposed to sparkle if you don't give me any glitter? [Storms out of the room.]
Pt. Mugu Naval Base, California
9AM I Suppose That Does Make It Worse, Sir
Editor, on phone with reader: Sir, the phrase "Stick a sock in it" is pretty common. It's a common phrase.
[Pause.]
Editor: It's no one's sock, sir. It's not a threat.
[Pause.]
Editor: Well, I disagree. I think it is a pretty common phrase and I think everyone understood what I meant.
[Pause.]
Editor: No, sir, it's not my sock. It's nobody's sock.
Walnut Street
Green Bay, Wisconsin
5PM Like When I Drive Through New Jersey
Manager at employee bathroom: Why is this door propped open?
Waiter: Eric* just dropped a bomb in there.
Manager: Fuck, man, spray that air freshener.
Waiter: I did. The stink actually laughed at me.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
4PM Maybe You Can't
Nurse assistant to patient: Do you want corn, carrots, or peas?
Patient: Cake.
Nurse assistant: Cake isn't a vegetable. What would you like to drink?
Patient: Cookies.
Nurse assistant: You can't drink cookies.
St. John Hospital
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: I was laughing
3PM Another Texan Reveals That He's Not a Steer
Co-worker, complaining about his chapped lips: These chapped lips really suck big dick.
The Arboretum
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: El Gato
2PM ...As Long As You Collect It in Person
Suit #1: We're introducing a great new investment product.
Suit #2: Oh yeah. Features?
Suit #1: Well, if you die before it matures, you get your money back.
Wellington Street
Toronto
Canadia
1PM ...About the Church Social Next Wednesday
Office worker: Lemme forward you this e-mail from slave whore Ella*!
BDSM Production Company
Long Beach, California
Overheard by: Joy
12PM My Oxygen Mask Has Deployed, See?
CEO to receptionist: I'm not touching myself! I'm having an underwear emergency.
Parnell
Auckland
New Zealand
11AM Better Write "Lesbian Breast Milk"
Pregnant coworker: Do you see this? I'm writing my name on the milk container so she won't drink out of it! I should probably label it "breast milk".
Male coworker: That might not stop her.
Huntington, New York
10AM Mind If I Eat One of the Bananas?
19-year-old receptionist to middle aged salesman: I love your hat -I would totally wear it if I were drunk.
111 Street, Fort St John
British Columbia, Canadia
Overheard by: Mama C
9AM And Why It Has So Many New Pictures
Secretary: ...and the next time you talk to her, ask her why my cell phone was up her shirt.
Akron, Ohio
5PM Ironing Their Bandana Collection Is Monopolizing My Time
Manager: Did you watch Top Model last night?
Analyst employee: I can't until the lesbians come back -I'm house sitting.
Empire Boulevard
Burbank, California
Overheard by: Statja K
4PM That's Great! Have a Good One!
Worker #1: Hey! What's up? Everything fine or what?
Worker #2: Should I tell you the truth or just say fine?
Industrial Zone 2
Venezuela
3PM That Sucks, Frank
Co-worker: I'm not getting promoted because I don't show enough cleavage.
Baltimore, Maryland
2PM I Won't Say Yes, but I Want to Discuss This Further
Female marketing executive to male sales executive: Well, you can just suck my imaginary dick!
Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland
1PM Especially with Buzz Aldrin Chewing Your Ear Off
Voice in next cubicle: I forgot how much I hate space travel.
Fort Leavenworth, Kansas
12PM When I'm Perfectly Willing to Do It for Free
Director of operations: I could get paid a lot of money to put a dildo in my ass, and then I'd be walking around with a dildo in my ass, but that would be lame too.
Elkton Road
Newark, Delaware
11AM If You'd Like, I Can Send You My Notes on the Pecan Sandies
Office worker: Do you know what that meeting was about?
Manager: Nope.
Office worker: But, what did we talk about?
Manager: Don't know, don't care, anyway, the cookies were nice.
Office worker: They were, weren't they?
Bezuidenhoutseweg
The Hague
The Netherlands
Overheard by: bewildered
10AM Could You Stop Doing It While Meeting with Customers?
New mom: The days go by so fast now that I'm so preoccupied with... pumping.
Hudson St
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
9AM Colleagues May Reject the Defining Films of Your Generation. Get Over It.
Copywriter: I haven't seen Mallrats.
Designer: What?!
Copywriter: Or The Goonies.
Designer: Have you seen any movie?
Copywriter: Those are the only two I haven't seen.
Plum Street, Cincinnati
Ohio
Overheard by: Erica
5PM I Love the High-Definition and Surround Sound, Though
Female worker #1: You couldn't tell how big it was?
Female worker #2: Well, I hadn't touched it before then.
The Daily Reflector
Greenville, North Carolina
4PM My Specialty Is Spooning with the Tailback
Puzzled physical therapist: So, what position do you play on the football team?
Stoner high school athlete: I play wide receiver, defensive back, running back, you know, I'm a utensil player.
1300 East
Sandy, Utah
Overheard by: The Fork
3PM And Sprinkle Its Bowl with Lithium
Female coworker #1: Squiggy committed suicide last night.
[Long pause.]
Female coworker #1: He seems to have jumped out of the tank and shriveled up on the desk top... so it looks like I'll be getting another guppy.
Female coworker #2: Looks like it.
Female coworker #1: Or... Yeah, I guess I'll get another guppy.
Baltimore, Maryland
2PM Have You Learned Nothing from Your Four Abortions?
New supervisor, straight from the military: It's my job to protect you from the people above me.
26-year veteran of the agency: I've got Jesus and a man. I don't need any more protection than that.
Federal Office Building
Washington DC
Overheard by: Wasting my best years
1PM At This Time, the Word "Juicy" Is Not on Any Part of My Body
Worker #1: Are you coming out for a drink after work tonight?
Worker #2: I'm meeting some friends out afterwards, so I'm going to go home first to get changed.
Worker #1: Why do you need to get changed? Just wear what you have on, it's fine!
Worker #2: Well all my friends dress like skanks and I don't want to look overdressed.
Hay Street
West Perth
Australia
12PM Then How Come It Got Me More Time on My SATs?
Boss on phone: That is not clinical! Being an asshole is not a clinical condition.
Ginko Industrial Park
Warminster, Pennsylvania
11AM Lack of Motor Skills Is My Anti-Drug
Pediatrician to screaming addicted newborn: Oh, you poor thing, are you jonesin' for some crack?
NICU
Jacksonville, Florida
10AM Today's Special: Square Root of Minus One Minestrone!
Obese woman on mobility scooter, scowling: Whatever happened to rational soups?
Employee cafeteria
Salisbury, Maryland
Overheard by: minnie stronie
9AM That Concludes the Slide Show of Our Guantanamo Vacation --Questions?
Receptionist: For us it was never really about the torture. It was more about the ping pong, or table tennis if you will.
Hewitt, Minneapolis
Minnesota
5PM Much Like Workplace TMIs
Cube guy #1: Hey, I got that ointment you mentioned last night.
Cube guy #2: Oh yeah, did it go away?
Cube guy #1: Well, you know ... It never really "goes away".
Internet Company
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
4PM I Think One of Them May Still Be Down There
Attractive customer specialist #1: So how was your trip to Italy?
Attractive customer specialist #2: Gorgeous! So many hot Italian guys. I've got so much more space between my thighs now too!
Waterfront Area
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Planning my next trip
3PM ...At Least Until We Pass Our Teaching Certification Test
Woman on phone: Uhhuh... Well, we just have to learn how not to be child molesters.
Walnut Street
Evansville, Indiana
2PM I'd Rather Be Alone in Hell, Than Deal with Family in Heaven
Co-worker #1: Is he [the boss] visiting family while he's on vacation?
Co-worker #2: I don't think he has family, I think he was spawned from hell.
Hannibal, Missouri
1PM Let's Go Get You Another Raise
Executive: Are you making jokes about my weight again?
Assistant: No, I always call you "The big g". The "g" stands for "goodness".
Avenue of the Americas
New York City, New York
12PM Which Is to Say It's Like the Subway
Father, trying to get his teenage daughter excited about reading The Odyssey: It's like a horror movie... for really, really old people.
Public Library
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: not-so-old but I still like The Odyssey
11AM At Least It's Not Horse Porn
Boss: What are you doing?
Employee: Working.
Boss: Seriously?
Employee: Nah. I am actually watching video bulldogs riding on skateboards. Check it out!
Boss: [Walks away shaking head.]
7th Avenue
New York City, New York
10AM In the Workplace, the "F" Stands for "Fudge"
Manager to employee: Amanda, WTF?
Employee: Did you just swear at me in acronym?
Vancouver
British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Tessa MacKinnon
9AM Relax, I'm Just Horngry
Financial specialist, in front of his pregnant wife/coworker: God, I would nail someone if they had some bacon right now!
Wife/coworker: What the hell is wrong with you?
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: God Help Me
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