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5PM That Would Do It, All Right
Employee #1: I don't understand what his problem is...
Employee #2: His problem? He's low-level and he's stupid.
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: CB
4PM We Call It the Snowmobile
Ghetto coworker: My son loves his car, he says he wants to get buried in it. I tell him he's crazy, but it is a really nice car. It's an Oldsmobuick* convertible, cocaine white...
Not-so-ghetto coworker: Cocaine white?
Ghetto coworker: Yeah, you know that really pearly white color?
Not-so-ghetto coworker, sarcastically: Does it have meth-yellow trim?
Ghetto coworker, oblivious: No, just white. But I tell him he's crazy, it would never work. When they put in the dirt it would cave in the roof!
Modesto, California
Overheard by: That's not my job.
3PM Just When You Were Starting to Miss Frasier...
Coworker #1: You know I had trouble finding a Die Zauberflöte ringtone on my phone.
Coworker #2: You know I had the same problem too.
Livonia, Michigan
2PM Due to a Dramatic Rise in Panty-Bunching
Matronly German supervisor: When you do not clean the counters correctly, my balls get very unhappy!
Bahia Vista Street
Sarasota, Florida
1PM Or the Fact That Someone's Listening to Us Talk About Me in a Nappy
Middle management moron: Ha, yes you'd look good in a nappy.
Long-suffering fellow goon: I don't know what disturbs me more: the thought of *me* in a nappy, or the thought of *you* thinking about me in a nappy.
Osborne Park
Western Australia
12PM You're Working a Government Job Now
Sales rep: Don't let facts get in a way of a good sales pitch!
Chicago, Illinois
11AM ...the Color of Pressed Ham
Smoker #1: See this tie? Got it for $1.49 at Jewel.
Smoker #2: Jewel sells ties? It's a grocery store.
Smoker #1: I say fuck 'em, if I have to wear a tie it's going to be a $1.49 Jewel tie.
Wacker
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: I hate my tie too
10AM Remember When We Accidentally Took Out the Wrong Colon? Oh, We Laughed!
[In the ER.]
Nurse #1: Oh my god.
Nurse #2: What?
Nurse #1, looking horrified: I just entered all of these notes on the wrong patient's file.
Nurse #2: It's okay. Just go back, delete, and re-enter them for the right patient.
Nurse #1, distressed at herself: But that's awful! What would have happened?
Nurse #2, shrugging: 's'okay, happens all the time.
Hospital
Beckley, West Virginia
9AM You Celebrate Your Way, I'll Celebrate Mine
Worker: What are those [paper bags with names on them]?
Boss: They're for the holocaust thing today. ... um, we're remembering the holocaust, we're not having another one.
East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina
5PM Outsource This!
Guy: Today, from 1:30 to 4:30 I played tic-tac-toe and hangman, and then at 4:30 I played board games and drank booze. I love my job.
Westport, Connecticut
4PM Is It Creepier to Know That Mr. Rogers' Middle Name Was "McFeely"?
Guy: Yeah, so now's the time I go home, take my shoes off, change into sneakers and sing "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood".
Chick: That's kinda creepy.
Guy: Yeah, I guess it is kinda creepy. But that's what I was going for.
Avenue of the Americas
New York City, New York
3PM I Still Say That Stripper Needs a Better Stage Name
Cube employee #1: Why did you do that?!?
Cube employee #2: Because you squirted my eye with bubbles of joy.
23rd Street & Park Ave
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Turns out it was just dish soap.
2PM Or Would It Be Better to Say "Happy Newjob"?
Older woman, observing plate of donuts near man: Oh wow, is it your birthday?
Younger man: Actually, it's my last day today. I got another job.
Older woman: Great. Well, happy birthday!
Madison Avenue
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Chris
1PM Hey, Who Doesn't Have Stuff in the Freezer That Needs a Decent Burial?
Man on phone: Okay, so I heard you have a raccoon in your freezer.
[Pause]
Man on phone: How did it get there?
[Pause]
Man on phone: Did you kill it? What do you plan do with its body? What do you mean no one wants it?
S. Sycamore Street
Elizabethton
Tennessee
Overheard by: concerned for the racoon
12PM A Day Without Double Entendre Is a Day Without Sunshine
Female coworker, passing her piece of cake to male coworker: You better not touch my creamy bits!
Male coworker: It's okay. I only like the bottom anyway.
Broadway, Newmarket
Auckland
New Zealand
11AM I Stand Ready to Be Proven Wrong on This
Cube dweller: Nobody -not even the lord- can turn a box of toilet paper into wine.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: never a dull moment
10AM Cigarette, Anyone?
CEO wrapping up a video conference: I just want to thank everyone for making this the best three-way I've ever had!
Traverse City, Michigan
Overheard by: Admin Assistant K
9AM Oh No, My PayPal Account Is Empty! How Will I Pay This Strapping Young IT Guy?
Tech guy: I need to update your microscope software, have you seen the dongle?
Grad student: Um... Excuse me?
Tech guy: I need to plug the dongle in to get access to your machine.
Grad student: Uh... What would... That... Look like?
Tech guy: Oh wait, never mind, I see it. Thanks!
[Tech guy leaves.]
Grad student, to undergrad nearby: What the hell was he talking about?
Undergrad: I don't know, but I feel like we were about ten seconds away from being in a very nerdy porno.
North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
5PM Could You Slowly Narrate the Act Of Pulling It Out?
Caller, after lengthy pause: Sorry, I'm just unplugging the computer.
Tech support: That's ok. I just pretend I'm getting one of those heavy breathing calls.
Memphis, Tennessee
4PM Some Ancient Chinese Proverbs Translate Better Than Others
Worker #1: I think my fish is blind.
Worker #2: Seriously?
Worker #1: Yes, he can't find his food.
Worker #2: Maybe he's not hungry...
Worker #3, eavesdropping: Blind fish need homes too...
Anderson Street
Loma Linda, California
3PM Tonight's Movie: Yes, Virginia, There Really Is a Harassment Clause
Lesbian: Just say it: Vagina.
Queen: Virgina?
Lesbian: Vagina!
Editor: I can't wait till our first lawsuit...
W 35th
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: token chick
2PM We Really Hired You for More of a Sashay
Male client service monkey: Oh man, I can't wait to prance around the office in my tights.
Sansome and Sutter
San Francisco, California
1PM I Also Play the Fallopian Tuba
Woman: I really enjoyed your singing this morning.
Girl who sang: Thanks so much!
Woman: Yeah, it's always so great when someone just sings straight from the ovaries like that.
Girl who sang: Uhh... [Nervous laugh.]
Hotel
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Annah
12PM A World Which Exists Parallel to This One
IT nerd: So, we'll move that code to production at 5 AM on Thursday.
Programmer: Is that in the morning?
Mt. Prospect Plaza, Illinois
Overheard by: smeagol
11AM Watch Me Erase My Sins
Coworker: Oh my god, you still have Jesus on your pencil.
Pilot Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
10AM Or "Feline Life Coach," As She Prefers to Be Called
Receptionist #1: Do you mind watching the phones? I have a conference call. It'll probably last about 30 minutes.
Receptionist #2, confused: Who do you have to call?
Receptionist #1, very seriously: My cat psychic.
5th Avenue
New York City, New York
9AM Or the Fact That It's Leaking
Female coworker #1: There he is in his fancy car.
Female coworker #2: Yeah, he's totally making up for something.
Female coworker #1: See, I drive a family car, so I'm not concerned about the size of my clitoris.
Scarborough
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: C.note
5PM They're Making Amazing Strides in Hangnail Research These Days
Drone on phone: Oh yeah, my friend had that disease, he died... I'm sure you won't die, though.
Storke Road
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: angelina
4PM If There Are Complications, You Get a Set of Steak Knives
Patient: Do you offer any discounts if this is my second surgery?
Receptionist: Sure, we can throw in a free appendectomy or colonoscopy... Your choice.
Orange Avenue
Orlando, Florida
3PM Yipes! -- I Meant "Chew Each Other's Asses"
Boss to bickering clients on conference call: Do you guys always eat each other out like that?
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
2PM Sometimes I Feel Like the Boss Has Finally Lost It
Office worker: So then he launches into this big spiel about how black dogs taste better than white dogs.
Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: matt
1PM Or Do I Have to Call Mark and Ask Him Personally?
Coworker, to the whole group: Does anybody know what the dollar to douche-mark conversion is?
Seminole Trail
Charlottesville, Virginia
12PM Have You Had a Stroke?
Event planner: Oh, damn, this is terrible news. I just lost a snack set-up. First the breakfast burritos and now this! What's next... Anything but the Swedish fish!
West 23rd Street
New York City, New York
11AM Once This Transcript Came to Light, a Jury Acquitted Her of Poisoning His Coffee
Douche boss: Hey *Jennifer, what are you working on?
Overworked secretary: An expense report for John, why?
Douche boss: Oh man, you have to do John's expense reports too?
Overworked secretary: Yes, you asked me to start doing them last month.
Douche boss: Oh, yeah, right. I didn't want to mention this but, you haven't done my time sheet yet today.
Overworked secretary: Oh, I'm sorry, I'll do it right after this.
Douche boss: Uhh, is there any way we can get it done a little sooner?
Overworked secretary: Sure, I'll do it now, then.
Douche boss: Thanks, I just don't want to have to stay as late as you do tonight.
9th Street
Washington, DC
10AM Were You Like, Coxswain on the Gay Men's Crew or Something?
Straight developer to gay developer: Don't go straight! Your mom may have raised a homo, but she didn't raise a quitter!
State & Water
Peoria, Ilinois
Overheard by: only girl in an office of men...
9AM He May Be on to Us
Employee #1: Where does our CEO go? He randomly disappears for days.
Employee #2: He goes to CEO mountain, where all the CEOs stand around and circle jerk.
[CEO walks in minutes later.]
Employee #1: Hey Ben*, where were you? CEO mountain?
CEO: [Laughs.] Yeah, CEO mountain.
Employee #2: What do you guys do up there?
CEO: We all stand around and talk about our truculent staff.
Cambridge, Massachusetts
5PM Pedophiles Are Into Shoes, Right?
Coworker #1: He's not gay, he's a pedophile.
Coworker #2: There's a difference?
Hickson Road
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: H.
4PM Wish I Was a Sociopath and Didn't Care
Receptionist, putting her coat on: So, I'll see you guys on Monday, have a good weekend!
Coworkers, walking out of their offices: Uh... You know it's only four o'clock, right?
[Silence.]
Receptionist, removing coat: Dang, I was almost out the door too. Teaches me to say goodbye.
Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Brandy
3PM So Does the Guy Eat the Green Eggs and Ham or What?
Male peon: Lot of words on those pages.
Female peon, trying to read on her lunch break: [Blinks] Yeah... Being a book, and all.
Male peon: Well, I dunno. I never really read any book-books. Just, like, magazines and stuff.
Female peon: [Stares.]
Manor Road
Austin, Texas
2PM Since the Floor Is Slanted
Recruiter selling a prospective employee on the company: We don't consider them "departments" so much as "teams", because the...uh, flow...rolls...from one to the other...
Eisenhower Parkway
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: ...and I thought that 'rolled downhill'...
1PM As Soon As I Get That Operation
Guy on speakerphone: If I were you, and one day I will...
Homer & Helmcken
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: cube dweller
12PM Your Gold Metal Bikini Just Brings That Out in Me
Man #1: O-chu-daa.
Man #2: Huh?
Man #1: Tee-wanna-wunga.
Man #2: Dude, get out of here. You're speaking Hutt!
Lexington Ave
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Ethan
11AM I'm About 50% Certain
Girl #1: Well, her parents did give birth to her.
Girl #2: Which parent?!
Girl #1: ... Her mum.
England
Overheard by: Rachel Wills
10AM The Dating Pool Might Be Deeper Than I Thought
Woman worker: He said to me: "Has anyone ever told you you look like Ricky Schroeder?" I told him he was so rude, you don't tell a girl she looks like a man. But you know what, I kinda see where he's coming from.
Lake Oswego, Oregon
9AM I'm Sure You'll Be a Fine President
Employee #1: You know that part of your brain that stops you from doing stupid shit?
Employee #2: Nope.
Employee #1: Oh.
Galleria
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: consultantinka
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