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5PM Ever Tried Smoking a Tagalong?
Co-worker #1: Oh my god, girl scout cookies should so be illegal.
Co-worker #2: Yes...I have five boxes on my desk as we speak!
Co-worker #1: At least with crack you lose a lot of weight.
Wichita, Kansas
4PM Employee Evaluation: "Jake Does Gouda Work."
Boss: I smell your cheese... Or your feet.
Employee: Really? I ate it twenty minutes ago... Wait... What?
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: LOL
3PM "The Strong Man Is Mightiest Alone," He Said
Engineer during meeting: So I tried to ask Hitler yesterday, but he was no help.
Senlac Drive
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: hope he doesn't know I'm jewish...
2PM With the Understanding That It's Both Preventable and Curable
Insurance salesman: Maternity is covered as a sickness under this policy.
39th Avenue
Hollywood, Florida
1PM Translation: He Was Black in a White Neighborhood
News reporter #1: Why was he arrested?
News reporter #2: I guess he was suspicious-looking.
News reporter #1: Was he just going around arbitrarily replacing windshields?
Southern Maryland
Overheard by: Cubicle neighbor
12PM ...Metaphorically Speaking
Boss: Six months ago I was in pajamas with a bong!
W 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
11AM If You're a Cereal Killer, Maybe
Lab tech #1: So I've been going to the hospital in the mornings.
Lab tech #2: Oh, are you ok?
Lab tech #1: Oh no, I've been going to watch surgeries. It's a really great way to start off the day.
Harvard
Boston Massachusetts
Overheard by: Interesting Morning
10AM Aren't There Operations for That Now?
Angry office drone: Don't fuck up the entire presentation... It will be really hard to unfuck!
Latham
New York
9AM Just a Little One
Cubicle #1: Oh no, today is Tuesday the 13th! Does that mean anything?
Cubicle #2: Umm... Today is the 12th. Tomorrow is the 13th. And humpday!
Cubicle #1: Oh no! Wednesday the 13th! Does that mean anything?
Cubicle #2: Well, it's the day before Valentine's Day. You got your wife something already, right?
Cubicle #1: Dang! I better think of something quick, right?
Cubicle #2: You haven't gotten a card or anything?
Cubicle #1: Well, I did actually get her a gift. But I opened up my trunk yesterday and it smelled funny so I took it back.
Cubicle #2: ... It wasn't a puppy, was it?
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM Is That What the Kids Are Calling It These Days?
Peon #1, reading spam title out loud: "...all wet and pink..."
Peon #2: Are they talking about a flamingo?
Palmer Street
Missoula, Montana
4PM The Workshop Required Them All to Crochet "Fags Is the Best Girlfriends" on Little Pillows
Black female coworker: Oooh, honey, I love me some fags. Fags is the best girlfriends.
White queer coworker: That's 'cause we all want to be black women!
White female coworker: Can the rest of us get workplace diversity hours for listening to this shit?
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Giggling in my cube
3PM I'm Even Making the Groomsmen Get Their Backs Waxed
Manager: We're getting married in Gibraltar.
Designer: Oh, that sounds nice.
Manager: You know, you've heard of Gibraltar. Rocks... Monkeys... Except I don't like monkeys. I don't want monkeys in my wedding!
UNC-Chapel Hill
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
2PM And What Exactly Did He Prove?
CFO: There has to be a way to gather that information.
Financial analyst: But what you are asking me to do is simply guessing. I don't have tools to gather information that can't be proven!
CFO: Hey! Socrates only had a stick and sand!
Fourth Street
Berkeley, California
Overheard by: dude
1PM To Their Sims Avatars, Anyway
[In a crowded computer room]
Female: Dude, nobody in here even likes you.
Male: I have made love to everyone in this room!
West San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: CCRadio
12PM You Are Underutilized in Your Current Position, Dr. Lecter
Cube chick: You should go in Jeff's office -it is so cold in there you could hang meat.
Cube dude: I hang meat everywhere I go.
Dallas, Texas
11AM Which in Wisconsin Often Spells Frostbite
Female worker #1: You know he's doing a show here, right?
Female worker #2: Oh, someone get me a tissue, my panties are wet.
Barnes & Noble
Greenfield, Wisconsin
Overheard by: darkhorse
10AM Even Telling the Truth About It Nauseates Me
Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, no one at the tower can answer your call right now, there is a quartet singing a valentine on the floor. [pause] No sir, I wouldn't lie about such a thing.
N. Frontage Road
Jackson, Mississippi
9AM I'll Send You Periodic Texts on My Progress
Office lady: I'm off to the bathroom! I couldn't get the poop du jour out before work this morning!
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: please hold while I alert the media
5PM Amphetamines Are an Excellent Short-Term Management Tool
Hostess: I once gave everyone in my restaurant an Adderall. We had never been more efficient!
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM Not the Third Time It Takes Its SATs
Office worker #1: .... Mmmmmm.... You really don't look well. What's wrong?
Office worker #2: Well I don't know... Is it normal for your bladder to be apprehensive?
Grafton Street
Dublin
Ireland
Overheard by: Rory the irish guy
3PM I Was a Cornhusker Cheerleader, Y'know
Female clerk: Hey *Mark, you don't sound like you want to be here today.
Male clerk: And you want to be here today?
Female clerk: You want me to rub it off for ya?
Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Db's Mom
2PM I Don't Even Try to Fit in Anymore
Coworker #1: Yeah, we should go ahead and fix that. Then, when we're done, we could dance around it like pagans.
Coworker #2: What? I don't even know what to say to you sometimes.
Coworker #1: Just stand back and pity my mother.
Washington, DC
1PM It's Replaced Terrorism As the Leading American Phobia
Woman on phone: I just don't want you to end up on that show where the news reporter comes into the kitchen and the guys have their pants off...
K Street
Washington, DC
12PM Believe Me-- You'd Know.
Psyched manager: We presented to about sixty businesses today...I wonder if we're double penetrating!
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Couchsitter
11AM But You Can Say "Satan Planted the Dinosaur Bones"?
Front office lady #1: "Abraham begot Isaac." What does that mean?
Front office lady #2: It means Abraham is Isaac's father -he had Isaac. It's like "Adam knew Eve." That means Adam banged her.
Front office lady #1: I don't think you can say that.
Medical Office
Lincoln, Nebraska
10AM Craig, Definitely
Project manager: So, when Janet* gets it from both sides next week... Do you think that is what Craig* and Barbara* really want?
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: The Quiet Consultant
9AM With a Shout-Out to the Salt and Grease Groups
Manager lady #1: I guess I stocked up -I mean, I got Doritos! Do those count?
Manager lady #2: Yeah, they do, they're one of the food groups.
[pause]
In unison: Corn.
Kansas City, Kansas
Overheard by: can't believe i work with them
5PM Unless You Wish to Enter the Ranks of Ravaged Interns
Peon #1: But you don't drink that coffee.
Peon #2: I just want something down my throat.
Peon #1: Oh, you shouldn't say that.
Peon #2: I mean I just want something warm down my throat.
Peon #1: You shouldn't say that either.
Stevens Creek Boulevard
Cupertino, California
4PM And When I Call Her, She Answers Only to Say, "I'm Not Here-- Leave a Message"
VP: I can't understand some people. I emailed *Karen with a specific question and she just replied, "I am currently out of the office and will return in one week". Why didn't she answer my question?
Beachwood, Ohio
3PM Bill Clinton: "That Stuff's Still There?"
White dude to black coworker: The cool thing about Obama is that he is able to transcend race. He's the ultimate embodiment of American multiculturalism and pluralism. He's white and black, and his race doesn't matter, he's got character, which was Martin Luther King's dream, that people would be judged according to the content of their character, not the color of their skin.
White dude #2: Yeah, well, I just can't wait until Obama gets into office and he invites MTV over to the White House to film an episode of Cribs and he's got a stripper pole in the basement right by his poster of Scarface.
130th Street
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: Stan Green
2PM When It Comes to Rorschach Tests, You Have to Think Outside the Box
Art director: Do these look like vaginas to you?
Research manager: Actually, it could be shrimp cocktail.
Seventh Avenue
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Where's the horseradish?
1PM You're Not Going to Start Moaning Again, Are You?
Birthday cake passer outer: Hey, don't you want a fork?
Old, creepy IT guy: No, I'll just finger it.
Highwoods Parkway
Glen Allen, Virginia
Overheard by: Not even surprised
12PM Nobody Wants to Hear About Your Public-Domain Software
Male program manager: I got a hair in my mouth...[pulls it out] Gross...
Male manager: It's not mine, I don't have any down there.
Redmond, Washington
Overheard by: uhhh...what?
11AM Being Irish Is Part Nature and Part Nurture
Male coworker, pointing at big sweater: This is Irish!
Female Irish-American coworker, pointing at crotch: So is this!
Male coworker: Because it's freckly and smells like Guinness?
Austin, Texas
10AM For the Last Time, "Mailer-Daemon" Is Not a Person
VP: The guy's stupider than he looks.
Peon: What does he look like?
VP: I don't know, I've never seen him.
Beachwood, Ohio
9AM Can I Play, Too?
Worried manager: What are you doing over there? Sounds like you are playing with Legos. Dear God, you are!
Hartford, Connecticut
5PM With Slightly Less Singing and Slightly More Stabbing
Older boss woman: I used to teach Puerto Rican girls in Harlem. They were really tough kids.
Zoned out lady employee: Oh, like west side story.
Troy, New York
Overheard by: Sneaker
4PM Challenge: Answer This Without Using a Double Entendre
Woman sipping her soda through a straw, the day after the super bowl: If I suck hard enough, will Justin Timberlake come?
Lincoln Village Drive
Rancho Cordova, California
Overheard by: That's What She Said
3PM She Got Everything in the Divorce
Sales guy: You know how those lesbian Jews can be! The only thing worse than a lesbian Jew is a lesbian Jew attorney! And I know that, so I can say it.
Glenlake Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: almost offended... almost
2PM I'm Barred from the NASA Museum for Life
Male coworker: In my own little way I got to ride John Glenn's rocket!
Gaines Street
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: Just passing by
1PM Have You Ever Seen a Horse Slip on a Banana Peel? Disaster
Office peon on phone: ... It's almost like you're putting the monkey before the horse.
S. Lima Street
Englewood, Colorado
12PM A Man Should Know How to Lay a Perfect Bead
Radio commercial: Next time you're in the shower, take a look at that caulk!
Office worker: What?!
Peters Brook Dr
Hooksett, New Hampshire
11AM Parents of Newborns Can Be So Competitive
Sales rep, on the phone with a client: Well, why don't you tell me how big yours is, and I'll tell you how big mine is.
Coker Tire
Chattanooga, Tennessee
10AM Over by the Romance Novels?
Library patron approaching the desk: Uhhhhh, someone left their pants.
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: Emily
9AM Oh, Stop Fishing for Compliments
Desk worker #1: I think we need something new in our lobby.
Desk worker #2: I could use a new rack. Mine's all worn out. See how this just hangs?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: institution of higher education
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