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5PM Something About the Lifts Representing the Unfair Advantage of the Bourgeosie
Investment broker: My kid's a socialist. He'd rather hang out with his friends than ski with us.
Portland Square
Portland, Maine
4PM As Required by Minnesota Law
HR person, filling out paperwork for new employee: I need to know the name of the bank to direct deposit your check to.
New employee, dumbfounded: Um, shoot, I can't remember it. Oh, it's the one connected to the liquor store!
Hanson Avenue
Albert Lea, Minnesota
3PM Even You Didn't Have to Be Trained to Eat
Manager: She was an elephant trainer in Thailand.
Assistant: Oh yeah, like that's hard. Eat the peanut, bitch! [makes a whip gesture and cracking sound.]
Kirkwood, Missouri
Overheard by: Matt
2PM I Used the Sacred Highlighter of Righteousness
Office clerk: Wait, this doesn't look right.
Manager: It has to be right -it's highlighted.
Office clerk: Maybe someone highlighted the wrong thing, because that's not right.
Manager: I highlighted it.
Office clerk: Well, I think it may be wrong.
Manager: It can't be wrong. It's highlighted.
5th Avenue
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Saw the Light
1PM We'll Need to Do It Now, But We Can Wear Bermuda Shorts
Editor-in-chief, about how urgent a specific task is: Fairly urgent, but in a leisurely sort of way.
Mississauga
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Confused, but in an understanding sort of way
12PM When High-Concept Office Furniture Goes Too Far
Office drone #1, shouting over cubical wall: Have you been pegged?
Office drone #2: Apparently.
New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: McNasty
11AM For One Thing, There'll Be Repercolations in the Foreign Markets
Boss: So what would be the wider business implamications of this?
Canberra
Australia
Overheard by: glad she wasn't in that meeting
10AM The Flash Bubble Game Is My Gateway to High Achievement
Rep #1: Where is the Ford script?
Copywriter, playing flash bubble game: I am working on it right now.
[one minute later]
Rep #2: Where is the taxi script?
Copywriter, playing flash bubble game: I am working on it right now.
[less than a minute later]
Rep #3: Where is the restaurant chain script?
Copywriter, playing flash bubble game: I am working on it right now.
Rep #3: At least turn the volume down dude...
Robertson Street
Fortitude Valley
Australia
9AM ...Without the Use of the Word "Santorum"
Boss: So, where did Mike* go?
Underling: He had to go home. Some pet emergency. He said there's an unidentified liquid coming out of his cat's ass.
Boss: Well, that's an excuse I've never heard before...
Cypress Street
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: I didn't need to know that
5PM I've Been Waiting All Day to Say That
Coworker #1: What are you doing this weekend?
Coworker #2: Maybe a movie.
Coworker #3: Man, it's a lot harder to have sex downtown than I thought it would be.
Coworkers #1 and #2: [stunned silence].
Vernon Hills, Illinois
Overheard by: This Guy
4PM H.P. Lovecraft's Cafeteria of the Morbidly Obese Changed It -Quickly
Little girl: We're going to the three floor.
Mom: The third floor.
Little girl: Third floor. Mommy, what's on the third floor?
Mom: The cafeteria. I'm gonna see if they can get you a salad instead of the crap you eat.
[doors open, they get off and start walking away.]
Little girl: I eat chocolate two times every day, and there's nothing you can do to change that.
Avenue of the Americas
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Duncan
3PM Like, This Shelf of Folded T-Shirts Is Anna Karenina
Smug manager: The store is set up in concepts.
New, confused employee: [nods]
Smug manager: We like to think that it tells a story.
Banana Republic
Dulles, Virginia
Overheard by: Karen
2PM She Wins the Office Gracie Allen Award Every Year
Very serious ditzy receptionist: On project runway last night, I picked the winner and loser of the challenge and the order everyone was going to be called out before Heidi even called them.
Receptionist friend: You rock.
Very serious ditzy receptionist: I know. [pauses] But that doesn't mean I'm made of stone.
Columbus, Ohio
1PM I Wouldn't Still Have This Radiant Glow
Male assistant on phone: I think I'd know if I'd given birth.
Madison Avenue Office Building
New York City, New York
12PM Hence the Wheelchair
Ad rep on the phone with client: So, Wendy isn't my real name, but I changed it to Wendy, because I like Peter Pan so much. Like, even as a kid, I used to jump out of windows.
Gulf of Mexico Drive
Longboat Key, Florida
11AM Then I'm Not Sure My NAFTA Piece Will Make Any Sense
Editor-in-chief: So I can't say "pubic" on one of our editorials?
Opinion editor: No.
Editor-in-chief: And you won't let me say "Anal osculation?"
Opinion editor: No!
E Pratt St
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Working at
10AM The Tendrils That Escape My Bikini Are Just Advertising
Female employee #1: I thought the least I could do to get ready for my cruise is getting a pedicure.
Female employee #2: Are you going to a bikini wax too?
Female employee #1: No, getting a pedicure is already almost too girly for me.
Female employee #2: C'mon Andrea*, once you have it done, you will be amazed at how neat and pretty it can be down there.
Female employee #1: No way! I like to be "all natural," including down there if you know what I mean.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Em-bare-ssed
9AM Or She Goes Into Spamaphylactic Shock
Woman #1, looking over cubicle: Rachel is going to be angry that you are sending her so many emails.
Woman #2, turning around: Who gives a fuck?
Woman #1: Seriously, you better watch it. [looks around] She can't take too many emails, she has to pace herself.
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Not pacing myself!
5PM He Needs Special Arthropodic Shoes
Asian girl: I only know his size in millimeters -it's 245.
Shoe store clerk: I won't be able to help you, we only have American sizes and centipedes.
Asian girl: Ok, Einstein. Give me a 24.5 centipede.
Potomac Mills
Woodbridge, Virginia
Overheard by: Steve
4PM Not the Ones I See in Magazines, Anyway
Geek: I hate to break it to you, but surfers don't wear coats.
William Street
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Misanthropic Scott
2PM Okay, Now What Does This "Crittle" Key Do?
Caller: I can't seem to log into my account.
CS rep: Have you entered your username and password into the login fields?
Caller: Yes, I have.
CS rep: Okay now press the enter key.
Caller: Where's the enter key?
Earthlink Customer Service
San Jose, California
1PM Yeah, We Saw The Bullet-Point on Your Resume.
Intern, after a lengthy conversation with a make-up artist: Oh, and by the way, I'm here to do more than have conversations about murder and rape...
Sargent Place
Los Angeles, California
12PM Mmmm, Poisonberry...
Office bimbette: Did you use your new pen yet? Did you smell it?
Broadway
New York City, New York
11AM Knew I Shoulda Told Him It Was His Idea
Boss: Hey whackadoo! [pause] Shut the fuck up.
Rochester, Minnesota
Overheard by: Kirby
10AM Better Than Last Year's Price Club Fiasco
Diner in expensive restaurant, arguing over the bill for his family Christmas party: This wine is a lot cheaper in the grocery store!
Manager: And what would your in-laws think of you if you had the family Christmas party in isle three of a super Wal-Mart?
Illinios Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM Good Thing It Said "Happy Arbor Day"
Man on phone: What do you mean he's not dead? I've bought his wife a card and put it through the door!
Leatherhead
Surrey
England
Overheard by: Bav
5PM Without Contempt for the Customer, No One Could Work in a Department Store
Older saleswoman, picking up the phone: Hello, this is Sue. How may I help you? Yes? Oh, no! Oh, dear! Definitely! Absolutely, just bring it on in and I'll take care of it for you. No problem! I'm soooo sorry. I am so, so, so sorry!! [Hangs up phone.] I'm sorry your mother was a prostitute.
Department Store
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: lisa
4PM Let's Eat Our Ramen Dinners Together Tonight
Recent male college grad: So I just quit my job...
Recent female college grad: Oh my god, that's awesome!
Recent male college grad: I love our age group- everyone's excited and envious of me -and not appalled...
San Francisco, Califronia
Overheard by: Still Employed... Unfortunately
3PM I Strut
Salesman: What you need to do is sashay out there and tell him like it is.
Boss: First of all, bro, I do not sashay.
State Street
Beaver, Pennsylvania
2PM Could You Make Up Your Mind?
Designers talking about an ad: I'd throw a white girl in there, for shits and giggles.
Midtown
New York City, New York
1PM Catholic Martyr, Actually
Female coworker #1: What did you do at the tailgate party?
Male coworker: I just started playing beanbags with some random people.
Female coworker #2: Hey, have you ever heard of a game called Redneck Horseshoes? It's sort of like beanbags.
Male Coworker: No, I haven't heard of it.
Female Coworker #2: Oh, it must just be a Missouri thing.
Female Coworker #1: That's sounds more like a Missour-ah thing.
Female coworker #2: Missour-ah...where's that?
Female coworker #1: You know. Everything that's not St. Louis.
Female coworker #2: Is that a state, or a city or something?
West Monroe Street
Chicago, Illinois
12PM You Got a Little Panache on Your Necktie
Intern, after belching: I'm trying to have style, class, and panache, but it's just not working.
Broadway
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
11AM Doesn't Explain Why Julia Roberts Looks Like That
Coworker #1: Have you ever seen "The Hills Have Eyes"?
Coworker #2: Nah, I don't like horror movies about mutants.
Coworker #1: They're not mutants. Okay, they like live in this town where the government did like nuclear testing and it...
Coworker #2: Turned them into mutants.
Coworker #1: Well I guess... Based on how you define mutant.
Coworker #2: Someone who is changed or 'mutated' by radioactive material... Mutant.
Coworker #1: Yeah? well they all lived in this town where they were doing testing.
Coworker #3: Oh yeah. I saw that one. It gets into the water supply and there's like a big lawsuit!
Coworker #2: No dude, that's "Erin Brockovich"
Coworker #3: Oh. Yeah.
E Golf Rd
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
10AM Don't Be Hatin' on the Velveeta
Office worker: At first I thought it was cheese, but that would be optimistic.
Sixth Avenue
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Eyeteeth
9AM Mom's No Miracle Worker
Mom, as toddler runs into doorway: Look out, Helen Keller!
E Hadley Road
Indiana
Overheard by: Amanda
5PM Want to Know What's in the 'Everything Bagel'?
Male associate: Hey Sean, it's not working [holds a squeeze bottle of flesh colored sauce in front of himself.] I can't get it to come!
Sean, slowly: Put the bottle down.
Female associate: You freak. There's customers here!
Center Ridge Road
Rocky River, Ohio
Overheard by: silent one
4PM Could You Run That Scene a Few More Times While I Watch From This Booth?
Studio Manager: I loved the part when you were a lesbian.
New York City, New York
3PM Drive-Thru Duty at the Bangalore Call Center Is Lonely Work
Delivery lady, on phone: Okay, what can I get for you?
Customer on the other end: I'd like a medium pepperoni pizza with no sauce and a cherry coke.
Lady, typing on a computer: Okay, a medium pizza with no sauce, just plain cheese, is that correct?
Customer: No. With pepperoni. And a cherry coke.
Lady: Pepperoni... [types again] I'm just pushing all the wrong buttons tonight.
Customer: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Lady: It's one of those days where you just shouldn't have woken up, you know?
Customer: Uh... yeah.
Lady: At least it's almost over though, right?
Customer: ...right....
Lady: So you said you wanted a medium pepperoni pizza, with no sauce, a side of ranch, and a cherry coke?
Customer: No side of ranch.
Lady: Awww, but ranch is good for you!
Customer: ...no ranch, thank you.
Lady: Fine, goodnight. [hangs up phone]
Hanover, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Will
2PM What Happens When You Don't Train a New Manager
HR clerk: He got so excited and he crapped all over himself.
Receptionist, laughing: Did Jim [manager] do that again?
Hr clerk: Uh, no, I was talking about my new puppy.
Receptionist: Oh, forget what I just said. Please forget! I was supposed to forget.
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
1PM We've Just Found Our Slogan!
Ad guy, discussing viability of a "dildo flask": That way you have a business end and a party end.
Ad gal: Both ends are the party end on a hoo-ha flask!
Rio Salado Parkway
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: Jeff
12PM I Tried Veering the Car, But My Husband Kept Straightening the Wheel
Coworker #1, as coworker #2 comes in late: Oh, hi! I thought you were in a ditch or something.
Coworker #2: Ooh, I wish!
5th Avenue
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Devil Spanker
11AM Ralph Lauren Is Straight?
Coworker #1: I heard Sophia Loren was ill.
Coworker #2: Is that Ralph Lauren's wife?
48th street
Pompano Beach, Florida
10AM When Bible Story Re-Enactments Go Awry
CFO: So what will it be like? Should I be the sheep and you the one who drags me around? Oh, here's the check.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: just waiting for a check
9AM But You're Here
Black salesman: How do you know about that part of town?
White manager: Coz that's where the bitches is at!
Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Anonymous Temp
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