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5PM But the Pool Doesn't Receive Any Mail
Pool Owner: Yes, I would like you to close my pool for the winter.
Clerk: Okay, great. Where is the pool located.
Pool Owner: In our backyard.
Clerk: Yes Ma'am I appreciate that since we have never found a permit approved for a front yard pool. Now what is the address of your pool?
Pool Owner: Was that a stupid answer?
Henninger Court
Chantilly, Virginia
Overheard by: SKippyMom
4PM Wasted Away Again in Marymagdaville
Owner: Oh shit. I just spilled tequila on the church fliers.
Jonesboro, Arizona
Overheard by: Mark Knight
3PM Butter Me Up If You Must
Guy engineer #1: Hey, want a muffin?
Guy engineer #2: Dude, you're my muffin.
Guy engineer #1, in small voice: I feel uncomfortable now.
E. County Road
Wellington, Colorado
2PM Muscle Shirts Just Look Unfortunate on Him Now
Salesman: That man was crazy!
Architect: Was he gay?
Salesman: No, he's too old to be gay!
Williamsburg, Virginia
Overheard by: Not too old
1PM Bastard Tried to Amortize It
Prospective intern #1: So, how was it?
Prospective intern #2: Dude, he mentioned EBTIDA so many times that I got a boner.
Broad Street
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Lloyd Blankfein
12PM Wouldn't Stop Driving My Hot Rod Lincoln
Woman: I'd like to pay my cell phone bill, but it's in my son's name and I don't have the password to see it online. So, I need to know how much it is.
Employee: You can't pay it without his authorization. I can't tell you how much it is.
Woman: He can't authorize anything, he's incarcerated.
Employee: Well, we'll need a copy of the obituary or the death certificate.
Woman: What? He's incarcerated! [pause] He's in jail.
Employee: Oh.
Frederick, Maryland
11AM Or Correctly Define "Add"
Software developer, after running a successful test: Boo-yah! I'm not dumb! I may not know what 12 minus 5 is, but I'm not dumb! Who cares if I can't add?
Suburb
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM I Don't Know Why They Don't Just Send Those Folks to Find Bin Laden
Secretary #1, talking about the real-life Napa Valley Halloween murder case: The police used his DNA and the kind of cigarettes he smoked to catch the murderer.
Secretary #2: Just like on CSI!
School
Hamilton, Ohio
Overheard by: TV has the best ideas
9AM At Our Sister Website Overheard in the Orifice
Cool manager: No genitalia sculptures on my desk this morning... Pretty good day.
Broomfield, Colorado
Overheard by: Russ G
5PM Jason Learns of Places Even Worse Than Indianapolis
Busboy: I'm joining the national guard next week. You get lots of tuition for only one weekend a month and two weeks a year.
Manager: Yeah, right. Pick me up a key chain from Baghdad, would you?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
4PM Oh Wait-- It's Winter There When It's Summer Here, Right?
Young guy in office to crowd: Yeah, I spent all of last summer visiting Holland.
Only girl in office: Really? Oh my god, how was the fourth of July over there?
Guy and office: [silence].
18th Street
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Quiet Chuckler
3PM The Clerk Used to Work at Starbucks
Customer: I need to get a dozen and a half, mixed.
Clerk, counting on her day-glo orange fingernails: It'd be cheaper if you got 18.
Customer: What's the difference?
Clerk: ten cents.
Smirking customer: Ok, I'll take 18.
Dunkin' Donuts
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: are u kidding me?
2PM I'd Have to See the Poster
Male employee: I think that guy was flirting with you.
Female employee: What are you talking about?
Male employee: You are like the workplace poster girl. Crap, is that harassment?
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Centerfold
1PM PTSD Is Quite Common in the Postal Service
Woman yelling to husband over cell phone, with look of horror in her eyes: *Bob? Bob?!? Bob, are you crying? Are you crying, bob?!? Yes, I need stamps. 100 of them.
University Place
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Studs
12PM When Season 5's Lisa Peed in an Adult Diaper, the Show Forfeited Any Outside Chance at Glamour
Female staff: Oh man, I'm so into "America's Next Top Model." You know that show.
Male staff: Oh yes. Good quality programming.
Female staff: They were having this marathon on VH1 this weekend, like the whole last season all at once. I got so hooked. But I missed the last two or three episodes, so I don't know who won it.
Male staff: That's awful. You really don't know? That was last season.
Female staff: No, I didn't see the last few episodes.
Male staff: You mean to tell me that you don't know who won last season's "America's Next Top Model"?
Female staff: I didn't see the last episode?
Male staff: But you don't recognize her from all of the glamorous advertisements and runway shows she's been doing?
Female staff: Well, no, I... Oh. You're being sarcastic.
Male staff: For minutes now.
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
11AM If It Were Vanity, You Could Be Charged with a Hate Crime
Accounting peon #1: This pen leaks. I look like I killed a smurf with my bare hands.
Accounting peon #2: Which smurf?
Accounting peon #1: Jokey.
Accounting peon #2: Nice.
Westridge
Watsonville, California
Overheard by: Happens to me too.
10AM Just Change Your Mousepad and Get Back to Work
Woman to HR director: Can I get workers compensation for pulling my twat muscle?
HR director: What's a twat muscle?
Dallas, Texas
9AM She's a Lot Less Animated These Days
Worker bee #1: Hey, did you notice Claire* doesn't wear that green suit thing anymore?
Worker bee #2: No, I think she realized people were calling her Shrek.
Worker bee #1: [after a pause.] yeah... Yeah I can see that actually.
Civic Drive
Greensborough
Australia
Overheard by: it's so true
5PM Right After "Thou Shalt Not Let Thy Friends Go Home with Ugly People"
Underling to boss, incredulous: The lord was cock-blocking you?!
Boss: Sure! It's in the bible!
Los Angeles, California
4PM Sign: You Must Be This Tall to Be a Mom
Woman co-worker: She's just always been angry at the world. She thinks people don't respect her because she's a midget, and a single mother.
Crenshaw Blvd
Torrance, California
3PM What Did People Do Before That Excuse?
Customer service rep to customer service rep: Dude, I totally fell asleep in the middle of that last call. The lady was like, uh, hello? I said, uh, yeah, sorry about that. My computer's really slow.
Elevator
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: I can't believe I work here...
2PM But It Also Limits the Number Of People Who'd Steal Your Jacket
Office manager to adult male employee, in reference to getting his name embroidered on his jacket: No, you never do that. That means pedophiles can come up to you and go "Jooohhn... Come heeeeeere, I've got some caaaaaaandy!"
Humble Texas
1PM Raise Your Hand If You Assumed "Get My Freak On" Meant Something Else
White attorney,at deposition: Are there any activities you used to do before the accident that you can no longer do?
Trinidadian woman, 55: I can't get my freak on anymore.
White attorney, smiling: Remember, I have to report this to a bunch of other white people. How often did you used to freak before the accident?
Trinidadian woman: Oh, I went to dance clubs all the time. Plus I used to go hiking all the time.
White attorney: And by "hiking," you mean walking on nature trails, right? I mean, that's not some hip-hop slang, right?
Trinidadian woman: Yeah, just walking up mountains and stuff.
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
12PM No Matter How Much MacGyver I Watched As a Kid
Frustrated lawyer on phone: I know they are engineers! But I cannot draft a contract using only Venn diagrams, mathematic equations and animé references!
Lamar Overland Park
Kansas
Overheard by: Needs A Drink
11AM I'd Like My Offspring to Have the Eye Of the Tiger
Stockbroker, matter-of-factly: I don't care about the results of interspecies breeding, I just want to have entire populations of zoos inseminating our women. That is an end in itself.
Financial District
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM Like You've Never Stared at His Package?
Flustered bailiff: Ok, I sound a little obsessed with this woman I have zero connection to other than she had sex with the delivery guy my married co-worker has a crush on, but seriously, what a whore.
Hall of Justice
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Administration
9AM Just Pretend I Am A Voter, Tell ME You Are, Then Ignore MY Wishes
Clerk: Okay, you have 12:45 and 1:45 subcommittees, AG is at 1:00, and Natural Resources is at 2: 00. I'm going to leave everything here on my desk and go do some work in the back office.
Senator: Do you even think I'm listening to you?
Clerk: No, not really.
State Capitol
Des Moines, Iowa
5PM I Was Thinking More in Terms Of Using It As Toilet Paper
Editor to writer: Do you want to talk about your cover story submission?
Writer: Not really.
Editor: Well, there are a couple of techniques we could use to improve it.
Writer: Is one of them leaving it the hell alone?
Augusta, Georgia
4PM You Probably Think This Quote Is about You
Co-worker to boss: You wanna hear how self-centered I am?
Boss: Please!
Los Angeles, California
3PM To Use a Completely Hypothetical Example.
Professor: So, you know how if you feed your sister-in-law's kid a lot of sugar and caffeine, and he gets all crazy-like and runs around screaming? Well, that's like exciting the molecule. And after a while, the excitement dies down, and he hits something. Like a wall. And if you're lucky, he vomits. Fluorescence is the vomit of molecule excitation.
High Point University
High Point, North Carolina
Overheard by: This is what we're teaching the leaders of tomorrow?
2PM Got My Algorithms in the Air Like I Just Don't Care!
Software programmer, rapping while coding: Encrypt that shit! Encrypt that shit! Keep those bitches out of our shit!
Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Chris
1PM I'm a Married Man
Female clerk: Did you eat yet?
Male clerk: Yeah, I've been here since 1:30.
Female clerk: Ooh! Then can I lint-brush you?
Convenience Store
Brighton, Massachusetts
12PM So That Was You in the Potted Plant?
Professor: We need this paper to be huge! I want people to fear us when we go to meetings... We need to be like male elephants!
Grad student #1: You want me to grow tusks?
Grad student #2: You want me to grow big ears?
Professor: No! We need to pee all over everything!
Johns Hopkins University
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
11AM And Write Up a Comprehensive Report.
Employee, to boss : These internet blocks suck. I just got kicked off for trying to google whether or not Jamie Lee Curtis is a hermaphrodite!
Boss : Well, try to remember to look it up when you get home.
Providence, Rhode Island
10AM Just Answer the Question, Miss
Nurse, screening for life insurance: So tell me about your siblings...
Male worker: Well, I have 3 sisters, two older and one who's a twin. I'm the youngest by two minutes.
Nurse: Oh, really? You have a twin sister? Are you identical?
Male worker: Are you serious? You're a professional nurse and you're asking me if I'm identical to my twin sister? Is this screening over because I've got work to do.
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: Stan Green
9AM My Taste Buds Are Resurrected
Excited graduate assistant: Cadbury cream eggs are like the Jesus of Easter!
Faculty passerby: Wait, what?
Ohio State University
Columbus, Ohio
5PM I Was TRYING to Look at Kiddie Porn
Engineer, to the HR director: Just in case you get a phone call about it later, I wasn't trying to look at gay porn on my computer.
Farmers Branch, Texas
4PM Why "Employees Must Wash Hands" Signs Exist
Gay server #1: We'll be meeting that non-lesbian who looks just like a guy.
Gay server #2: Dibs on her anus.
[pause]
Gay server #1: It's always about the anus with you, isn't it?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
3PM It's So Cold in Minneapolis That People Slaughter Dogs to Sleep In
Girl: I was in the meeting today and I thought to myself -hmm, I think I smell like carcass...
Parkplace and Gamble
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: cubsicle
2PM You're Less Fun Every Time I Talk to You
Co-worker #1: Man! Sasha* is on the phone every time I go over there to talk to her.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, you're right! She is! You know who else is on the phone a lot? Latoya*.
Co-worker #1: ... She's the receptionist...
Tysons Corner, Virginia
1PM You Can't Even Prove That Caused the Rash.
Dispatcher: Don't take it personally. You gave me the finger, I gave you the tongue.
Salt Lake, Utah
12PM And As Stenographers
Publisher rep: This guy did a study on blind men who use prostitutes.
Book buyer: Ok.
Publisher rep, whispering: For sex.
308 Westwood Plaza
Los Angeles, California
11AM Dear Diary-- Told Charlotte How I Feel Today!
Office chick #1: Hey, I like your shoes. Are they new?
Office chick #2: Thanks. I've had them for a while. I just haven't been wearing them.
Office chick #1: They're kind of low cut.
Office dude: Yeah, I can see a lot of arch. If this was the middle east, I'd totally be raping you right now.
Rancho Cordova, California
Overheard by: Good thing we're in Cali.
10AM To Be Fair, Though, It Also Ebbs.
Systems administrator: No, it isn't a flowchart, it's a chart that just happens to flow.
Aberdeen
Scotland
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Auditor in the corner
9AM Is There a Shortcut for That?
Office girl #1: Is there a shortcut to delete something in excel?
Office girl #2: Just hit delete.
Office girl #1: Yeah but you know how Control-c is copy and Control-v is paste.
Office girl #2: Well there is an actual delete button.
Office girl #1: No, I know -I am just trying to save time.
Office girl #2: Well hitting two buttons is not going to be quicker than hitting one.
Office girl #1: I know -but it's a shortcut, you know?
Office girl #2: Google it.
Corporate Pointe
Culver City, California
Overheard by: Lyn
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