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5PM Dude, You Need to Quit Watching The L Word
Developer, talking about boss: Yeah, and I was giving him crap because he wouldn't come out with us because his wife's gay... I mean pregnant!
State & Water
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: only girl in an office of men...
4PM Or Who Takes Magic Mushrooms. Whatever.
Editor: I want a story about a person.
Intern: What kind?
Editor: Oh, I don't know. But it could be a lollipop man, who straps a rocket to the back of his lollipop, and now flies to New York in five seconds.
Edinburgh
Scotland
3PM I Need to Know Whether Asking Murphy* Out Will Require Tapping My Foot in a Bathroom Stall
Man: Is Murphy* a man? Or a woman?
Woman: Does it matter?
Man: Um yeah. I was going to ask Terry out, and the shape of his? Her? Genitals rather matters to me.
Woman: Bigot.
Church in Victoria
British Columbia
Canadia
2PM Next You'll Tell Me a Sweaty Butt Doesn't Mean Six More Weeks of Winter
Female clerk: My nipples itch... Someone must be thinking about me.
Male doctor: What?!?
Female clerk: Isn't that what they say? When your nipples itch someone is thinking about you?
Male doctor: Nooooooo...
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Who-la-hey
1PM Realistic About How Dumb and Slutty Women Are
Male Debt Collector #1: ...I'm pretty sexist.
Male Debt Collector #2: I'm not sexist, I'm just realistic.
Magill
South Australia
Australia
Overheard by: Ilse
12PM One Day Lenny Would Quit His Job at the Pillow Factory
Frustrated supervisor: Yeah, I'm down with all this safety crap, but you know? Sometimes I wish I had a job where I could potentially cut my hand off.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Mr. Safety
11AM And Is Your Shirt Tucked Into Your Boxers?
Co-worker #1: You're wearing socks with sandals.
Co-worker #2: So?
Co-worker #1: You're lucky I'm even talking to you.
Decatur Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
10AM Can I Omit Truths to a Drag Queen?
Boss: Never lie to a transsexual!
Los Angeles, California
9AM Left Handed?
Co-worker #1: So the new governor of New York is legally blind!
Co-worker #2: Yeah, and he's black. And he's something else too... Blind, black... And... What else?
Co-worker #3: What else is there?
Burlington, Massachusetts
5PM The Gift Store Did Have Designer Hand Grenades, Though
Coworker #1: Yeah, I went to Egypt but I didn't really like it that much because it was so commercialized.
Coworker #2: I felt the same way about Israel... It was like there were just too many gift shops.
Ex-army coworker: I went to Iraq. It wasn't commercialized at all.
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
4PM Cassius Clay! You've Got a Point!
Clueless bible-thumper chick: Everyone should have to see "Passion of the Christ" so they wouldn't take our Lord's name in vain anymore. And do you notice how it's only God's name that they use? You never hear anyone saying "Oh, Muhammad Ali this, or Muhammad Ali that".
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Poor Jebus
3PM A Lesser-Known Corollary Of the Patriot Act
iPod chick #1: I told Lauren* to look hot today, we'll see...
iPod chick #2: I know, it's so hard for her. She can only look hot like once a month.
Waltham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Joe
2PM Like Every Issue of Every Women's Magazine
Female peon: Linda*, I heard you are on a diet again!
Linda: Why? D'you have a diet?
Female peon: No, I am just clarifying. This way when I see you eat certain things, I can remind you that you are on a diet.
New York City, New York
1PM And for Surprise Guests with Undiscriminating Palates
Coworker, after scavenging through lunch meeting leftovers: My sandwich didn't look very fulfilling so I added some corned beef.
Fellow scavenger: Wait -there was corned beef in there?
Coworker: No, I keep some in my office for emergencies.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Nook
12PM I Find Birth Control Is the Best Mood Elevator
Office secretary: Beth* keeps me entertained.
Beth*: Yep, just give me a pill!
Pineville, Louisiana
11AM That's a Promise from Us to You
Insurance salesman: Now, you can only die once, but you can become disabled many times.
Florida
10AM At the Law Offices of Floppy, Moppy, Cottontail & Peter
Boss: Who is this? You have to identify yourself -- my hard drive is full!
Baltimore, Maryland
9AM We May Have to Drop the Three Stooges Training Films
Inspector: We were in the middle of the health and safety conference, and a fire broke out in the lift.
Call center girl: Really? My god! What happened?!
Inspector: Everyone started to run, but the hallway was really narrow so we got stuck.
Call center girl: Oh my god, what happened?!
Inspector: The fire brigade just opened the fire doors in the conference room. Mr. Lawry* wants to see us now.
Call center girl: So why do you have to go see Mr. Lawry?
Inspector: I think we're doing more training...
Wembley Road
Wembley
England
5PM But We Play a Mean Accordian
Customer to toddler: Son, you've just learned a valuable lesson that you can use in life -- the men in your family don't dance.
6230 East Speedway Boulevard
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Employee
4PM For Example, I'm Happy to Be Talking to You
Senior consultant: I'm not sure that the wow factors you listed here are really wow factors.
Consultant: Meh, I'm easily pleased.
209-215 Blackfriars Road
London
England
Overheard by: Underwhelmed
3PM Only Dates Women Who Lie to Him
Grunt #1: How much do you think a golf ball weighs?
Grunt #2: Over a pound, easy.
125 Corporate Office Center
Earth City, Missouri
Overheard by: Matt
2PM Working Title: Robbing Peter to Pay Polyp
Boss: Yeah, I have to have another colonoscopy in a couple months.
Employee: That sounds unpleasant.
Boss: Mmm-hm -- colonoscopy, the ultimate home movie.
Tysons Corner, Virginia
1PM Where I Get My Own Way and You Think It's Your Idea
Consultant after hanging up phone: Ah, the art of bullshit.
NYU Medical Center
New York
12PM It's Just a Regular Nose -- God!
Over the loudspeaker: Tiny Steve*, please call 3-8-1*. Tiny Steve... Where is Tiny Steve?
Tampa, Florida
11AM Fine, I'm All Done Making Cookies for You
Gay admin: I'm thinking of taking a gym class at a community college next quarter. What do you think I should take?
Straight admin: Badminton. Yep, definitely badminton. That's nice and gay.
Sunnyvale, California
10AM I'm Not Having Any Unprotected
Office girl on cell: Come on, Mom, you know how I feel about socks!
621 East 9th Street
Des Moines, Iowa
9AM The Only Kind Worth Eating
Cube dweller #1, dressed as redneck hunter: Whew, that salsa's hot! I can't eat any more of it!
Cube dweller #2, dressed as kitty cat: She'll eat wild beaver, but not hot salsa... [Coworkers stare.]
New Mexico
Overheard by: ummmm.....she'll eat what?
5PM How on Earth Is She Related to Steven Tyler?
Coworker #1: She doesn't look like her name, does she?
Coworker #2: No... She doesn't.
Coworker #1: Yeah, she's a little hottie!
MGM Grand
Las Vegas, Nevada
4PM It's Like You Learned Nothing in Clown College
Whiny girl: I don't know why anyone won't take me seriously!
Mentor: Well, Kimmy*, you've got to show some confidence.
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: Not Steffi
3PM These Days I Only Speak on the Phone
Employee #1: Oh, wow! How do you like that Bluetooth ear piece?!
Employee #2: I'm on the phone!
New York, New York
2PM He's Imagining a Python Swallowing a Pig
Assistant eating sub sandwich: Man, I'm full already.
Hoochie coworker: You just consumed less than four inches of that thing. Heck, I usually stuff at least a 12-inch down my throat...
Assistant: Uh, yeah, I'm definitely done now...
California
Overheard by: californiatrinity
1PM Kid, Have We Got a Job for You
Employee's daughter: Sometimes I like to lick my jacket!
1114 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kelly
12PM Unless You Need a Roommate
Male worker filling out stack of forms: So, your address is the same?
Female worker, giving info: Yeah... I haven't moved since we filled out the last form.
San Antonio, Texas
11AM I Donate My Old Fashion Magazines to Them
Cube girl: I am starving suddenly. Like, Albania-starving.
Cube guy: Are people starving in Albania?
Cube girl: The anorexic ones.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM When They're Driving a Motorboat?
Suit: Okay, so we will have the guy wearing an "I brake for whales" t-shirt?
Client: Are you aware that whales live in the ocean?
Suit: Yes.
Client: How can someone brake for a whale?
Suit: [Silence.]
175 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Ave Chitenmyhair
9AM Which One is the "One"?
Peon: Is one million with six zeros?
Boss: Yes, and a one.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
5PM I Got This Idea from an Afterschool Special...
Office girl #1: Man, I'm really bored. I know what we should do... [Looks around] Aw, we don't have any glue, do we?
Office girl #2, confused and horrified: Um...
610 SW Broadway
Portland, Oregon
4PM "Chill"? Inappropriate Tone? That Monster!
Lady peon: I had a third thing to mention to you.
Manager: Okay, go ahead.
Lady peon: When I was on the phone with Susan*, she got mad at me. She told me to chill in a very inappropriate tone.
Manager: Uh-huh.
Lady peon: I think she'll sabotage your party over this. I think she's gone around the bend.
Manager: You think she's gone around the bend?
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Making Copies
3PM So How Do You Wrap Your Meat, Then?
Woman: Gary*, do you have any peach paper?
Gary, flabbergasted: Peach paper?! I'm a man!
Madison Street
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: jimBO
2PM It's More Like Unearthing One That You Buried
Female coworker: I don't know. I was thinking about losing about 50 pounds.
Male coworker: Yeah, I think I could lose about 30 to 40 myself.
Female coworker: You know what I heard? With men, if you lose, like, 35 pounds, you gain an inch.
Male coworker: Uh...
500 North King Street
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: i just wanted a coke
1PM And They Only Have Slurs for the Irish
Coworker #1: So, did you hear that Keith Richards said the N-word in his comedy bit the other day?
Coworker #2: That's a shame. I thought he was from England.
Missoula, Montana
Overheard by: Ray
12PM I Call That Time "The Lost Years"
Associate: No, I don't eat dog food. Maybe I used to...
Vernon Hills, Illinois
Overheard by: just buying candy
11AM The Customer Is Always Righteous
Cashier: Alright, so that's going to be $47.68.
Customer: What? The book was $31.99!
Cashier: Ummm, actually, it was $44.99...
Customer: It says $31.99!
Cashier: I'm afraid you were looking at the American price, ma'am...
Customer: So?!
Cashier: We're in Canada.
Customer, indignant: Well, I want to speak to a manager!
Cashier: Unfortunately, I don't think he'll be able to change global economy, but let me page him...
Ontario
Canadia
10AM Turns Out George Michael Just Had a Big Gulp for Lunch
Guy at sink to guy at urinal: Any more than two shakes and you're jerking off.
Men's room, 14 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
9AM Dick, on the Other Hand...
Boss reviewing Myers Briggs Type Indicator results: I am surprised by Stan's* P-ness. [Silence.] Well, Stan's results show that he has a slight P-ness, and I was expecting him to not have any P in him at all. [Room erupts with laughter.]
Cherry Hill, New Jersey
Overheard by: Still Laughing Inside
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