Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
5PM Screenplay by David Mamet
Employee #1: Sorry, I talk to myself a lot. Let me know if it gets annoying.
Employee #2: That's okay! We all have annoying habits. I just can't stop fucking swearing!
Australia
4PM You May Know Them As Blue Man Group
Professor: People never say half the things they are supposed to have said. I mean, just ask Jesus -- 'It wasn't me, it was my flippin' disciples.'
Queens University
Kingston, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Hello? Bowling!
Desk monkey #1: I heard she and her boyfriend had Brazilian waxes done together. The man's treatment is called the 'free willy wax.'
Desk monkey #2: Oooh! Can you do that? I mean, you can't wax a man's balls!
Netherlands
Overheard by: Ouch!
2PM You Can Watch the Movie During the Proceedings
Coworker #1: I have Popular, NipTuck, and Six Feet Under in my queue, but I'm really a movie whore.
Coworker #2: That's good. Admitting you're a whore is the first step towards actually getting paid for it.
Coworker #1: What the hell are you talking about?
Wausau, Wisconsin
1PM An SOW, an RFP, and Thou Beside Me in the Shipyard
Supervisor to contractor: What can I do to turn you on?
Shipyard
San Diego, California
Overheard by: sarah
12PM Oh, Stop Sucking Up
Executive: If I had to use that, my arm would fall off!
Scientist: This coming from the guy with the largest disposable pipette!
Rockland, Maryland
11AM That's Why I'm the Fire Warden
Office chick #1: I want a small desk lamp for ambient lighting. A candle would rock... but I know most companies frown upon flammable things.
Office chick #2: Well, we have a flammable toaster oven, so I don't see how a small candle would be any different.
Cherry Hill, New Jersey
10AM Seems Like a Lot of Work to Get Another Job, Though
Designer: ... And then [the director] said, 'What else did you accomplish today?' Can you believe that?!
Writer: What the hell business is it of his what you do here?
Designer: And so what if I did go to lunch with you for three hours? Is that a crime? Can a man not waste a little time on the company dollar anymore? What the hell kind of place is this becoming?!
Writer: I ask myself that everyday.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
9AM Seems Like These Rangers Been "Lone" Too Long
Male employee: Well, I guess we're the last ones here.
Female employee: Yeah, we're like... the Lone Rangers.
Male employee: Oh, yeah? Who gets to be Tonto?
Female employee: I don't know. Who was he, again?
Male employee: The Indi-- Native American.
Female employee: Oh. Well, all he wore was a loincloth.
Male employee: That's not gonna be me, then.
Female employee, looking down at her large breasts: It sure isn't going to be me! ... Besides, I'd rather be a horse... Look, that didn't come out right, okay?
Scott A.F.B
Illinois
Overheard by: they overlooked me
5PM At Phone Saks Fifth Avenue
Coworker on phone: How can I help you? Ummm... Okay. Sir, is everything alright? Well, you seem to be breathing a little heavy. No, I can't help you with that. You should probably go out and buy a magazine. I'm hanging up now sir [hangs up]. Fucking freaks.
Spring Street and Cleveland Avenue
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Ari
4PM He Couldn't Stop and Had to Be Put Down
Project coordinator on phone: They moved people into my area... No! They already moved them into my area... Yes, I know it's my area, dammit! I already peed on the desks and claimed them as mine!
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Still can't stop laughing!!!
3PM As a Freudian, He Thinks All Poontangs Stink
Therapist #1: Oh my god! Look at Britney Spears!
Therapist #2: I bet her poontang stinks.
California
Overheard by: Britney's Got Issues
2PM Who's Best Hands Up?
Woman #1: Heard from your old high school boyfriend lately?
Woman #2: No. He's traveling. Moving to Florida. Wife number three.
Woman #1: Would you nail him again?
Woman #2: In a heartbeat. Best in oral sex, hands down.
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Makin' Copies
1PM Do We Even Sell That?
Peon: Barry*, did you put a folder on my computer called 'Horse porn'?
Barry: No.
Beaverton, Oregon
12PM Basil Finally Recovers from New Year's Eve
Man smoking outside office door: What year is this anyway? It's 2006, isn't it?
Goswell Road
London
England
Overheard by: Ava
11AM How You Know a Colleague Is Off His Meds
Grunt: The mothers, the kids, everyone -- cut 'em up and shred 'em!
506 Jersey Avenue
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Overheard by: in the slurbs
10AM So Getting Married Was the Next Logical Step
Employee #1: Dude, why would you go anywhere with her?
Employee #2: Hey, she needed a date... And I own a tux!
Conyers, Georgia
Overheard by: Abused Office Girl
9AM Look, Madge, There's Those Two Retarded Customers Again
Woman #1 in line at cafeteria: That one girl never gives out the big portions. She must be cheap.
Woman #2: I know, eh? She seems slow, too. Do you think she's retarded?
Woman #1: Yeah, Down's-lite.
Front Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: nothingsacred
5PM Now You Know Everything I Know
Director of operations: The faster you run it, the faster it goes.
Kibler Street
New Washington, Ohio
Overheard by: What?!?
4PM I Replaced Somebody Who Went Looking for It
Customer: Where is the fresh pasta?
Clerk: I don't know. I'm new here, too.
Lompoc, California
Overheard by: Still Searching
3PM But Not Tomorrow, Please
Male employee: Can I clock out?
Male manager: Sure, go ahead. And thanks for bringing sexy back today.
Exposition Boulevard
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Made me wish I worked at Costco
2PM We Need Five More Consultants, Stat!
Manager: We're all inoperative here!
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
1PM Some Are, Some Aren't
Receptionist on phone: Are your panties un-bunched?!
55th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Grip Strength, Too
Peon: Here, let me do it. My forearms are stronger -- I'm not married.
Harmony Avenue
Portage, Indiana
Overheard by: nightmare1970
11AM Theirs All Goes for, Like, Essentials or Something
Bridezilla-to-be on cell in lounge: ... Yeah, but, like, his family is just so different than ours, Mom! They're lower class and aren't used to spending a lot of money on stuff like that!
Insurance company
Grand Rapids, Michigan
10AM She Laughed All the Way to the Free Clinic
Barmaid: I know, but it's funnier as an STD.
Seattle, Washington
9AM Cashier: You Just Seemed Nice.
Cashier: And may I have your phone number, please?
Lady: What the hell for? You gonna call me up when you're havin' a sale?
Older lady: Hush, Lavinia. This here place is always on sale.
Lady: My point exactly.
Paramus, New Jersey
5PM How "Grow-a-Date" Was Born
Young female manager: Can I get you anything else today, sir?
Man: Yeah, a wife of childbearing age.
Young female manager: Well, I can't help you there, but how about some water?
208 West 72nd Street
New York, New York
4PM Well-Mounted!
Employee to another: Oh, is that the girl you put the rack on for?
Bike shop
Wantagh, New York
Overheard by: eviltwin
3PM This Just In: Socialite Anorexic. In Other Breaking News, Sky Blue.
Coworker #1: So, what do you think about Nicole Richie? Do you think she's anorexic?
Coworker #2: I don't think she's anorexic. I just think she never eats.
29111 Stephenson Highway
Madison Heights, Michigan
Overheard by: Make it stop
2PM I Dunno -- You've Been Pitching That All Week
Girl at lunch table: I'm not musty -- it's her sandwich.
630 Broad Street
Gadsden, Alabama
1PM Dude, Get Your Mind Out of the Butter
Sales rep on phone: Okay, so that's V as in 'voluptuous,' A as in 'anatomy,' N as in 'nutrition...'
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
12PM With Nuts, Actually
Barista: Would you like this brownie heated up?
Brownie man: I like my brownies like I like my women.
Barista: Dark and covered in chocolate?
Coffee shop
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: agrees with him
11AM And by "Doing Things Right" I Mean We're Slouching Toward Mediocrity
Manager: I don't know how you do things at your branch, but around here, we cut corners.
Sales associate: So basically you're saying that you are only doing things right because I am here?
Manager: Exactly. Enjoy your visit.
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Hand me the Scissors...
10AM Hypocritical Talk for a Girl Named Alley
Male peon: I hope you locked the door. If you didn't, some hobo is gonna use my car as his bathroom.
Lady peon: You're a hobo's bathroom!
1255 Hempstead Turnpike
Uniondale, New York
Overheard by: glad i keep my doors locked
9AM With a Light Pen
Coworker: I'm going to go draw lasers.
111 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
5PM That Would Be Hot
Woman peon on phone: Pretend you're Islamic! Why can't we wear burqas when we're feeling ugly?!
1166 6th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Moist, Delicious Students by the Basket
Boss: It will be a nice, warm, and fuzzy family event, which will increase student yield.
Hempstead, New York
3PM We Don't Know That, Either
Boss: Why are we selling stuff we don't know how to sell?!
139 Highland Street
Bruceton Tennessee
Overheard by: soon to be hired
2PM We're Spirogyra, Stupid
Delivery driver: Why are we all conjugating outside?
Pizza place
Joshua, Texas
Overheard by: needo
1PM You Can Only Mourn a Great Deal for So Long
Woman #1: I haven't had a haircut since my friend died.
Woman #2: Why not?
Woman #1: She used to do my hair for nothing.
Woman #2: Well, it looks like a fucking Brillo pad now. I'd throw some money at your head, and fast!
365 W Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
12PM After You Get What You Want, You Won't Want It
Suit: Why does she have to be a devil? Why can't she be a demon?
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
11AM The First Californians Were Slutlers from Ohio
Coworker #1: That's why people leave places like Iowa and Ohio.
Coworker #2: Uh, why?
Coworker #1: Because they want to act out their tendencies toward promiscuity!
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Not from...those places
10AM One Communist Country Is Pretty Much Like Another
Supervisor: Oh, my husband is in your homeland this week!
Asian supervisor: Oh, California?
Supervisor: Uh, well, I actually meant China. But he'll be in California in a few weeks.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
9AM The Prince's Attorney Is Searching for the Princess Whose Foot Fits the Glass Bootie
Lawyer with door wide open: No, man. No, it was just a booty call.
Near Dupont Circle
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Booty Call Receptionist
Read the Previous Week's Quotes!
