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5PM The Postmenstrual Always Rings Twice
Worker #1: I'm feeling a little premenstrual.
Worker #2: Jesus, didn't you just have your period?
Worker #1: Right! I had yours and mine!
365 West Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
4PM My Timberlands Really Would've Come in Handy in This Weather
Girl looking out window at rain: I picked a bad day to go straight.
Clarksville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Girl 3
3PM It's Only a Problem If You Think about It
Employee working on ad for customer: It says here that this sale won't be repeated. But down in the corner, it says 'Third annual.'
Ludlow Street
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: Chuckling To Myself
2PM Why Many of Us Speak Only for Our Own Amusement
Grunt: I'm sorry, Rick*. You're gonna have to start over. I completely zoned out. I saw you standing there, and I heard you talking, and it sounded great, but...
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
1PM I Don't Know Why We Even Have to Do Alien Autopsies
Office girl: Smell your fingers.
Office guy: Ewww, what is that?
Office girl: Smells like petroleum jelly, right?
Office guy: Ugh!
Office girl: Toxic, right?!
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
12PM It Took a Year of Therapy to Get to This Point
Receptionist to another: I said, 'I don't care that you care that I think you're an asshole,' but maybe I do.
Capitol Highway
Portland, Oregon
11AM If You'll Come to Work As Little Bo Peep, Yes
Finance director: Is Halloween on the 28th this year?
E 9th & Lyon Street
Des Moines, Iowa
Overheard by: Receptionist
10AM People in Middle-America Generally Try to Remain Ignorant of What's Happening in San Francisco
CSR #1: Don't make fun of me, but where is San Francisco?
CSR #2, laughing: What? Are you serious? We have an office there!
CSR #1: I said don't make fun of me!
CSR #2: California, Lisa*. It's in California.
Fishers, Indiana
Overheard by: Geography is not her best subject
9AM The Bastards Are Grinding Him Down
Coworker #1: How do you spell 'Awww'? [Sounds it out] Awwwwwww... O-W?
Coworker #2: A-H.
Coworker #3: No, A-W-W-W.
Coworker #1: A-W-A-W?
Coworker #2: I think it's A-H.
Coworker #3: No. A-W-W-W.
Atlanta, Georgia
5PM And His Cell Reception Is So Unreliable Down There
Boss: Well, we can't really ask him what he meant 'cause he's in Hell.
330 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Bitch? Bitch? Bitch!
Man on phone: Fuck your ass, bitch! I don't give a shit about you! Try saying something nice to me!
600 New Hampshire Avenue NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
3PM My Psyche Is Now Fully Occupied
Coworker #1, returning from vacation: Has something changed in your psyche since I was here last?
Coworker #2: No, I've just been chewing gum recently.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM What Do You Mean by That?
Coworker #1: Why do you keep giving me these?
Coworker #2: It's my way of telling you they're done.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
1PM The New Mantra of the Global Economy
Coworker on phone: Yeah. Unemployed is just un-fun. So, I'm happy with what I got. Even if it rapes me.
Alpharetta, Georgia
12PM How Canada Was Settled
Flight attendant to delayed travelers: Last call for Winnipeg... We still have plenty of seats available. I know there are a lot of canceled flights today. Have you ever considered a trip to Canada?
O'Hare International Airport
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Considered it.
11AM Tobacco Exec: Gentlemen, We Have to Address This Competition
Client: I never smoked a cigarette a day in my life!
Assistant: Well, you're just a regular choirboy!
Client: Smoked a kilo of dope -- didn't see a need for cigarettes!
Real estate office
Texas
10AM Brenda Found Her First ATM Experience Oddly Thrilling
Excited colleague: ... So it came out like diarrhea!
452 5th Avenue
New York, New York
9AM In North Carolina, You Can Get Anything at a Bait and Tackle Shop
Sales guy: I was thinking of going to Bert's Bait and Tackle to get some hot dogs for lunch.
Sales assistant: You buy hot dogs at a bait and tackle store?!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM Just the Flax, Ma'am
CSR #1: What are you eating now?
CSR #2: Pumpkin Spice Flax granola bar.
CSR #1: Glass?
CSR #2: No... pumpkin spice flax. You know -- flax seeds.
CSR #1: Wax?!
CSR #2: Ugh... never mind.
CSR #1: You're eating wax?!
CSR #2: Never mind!
CSR #1: Okay, see ya!
12 West Valley Avenue
Elysburg, Pennsylvania
4PM Just Do What I Say, and Don't Ask Questions
Office girl #1: So, when you mail something to Washington, DC, what's the city and what's the state?
Office girl #2: Put DC as the state.
Office girl #1: Does that mean Washington is the city?
Utah
3PM A Whore Gets Paid for It and a Tramp Eats Spaghetti with Dogs
Lady worker bee: C'mon, you know you were skanky before you got married.
Male worker bee: No, I wasn't. I may have been a slut, but not a skank.
Lady worker bee: What's the difference?
Male worker bee: A skank is a slut that doesn't bathe.
4768 Church Road
Platteville, Wisconsin
2PM It'll Be Our Little Secret
Male worker on phone: Yeah, I always think your name is Victoria. I said, I always think your name is Victoria. No, I know that. I still think your name is Victoria.
1166 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Duncan
1PM Mr. Bickford, Lucy Called Me a Paper Clip!
Coworker #1: Do you have a paper clip?
Coworker #2: You're a paper clip!
225 South 6th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
12PM Everyone Knows Encyclopedias Are Just Speculation!
Coworker #1, reading article: 'Morphine is highly addictive...'
Coworker #2: Morphine is not addictive.
Coworker #1: But it says right here in this encyclopedia article--
Coworker #2: --Morphine is not addictive.
All other coworkers: It says right here!
Coworker #2: Morphine is not addictive! I know this for a fact!
Lunch break
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
11AM That's "Socialist" Darwinist
Grunt #1: So, what about the cigarette tax?
Grunt #2: I put 'Yes.'
Grunt #1: Wait, you voted for that? Why? It's like a 300 percent increase!
Grunt #2: Because I'm a social Darwinist! If people are gonna die, I want them to at least give money to the government first.
UC Santa Cruz
California
Overheard by: I think I'm in love
10AM How to Use Gaffer's Tape During a Romantic Encounter
Boss: Can you program this DVD player?
Temp: Um, maybe. I don't know.
Boss: I thought you graduated from film school. What do they teach you there?
Temp: Obviously nothing useful for a later career.
Vienna
Austria
Overheard by: cinekat
9AM The Feral Employee Works for Low Wages, but May Need to Be Housebroken
Student worker #1: Seriously, why?
Student worker #2: Because I was too lazy to go to the bathroom.
Student worker #1: Were you that drunk again?
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Overheard by: I Hate Student Help
5PM ... I Think
Customer: Hmmm... I want something in a waffle cone.
Salesgirl, holding cone: Okay. What would you like?
Customer: Can you do a chocolate dip with that cone?
Salesgirl: No, it's not strong enough.
Customer: Oh. Well, can you put a small banana split in it?
Salesgirl: Uh, no.
Customer: What about a malt?
Salesgirl: No.
Customer: A milkshake?
Salesgirl: No.
Customer, irritated: Well, what can you do with it?
Salesgirl: I can put yogurt in it.
Frozen yogurt shop
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
4PM Gallery IT Guy: Goggles Are Not Art!
Art director #1: I need a picture of a Doublemint gum wrapper.
Art director #2: Just Google it.
Art director #1: Oh, okay... Hey, they blocked Google!
Art director #2: They didn't block Google! I use it 30 times a day!
Art director #1: G-O-G-G-L-E?
Art director #2: ... That's 'goggle.'
151 West 34th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: risdchic
3PM You're Right about the Cemetary Plots, but Not for the Reason You Think
Bimbette peon: This is my last weekend of being twenty-one! I can't believe I'm so old. I might as well start picking out cemetery plots. I am going to get shit-faced this weekend -- my last weekend of youth! [Old coworker stares blankly.]
Glen Allen, Virginia
Overheard by: Tisk Tisk
2PM Okay, Okay, She Gets the Jizzt.
Contractor: Ma'am, just so you know for the next time we're called in, caulking is not spelled C-O-C-K-I-N-G. It's C-A-U-L-K-I-N-G.
Red-faced manager: Oh!
Retirement home
Oakville, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Giggling
1PM Must've Been Talking about Jellyfish
Visiting sales rep: Wow, that aquarium is really cool! Is it a lot of work?
Desk owner: Thanks. It's not too hard once it's set up for a while.
Visiting sales rep: I've never seen one with all those things with testicles in it before.
Desk owner: [Silence until sales rep obliviously boards elevator.]
75 Battery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: We didn't buy her product.
12PM Are You Now, or Have You Ever Been, the Holiday Inn?
Front desk: XYZ Inn*, Avery* speaking. How may I help you?
Caller: Is this the Holiday Inn?
Front desk: No, it's the XYZ Inn.
Caller: So you're not the Holiday Inn anymore?
Front desk: No!
Caller: Okay.
611 Ocean Street
Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Crystal
11AM I'm Beginning to Think Once a Week Is Not Enough
Panicky mouse user: I have to clean my ball with Isowipes once a week, because it's absolutely filthy!
54 Park Street
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Al
10AM He Doesn't Have the Range
Queer peon to coworker: Shut your face or I'll shit in your throat!
West 38th Street
New York, New York
9AM Like a Car Jack and a Blanket and... Okay, So I'm Not That Interesting.
Support dude: You find the darnedest things in your trunk when you open it up!
1650 South East Street
San Bernardino, California
Overheard by: Greg Short
5PM The Black and White Cat Makeup, Mostly
Old black lady: Why you call your brother 'KISS'?!
Young black woman: Huh?
Old black lady: You know what 'K-I-S-S' stand for?
Young black woman: What?
Old black woman: 'Knights in Satan's Service.' That's right, 'Knights in Satan's Service! Why you call your brother 'KISS'?!
2201 South 10th Street
Ft. Pierce, Florida
Overheard by: Just here to get dialated
4PM I'm Hanging Up Now, Sir.
CSR: Okay, sir, I'm now going to give you your confirmation number: 5-9-7*-M as in 'Michael'-- No, M as in 'Michael.' No, I know your name is not Michael, sir. I'm saying 'M as in Michael.' Okay... 5-9-7-M as in 'mother'-- Sir... Yes, I'm sorry... I'm not saying you're a woman, sir...
999 de Maisonneuve Boulevard
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: Monika
3PM I don't foresee a lot of sudoku success for her.
Office bimbette: So, my friend got me a Sudoku book, but I can't start doing it yet because she has to send the Sudoku pencil. It has an eraser on the end -- only Sudoku makes them that way.
Auckland
New Zealand
Overheard by: Sarah
2PM For the Same Reason Ob/Gyn Is Good at Discharging
Medical assistant trying to make appointment for patient: Tell me something -- why is the Gastrology office always so backed up?
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Mary
1PM Mostly I Use It to Invade Less Fortunate Countries
Worker bee #1: Your car doesn't get very good mileage, does it?
Worker bee #2: Well, it gets 21 on the highway.
Worker bee #1: Do you do any highway driving?
Worker bee #2: No, not really.
Main Street
Spencer, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Paul Skarmeas
12PM In 20 Years, Security Checks and Retinal Scans Will Be Prerequisites for French-Kissing
CSR: I'll need your credit card information before I can let you in at my lady parts.
1745 West Jefferson Avenue
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: looking for my credit card
11AM I Have to Tell You, Though, They Look Pretty Weird in a Three-Piece Suit
Legal eagle #1: What's this little 'C' in a circle next to a year supposed to mean?
Legal eagle #2: That's the year the company that published that got its corporate seal.
Legal eagle #1: Oh, okay.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
10AM Could Real Boobs Do This...?
Cubicle chick: Are your boobs real?
2710 Marvin Road
Olympia, Washington
9AM I'll Have What He's Having
Suit ordering drink: Um, I just really want something that's going to fuck me up.
Exasperated waitress: Honestly, I'm going to fuck you up in a second if you don't order.
13th and U Streets
Washington, DC
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