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5PM Like, What Color Is It?
CSR: Okay, and what's the address?
Customer: 123* A Street.
CSR: Okay, and which street is that on?
Customer: A Street.
CSR: I understand that you live on a street, sir, but I need to know which one.
1001 Roeder Avenue
Bellingham, Washington
4PM Why So Many People in This Country Are Having Bad Sex
Boss: It's like birth -- there's nothing we can do but push.
Sunnyvale, California
Overheard by: Tristan O'Tierney
3PM Yes, You Could Bleed Out, but You Knew the Risks Going In
Manager: You're doing a very good job playing the game 'Stump the Louis*.'
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: It's a pretty easy game
2PM Better Throw in the Bone, Too
Customer: I'll take this sushi and the spicy chicken with brown rice.
Girl at counter: Do you want dark meat or sub with all natural chicken breast?
Customer: I don't know -- it's not for me, it's for a coworker.
Girl at counter: Is it a guy or a girl?
Customer: A guy.
Girl at counter: Just get the dark chicken. He'll never tell the difference.
Customer: He's gay.
Girl at counter: Oh. Then get the white meat.
1303 South Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Pracca
1PM Why We Have to Wear ID Badges at Work
Male peon: Hold on, let me see if I can figure out who that person is. [Puts caller on hold.] Hey, guys, who is Erica*?
Female peon: The girl who worked here all summer.
Male peon: Oh. [Picks up phone.] She went back to school.
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: We work in a very small office...
12PM Needless to Say, She Doesn't Swallow
Lady peon getting help setting up hot dog luncheon: I just don't want to get any wiener juice on me!
11400 West Lake Park Drive
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
11AM It's on the Wait List
Manager: Is Italy a country?
Nashville, Tennessee
10AM Love Me, Love My HMO
Grunt #1: How you doin' today, Paul*?
Grunt #2: Flying. Flying high today.
Grunt #1: Too many pills?
Grunt #2: Yep. They make you pee.
North Meridian Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
9AM If Katie Holmes Can Turn Scientologist, Anything's Possible
Male peon: You feeling better today, Jim*?
Jim: Yes.
Male peon: Well, you look a lot better. We were worried about you yesterday. You were turning white.
Jim: Yeah, that's not a good sign when you're a black man.
Newport News, Virginia
5PM That Would Explain the Bride and Groom Statues at the Top
Researcher: Is this an accurate archaeological description: 'The site now looks like a four-tier cake'?
Dublin
Ireland
Overheard by: Ragnvaeig
4PM His Agenda Item Turned Out to Be a Hard One, Though
Manager #1, about speaking at staff meeting: Do you want to go first? Mine is pretty long.
Manager #2: Well, mine is really short, so yeah, it'll be easier if I go first.
Route 9
Framingham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: biting my lip
3PM North Carolina, the Fugue State
Records tech: I used to have more vacation time before I worked [in this department]! But I guess since I started taking vacations...
Manning Drive
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Overheard by: seftiri
2PM The Fir Department's Going to Get Sick of Her When She Goes through Menopause
Office girl: I'm on heat... Fire! Fire -- I meant 'fire'! Shut up.
London
England
1PM No, Sorry, I Still Don't Get It
Supervisor: I've always wondered where the 13th floor is.
Employee #1: They just call thirteen 'fourteen.'
Supervisor: I know that. But where is it? Is it just an empty space that the elevator skips?
Employee #2: Yeah, like, is it just completely unfinished and empty on that floor?
Employee #1: No, the 14th floor is actually the 13th floor, they just skip the number 13 because people are afraid of it.
Supervisor, skeptically: Mmmm.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Aaargh
12PM Baby with Plastic Bag on Head: I'm Slowly Asphyxiating, Moms
Nurse: Yeah, and she came in with a bandanna rotting inside her. Her brilliant boyfriend used it as a condom.
Girl #1: Dude! Sperm will soak right through that shit! He should have used a plastic bag or something. Maybe some Saran Wrap and a rubber band.
Girl #2: Seriously! What if she got pregnant?
Girl #1: The baby will come out with a doo-rag on its head, saying, 'Whassup, Moms?!'
Saratoga & Kiely
Overheard by: People are sick
11AM Fortunately, His Wife Got Custody of His Lungs
Smoker #1: Hey, I didn't know you smoked. When did you start smoking?
Smoker #2: About four years ago, right after my wife left me. It gives me something else to do with my hands.
Kokomo, Indiana
10AM Truman Didn't Agree to Share Until the Chinese Forced the Issue
Employee #1: Hey, what's there in your bag?
Employee #2: I've got some Korean salad...
Employee #1: May I--
Employee #2: --Nope, it's only for me.
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: dieting
9AM "The Truth? He Gives Great Foot Massages, but Otherwise..."
Employee: Uhhh, I got a job offer from another company... And I want to quit...
Boss: What?! How much did they offer you?!
Employee: Ummm, two times more than I get here.
Boss: Did you tell them that you're a slacker?
Employee: Nope, but I told 'em that you appreciate my work so much that you wanted to raise my salary two times.
Boss: Bullshit! Give me their phone number and I'll tell them the truth about you! And also, you're fired!
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: jullylully
5PM He Was Quickly Eliminated from The Price Is Right
Customer: Do you have seven-packs of nuggets?
Cashier: We have eight or twelve.
Customer: Oh, wonderful. I'll take twelve.
Orange City, Florida
Overheard by: laughing
4PM I Got a Girl Named Bony Marrowney/ She's As Skinny As a Stick of Macaroni
Lady cube rat: I like sucking bones.
Male cube rat: I know! I said, 'Come on, Chris, suck that bone!' We all laughed.
Lady cube rat: The marrow is the best part.
1771 North Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: I still don't want to know
3PM Getting Killed on Public Transportation Like That
Coworker #1: So, a magnetic train crashed in Germany, killing twenty-three.
Coworker #2: ... Stupid Krauts.
70th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
2PM It's Painted on the Wall
Sales rep: No, we cannot move the piano on the ship... The piano cannot be moved... No, we cannot move it to another room... The piano cannot be moved... What do you not understand? We cannot move the piano!
Chelsea Piers, Pier 6
New York
1PM I'd Be Disbarred If It Came Out That I Could Understand Plain English
Attorney #1: Does anyone know why I can't access my computer's S drive?
Attorney #2: Oh, I know the problem. It's an operator error!
Attorney #1: What does that mean?
Madera, California
Overheard by: Shawn
12PM But an Underling with a Dirty Back Might Be Okay as Well
Surgeon: So, you're dating a nurse... What kind?
PA #1: Beats the hell out of me... I'm just hoping she's a head nurse -- you know, with dirty knees.
PA #2: Awesome.
Hospital
Western Pennsylvania
11AM You'll Prefer Whatever I Pay You to Prefer
Male peon: Well, now we all know you're a ho.
Office girl: I prefer the term 'prostitute.'
Golden Square, London
England
10AM Once He Gets His Teeth into Something, He Will Not Let Go
Secretary #1: What is he doing now at the casino?
Secretary #2: I heard he got a good job as a Pit Bull.
New Jersey
Overheard by: bonbonr
9AM Mr. Ed: Even I Don't Make Mistakes That Dumb
Stable employee: Oh, there's a reason all the horses' names start with the letter Q. It's 'cause we go through the alphabet -- each year gets a different letter -- so this year all the horses get named with the letter Q. So, like, last year was all P names, the year before it was O names, and next year it will be T... No, wait, U... S...? Hang on... P, Q, S, R... R, S -- that's it. Next year they all get R names.
Thebarton, Adelaide
Australia
5PM When Tech Support Fixes Courtney Love's Computer, They Use Clorox and Surgical Masks
Nerdy worker: Well, unfortunately she had rubbed her butt across the floor. Man, it smelled so bad.
Coworker: Oh my god!
Nerdy worker: Yeah, we used some Febreze on it, so it was a little better yesterday.
Highway 280
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Glad I don't work for Stanley Steamer
4PM Upside to Immigration 'Wall': It'll Put an End to Conversations Like This
Office troll #1: Gosh, there were a bunch of Mexicans at lunch today. Where do you think they all came from?
Office troll #2: Mexico.
Dallas, Texas
3PM "Free-Range" Is Also Acceptable
Cube rat #1: My mouse is being such a pain lately.
Cube rat #2: You should get one of those mouses that, y'know, doesn't have a cord. Oh, man, what are those called, again?
Cube rat #1: Um, a cordless mouse?
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: I work with monkeys
2PM He's Had the Crisis Penciled in for Years
Bar patron #1: You gonna have another drink?
Bar patron #2: No, I gotta get home before mid-life.
36th Avenue and Arctic Boulevard
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: thinking it was already too late
1PM And Stop Sending Male Enhancement Spam to Our Printer
Boss: Brandon*, no matter what you think, those pills will not make you grow three inches. Get back to work.
55th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Once You Try a Giant Mutated Rat Sensei, You Never Go Back
Lady peon #1: Have you been following this e-mail chain? Derek* wrote that he was going to send his ninja friends after her, and Karen* wrote back, 'Which ones? Leonardo or Donatello?' Then Derek replied, 'Splinter.'
Lady peon #2: I love Splinter!
Lady peon #1: Yeah, me too. That's what I was going to write back to them.
555 West Monroe Street
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Yeah, Arnold in That Movie Was Bad Enough
CCA #1: There are so many people here who are pregnant!
CCA #2: Must be something in the water.
CCA #1: Yeah, seems like.
Male supervisor: Man, I hope I don't get pregnant.
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
Overheard by: Mel
10AM I Had a Really Sore Bone
Designer #1: I couldn't walk for an hour after he finished with me the last time!
Designer #2: Uhhh...
Designer #1: My ankle guy!
Corporate Park Drive
Herndon, Virginia
Overheard by: the other other jen
9AM Might Be Best to Start with the Sunday Through Friday Ones
Caller: I need to know about courses on Saturday.
Bored operator: Which center would you like to go through to?
Caller: Yes, uh, Saturday courses. Nine o'clock 'til five o'clock.
Bored operator: Okay, which department?
Caller: Saturday -- S-A-T--
Bored operator: --Which center? Clapham, Vauxhall, Brixton?
Caller: Uh, no, I want to know about Saturday courses. Saturday courses!
Bored operator: Do you have a contact name? ... I'll just put you through to someone, then. Bye!
College
London
England
5PM Take, Eat: These Are My Tapas
Marketing peon #1: The best tapas I ever had were in Sacramento.
Marketing peon #2: Oh... Uh, you mean, like, the city of?
400 Technology Square
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: valender
4PM I'd Like to Buy a New Policy, and Then Cancel It
Customer: Why did my policy cancel?
Secretary: For non-payment, sir.
Customer: But I never got a bill.
Secretary: You mean, the one you handed me when you walked in with a due date of January 30th*?
Customer: Yes, that bill.
Secretary: It wouldn't have canceled if you had paid this bill, sir.
Customer: Well, I'm not going to renew that policy, then...
Secretary: There is nothing to renew, sir -- it canceled for non-payment!
977 Yadkinville Road
Mocksville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Karen
3PM That Would Explain the Breath, Then
Suit #1: Man, you would stare at anything.
Suit #2, watching someone sweep dirt: Yeah, I'm like a dragon -- highly attracted to small, shiny objects.
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: KGB
2PM Ganesh: Oh, Sorry!
Manager: It's rainin' like a cow peein' on a rock.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
1PM We're on Orange Slurpee Alert
Boss: So, I can't take more than one piece of hand luggage on board?
Coworker: That's right.
Boss: And this is all because of 7-11?
Coworker: Ummm, do you mean 9-11?
Kent
England
12PM So What's All the Buzz About?
Coworker #1: He's coming over tonight with that thing you like?
Coworker #2: What?
Coworker #1: You know, that thing you like?
Coworker #2: Girl, that thing got batteries, and that's what he's bringing -- batteries.
500 King Street
Wilmington, Delaware
11AM Another Socially Competent Catholic School Graduate
CSR: I really hate it when customers are named that.
Supervisor: What?
CSR: 'Dick.' [Giggles] Because then I have to say that...
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
10AM Maybe Mix It with Stoli?
Girl at desk: My friend told me about how they paid two grand to freeze the stem cells from her son's umbilical cord so it could save his life or something later.
Guy at desk: Why don't they just have him drink the fluid out of the umbilical cord?
Male coworker: Orrr they could just put the stuff in the freezer.
3111 S. Range Line Road
Joplin, Missouri
9AM I Thought There Were Twelve Inches in a Foot, Not Six
Supervisor: I drew his foot, but it looks like a penis.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
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