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5PM The Solar-Powered Bicycle Project Runs Afoul of the Legal System
Attorney on cell: Okay, okay, you ran into her... Not with the car? Okay, okay...
Albuquerque, New Mexico
4PM No Dumber Than Casting Jamie Lee Curtis As a Young Mother
Customer #1: Do you have Freaky Friday?
Clerk: Yes, we have it on DVD and VHS for rental only.
Customer #1: Okay, I'll take one to buy.
Clerk: We only have it to rent.
Customer #1: Where is the one for sale?
Clerk: We only have it to rent. There are none for sale for that title.
Customer #1: Well, you should have said something in the first place!
Customer #2: Wow... You are really that dumb, huh?
Video store
Massachusetts
Overheard by: Dudette
3PM Insert "How Many Fetishists Does It Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?" Joke Here
Employee #1: How do you like your new office? Is the glare from the lights a problem? If so, I can twist the bulbs like I did in that other office.
Employee #2: That sounds kind of kinky.
Employee #1: Yeah!
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Um. By That I Mean That I Wrote Myself a Reminder to Give You the Information You Requested.
Manager: Oh my god, I swear. You are on my 'To Do' list.
Designer: ... Somebody get HR on the horn.
Route 1 South
West Windsor, New Jersey
Overheard by: the amazing copywriter
1PM When Alumni Giving Attacks!: Coming Soon to Fox TV
Student on phone: Sir, as a current student at XYZ College*, I know I can talk to you about all the improvements that we've made since you attended.... Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. No... No, I didn't realize you hated XYZ. I will be sure to tell him that... Repeat after you? Sir, please... I promise I'll tell him... Okay, sir, I'll tell him that you said that everyone at this school can fuck themselves and suck your 70-year-old balls... Thank you. You have a good night, too, sir.
515 Loudon Road
Loudonville, New York
Overheard by: trying not to laugh while on the phone
12PM Tonight's Movie: "Jiggling Mousie Dung," an R-Rated Film from China
Male grunt: If my mouse stops working, I'm going to go home.
Female grunt: Well, did you try jiggling it?
Male grunt: Yeah, I jiggled the shit out of it. [Female grunt giggles.]
Foggy Bottom
Washington, DC
11AM Mom: I'm pretty worn out, actually.
Homeboy customer: Yo, gots any mothafuckin' shelves?
Employee: Did he just say what I thought he said? [Coworker nods.]
Homeboy customer: Yo, man! I said, I need some mothafuckin' shelves fo' my mothafuckin' clothes!
Employee, pointing: Yeah, right down that mothafuckin' aisle.
Home repair store
Whitehall, Pennsylvania
10AM So Tonto and I Had the Fish Nuggets
Employee #1: So, we went to Long John Silver's last night for the first time.
Employee #2: Did you bring your horse?
Employee #3: No, that was 'Hi Ho Silver.'
Employee #2: It was?
Preston Avenue
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Still cryin
9AM The Laissez-Faire Kind
Younger peon: Remember those Richard Scarry books with the animals all dressed up in--
Older peon: I haven't read kids' books since the second grade. Seriously.
Younger peon: What, your kids never read children's books? What kind of parent are you?!
150 Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM More Importantly, Where's Her Wallet?
Lawyer #1: Listen to this -- 'The patient's bladder was emptied and transferred back to recovery room in stable condition with no complications.'
Lawyer #2: Where's the rest of her, still in the O.R.?
220 East 42nd Street
New York, New York
4PM Fill It Up with Regular and Check the Tires, Please
Employee #1: May I take your order, please?
Drive-thru customer: I want a Double Whopper, plain -- only cheese and a little mustard.
Employee #1: ... I'm sorry, we don't sell Double Whoppers here.
Customer: Oh, you don't? Okay, let me get just a Whopper, then.
Employee #2: Sir, we don't sell Whoppers. This is Wendy's.
Customer, unfazed: Oh. Okay then.
1066 Independence Boulevard
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: wage slave
3PM They Might Wonder Why You Were Eating Clay
Undergrad: If I shit a brick, what would the geologists think of it?
Men's room, University of Iowa
Iowa
2PM So If You Continue to Be Full of It, You Live Forever?
Suit to others: I guess he had a heart attack, man. He was on the john for two and a half weeks!
East Marginal Way
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: What?!?
1PM A Nighttime Visit by the Spirit of Dave Thomas Ignited His Passion for Fries
Manager: Are the fries ready yet?
Underling: Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!
Wendy's, Troy-Schenectady Road
Latham, New York
Overheard by: AndyfromLakewood
12PM The Turd Farming Rich Virginians Work in the Capitol
Worker #1: Who's that?
Worker #2: What, the new temp?
Worker #1: Oh. What happened to the other lady?
Worker #2: She was too over-qualified.
Worker #1: What, and the new guy's not? What is his experience?
Worker #2: Well, he was a turd farmer from poor Virginia.
Des Moines, Iowa
11AM "Night Sweats Are the Best Thing Since Dark Side of the Moon!" Raves Rolling Stone
Manager #1: These mood swings are driving me crazy. Everyone in my house is afraid of me. They are all walking on eggshells.
Manager #2: Menopause rocks.
365 West Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: cubicle right outside
10AM But Who Doesn't Like Bears?
Customer pays with credit card featuring bear logo.
Employee, very curious: Oh, do you like bears?! [Customer looks quizzical while another employee laughs hysterically.]
Omaha, Nebraska
9AM Together They Will Be Unstoppable
PR lady #1: I have nuts.
PR lady #2: That's great, because I have a penis.
658 Church Street
Richmond, Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: Louise
5PM Can You Define "Treat"?
Coworker: Treat yourself and your vag -- get a pap.
Austin, Texas
4PM It's All-Natural Stink, Though
Executive secretary: Well, we might be a scent-free workplace, but we are certainly not a stink-free workplace.
Topeka, Kansas
Overheard by: Denise
3PM Differences Between .Net and Java Developers Are Usually Harder to See
.Net developer, finishing a presentation: ... And that's my presentation on .Net custom controls. Any questions about the toggle reader or list controls?
Java developer, bursting at the seams: So it turns out my frat brothers inadvertently stole a human corpse!
Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania
2PM You Should See Me Parallel Park It
Worker bee #1: So, what do you think of my new car?
Worker bee #2: I think it looks like an un-circumcised dick.
Worker bee #1: Are you saying it's a cock wagon?
Worker bee #2: Dude, you couldn't pick up bitches in that.
Corvallis, Oregon
Overheard by: bystander
1PM But She Won't Go Anywhere Near a Carrot
Boss: The thing I love about Fiona* is that you'll offer her a stick and she'll immediately grab the wrong end.
Chislehurst, Kent
England
Overheard by: Bob Cat
12PM Just When I Thought Living in Jersey Couldn't Get Any Crappier
Suit #1: That toilet has been clogged for two days now. Didn't somebody call Property Management to fix it?
Suit #2: Yeah, they were called. Here comes Pete* from Property Management now. Check out the rubber gloves up to his elbows.
Suit #1: Hey, Pete, how's it going?
Pete: Okay, I guess. Same shit, different day.
2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
11AM I Transcend Mere Occupational Categories
Loudmouth designer: I am a designer. What are you?
Newbie: I am Hans.
Mitte, Berlin
Germany
Overheard by: smiling writer
10AM Don't Make Me Say It
Office mate: What were you doing in my crotch?!
Office, 42nd Street
New York, New York
9AM Sure Enough, It Says So in the Operating Manual
Tech guy on phone: If it's fixed, it's not working.
South Brunswick, New Jersey
5PM It Wasn't Big Enough for the Two of Them
Agent: ... And I have to go back out there because her husband's not in town this weekend.
Receptionist: Really? Where is he?
Agent: He's out of town!
Receptionist: ... Yeah. Thanks.
2661 Riva Road
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Car Ramrod
4PM Choked on Her Eggs? Worst Menstrual Period in History!
Admin #1: So, Sally* choked on her eggs, and then she said her throat was bleeding and had to leave.
Admin #2: Damn. She chokes on food more than Mama Cass.
Reynoldsburg, Ohio
Overheard by: someone who can swallow
3PM Especially Anything Related to Teledildonics
Boss: Our girl is interested in technology and will pay for it!
79 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Monkee
2PM Heaven Only Knows What May Have Been Scratched
Cube dweller: You sonofabitch, you're getting a goddamn manicure! If you don't, I'm going to rip your goddamn nails off, because you don't deserve them!
Office, Soho
New York, New York
Overheard by: Nervous Co-worker
1PM Geez, Do Dealers Make Fun of Addicts?
Employee, whispering about large customer entering: She'd like an additional chin...
7 Mile Road
Michigan
12PM Boss, Paper Consumption Has Doubled Recently!
Sales guy: Is the old copy machine face-up or face-down?
Office manager: Face... up. No, face-down. Eh, just try it both ways.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM That's Usually More of a Minor, but She's Really Motivated
Veteran student: What are you majoring in?
New student: I'm here for Cox.
Religious university near Cox School of Business
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Engineering Student
10AM Especially If He's the Simon Who Helped Jesus Carry His Cross
Wishful thinking peon on phone: Yes, I can meet with this Simon guy. It's not that Simon from American Idol, is it? Oh? That's too bad... I guess I'll still meet with him, though.
111 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
9AM We've Tried Not Giving You Work. I'm at My Wits' End Here.
Boss: You have to clean your work space. It's a mess.
Worker: The space is clear. It's only my desk that's a mess.
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
5PM I'd Hate to See a "Biggie"
Driver: I need to go home. There's been an emergency.
Dispatcher: Oh! What happened?
Driver: Oh, my dad croaked, and I need to get maintenance on my truck. No biggie.
Dispatcher: Uh, okay.
7253 Western Select Drive
Indianapolis, Indiana
4PM And I Have Sworn Statements Attesting to That Fact
Office grunt: I do have a great divide!
9350 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California
Overheard by: lonecomic
3PM Well, for One Thing, Tom Brokaw Would Be Pissed!
CEO: I have come up with the solution for the conflict between Israel and Palestine.
Employee: Yeah? What is it?
CEO: The US takes a part of Montana near the Canadian border where no American wants to live and donates it to the Jews. They can all move there and set up their own new Israel there, and all the fighting can stop.
Employee, chuckling, then pausing: ... Wait, are you serious? I don't think that would work.
CEO: Why not?
Frederick, Maryland
Overheard by: poj
2PM But Do They Justify the Ends?
Employee to another: There's no telling with Farnsworth! There's no rhyme to his means!
Winter Park
Orlando, Florida
1PM The CEO Didn't Realize the Gravity of Mr. Cheney's Warning Until It Was Too Late
CEO to board: This is too complicated for you. The lawyer and myself are like eagles flying high above you. You wouldn't understand.
Board member: Yes, but remember -- we can shoot you down.
4000 Old Seward Highway
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: Ataqun
12PM Not Even a Mint on the Seat?
Manager leaving toilet stall, to next person in line: Don't worry -- I didn't leave anything in there.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
11AM Blamestorming Session
Female intern: I'm not sorry.
Male worker: You should be. I missed my deadline.
Female intern: You missed your deadline because you are hungover, like, every day.
Male worker: Compounded by the fact I have to mentor skanks at work!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Blondie
10AM "Your Directory" Is Her Nickname for the Dumpster Out Back
Office manager: Could you save this file somewhere in the system, please?
Receptionist: Where?
Office manager: Well, save it somewhere so that I could find it easily.
Receptionist, when manager leaves: Sure, bitch, I will do it, but don't ask me if you can't find it.
Office manager, returning: Excuse me?
Receptionist: Uh... I just said that I will save it in your directory, ma'am.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: jullylully
9AM We're Very Attached to Old Gloria, with Her Wacky Pink Cord and All Those Friendly Buttons
Coworker: Gloria* is actually the name of the person's phone we're replacing.
727 Elmwood Avenue
Rochester, New York
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