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5PM A Jury of His Peers
Cafeteria employee: What is the name of that guy who wrote The Pelican Brief? He wrote, like, eight books about the law.
Law student: Ummm... Dean Koontz...?
Cafeteria employee: Good one, man! This guy is smart!
600 New Jersey Avenue NW
Washington, DC
4PM It's the Pepsi Degeneration
Assistant: I went to the grocery store this past weekend. Do you know my kids drank five two-liters of Pepsi since then? Three and a half kids drank five bottles of Pepsi.
Sales guy: What'd you do with the other half a kid? ... That must have been awful!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM The Best Parties Result in Both Workers' Comp and EEO Cases
Lady peon #1: Are you going to participate in Lou's retirement party?
Lady peon #2: Yes -- I'm going to jump out of the cake.
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: The Quotable Cubicle
2PM What? Glen Calls Them Hot All the Time.
Coworker #1, drinking with group: I've got two kids, a daughter and a son.
Coworker #2: Oh, yeah? I didn't know that. Does Betty* have any kids?
Coworker #3: No. Glen* has kids, though.
Coworker #1: Who?
Coworker #3: You know, Glen -- over there at the table across the room. He has two daughters. They came to the office a couple times. One's about 12, and the other's 15 or something like that.
Top executive: Yeah, and they're pretty hot, too! [All three coworkers silent.] Uhhh... Healthy, I mean. Good kids.
Spirit of Seattle Argosy Cruise Ferry, Lake Union
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Why Can't I Be Deaf?
1PM Last Time I Couldn't Walk for a Week!
Coworker: Did you lube that up? You gotta lube that up.
301 Commerce Street
Fort Worth, Texas
12PM But May Is National Masturbation Month
Lady peon: Having a shower in December is the perfect idea. You're going to get so many sex toys!
Baby goods store
Danbury, Connecticut
Overheard by: This makes my job worth it...
11AM And Right Up Until Then, They'd Had No Idea She Was Retarded
Susan*: What language was that?
Office lady, hanging up phone: Croatian.
Susan: Oh, wow, I didn't know you were black. [Entire office goes silent.]
Boss, from his office: Susan*, you're fired.
Garden City, New York
10AM Dude, Facts Aren't Subject to Consensus
Employee #1, giving presentation: You can't get HIV from urine. Urine is actually sterile.
Employee #2: Blood is sterile!
Employee #1: Ummm, I'm pretty sure it's not.
Employee #2: No, blood is sterile.
Employee #3: How can blood be sterile? What about hepatitis?
Employee #2: Well, I mean, it's sterile to you when it's inside of you.
Employee #1: Okay, everybody, blood is sterile... unless it's full of HIV.
Rancho Cordova, California
9AM I Hear Metallica Is Going to Call Their Next Album "Butterfly"
Male staff #1: Hey, check out that butterfly on the window sill.
Male staff #2: Wow! That's cool. Man, I'm not trying to sound girly, but butterflies are beautiful. I have this bush outside my house that they just love, and it's so cool to watch them.
Male staff #1: Yeah, man, seriously. I'm not going to be covering my car with butterfly stickers, but butterflies do kick ass.
Male staff #2: Totally.
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: a butterfly
5PM Frankly, What You Did in There Was Subpar
Male boss: I want you to know that was awesomely wicked!
Female worker, just exiting ladies' room: You can hear what people do in there?
Male boss: No! No... I meant, that e-mail you sent last week.
Kitchener, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Notdaboss
4PM A Modest Proposal
Executive VP: We have to eat our own children before someone else does.
Quarterly review conference call
Virginia
Overheard by: He who has given up eating human flesh, mostly
3PM Someone's Gotta Give Him the Full Lube Service
Nurse: We need you to be here for the duration of your brother's procedure. He should be done in 15 minutes or so.
20-something mechanic: Do I need to be here? [Points at floor.] Or here? [Points at room.] Because that is one flashlight I don't wanna hold!
Proctologist's office
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: but he's taken a shine to you!
2PM Who Could Have Guessed "Good Vibrations" Wouldn't Be the Pinnacle of His Career?
Newbie: Did you know Matt Goldberg used to be a singer?
Employee: Who?
Newbie: Mark Goldberg?
Employee: You mean Mark Wahlberg?
Newbie: Yeah! That's it!
5100 Spectrum Way
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
1PM Woulda Been a Lot Easier Just to Say, "Sure, No Prob"
Boss: Hey, can you make a calendar that looks like this? [Hands a paper to her.]
Underling: Yeah. You know this is from [the other agency], right?
Boss: Yeah, the client likes it. We have to go with that.
Underling: But their calendar is a copy of the one I did for the client. The client just handed it to them, and they made all these little changes.
Boss: Yeah, just do it like that.
Underling: But I already did it. They only took my calendar and messed with it.
Boss: Just make it look like this one!
Underling: But it's my calendar!
Boss: Just make it look like this one! [Boss stalks off.]
Underling, to entire office: Am I in a Dilbert cartoon?
3rd Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Geoge Washington Did Perm His Hair before Battle
Know-it-all peon: I swear, every invention in this world was invented for war. Highways, the Internet -- everything! Don't you read?
Lady peon: Okay, Eric*! What about perms? Hot rollers weren't made for war!
Know-it-all peon: Perms aren't inventions.
Lady peon: My ass, they aren't!
Waterloo, Iowa
11AM This Is How #2 Gets His Proofreading Done for Free
Coworker #1: Have you filed your travel voucher for that conference in Indianapolis?
Coworker #2: Yes.
Coworker #1: Let me see your copy so I can fill mine out correctly.
Coworker #2: Here you go.
Coworker #1: Let's see. You used the year '05 instead of '06, did not provide departure/arrival times, omitted your social security number, and didn't total the round trip mileage and mileage reimbursement columns. Thanks.
4555 Central Avenue
Columbus, Indiana
10AM In Reality, Nobody Wins Existential Hockey
Male worker #1, after a meeting: Wanna play hockey?
Female worker: Where's the goal?
Male worker #1: This is existential hockey. There is no goal. You win when you decide you've won.
Female worker: Okay. I've won, then.
Male worker #1: Okay.
Male worker #2: They always win.
Male worker #1: That's true. We can't win. We're really not even playing for the same stakes, are we?
800 California Avenue
Sunnyvale, California
Overheard by: Alan
9AM After Going into Management, Forrest Gump Often Got Depressed
Distraught manager: My William Shatner pictures are gone! What happened to my Shats?! [Sigh] Life is like a box of crap...
720 Executive Park Drive
Greenwood, Indiana
5PM Still, I'd Prefer to Vote Democratic
Designer: It wouldn't have to be like kissing your mom or anything. It could be like chopping your finger off.
860 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
4PM Still Doesn't Explain Your Tutu, Earl
Manager: If man were meant to wear pants, then dogs would wear pants, too.
Kane Hall, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
3PM You're Welcome to Watch the Kitchencam With Me
Manager to secretary: Excuse me, could you please put this in the fridge? I pity the person that tries to drink that... It looks exactly like apple juice, doesn't it? But it's really a urine sample I need to take to the doctor's this afternoon...
Project Drive
Tempe, Arizona
2PM And Drunk People Even More So
Coworker: Well, people are essentially like Slinkies...
Lexington, Massachusetts
Overheard by: loves her job
1PM Hard to Tell, When There Are No New TV Episodes
Patient: What day is today?
Staff: Today is Thursday.
Patient: Hmmm... Is it last Thursday?
Staff: No, it's this Thursday.
Patient: Oh.
Psychiatric hospital
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Another staff member
12PM Dude, Just Pull the Tray Out and Put It in Again
Man, to copier: There is paper in there! Stop being stupid! No, I will not add paper to tray four, I can tell you that right now. I will shoot someone before I add paper to tray four.
Berry College
Rome, Georgia
11AM I Told You That in Confidence
Loud-mouth designer: You had one of those UNICEF kids, adopted it, then ate it.
860 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
10AM The Dishwasher's Just Where I Hide Out When I Get Busy
Young female worker: Oh! Just the lady I wanted to see!
Mature female worker: Hang on! I have to do something and then I'll be in my usual cupboard if you want to see me!
Freshwater Place, Southbank
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Nose E Parker
9AM Why We're All Unhappy With Our ISPs: Explained
Coworker #1: Yo! Can you send me that link again?
Coworker #2: Which one?
Coworker #1: You know, that one you sent me. With the article about the guy from My Chemical Romance.
Coworker #2: You mean Wikipedia?
Coworker #1: Yeah. I wonder what else is on there.
Internet service provider, 110 Symonds Street
Auckland
New Zealand
5PM Yeah, Bears Always Know When It's Time to Eat
Office worker #1: It's four o'clock! [Later] It's four-thirty!
Office worker #2: Thanks, Big Ben.
Office worker #1: [Blank stare.]
Office worker #2: You know what Big Ben is, right?
Office worker #1: Oh, yeah, that old TV show [raises arms and growls like a bear].
Highway 85
Madisonville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
4PM For the Last Time, the University of Delaware Isn't a Jail
Male officer: I've hit women before.
Female coworker: I bet you have.
Male officer: Prisoners. Like this one who tried to scratch me. I told her, 'You're not a cat, and I'm not a post. Now I'm gonna have to change your future.'
Newark, Delaware
3PM After Deciding "Every Man for Himself" Was Sexist
30-ish dude: We're not calling it 'no support.' We're calling it 'free reign.'
Elevator, Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Christin
2PM I'd Write Him a Nasty Note, but My Pen's Out of Ink
Office guy #1: Apparently we can't have mechanical pencils anymore.
Office guy #2: Dammit! That supply czar is drunk with power.
1255 23rd Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Kristen
1PM For the Record, I Call My Vibrator "The Bird"
Supervisor: I think my bird is dying. What should I do?
Coworker #1: Put it in a bag and tie it to your car exhaust.
Coworker #2: Put it in the freezer.
Coworker #3: Put in a bag and whack it.
Supervisor: You people scare me... Go back to work.
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Thanks, Sweetie, but a Juice Box Isn't the Same Thing at All
Teacher running in, glancing around wildly: Anyone got a lighter?
Preschool
Denver, Colorado
11AM Southern Charm, Encapsulated
Worker on phone: Yes, ma'am, we'll get you what you need right away... Well, thank you, Linda*. We enjoy your business. You're one of my favorite customers. Without you our company would suffer a tremendous loss. Okay... Thank you. [Hangs up.] Bitch.
7501 NE Loop 820
Texas
Overheard by: lmao
10AM Lenny and Carl Finally Confront the Race Issue
White coworker, with food in mouth: Are you going upstairs?
Black coworker: I'm sorry, what? I don't speak cracker. [White coworker gasps.] I didn't mean it like that. I just meant you had a cracker in your mouth!
White coworker: Sure you did!
D Street SW
Washington, DC
9AM Four-Minute Sex Changes Are the Wave of the Future
Programmer returning from extended bathroom break: You know, I don't want to include too much information, but my pants fit much better now.
1900 Richmond Road
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: The Surly Programmer
5PM Would You Settle for Nutter Butters?
Cube rat exiting front door: I'm going out. Can I bring back anything for anybody?
Voice from back of room: Johnny Depp.
Cube rat, disgustedly: Oh, nice, but I meant bring back anything to eat.
Different voice from back of room: Johnny Depp on a cracker.
4th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
4PM Things Go in There and Are Never Seen Again
Worker #1: Well, you'll need to just put it in Lucy's* box.
Worker #2: True... Is she here today?
Worker #1: Yes. Just go up to her office and put it in her box or ask her where else she wants it.
Worker #2: Her box is always so full! But I'll dig around and find some room.
Bloomington, Indiana
3PM Guess I'll Let the Matter Drop, Then
IT intern: Hey, I read your article. I liked it.
Reporter: Um... Which one?
IT intern: Ummm, I don't know. I was in the bathroom.
101 North 2nd Street
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Andréa Cecil
2PM I Think I Know What We'll Be Serving at Your Farewell Party
Manager: You going to an interview or something?
Sales dude: Yeah. Like my tie?
Manager: It looks like whipped cream on a turd. Good luck.
1 Thomas Drive
Westbrook, Maine
1PM You Can't Teach If Your Liberal Credentials Get Revoked
Professor: Yeah, my daughter's having a slumber party tonight. She invited eight girls, but one of them can't come because she's a Jew.
Grad student: Oh...
Professor: I mean, because there's a Jewish holiday this weekend she has to observe.
Grad student: Oh, okay. Not because you don't allow them in your home...
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
12PM Is He Related at All to Barbara Seville?
Cube dweller #1: She looks like the bride of Frankenstein.
Cube dweller #2: Who's Brian Frankenstein?
Chesapeake, Virginia
Overheard by: head:desk
11AM But Your Hand on My Ass? Not So Much.
Creative director: Okay, well... just... put it on the back burner for now. And maybe it will go away.
Art director: I like where your head is at.
Ad agency
Hudson Valley, New York
Overheard by: Staci Lynn
10AM But That's "Mom" to You, Buddy
Manager, just after he finishes dialing phone: I'm calling ol' big tits.
Female voice: Uh, hello?
Manager: Oh... Hi. Who is this?
Female voice, angrily: This is 'big tits,' apparently.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM And I'm Definitely Hungover after That
Female peon to another: My roommate wants me to do laundry, but I don't know when I can do it. I'm too hung over on Saturday morning, and I have Bible study Sunday morning.
Studio City, California
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