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5PM I'm an Expert on Shady Mail-Order-Bride Businesses
Coworker: Have you been to Foreign Brides* dot com? This is what they do -- they send you a picture and string you on. Then they say they need a thousand dollars for a flight. I didn't send it, because I knew! I knew this was a scam.
8 Cambridge Center
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM Kids Do the Darndest Things, Huh?
Customer, excitedly: Yeah, if I do exactly as the judge says, I'll be off of probation in a year!
Old cashier: In a year? Lucky you! My son has four years of probation.
Customer: Four years? Man, that's tough. What did he do?
Old cashier: He shot someone! [Breaks into hysterical laughter along with the customer.]
South Adams Street
Marion, Indiana
Overheard by: Just wanted to pay for my groceries
3PM Hey, This Actually Is Fun!
Voice on phone: Hi. I just wanted to ask if you're open today?
Employee: No, we're not. I just thought it would be fun to come over here on my free day. That it?
Voice on phone: ... Well, that was rude [hangs up].
Cell phone store
Kansas City, Missouri
2PM We'd Have to Ask Tyra Banks's Photographers about That
Office hottie: I don't know how easy it is to Photoshop arm fat into muscle.
Newtown Square, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Boner Police
1PM ... Anymore
Office chick #1: Don't squeeze it! All the goo will come out!
Office chick #2, playing with stress ball: Why, what happened?
Office chick #1: I got a little too excited and squeezed it until it popped... That's why I don't hold babies...
Arlington, Virginia
12PM Reader Poll: Would You Climb Under Your Desk for Your Favorite Pen?
Client: She said she was looking for a pen.
Attorney: And the pen was under her desk?
Client: Yes, and she's a pack rat, and everything in the world is under her desk...
Attorney: And she got stuck that way?
Client: Yes, and we had to call security so they could drag her out by her ankles...
Attorney: I hope that was a really nice pen.
Kern County Superior Court
Bakersfield, California
Overheard by: Frazzled lawyer
11AM Leadership Is Having Him Ask for Seconds
Project lead: It's like making a vegetarian eat a hamster.
Burton Drive
Santa Clara, California
Overheard by: Rob
10AM Tonight's Movie: When Hairy Met Silly
New hire: They finally mopped the floor by my desk.
Boss lady: Did they wax your area, too?
728 State Street
Madison, Wisconsin
9AM Project Cat People Hits an Ethical Snag
Lab worker #1: Murder only applies to humans. It's a term specific to us.
Lab worker #2: You can't 'murder' a dream?
Lab worker #1: You can't murder baby cows.
Lab worker #2: What about cats?
Lab worker #1: No. Cats can't be murdered... Unless they?re half-cat, half-person.
Lab worker #2: Then it's half murder.
Lab worker #1: Even if it's premeditated, it's knocked back to manslaughter. That?s probably why the cat people think we're biased against them, but really it's just that the legal system wasn?t set up with them in mind. [Silence.] I've thought about this a lot.
Durham, North Carolina
5PM I'll Just Let Myself Out. Again.
Employer: Unfortunately, you're not bond-able for hire because you have a felony from 2003.
Interviewee: I do? What for?
Employer: It seems it was for a parole violation.
Interviewee: Those are felonies?
Coralville, Iowa
Overheard by: Meg
4PM Not the First Song Inspired by Porky Pig
Singing employee: Oooh, baaacon weaver! I believe we can reach the morning light!
Kane Hall, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
3PM If You Die, I'm Docking Your Pay
Manager: Oh, oh! Are you coughing?
Gagging cube rat: No... I'm... Choking...
Manager, walking on: Oh, good, I thought you were getting sick, too.
4th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
2PM So He's Open about Sleeping with Other Boys
Server admin: He's Catholic, isn't he?
Developer: Nah, he's just gay.
State and Water Street
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: only girl in an office of men...
1PM Great! See You As Soon As I Remove My Sopping Tampon
Lady peon: Hey, wanna get a beer after work?
Male peon: Yeah, right after I unleash hellfire on my toilet bowl...
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: I love where I work!!
12PM Without Warning, My Metaphor Turned on Me
Worker #1: Well, yeah, I was hoping to spend more time with Stan* in the future.
Worker #2, soon to go overseas: Yeah, you can fill the gaping hole in his life when I leave.
Worker #1: I thought we could fill each other's gaping holes.
Worker #2: Argh!
162 Goulburn Street
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Warlach
11AM Sir, I Assure You They're Better Than the Dress
Boss: I hate these inappropriate pants!
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
10AM Now She Was a Secular Humanist with Balls
Professor, about his mother: ... And I told her, 'Maybe you're going to hell.' To her credit, she laughed. And then she died.
Emerson College
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: omateido
9AM Just Wait 'Til He Learns about Subtraction
Suit: Hey, which button is the hyphen? [Peon disappointedly points to hyphen key.] Oh, I thought that was called a 'dash.'
Mortgage company
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Baffled how he gets paid four times as much as i do
5PM And Now She's Rounding Down
Male banker on phone: He cheated on her and she took him back. Now I think she might dump him, which is really funny because, you know, he's got everything, and she's just so... average!
54th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: not-nearly -as-shallow female banker
4PM It's Why I Get the Big Bucks
HR woman: Oh, I love passing the buck. Passing the buck is my middle name.
Internet company
Pasadena, California
3PM I Need to Live a Life Where This Is "Only"
Guy on smoke break: ... And when he came home, he only had, like, eight hundred bucks in his wallet -- something like that.
St. Paul, Minnesota
2PM Come Find Out for Yourself / Give It a Few Swings / Take a Few Whacks Yourself
New analyst to managing director, about golf club: Hey, is your shaft stiff?
51 West 52nd Street
New York, New York
1PM Actually, They're Navajos / Zunis / Cherokees/ Etc.
Diversity committee meeting leader: What's the makeup of the Long Island office?
Voice on speakerphone: Two Jewish, one black, and two American.
Meeting attendee: I think she means WASP.
350 Broadway
New York, New York
12PM Well, That Depends If You Ever Considered Him Alive
Colleague: You know why George Bush Sr. died? [Others look at one another, then laugh.] ... Isn't he dead?!
Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: JS
11AM So Jenna Jameson's Baptizing My Kid Tonight
Employee to IT: So, I have to get my kid baptized, and I've been search the web all day. I find this site that says 'Weddings and baptisms,' so I open it up and -- you guessed it -- porn!
20800 Harvard Road
Cleveland, Ohio
10AM The Boss-Lady's Mistake Was Referring to Workers as "Peons"
Coworker #1, at nine AM: Is it time to go home yet?
Coworker #2: Not quite! Why, not feeling well?
Coworker #1: Was at a friend's house last night -- mixed rum and wine. It's gonna be a long day... Think the boss lady will let us go home early?
Coworker #2: Don't think so. Just drink a glass of water; you'll be fine.
Coworker #1: Maybe if I pee in my office, she'll let me go home.
Coworker #2: But I don't think she'll let you come back...
Kenmount Road
St. John's, Newfoundland
Canadia
Overheard by: Summer Temp
9AM They Answer Only to God
White female coworker, about guy holding exotic bird: That's one of those talking birds.
Hispanic female coworker: Yeah, I've seen those before.
White female coworker: They can talk, but you can't hold a conversation with them. They're not that smart. They can't answer when you ask them a question.
Hispanic female coworker: Uh-huh.
633 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Appalled
5PM He Likes to Be on Top
Cube rat: Are you threatening my life?!
Female drone: No! I am threatening your position in this office!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
4PM But Can You Manage It?
Boss, interrupting serious discussion on Risk Management: I'm feeling frisky!
Atlanta, Georgia
3PM At Dr. Moreau's Veterinary Clinic
Vet on phone: He's a little groggy now, but he should be one-eyed and bushy-tailed tomorrow morning.
Route 5
Norwich, Vermont
Overheard by: has two-eyed cats
2PM Infected?
Employee to another: She always gets like that... when she cheats on him...
56 Haddon Avenue
Haddonfield, New Jersey
1PM You'd Think People Wouldn't Be Like That in Mechanicsville
VP on phone: Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am, it's nine inches by five inches, or something like that...
Mechanicsville, Virginia
Overheard by: Alan
12PM But the Hottest One of Those in the Office
Biotech peon: Someone should tell her that dress makes her look like a 90-year-old Hawaiian woman. A blind, drunk 90-year-old Hawaiian woman.
York Road
Elmhurst, Illinois
11AM Or Mighty Mouse
Sales guy: The best place to call for help is Support.
301 Rockrimmon Boulevard
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: Mystified
10AM She Hasn't Recovered from the "Poulet de Spam" Incident
Ghetto-fab girl: Hey, is your chicken made with real chicken?
Employee: Uh... yes?
Ghetto-fab girl: Like, it's made with the real chicken that lays eggs and stuff like that?
Employee: Yes, ma'am. The chicken is made with real, egg-laying chicken.
Food court, Westfield West County Mall
Des Peres, Missouri
9AM Gotta Pray to Play
Female peon #1: It's so hard to go out, never mind find a new guy. My ex and I both grew up in Randolph, so we know everyone. I can't go anywhere without him or his friends being there.
Female peon #2: You should come to The Jug with me. I know plenty of guys your age.
Boss: You want to meet guys in a bar? You should get a nice guy from church.
Female peon #2: Are you suggesting that we work the church?
Avon, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Fae
5PM "Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Punch-out," by Joe the Cashier
Cashier: My nephew started swearing up a storm at me, and I almost punched him. Then he started saying, 'Uno, dos, tres,' and I realized it was Spanish he learned from Dora. Damn, I almost punched him, because I didn't know what he was sayin'. I also hate those kids that used to run into the store when they saw those Barney footprints by the door... I used to want to punch them, too.
205 East Lincoln Way
Ames, Iowa
Overheard by: Not a Kid Fan, but not a Kid Puncher, either
4PM You Oughta See the Line at the ATM
Clerk #1: Oh, no, not again!
Clerk #2: What?
Clerk #1: This register! It keeps going down on me!
Gilroy, California
Overheard by: I didn't know they had that feature
3PM Like the One Your Parents Should Have Used
Woman: Hand me one of those magazines.
Man: Gourmet?
Woman: No.
Man: Newsweek?
Woman: No.
Man: Time?
Woman: No. [Looks at kids' table.] What about that table over there?
Man: Well, there's Highlights...
Woman: Okay, grab those. [Begins working on puzzles.] What's hollow -- a lute, a sponge, or a jar?
Man: Lute.
Woman: No, sponge.
Man: You can't see through a sponge.
Teen nearby: Can't see through a wall, either, and it's hollow.
Man: True. Got a point there. Must be a sponge.
Woman: Okay, it's a sponge.
Waiting area, Forensic and Mental Health Services
Hamilton, Ohio
Overheard by: Kim
2PM Why Bisexual Women Become Exclusively Lesbian
Female finance analyst: ... And it's all about titties and beer. [In squeaky little voice] Titties! Titties! Titties!
700 West Capitol Avenue
Little Rock, Arkansas
1PM Still, If We Make Him a VP, He Can Delegate the Pants Project to a Subordinate
Coworker on phone: I wouldn't put that guy in charge of his own pants.
516 High Street
Maitland, NSW
Australia
Overheard by: Squigley
12PM He Just Doesn't Understand
Employee #1: I can't believe I spent four hours working on my lawn over the weekend!
Employee #2: Yeah, it seems like most people don't understand that a beautiful lawn doesn't grow on trees.
Employee #1: [Stares silently.]
Employee #2: It doesn't, y'know.
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: Bryan
11AM We Are the Police Department, So I'm Guessing Somebody Does
Worker: Hey, it's Friday! You should go drink something in the lounge before you leave. Almost everyone's in a meeting. I've already had two beers.
Intern: Haha, um... I'm actually underage.
Worker: Oh, who cares?
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: not in meeting
10AM You Have That Nightmare, Too? I Thought I Was Alone!
Writer: It sounds like my worst nightmare. Isn't it just Samuel L. Jackson yelling at people for two hours? Nope, I'm not seeing that.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
9AM Aw, Just Kidding! It's for the Homecoming Dance! Go Rams!
Director: I'd like to announce that Albert*, our intern for the summer, is leaving to go back to school. His last day will be Friday. We are going to miss you here! [Team claps.]
Intern: Um, actually, I've decided not to go back to school. I'm moving to Israel.
Manager: Why are you moving to Israel? It's not exactly a safe place to be right now.
Intern: I feel that I need to go and support my people.
Manager: But you're not Jewish. You're Russian.
Intern: Yes, I am Russian, and I am also Jewish. That's what this yarmulke is for [points to head.]
11th Street and Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: i can't believe i work here
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