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5PM It's Ludacris's / Moby's / O. Henry's Birthday, Haters!
Colleague on cell: Haha! Oh, yeah, we could use that to celebrate September eleventh!
Government office
Wellington
New Zealand
4PM Yes. Yes You Am.
Office grunt on cell: Yesterday I couldn't even spell 'truck driver,' and today I are one!
175 Hutchinson Avenue
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Hates Walkie-Talkie Cell Phones
3PM No, It's Only If You Do It with the Students
Teacher: It's not like you go out in nature and see plants, like, getting it on. [Class laughs.] I don't know if I'm allowed to say that at school...
Covington, Louisiana
Overheard by: Erica
2PM But Will They Let Me Keep the Foil-wrapped Cucumber in My Crotch?
Peon #1: Did you hear they're thinking about banning all gel-enhanced bras on airplanes?
Peon #2: Women wear gel in their bras?
Peon #1: It's like padding, but gel, which gives it a more natural enhancement and feel.
Peon #2: That's false advertising!
Nova Scotia
Canadia
1PM When to Call the Police beforehand, Just in Case
Suit: I want to take a personal day on Friday.
Boss: Okay, no problem. What are you doing on your day off?
Suit: I'm not telling you -- it's a personal day!
2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
12PM Which Is, Like, Three Ethiopians, at Least
Editor: I really like Ethiopian food.
Publisher: Melanie* gained 10 pounds when she was in Africa.
Sparks Street
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
11AM Because of Cocaine-Induced Constipation?
20-ish female coworker: I've never understood why people do lines of coke off of toilet seats at clubs.
Middle-aged male coworker: Well, it's not as wet as the sink...
20-ish female coworker: But isn't that dirty?
Middle-aged male coworker: No one ever poops at a club.
1054 31st Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: I prefer a table
10AM Why Won't He Just F-ing Tell Her?
Worker bee #1: What's the name of that movie with Samuel L. Jackson and the snakes on a plane?
Worker bee #2: Snakes on a Plane.
Worker bee #1: Yeah -- what's the name of it?
Worker bee #2: [Sighs.]
Hospital
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Andy
9AM Those Team-Building Exercises Are Really Paying Off
Editor-in-chief to opinion editor: Liberal and short. If I had to describe you in two words, that'd be it. Well, only if I couldn't use the word 'bitch.'
Newsroom, Oklahoma State University-Stillwater
Stillwater, Oklahoma
Overheard by: The Opinionator
5PM Unfortunately, We Frequent the Same Strip Clubs
Guy on speakerphone: How was your weekend?
VP: Good. How was yours?
Guy on speakerphone: Oh, you know -- same old, same old... Just spent it trying to avoid my wife.
5690 DTC Boulevard
Greenwood Village, Colorado
4PM I Can Think of at Least a Couple More Ways He Could Make It Special
Customer: Do you have any raspberry tea?
Server: No.
Customer: Do you have any special flavored teas?
Server: I guess that depends on if you think sweetened is special.
3026 Richmond Road
Williamsburg, Virginia
Overheard by: Tired of the Service Industry
3PM But I Still Could Only Get Half-way In
Mechanic: Did you put lube in it?
Customer: I put all the lube in she would take.
1301 Highway 501 East
Conway, South Carolina
2PM Tech Support Is Now a 976- Number
Male coworker: Yeah, mine keeps flopping down... I'm talking about my computer, by the way...
Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: Jewels
1PM Why the Frolicking Class is Always Booked
Gym employee: I have so much energy! I just want to frolic around naked!
1400 East 6th Street
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: dana
12PM Explain "Important"
Assistant VP: This is an important question I need to ask: Is Britney Spears pregnant again?
Office manager: Uh, yeah.
Assistant VP: Oh, okay. I can't tell if she just stayed fat after the last one or is pregnant again.
149 West 105th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Last Day on the Job
11AM And Even All through His Funeral
Admin on cell: He has to see a urologist -- the Viagra didn't work... The fucking clinic told him to get herbal supplements at Wal-Mart, and it worked. He was a squirting flagpole for hours!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hallwalker
10AM Aren't Shaved Cats Hypoallergenic?
Woman peon: David* always reminds me of Dr. Evil.
Man peon: Just because he is bald?
Woman peon: Well, his newborn son has no hair, either, and looks just like him. It's just like Mini-Me. All he needs is a shaved cat.
Man peon: I never understood the shaved cat thing. What's up with a shaved cat? Do you shave your cat?
Woman peon: No, I don't have a cat. I have allergies.
Man peon: Really?
Landings Drive
Mountain View, California
9AM It's Not Mono, I'm Just Tired
Assistant manager: So, you went with the monochromatic look today, huh?
CSR: Nah, man, this is olive.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Steph
5PM Wants to Be the Gay Talking Car
Peon #1: You know what TV show I'd really like to be on?
Peon #2: Knight Rider?
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: still laughing
4PM Even Zoophiles Have Relationship Issues
Male worker on phone: What? Was it my fault? I'm sorry, I said the wrong thing... So she's still in heat?
11th Avenue
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Needs a new desk soon
3PM She Gets "Audited" Regularly
Woman: I approach the whole situation with airplanes like I do the IRS -- I just bend over and submit.
2211 47th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM The Minnesota Twins? Couldn't Hurt.
Designer: ... And we still have to buy legs for the twins.
111 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
1PM Vanilla Ice Encounters Difficulties on His Comeback Tour
Composition runner: I spilled milkshake in my pants today.
225 Varick Street
New York, New York
12PM In Their Day, They Were a Hot Couple
Elderly female customer: I do miss my husband, you know? I had to have him cremated after he fell out of bed.
London
England
Overheard by: Badger
11AM Were You Planning to Come Back for Your Baby, Then?
Beer store employee: Can I help you to your car with that?
Middle-aged customer: I'm a woman. I gave birth. I can carry a case of beer.
Verona, Pennsylvania
10AM You've Been Living in a Dream World, Neo
Technical lead: See, I can't do anything here in Version Three.
System admin: That's because you're not connected to the universe.
Technical lead: But the copy of the good universe didn't point to us!
System admin: What universe are you guys operating in?
IT intern: Depends on what we're smoking.
12900 Worldgate Drive
Herndon, Virginia
Overheard by: IT Consulting Stooge #4769
9AM Seems to Have Misunderstood Geena Davis's Role in Cutthroat Island
PR agent: He's greedy, and he's a pirate, and he's a whore.
350 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: editorial intern/slave
5PM Couldn't I Just Use a Quill and Parchment?
Paralegal in training: Help me! The text that I am typing is replacing the text that is already there!
Patient coworker: Um... Hit the 'Insert' key.
Paralegal in training: ... Where on the screen do I click that?!
San Francisco, California
4PM "Sounds of Silence"?
Coworker #1: I can't believe you're singing.
Coworker #2: I always sing.
Coworker #1: Yeah, but the owner of the company is standing right over there!
Coworker #2: Why? Does she have a request?
Avon, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Fae
3PM Completely Missed the Point of the Workplace Violence Training
Coworker #1, wielding a letter opener: C'mon, it isn't that sharp.
Coworker #2: Still, in a fist-fight I'd pick it over bare fists.
Coworker #1, making a stabbing motion: Yeah!
3550 North University Avenue
Provo, Utah
Overheard by: Ambiguous Antecedent
2PM Oh, I've Got Something Hard You Can Suck On. A Lemon Drop. What?
Queer employee: Don't we have any hard candy to suck on?
5200 Blue Lagoon Drive
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Lizzo
1PM They're Like the Chinese Food of Eaters -- An Hour Later, They're Hungry Again
Important European suit: It's like feeding Ethiopians -- there's never going to be enough food.
Midtown
New York, New York
Overheard by: And I Thought I Was Offensive . . .
12PM Methinks the Dumbass Doth Protest Too Much
Coworker: I sound like such a dumbass, but I swear I'm not!
1400 Penn Avenue
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
11AM It's Never Been Grounded, Helps Old Ladies across the Street...
Customer: What's the lunch special?
Waitress: The Reuben -- it's very good... Of course, I haven't had it before...
624 Ludington Street
Escanaba, Michigan
Overheard by: Huh!?!
10AM At Least He'd Support You
Designer #1: Ew.
Designer #2: What?
Designer #1: You know on my profile how I said I'd marry my bike if I could? I got an e-mail from a guy who says, 'If you ever marry your bike, I want to be the seat.'
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
9AM The Advice They Should Give in Sex Ed
Employee on phone: You have to lubricate. You can't just shove it in there. This is a moving thing -- you have to take care of it.
270 Park Avenue
Huntington, New York
5PM Sorry, I Got a Light-Duty Slip from My Doctor
Clerk: You got time to whip this big one out?
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Doug's Mom
4PM Freakin' by the Deli Case
Cashier: No, seriously, guys -- I think this place would be so much more lively if every Friday night we had a store-wide dance-off... Just think -- disco in the produce department. Swing in the bakery. Riverdance on the booze aisle.
Grocery store
Columbia, South Carolina
3PM Kristin Scott Thomas Has Come to Enjoy These Phone Calls
Coworker on phone: So, how big are your tits now?!
MoPac Expressway and Braker Lane
Austin, Texas
2PM Epistemology at the Monsanto Broccoli Plant
Employee #1: So we don't sell insurance! What's hard to understand about that?
Employee #2: I don't know. It's like, 'Don't yell at the broccoli plant for not growing carrots.'
2145 Riverside Drive
Macon, Georgia
Overheard by: not an insurance salesman
1PM My True Self Turned Out to Be a Guy Named "Jingles"
Boss: There are many people who are much more like me than I am.
2560 9th Street
Berkeley, California
Overheard by: anonymous coward
12PM Really, Any Warm Liquid Will Do
Employee, gasping: It's that huge?
Supervisor: Yeah... But once you add water, it comes right off.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
11AM Certainly, Sir. Will There Be Anything Else?
Superior, after staring at his computer screen for 10 minutes: Well, butter my ass and call me a biscuit!
North Division Street
Peekskill, New York
10AM It's Just Trying to Tell You It Thinks You're Pretty
Salesperson: I'm having problems with my unit.
Accountant: What?
Salesperson: Yeah. When I put it in my ear, it whistles.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
9AM This Will Only Confuse the President
Colleague: So, there is a good reason to suggest that Al-Quieda are Gerry Anderson fans.
England
Overheard by: SpaceBee
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