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5PM 10 Print "Rock On!" 20 GOTO 10
Office girl: So, are you psyching yourself up to play the show tonight?
Office guy: Um, if by 'psyching' you mean 'writing code,' then yes, I am.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Naomi
4PM Stop Undressing Me with Your Eyes!
Sexual harassment awareness instructor: Now, class, who can tell me what percentage of sexual harassment is intended?
Class: [Silence.]
Sexual harassment awareness instructor: Only 10percent! Ninety percent is unintentional. Now listen, class -- most people aren't doing it intentionally. The majority of people aren't in that 10 percent group. The majority of people are in that 90 percent group.
Class: [Silence.]
Airdustrial Way
Tumwater, Washington
Overheard by: In the 10% group
3PM What Kind of Girl Do You Think I Am?
Male peon eating peanuts, to lady peon: Do you mind if I put my nut dust in your can?
South Carolina
Overheard by: peachy girl
2PM Translation: 'God, I'm So Lonely!'
IT slave: I returned the config to default, but the site still doesn't work. Must be something else.
Developer: Nuke the site from orbit?
IT slave: Did that, too, but it turns out the queen alien was still clinging to the belly of the drop ship.
411 1st Avenue South
Seattle, Washington
1PM Less Water
Male peon speaking slowly on phone: I think I am suffering from dehydration. It's so hot. I can't handle this. I need to see the doctor. I've been drinking water. Lots of water. And whiskey. Is there something I need to do different?
616 Court Street
Oberlin, Louisiana
Overheard by: Vicky
12PM What about Pineapples?
Employee #1: Alright, so I could say, 'One thousand, one hundred twenty-five -- the average number of apples on a tree.'
Employee #2: Hey, wait, no -- that's not right. It's too many.
Employee #1: Well, can you prove it? You would have to count every apple on every tree in the world.
Employee #2: No, I'd just count out of a hundred apple trees and get an average from that.
Employee #1: But that'd be an incomplete average, and I said 'every tree,' so you'd have to count, like, pine trees and...
Employee #2: There are no apples on pine trees!
Mapleview Drive
Barrie, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: fellow bewildered worker-bee
11AM Tonight's Special is Medallions of Flaming Liberal on Toast Points
Bimbette: I'm not a flaming liberal. I think you should be able to kill any animal you want... and eat it, too!
135 Baltimore Street
Hanover, Pennsylvania
10AM Talk to the Administrator
Photographer: Anyone have a top hat in the building? How about a riding crop? If you do, please let me know. I won't tell anyone.
508 Young Street
Dallas, Texas
9AM Everybody Feels That Way about Dr. Phil
Peon: I don't know... It just seems like kind of a waste of Jell-O.
1 Athenaeum Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
5PM Wolverine Has Trouble Connecting with Non-Mutants
Manager #1: I don't understand why they didn't process these taxes... Hey, do you ever find your fingers swell and contract, like, every day? A lot?
Manager #2: No.
277 Front Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM She Prefers "Slut Trousers"
Female personnel supervisor: How's it goin', sexy britches?
Female employee, staring before laughing: They're just jeans...
Female personnel supervisor: You better not report me to HR for that.
Female employee: Only if you promise to never combine those two words again. Ever.
Research Boulevard
Maryland
Overheard by: Baggy Trousers
3PM It Happens in Every Hostile Takeover
CEO discussing a potential partner: I think they're more pregnant with us than they'd care to admit.
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia
2PM "U" as in "Not Me"...
Tech support: May I have your name, ma'am?
Customer: Erin Quincey*.
Tech support: And how do you spell that?
Customer: Q, as in 'cute'...
6615 Ayala Avenue
Makati City
Philippines
1PM They Don't Get Tender All by Themselves
Female go-getter: Well, I just went ahead and did it since you guys were just sitting on your loins.
3201 West Commercial Boulevard
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: you really are disgusting
12PM Those Who Can't Do, Teach
Boss's 80-year-old dad: I don't think I am going to keep my realtor's license.
Boss's 80-year-old mom: Okay... Then what are you going to do?
Boss's 80-year-old dad: I'll become a sex therapist!
126 York Street
Elmhurst, Illinois
Overheard by: Joanie
11AM Slightly More Than Schindler's List
Office lady #1: Should I rent Transamerica? I heard it was a comedy. I'm worried about handling the whole sex change thing. How can that be funny?
Office lady #2: I recommend it, but it's about a personal journey -- it's not a comedy.
Office lady #1: Is it funny?
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
10AM It's the Latest Craze
Asian employee: Why is everyone Asian?!
Chinatown
New York, New York
Overheard by: Murray
9AM Should We Ask Him to Bring Us Down a Donut?
Peon #1: Who's that old guy walking around?
Peon #2: Hopefully it's Death and he's going upstairs for Larry*.
Amherst, Ohio
5PM Hurricane Katrina Led the Caller to Believe Otherwise
Electronics employee on phone: You're supposed to call 911 in case of emergencies, not Wal-Mart.
Wal-Mart Supercenter
Oakland, California
Overheard by: Mike
4PM An Untapped Market If Ever I've Seen One
IT guy: So, are you using straight AutoCAD?
Employee: As opposed to the homosexual one?
41 East 11th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: nex0s
3PM It's Russian, and Omigod You Have to Try the Mink Carcass!
Designer: If you want to save money on groceries, go to the ghetto and go to their Safeway. Their prices are cheaper. Or go to their discount grocery store. It's even cheaper, but most of the signs are in Spanish or some other language I don't speak. And you can find some of the weirdest food!
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
2PM The Hazards of the Octopus Calendar
Female supervisor: Ewww!
CCR: What?
Female supervisor: I was trying to find January, and I got ink all over me!
1 Ivybrook Boulevard
Ivyland, Pennsylvania
1PM At the TMI Olympics
Uber-friendly coworker: Do you ever find that your asshole hurts after you sneeze?
101st Street and Jasper Avenue
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
12PM When Your Computer-Repair Manual Is Double, Double Toil and Troubleshooting
Cube dweller: Bring the orange juice and champagne to a boil, and then you just slip the fish in...
Chantilly, Virginia
11AM And Next Time, Don't Leave Your Science Fair Projects to the Last Minute
Cube rat on phone: Well, spray Garrett*, have him walk around for a while, and see if he comes back smelling the same.
Highway 69 South
Monroe, Wisconsin
10AM ... Gorgeous Food-Carrier Lady
Biotechy waitress: It is really nice having dishwasher boy here.
Polite waitress: He has a name! His name is Rick*!
Biotechy waitress, to Rick: Do you mind if I call you 'dishwasher boy'?
Dishwasher boy: No! It means I have a job title!
931 Redd Road
El Paso, Texas
9AM Whatever, Mister "I Believe in Santa"
Stylist: Do you like your haircut, buddy?
Little boy: [Silence.]
Stylist: Do you know who would like your haircut? SpongeBob.
Little boy: ... I'm not stupid.
Barbershop
Noblesville, Indiana
5PM He's the Best Lower Body Surgeon in the State
Boss on phone: Yeah, you're a client, but if you don't pay your bills, you're only half a client... And not the half I want.
473 Central Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: web edit monkey
4PM Do You Really Think Colonel Mustard Would Do That?
Assistant editor: She said she's going to come over and hit you in the head with a pretzel.
1633 Broadway
New York, New York
3PM What the Company Does Instead of Salary Reviews
Worker bee #1: They used to line us up in the middle of the school, make us drop our pants, and paddle us.
Worker bee #2: You can't do that these days because too many people would like it.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: usual suspect
2PM When Will Those Long Nights at the Truckstop Pay Off?
Office girl #1: I have a canker sore.
Office girl #2: Maybe it's herpes.
Office girl #1: No -- I wish.
971 Coley Drive
Mountain Home, Arkansas
Overheard by: data entry girl
1PM Feel Better Now?
Lady worker answering phone: Hi Alex*! ... I knew it was you because this is a 321* area code, and you work in Boston and it wasn't your home number... And if it wasn't you, then I was prepared for your boss to be calling me telling me you fell off a stool, hit your head, and wound up dead on the floor.
Indiana
12PM You Are a Bad Man
Cube rat #1: You've got to be shitting me... My grandma is trying to add me on MySpace.
Cube rat #2: That's sort of sweet.
Cube rat #1: I'm her second friend. I didn't know she knew what a computer was...
Cube rat #2: Dude, pop her comment cherry!
1932 Wildcat Canyon Road
San Diego, California
11AM The Perils of Hiring 12-Year-Olds
Receptionist shouting down hallway: Stop talking about me, Cindy*! I can hear you talking about me!
Cindy: [Keeps talking.]
Receptionist: [Rings Cindy.]
Cindy: Hello?
Receptionist: Stop talking about me -- I can hear you talking about me!
Cindy: Who is this?
Douglas Street
Milton
Australia
Overheard by: Supaflyrocksta
10AM It's Really Not Appropriate to Make Me Hungry This Early in the Day
Male developer #1: Alright, sugar tits.
Male developer #2: If you ever call me 'sugar tits' again, I'm going to rip your nipples off.
Male developer #1: Okay, dumpling butt.
State and Water Streets
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: only girl in an office of men...
9AM A Very Limited Edition Reese's Cup
Chick: Can you pass the penis butter?
Boss: [Silence.]
Chick: Peanut butter. Oh, God.
Cornwall
United Kingdom
Overheard by: monk.e.boy
5PM When Affirmative Action Goes Wrong
Office lady, peering into the copier: Ew, how many white ones did I produce? Oh, good. Not that many.
1819 NW Everett Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Schmoozer
4PM This Is Why There's a Mandatory Retirement Age
65-year-old employee: Sure, I'll get those docs to you later today. Right now I have to run down the hall before I have an accident in my pants.
Aliso Viejo, California
Overheard by: hold it in
3PM By the Time You Figure It Out, You'll Be Retired
Employee #1: It went well. I have to pick some comp-- Compet-- Um...
Employee #2: Competencies?
Employee #1: Yeah! ... What does that mean?
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Not Like When We Swam with the Sharks
Sub-editor: Hi, Ed*!
Designer: Hi, Jack*! I'll try not to cut myself when you're talking to me this time.
Australia
1PM I Still Think Bessie Faked That "Emotional Trauma"
Peon: I'm going to be on a jury! I really hope I get a murder trial, since I'm in the city. When I lived in the country, I had to be on a jury for this guy who hit a cow. I'm like, 'I don't want to sit through this!'
351 West Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Temp-tation
12PM Britain? Really?
Manager, yelling slowly into phone: It's a little wet, but it's wild.
Auckland
New Zealand
11AM From America's Most Underhanded Racial Slurs
Coworker: Nice! That is a large nostril!
1420 5th Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: abbs mcnabbs
10AM Hey, I Had to Listen to the Complete Story of Your Pregnancy
Male coworker: Wait, did I already tell you the scrotum story?
Female coworker: Yes, you did. Thanks for telling me yet again about your nutsack.
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM Sweet! I'm Going Home.
CSR #1: I just want to know what is expected of us!
CSR #2, walking away: What is expected of us is that you suck, and I don't, so there!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
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