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5PM Woody Was Forced to Give Up His Dream of Drunken Chainmail Canoe Wrestling
Worker bee #1: I don't know how good an idea that is in a canoe.
Worker bee #2: What? At worst, they could get you for public intoxication.
Worker bee #1: I'm not worried about the legal ramifications. I'm worried about the drowning ramifications.
9000 Plymouth Avenue North
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM And Then I'll Jump... Weee!
Female coworker #1: Are you going to sign up for a mammogram next week?
Female coworker #2: Yeah, I guess so. Are you?
Female coworker #1: Yep. I just hope they are more gentle than last year.
Female coworker #2: Well, they will have to use a bungee cord to get mine up on that ledge.
5950 Grassy Creek Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: Kelly
3PM But They Said the Panties Are Yours
Employee to coworker wearing under-armor shirt: Lou*, Bally's called. They want their shirt back until you can bench press at least 45 pounds.
Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey
Overheard by: Maureen
2PM If You Steal Other People's Staplers, You Deserve at Least a Coma
Office guy: I mean, I wouldn't wish death on anyone, but if we came back from break and she died... I'd be secretly happy.
Office girl: Yeah. Like, if I had to choose someone in the office to die--
Office guy: --It would be her.
Office girl: Totally.
Office guy: Anyway, have a lovely Christmas!
Office girl: You, too! Happy holidays!
Melbourne
Australia
1PM Would "Macadamia Melee" Have Sounded Less Creepy?
Minion #1: Oh, yeah, I try not to go shopping during the holidays.
Minion #2: You can't avoid it -- the music, the squealing children, everything -- it's like a peppermint orgy.
Assistant, startled: Uh, what?
12th and Peachtree
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Say what?
12PM 'Cause I'm Getting Hungry
Secretary on phone: So, ummm, yeah -- I just wanted to check if your horse still had his boy bits or not...
Perth
Australia
11AM Yeah, He Aimed Her Right at Me
Coworker #1, to coughing coworker: You need the Heimlich?
Coworker #2, sharply: No!
Coworker #1: You remember when Donnie* gave Ellie* the Heimlich and she threw up all over?
55 Water Street
New York, New York
10AM ... And HR Will Reimburse You
Male peon to female peon: Go get yourself a pair of underwear and rent a hotel room if that's what you need...
555 5th Avenue
New York, New York
9AM But You and Grandpa Have Fun, Okay?
Boss: Look, I don't care if you use the loft, but if you get butt-ass freaky, just change the sheets.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
5PM Relax and Try Not to Think about Jessica Simpson Any More
Cube monkey with web problems on phone to IT: Ugh, I can't get it up. Get your ass over here -- I can't get it up!
Bristol
England
Overheard by: Mhlanguli
4PM Don't Worry, Gretel, We'll Just Follow the Smell Back Home
Cube rat: Well, change your diaper and move on. That's what I always say.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM I Am So Suing Myself
Intern #1: That whole team is full of white receivers.
Intern #2: What's wrong with white receivers?
Intern #1: They're slow, man. I hate to be racist, but they are slow.
Intern #2: Yeah...
Intern #1: Hey, can I be racist against my own race?
1555 Pearl Street
Boulder, Colorado
2PM Clear and Yellowish? Sounds Suspicious to Me.
Office girl #1: Where were you yesterday!
Office girl #2: I was sick, sorry.
Office girl #1: Sick with what?
Office girl #2: Head cold... My nose was running really bad.
Office girl #1: Oh, yeah? What color was the snot?
Office girl #2: Ummm... Clear-yellowish-like.
Office girl #1: No infection -- you could have come in!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Why would she answer that??
1PM That's Your Answer to Everything
Programmer: Okay, so he asked us for a digital signature solution to document tracking and approval... Ideas?
Analyst: What if we got a couple midgets, and bought a few Etch A Sketches...?
1932 Wildcat Canyon Road
San Diego, California
12PM And Will It Require Me to Stop Playing Solitaire?
Account executive: We are going to need to traffic that ad out by Friday.
Traffic manager: What does 'traffic' mean?
Birmingham, Alabama
11AM You Should See Me Paddle Myself
Male coworker #1: Oh, come on. You know you wanted to be in a frat.
Male coworker #2: I am a frat of one.
Linden Street
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Ethan Holbrook
10AM Or Is That Just Maryland?
Boss: It smells good in here! What is that? Grape?
Female employee: Uh, no, it's cranberry. Cranberry room spray.
Boss, after long pause: So, did you just fart or something?
4511 Knox Road
College Park, Maryland
9AM It's the Aftermath That's a Real Debacle
Single coworker: I tell ya -- sex with crazy girls is great!
Sierra Vista, Arizona
Overheard by: Damn psychopharmaceuticals...
5PM Wait -- What?
Worker bee: Did somebody clean over here?
Manager: Yeah. Remember that day you took a picture of my butt?
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM Um, It's a Bible
Coworker to another holding book: Go to the vagina page!
Christmas party
Richfield, Minnesota
3PM I Wouldn't Wait
IT guy #1: Yeah, it's my grandmother's one hundredth birthday next March.
IT guy #2: Wow, really?
IT guy #1: Yup. I'm going to send her a strip-o-gram.
7th street and 7th Avenue
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
2PM Are You Unclear on What We Do Here?
Plaintiff: Yo, son, who is you to be judgin' me?
Civil court judge: I am the judge. It's my job to judge you.
Plaintiff: Whatever, yo.
Supreme Court
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: RP
1PM And I Have That Phrase on a Plaque in My Cubicle
Web developer #1: This is going to be ugly, but I'm going to do it anyway.
Web developer #2: That's what she said.
Web developer #1: Even I wasn't expecting that one.
7255 East Hampton Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
12PM Or We Could Just Play Darts on a Photo of Mel Gibson Again
Bimbette news assistant: I'm going to go to Target tonight and find something real Jewish and bring it in... Oooh, maybe I could find a piñata -- a Jewish piñata... With a menorah for a tail.
1401 Shop Road
Columbia, South Carolina
11AM When the Blood-Dimmed Tide Is Loosed
20-ish peon #1: I have to go and see my sister and her new baby.
20-ish peon #2: You'll come back smelling like babies. I love that smell.
20-ish peon #3: They smell like uterus.
Parliament Place
West Perth
Australia
10AM Your Sausages Bite?
Asian boss on phone: Where are you at right now? Oh, Miami?! I hate the mosquitoes there! They bite me like a sausage!
11020 Rush Street
Los Angeles, California
9AM Why Work Holidays Exist
Worker #1: This information she sent me isn't right at all. It says 'GMT,' but there's too many time zones.
Worker #2: GMT is General Mountain Time.
Worker #1: I know that already. I'm going to call her now to show her how wrong she is.
Worker #3: Get off the phone before you make an ass of yourself. Didn't either of you ever hear of Greenwich Mean Time?
Worker #2: I guess we're not as sophisticated as you.
Worker #3: Sophisticated? Most grade schoolers know that.
Worker #1, hanging up phone: You remind me of my ex.
Worker #3: If he had to put up with nonsense like that, I understand why he left.
Worker #1: I left him; he didn't leave me.
Worker #3: Is he grateful for this?
Worker #1: You make me sick.
Worker #3: Was it something I said?
500 West Cummings Park
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Charlise
5PM Until She Went "Peekaboo!"
Office girl #1: She couldn't find my cervix. My cervix!
Office girl #2: You do know everyone can hear you, right?
Office girl #1: No, no, wait -- she found it, she just couldn't see it!
43rd Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Can't We Ever Discuss Religion or Politics?
Legal assistant on phone: I said I don't like talking about MySpace! ... Because it always starts a fight!
1900 Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
3PM Worst. Staff Meeting. Ever.
Office girl: Hey! I haven't seen you in a while, how've you been?
Office guy: Oh, I guess you haven't heard. Half my ear was bit off [turns to show bandaged ear].
Office girl: Oh my god, that's awful! Human or animal?
Office guy: Human.
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM They Will Go on Forever Like This If Not Stopped
Cube guy #1: I'm gonna need your help today getting into the client.
Cube guy #2: Didn't you do what I told you to do yesterday?
Cube guy #1: Oh, yeah. That worked -- I got in from the back end, but I want to get in the front of the box.
Cube guy #2: Well, to get in the front end of the client you need to follow a very different procedure.
Cube guy #1: Right, that's what I need. I'm hoping you could give me a little direction if you've ever done it that way.
Cube guy #2: Sure, that's the way I usually go in.
Internet company
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
1PM When Gay Men Write Action Movie Scripts
Library worker to another: His hair was his Achilles' heel.
441 East Fordham Road, Fordham University's Walsh Library
Bronx, New York
Overheard by: Krisztina
12PM To Summarize Our 86-Page Status Report
Earnest cube rat: If it's ready on time, it will be ready. But if it's not ready on time, then it won't be ready.
14455 North Hayden Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cubey McCuberton
11AM Wait 'til He Discusses "Rectifying" the Situation
Presenter, during company-wide meeting: As this slide demonstrates, the company did it in arrears. [Giggling from the back, and presenter sighs.] Yes, your mom and I did it in arrears. Moving on...
Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Christin
10AM You Can Come If You Want
Lady worker: There's a party in my uterus!
South Park Circle
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Meg
9AM They're Equally Irrelevant to Intellectual Nutrition
Teacher: Do you all know your Roman numerals?
Student: Yeah -- aren't them those noodles you eat?
Rosedale Street
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: MsTchr4678
5PM I Swear, This Has Never Happened to Me Before
Male boss to female receptionist: Don't worry about it. Your finger just got excited, is all.
1120 G Street NW
Washington, DC
4PM How You Know Your Coworker's a Virgin
Younger guy peon: You know, I've never had any experience with ladies from the Pacific Rim.
Older guy peon: Really? Well, lemme tell you something. Their hair down there is dark, straight, and soft.
Younger guy peon, thoughtfully: ... Like a puppy dog's ears?
Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Beef and Ale
3PM Nebraska?
Fashionista: We live in the dumbest world on the planet.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM PETA May Have Gone Too Far This Time
Bimbette coworker: They're gonna skin your mother-in-law and give it to a zebra!
860 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
1PM Or Give Us Little Cuts with Value Rewards Cards
Cashier: Do you have a value rewards card?
Girl: No.
Cashier: Would you like to sign up for a value rewards card?
Girl: No, thank you.
Cashier: Sorry, we have to ask or they take us out back and beat us.
Pentagon City Mall
Arlington, Virginia
12PM You Do?
Manager: I can't do that to the client! Don't you see the cart before the horse here? It's chicken and egg!
VP: Yeah, but if you wanna run with the wolves--
Manager: --It's lying down with dogs and getting up with fleas!
VP: Yeah, I see your point...
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
11AM Then I Want You to Stay on the Phone with Me 'til He Gets Here
Customer: Can you tell me if the installer is running on time today?
CSR: I have no way of knowing that, sir. Your appointment is scheduled between twelve and four today. If the installer is not there by four, then you can call back and we can tell you that he is running late.
Enfield, Connecticut
10AM The Air Down There?
Boss: I would totally be in a movie about farting!
Lincoln Park
Chicago, Illinois
9AM It's the Core of Who I Am
Office peon #1: Was I talking to you about mint bowls?
Office peon #2: No, but I have had this conversation with many people, many times.
Atlee Station Road
Mechanicsville, Virginia
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