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5PM Whatever For?
Trainer: My wife collects bolts of fabric and weaponry... I collect books, DVDs, and Black Plague memorabilia...
Attendee: Ummm, I collect coins...
Redmond, Washington
Overheard by: Bored in Training
4PM Just When You Thought It Would Be Dull to Live in Texas
Reporter on phone: On that naked guy story, was that 18-wheeler his? ... Is he out of jail yet? ... He was slippery?
Beaumont, Texas
3PM Why Grant Took Richmond, but Then Gave It Back
Worker bee: Oh, this is an ear. I thought it was something else.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: usual suspect
2PM That, and the Floral Mumus
Lady peon looking at clothing ad from '70s: The sad thing is, how many people in this died from AIDS?
6000 Southport Road
Portage, Indiana
Overheard by: Justin Russo
1PM Anyone Else Just Have a Startling Realization about the Energizer Bunny?
Order entry lady: It's like they're chasing each other around the apartment!
Shipping manager: Maybe they are.
Order entry lady: Well, he's a little [whispers] fag. So, you know...
Shipping manager: Oh, yeah! Them people stay up all night! They got extra energy!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM Time to Stop Having Dinner at Mel Gibson's House
Jewish manager: I got your e-mail about XYZ Spring Company* not being able to make that spring.
Office girl: Yeah, those dirty-- Ugh!
Jewish manager: It's okay, it's okay!
Office girl: They just keep quoting stuff, and when I give them an order they decide they can't do it because they are little pieces--! Ugh! Never mind!
Jewish manager: Are you okay?
Office girl: Yeah... I'm just trying to be Christian today.
Jewish manager: ... Good for you. [Walks away.]
Office girl, from a distance: I need to say more things in my head. I think I'm fired now.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM I Look Forward to Your Sermon This Sunday
UPS guy: Wow. Don't you look fancy today!
Man in office: Nah, these are actually my stripping clothes.
UPS guy: Oh, really? The ladies must love that.
Man in office: Yeah, they have a Velcro crotch. It's pretty awesome.
UPS guy: Whelp, see you later.
1160 Pioneer Road
Salt Lake City, Utah
10AM ... Than Having Him in the Oval Office for the Past Eight Years
Lawyer: If he was downstairs in the Girl Scout's uniform, that would've been even better.
43rd Street and Madison Avenue
New York, New York
9AM The Snatch Catch?
Female peon: Did you cock-block me last night?
Supervisor: No, I don't think so.
Male peon #1: Wait -- is there a female equivalent to the cock-block?
Male peon #2, after long pause: Vag glue?
East 57th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Chris J.
5PM ... Are Fired
Director, during brainstorming session: You and your colon!
3912 North 29th Avenue
Hollywood, Florida
Overheard by: George
4PM Well Ms. Lohan Can Afford It
Suit, about lady smoking crack on stoop: Isn't she a little dressed up for a crackwhore?
3008 Lincoln Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Not smoking any
3PM A Clear Violation of Alaska Law
Coworker #1: Tuesday through Friday, and then Monday and Tuesday The Simpsons Movie is playing at the [nearby theater].
Coworker #2: Didn't you see it already and say that it sucked?
Coworker #1: Yes, but I was sober.
Library
Anchorage, Alaska
2PM Mrs. Fields Has Her Fingers in a Lot of Pies
Sweet-looking old lady on phone: What's the word on the street? Yeah, that little girl will do just fine... I told her it doesn't hurt. Well, if you get a good client, it doesn't hurt... Well, I've got twenty... Great, bye!
University
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Terrified Co-Worker
1PM I Don't Know Why I Married Him in the First Place
Accounting clerk: I like this vibrator, but he won't stand up straight.
Mebane, North Carolina
Overheard by: Making accounting more fun
12PM I Haven't Received Any Complaint Messages
Coworker #1, to editor: Do you know where the call-in phone number on the back of XYZ Publication* goes to?
Coworker #2: I have no idea.
Coworker #1: Well, [boss] called the other day and asked where it went to. I called it just now, and it answers with the voice of Dana*, but she hasn't worked here in seven months!
Coworker #2, looking at Dana's empty desk area: I guess that it just goes to her phone, and whoever gets that extension will get all of the messages.
Coworker #1: So it doesn't matter to you that readers might be calling in and leaving messages that are not being returned?
Coworker #2: No.
45 Leveroni Court
Novato, California
11AM You Have to Go to Metaphor School before You Can Be a Manager
Manager #1: My roommate is acting a little off.
Manager #2: What do you mean?
Manager #1: It's like her elevator doesn't go to the top anymore.
Staff: You have an elevator in your house?
Sonoma, California
10AM ... In a Cardboard Box Labeled "Sports Equipment"
40-ish cube dweller #1: Hey, do you have a Star Trek costume I can borrow?
40-ish cube dweller #2: Why are you asking me? Why didn't you ask Kevin*? What makes you think that I have one?
40-ish cube dweller #1: Well, do you?
40-ish cube dweller #2: Yes. [Very long pause.] But only the shirt. It's a blue one like Spock wore. I also have the tricorder and the gold sash from the 'Mirror, Mirror' episode. I'll bring it in tomorrow.
Lexington Street
Baltimore, Maryland
9AM ... Greg.
Shouting man on cell: Titty-fucking is sex, honey! You promised!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM That Flogger Really Brings Out Your Eyes
Teacher: If you wish to have a discussion, raise your hand and I will call on you if you are worthy enough.
Student: I love you?
140 Brandies Road
Newton, Massachusetts
4PM Dude, She Wants You to Ask Why -- Don't Do It
Female worker bee: Next time I make popcorn, I'm putting it in my pants.
Columbus Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM No, No, Wait -- a Parking Meter!
Biology teacher: So, in conclusion, diffusion is ions separating from an area of high concentration to an area of low concentration.
15-year-old blonde: So it's like an orange, right?
High school
Cherry Hill, New Jersey
Overheard by: jess
2PM At the Bad Pick-Up Line Quarterfinals
Client: There are a lot of things you can eat that aren't food.
Photo studio
Culver City, California
1PM And I Thought I'd Erased Your Memory of That Incident
Owner: So, Gary*, did you ever tell Lou* that he could not get a check for any steel order we needed?
Gary: No, no, no, I have never done that.
Lou: What about last week?
Gary: Well, we didn't have any money then.
Provo, Utah
Overheard by: Poking my eyes out
12PM ... Speaking of Crap.
20-ish woman peon #1: So, I started my cleanse this week--
20-ish woman peon #2: --Wait, are we talking about poop again? Why are we always talking about poop? Aren't we a little young for this? [Others stare blankly.] Well, I am strangely comfortable with it. [Others keep staring, so #2 leaves, griping] I hate Oprah.
44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
11AM And Be Miserable?
President: Thank you for coming to our annual Christmas party. Where do you work?
New guy's new girl: I'm in private wealth management.
President: You seem very nice. Can I give you one piece of advice?
New guy's new girl: Sure.
President: Don't wait too long to get married and have kids.
1 Cranberry Hill
Lexington, Massachusetts
10AM You Thinking What I'm Thinking?
Lady peon: Argh! John* is so retarded!
Male peon: You say that about everyone. According to you, we could get a tax break with all the mentally handicapped people we employ...
Speer Boulevard and Zuni Avenue
Denver, Colorado
9AM ... While Janelle Gets a Towel for Her Chair
Trainer: Let's go around and have each of us tell the class some juicy, private thing about ourselves that the rest of us might not know.
Trainee: I don't want to tell anything about my juicy privates... Uh, juicy... Um... Anything private.
Trainer: ... Okay... Next?
810 3rd Avenue
Seattle, Washington
5PM When They're in the Litter Box, It's Payback Time!
Middle-aged cashier to customer: Sometimes, when I'm on the toilet pooping, my cats come in and bite my feet!
Plymouth, Michigan
4PM Sounds Peachy, Ed.
Office manager: I wonder if I should bleach my snatch.
3301 Mulford Road
Rockford, Illinois
Overheard by: broodingsoul
3PM It Helps That He's a Golden Retriever
Lady peon: I really want to fuck him, but I can't. I'm trying to be monogamous in my non-relationship relationship.
Club restroom
Anchorage, Alaska
2PM Good to See the Propellor Beanie Making a Comeback
Office peon: So, that guy with the little hat on -- he's the president?
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM For the Last Time, Attending to Your Cuticles Isn't Your "Job"
Receptionist: Ugh! I don't understand how I can do my job when the phone keeps ringing!
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: doing her job
12PM But She's All, "I'm Three Years Old, Daddy!"
Boss: I need her strapped to her desk with a phone in her ear at all times... I need her making money.
41 East 11th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
11AM But Apparently Mom Needed That Medicine to Breathe...
IT girl on phone: ... So when she sent that e-mail saying 'ASAP,' I waited 'til five PM, just to be hateful.
4801 Main Street
Kansas City, Missouri
10AM It's All the Asparagus I Eat
Cube rat #1: You want a squirt of this stuff?
Cube rat #2: Sure, I'd like a squirt of your stuff.
Cube rat #1: I just love the ways this stuff smells.
Cube rat #2: And it feels great, also!
Slokie, Illinois
Overheard by: Electrical Estimator
9AM Why Do You Wheeze While Asking Me That?
Coworker #1: ... Kind of scary. I just don't know how I feel about that.
Coworker #2: It's not a big deal. It's a game. It's fun.
Coworker #1: Oh... So, wait -- do they eat the dreidel?
West 58th Street
New York, New York
5PM And Apologies in Advance to Tom, Dick, and Harry
Manager, during meeting: ... And we just don't want any Joe Schmoe helping people on the phone... No offense, Joe.
Joe, phone answerer: Mmm.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Celebratious
4PM Out of What?
Junior art director: I have 44 minutes to make a baby.
303 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: wha?
3PM We're Right on Top of That, Senator
Coworker on cell: So, my friend was like, 'Dude, they might not let you get on a plane...' So how do I found out if there's a warrant out for my arrest?
28 East 28th Street
New York, New York
2PM So Why Has It Made Britney So Miserable?
Sweet-natured office chick: I'm starting to realize I'm just a selfish little bitch, and now I'm much, much happier!
Centre Street
New York, New York
1PM She's Moving Very Fast
Office guy #1: Look! There goes the cocaine lady! You should try to catch her!
Office guy #2: Damn, she's gone! Maybe next time.
Clackamas, Oregon
Overheard by: Stephanie
12PM Because Now I Have to Go See
Manager: I was walking my dog this morning when I felt a pain in a very private place, so I ran inside my house and pulled my pants down in my living room, and a fire ant had bitten me on my you-know-what!
Employee: Ouch?
Manager: It really itches. I keep going to the bathroom and pulling down my pants and looking at it and touching it, but I'm scared to put any medicine on my private place.
Employee: Oh. That is a problem.
Manager: I know. Oh, I'm itching again, I'll be right back. [Goes to the restroom.]
Employee, to coworker: I'm picturing her 50-year-old, ant-bitten vagina right now, and I want to stab myself to get that image out of my head.
Sandwich shop
South Carolina
11AM Relax -- Clearly Not about You
Coworker #1, writing a vacuum product description: Does 'extra long' have a hyphen in it?
Coworker #2: Dude, are you writing spam?
58th Street and 1st Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
10AM When the Boss Is Happy, We Can All Relax
Boss, quietly singing: I'm a chubby little monkey, monkey, monkey -- I'm a chubby little monkey...
Harris Street
Pyrmont
Australia
Overheard by: i am too!
9AM A Description Best Reserved for Martha Stewart
Black woman, before an interview: I'll let you do the talkin', 'cause you're a code cracker.
White dude: ... What?!
Black woman: You know -- you can read between the lines and figure out if she's telling the truth.
White dude: I thought you just called me a 'cold crackah'!
SW Grapevine Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: The real cold cracker
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