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5PM I Keep Voting Them into Office
Cube dweller on phone: I have this thing with gaping voids...
1700 Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland
4PM Is That Supposed to Make Me Feel Better?
Redhead peon: I think I'm getting a migraine.
Blonde peon: Well, like... At least your butt's not peeling!
44135 5 Mile Road
Plymouth, Michigan
3PM ... And Could You Say That Again, into This Recorder?
CFO: Well, don't you look dolled up today! What is the occasion?
Payroll: It's the first day of my sexual harassment litigation...
Kirkland, Washington
Overheard by: oops
2PM But That Was Just with Money.
Supervisor: Good job!
Needy peon: Really?
Supervisor: Yes, of course! Why don't you ever believe me?
Needy peon: 'Cause last week I said, 'I trust you,' and you said, 'Oh, God, don't do that!'
Supervisor: Oh, yeah...
Louisville, Kentucky
1PM What? It Worked for Davy Crockett
Female coworker: First, let me choke a bear...
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
12PM Roger Decides to Have a Protein Shake at His Desk
Male cube rat: What are we doing for lunch? I'm craving meat.
Female cube rat #1, grinning: What kind of meat?
Male cube rat: Hmmm... A big, juicy steak, with a side of fried chicken.
Female cube rat #2: How about a Reuben sandwich?
Male cube rat: No, no, I don't want female meat -- I want man meat!
All within earshot: Reeeally?!
Male cube rat: Awww, crap.
2916 21st Street NE
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Neverlivingitdown
11AM You Know, Killing All Those Spades
Boss, holding meeting: So, you want to handle this thing?
Female employee: No.
Boss: What's the matter? You can't handle Harlem at night?
Female employee: No.
Boss: Faggot.
Queer employee: I'm surprised you used that word.
Boss: What? 'Faggot'?
Queer employee: Yes.
Boss: Obviously I don't think she's gay. I said 'faggot' in the sense of, you know, a sissy. No guts.
Drama queen employee: Besides, you faggots call each other 'faggot' all the time. I know you do.
Queer employee: I guess.
Boss: Glad we settled that. [To female employee] Now... I expect you to take your sissy ass to Harlem and take care of this thing.
Law firm
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
10AM Wasn't There a Rule about Only Making New Rules on Even-Numbered Days?
Mailroom girl #1: Ugh! No speaking in French while I'm counting mail!
Mailroom girl #2: Sweet Jesus, every day there's a new rule!
Ft. Lowell and Alvernon
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: dances with wolverines
9AM Sacrilicious!
Tech, watching movie trailer online: Man, that's delicious. It's like drinking Jesus's sperm.
Hyde Park
Austin, Texas
5PM As Long As It Doesn't Cut into Our Coke-Snorting Time
Suit #1: So, where are we going?
Suit #2: Does it matter? We're going there.
Suit #1: I don't care about the food, I just want to know I can get a drink.
Suit #2: It's a lunch place, but yeah, it has a bar.
Suit #1: Good.
Suit #2: Is that all you're going to do for the next two weeks? Drink during lunch?
Suit #1: Mmm-hmmm.
Suit #2: Oh... I guess that's okay.
485 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
4PM You'll Look Just Like Justin Timberlake
Drone: Just shave your bum fluff off and stick on your face!
Canberra
Australia
3PM And I'd Like the Singing Version of All Three
Resident: What brings you here today?
Patient waiting for mammogram, pap smear, and colonoscopy: I'm here for a mammogram, a twat-o-gram, and an ass-o-gram.
Hospital, 1000 Blythe Boulevard
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Her Kids Get Beaten Up Every School Day
Fashion exec on phone: Did you smell your shorts yet?
Bridgewater, New Jersey
Overheard by: I smelled them too
1PM Could I Have My Head Grafted onto Your Torso?
Annoying female worker: I feel so left out... Can I just move my desk next to yours?
Manager: Absolutely not.
Howard Street
Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: Drone
12PM Damn Those Ninja Shoes
Sales assistant #1: Man, I hate Glen* -- becomes a manager and gets all crazy.
Sales assistant #2: What's he makin' you do?
Sales assistant #1: Sweep the whole service alley! Man, sometimes I just wanna hit that guy. I've been here two years, and he makes me, the head sales assistant, do the crap work.
Sales assistant #2: [Stares.]
Sales assistant #1: He's right behind me, isn't he?
Sales assistant #2: Yup.
3709 East Central Texas Expressway
Killeen, Texas
11AM All Right, All Right, I'll Like It.
Assistant on phone with sales rep: Allen*, what was going on with that part for Darin*?
Allen: It'll be in here in the morning. I'm going to drive it down there, and I'm probably going to have to blow him, but I won't like it!
Assistant on phone: He said they'll... Wait... What did you say, Allen?!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Like You Haven't Wondered What Happened to Her?
Worker bee: Is that Phylicia Rashad on top of our tree?
Fairfax, Virginia
9AM Until I Woke Up Topless on the Jungle Gym with the Kids Staring at Me
Assistant, about the company holiday party: Shit, I didn't even know where I was! I had the best time!
Beverly Boulevard and Fairfax Avenue
West Hollywood, California
5PM Jeez, They're Not Lawnmowers, Okay?
Coworker: Maybe when my first cat dies from misuse...
209 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
4PM Of Course, Now I'll Have to Sue Him
CSR: Stan* filled my pipeline with so much hardware it made my whole third quarter.
Hilton Head, South Carolina
3PM It's More Humane to Act Like a Jerk Until They Break Up with Me
Dispatcher, deciding whether to continue an affair: I'm not very good at, like, breaking hearts, y'know?
Seattle, Washington
2PM I Had a Very Progressive High School Biology Teacher
Cube monkey #1: It's not like there are a lot of straight people at this office to sleep with.
Cube monkey #2: You could sleep with the IT guy -- Harold*.
Cube monkey #1: Ew, he's a whore. I don't want to get crotch rot.
Cube monkey #2: What on earth is crotch rot? I've never heard of that.
Cube monkey #3: Not only have I heard of it, I have smelled it!
731 Pilot Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Anna
1PM As It States Clearly on My Medical Alert Bracelet
Lab tech, during fire evacuation: Paul*, get out of the shade. It's not in the safety zone.
Paul: But I'm fat. I can't stand in the sun.
650 Cathill Road
Sellersville, Pennsylvania
12PM Regardless, Could You Put Yours On?
Coworker: Wow, you have a totally different view of the world when you're wearing pants...
Boulder, Colorado
11AM Though He Has Been Tallying the Days in Crayon on His Crib Wall
Worker #1: How's everything with the baby?
Worker #2: He seems to be pleased with his accommodations. At least he hasn't complained verbally.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
10AM And I Don't Want to Be Distracted by the Hypnotic Movement of Your Fat
Fat male boss: So, how are you feeling these days?
Slim, seven-months-pregnant admin assistant: Pretty good, but my back is starting to hurt a little from the 17 pounds I've gained.
Fat male boss: You know, you're going to want to watch that. That weight isn't easy to take off once you've put it on.
Zeeland, Michigan
Overheard by: So glad I no longer work for him
9AM Buddha: There Is a Way, but You Won't Like It
Frustrated coworker: This karma thing has got to stop!
Husargatan 3 Uppsala
Sweden
5PM President Bush Defines "Democracy"
Office grunt on phone: I absolutely agree... with myself!
1 Howard Street
Burlington, Vermont
4PM ... She Was Telling Me a Pointless Story.
Eager peon: Did I tell you I had a dream about Whoopi? It's so funny, because -- and you'll find this funny -- it's so weird, I promise you. I had this dream with Whoopi, I guess because she's on The View now, and I had this the weekend before she was on The View, and I had this dream that it was just me and Whoopi and we were all alone--
Coworker, interrupting: --I had a dream about your mom.
Bank
Atlanta, Georgia
3PM ... Is What I Say to My Wife in Bed
Manager: If you want to get in on the Vulcan mind meld, you gotta come over here and chug some of this maple syrup.
650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
2PM Who Hasn't Felt That Way about Dr. Phil?
Cube monkey, looking at silly string: Aw, fuck it, let's just piss on him!
29305 Orchard Lake Road
Farmington Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: Ron
1PM If You Wanna Be Ignorant All Your Life.
Phone support girl: You see where it says 'Title' at the top? Just fill that in.
Client on other line: What do you mean 'title'?
Phone support girl: You know... Like president, accounts receivable or payable... Whatever your title in your office is.
Client on other line: Can't I just put biotch?
Phone support girl: ... I guess if you wanted to...
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Only If You Give a Shit
QA guy #1: So, there's a bunch of shit going down with the shit. I was going to try and finish that shit, but then all of this shit came up. Can't they get the shit to work? I mean, get your fucking shit together. You know what I mean?
QA guy #2: I do. I totally do, man. It's worrisome.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
11AM I Had to Bite My Tongue Bloody, Though
Coworker #1: She keeps sending me e-mails from home, wanting me to do all this shit that can totally wait until she gets back in the office... She's supposed to be on vacation, for Christ's sake!
Coworker #2: So just tell her to back off!
Coworker #1: Nah... I e-mailed her and told her she should be using this time to relax and recharge, and that we would tackle this stuff once she's back in the office and refreshed from vacation.
Coworker #2: Wow... That's the most eloquent 'Fuck you' I've ever heard!
Carruthers Parkway
Franklin, Tennessee
Overheard by: quite impressed
10AM Chewbacca's Agent Finally Snaps
Worker bee: Your poor interpersonal communication skills are not my fault. They are my problem, because I have to deal with you, but they are not my fault.
519 Westport Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: DeadEyeDusty
9AM And Gently Style It
Female patron in upscale salon: My friends do everything their stylist says to. I'm like, 'Grow a set, already'!
Springfield, Virginia
Overheard by: James
5PM This Is My Concerned Face.
Lady suit: Well, if she is suicidal, she shouldn't be traveling alone...
Male suit, staring into distance: Mmm-hmmm.
Lady suit: ... Or drinking alone...
Male suit, staring into distance: Mmm-hmmm.
Penn Station
New York, New York
Overheard by: passerby
4PM Then I'll Get Promoted for Sure!
Manager: I'll just talk a lot... but not really say anything.
5800 South Quebec Street
Greenwood Village, Colorado
Overheard by: leedle
3PM I'm Pretty Sure That's Illegal in Utah
Experienced stock broker: It's not a butterfly spread, it's a condor spread. Although, I'm not sure why it's called that -- the eagle is a more common big bird, so it should be an eagle sprea-- Oh.
Salt Lake City, Utah
2PM Could Be Worse. Could Be Foot Skin.
Male worker #1, pointing at desk: What is that?
Male worker #2: I don't know.
Male worker #1: It looks like a booger, and it's not mine!
Male worker #2: How do you know it's not yours? It's on your desk!
Male worker #1: Because I eat mine.
Male worker #2: Oh, God...
1574 South West Temple
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Shaun
1PM ... How Many of You Believe I Am a Douchebag?
Conference call leader: Okay, so, by a show of hands...
40th Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
12PM Which Has Officially Been Changed to "Hey There Delilah"
Blonde peon: Oooh, this song is so pretty! I love it.
Male coworker: What, the 'Star-Spangled Banner'?
Blonde peon: No, the national anthem.
9055 East Mineral Circle
Centennial, Colorado
Overheard by: Aaron M Gomez
11AM By Virtue of Entertainment Not Provided
Suit #1: You can't deny that Bryant Gumbel is an entertainer.
Suit #2: Yes, you can.
77 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts
10AM Remember Our Talk about "In Work" and "Out Of Work" Conversations?
President, referring to company's succession plan: I just want to hold out until it gets turned over to you guys. I want to see you guys take it.
Assistant: You see us take it every day.
Rodeo Park Drive
Santa Fe, New Mexico
9AM The Way Ugly Ideas Come Out of Missouri
Male coworker: So,what's new?
Female coworker, surfing the net: I don't know... Britney Spears had her kids taken away.
Male coworker: I heard about that.
Female coworker: They're not very cute, anyway.
Male coworker: It's because she has an ugly puss.
Female coworker: What?!
Male coworker: Women with ugly vaginas have ugly babies.
East Evergreen Street
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Sarah
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