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5PM Chicken on a Plane Was a Disappointing Sequel
Consultant on phone: No, Sandy*, you are not allowed to take your pet chicken on the domestic flights.
Other line: [Muffled yelling.]
Consultant: Sandy, I have already told you -- even if it is in a cage, we do not allow pets in the cabin. Only guide dogs or police dogs. You will have to send it as cargo. [Other line hangs up.] Good God! Who the fuck wants to take a chicken away for summer vacation with them?!
Auckland
New Zealand
4PM The Perfect Time to Tell Him It's Not His Baby
Pregnant customer: Why didn't you tell me I had a zit under my nose?! I'm so freakin' embarrassed.
Husband: You need to be worried about that mustache, not that zit.
North Point Mall
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: wannabmilf
3PM If I Don't Give You the Visual, You'll Never Learn
Cube guy #1: Wow, that girl with Tina* is hot. Who is she?
Cube guy #2: That's her daughter.
Cube guy #1: Damn, man! Why isn't she my daughter?
Cube guy #2: What does that mean?
Cube guy #1: I dunno. I meant--
Cube guy #2: --Dude, that means you'd have to sleep with--
Cube guy #1: --I know, I know, I'm sorry! Messed up... You didn't have to give me the visual.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
2PM And Leap Weeks
Bimbette: Twenty days -- that's, like, five weeks, right?
Patient peon: No.
Bimbette: I mean, business days.
Patient peon: ... No.
Mercer Street
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: choking on giggles
1PM How Do You Expect Me to Work in Conditions Like This?
Annoying peon: Can you get on the internet? [To a second peon] Can you get on the Internet? [Shouts down hall] Can anyone get on the Internet?! Nothing will come up! I can't even get my usual porn sites to come up!
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM Ah, Now I Remember. "You're Fired."
New HR clerk: Hey, I forgot what I just said. What did I just say?
Old HR clerk: Sorry, but I'm still busy trying to remember your name.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
11AM ... Or the Government Wouldn't Put Mind-Control Chemicals in Our Water
Manager in motivational meeting: Just try brainwashing yourself sometime. There is nothing wrong with being brainwashed.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: the other admin
10AM ... Into Your Socks
Boss #1: Did you have enough to eat today?
Boss #2: No.
Boss #1: I can tell -- you tucked in your shirt.
Kapiolani Boulevard
Honolulu, Hawaii
9AM And I Was Too Busy Listening to the Voices to Really Watch It
Peon: I've never seen a real-life fire before... Except for the one I started when I was in college.
40th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Whatever
5PM Sadly, the Answer to "Where's the Bathroom?"
Consultant giving directions over phone: Yeah, it's like an hour away. An hour and a half at the most. Actually, it could be more like two hours... Or two and a half. Probably more like three. About four, I'd say.
Queen Street
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
4PM The Most Racy Thing an Engineer Has Ever Said
Engineer #1: Can I borrow these probes?
Engineer #2: Are you going to bring them back?
Engineer #1: Yeah, sure.
Engineer #2: Probes never come back. There's like a probe-hole somewhere. Like the same place socks go in the laundry.
Engineer #1: ... Did you just say 'probe-hole'?
Engineer #2: Ummm... Yes.
Rochester, New York
3PM The Year the Death Camps Came to Western Pennsylvania
Owner, to worker bee: I was told it was a good idea, so I thought it was a good idea.
Music store
Western Pennsylvania
Overheard by: tyronepower
2PM If It's on Wiki, It Has to Be True
Lead animator: Did you know Thomas Edison's last creation was a wax phonograph cylinder rendered from his own fat?
Las Cruces, New Mexico
1PM Your Grandma Always Was a Character
Policewoman: Right. So then I had to search her, and I found a crack pipe shoved somewhere that a crack pipe should never be shoved. So I entered it in the log, and then I threw it into the garbage. Then she said, 'No, you can't throw it out. That's my best one! I'll never get another one like it!'
Mother: Oh my god, honey, how nasty! I don't like you working in situations like this.
Policewoman: Well, but my point is this: of course she'll get it back. Soon as I release her, she'll just go digging in the trash and find it, and shove it right back where I found it.
Belmont Avenue and Sheridan Road
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Or It's Turned On but Has an Alleged "Headache"
IT guy, on computer settings: If it isn't turned on, then it's probably turned off.
California
Overheard by: The breakroom
11AM How to Murder Your Step-Father, Cross Dress, or Outsmart Woodland Nymphs -- That We Can Do.
Box office manager: Sir, this is the Chicago Shakespeare Theater. I can't tell you how to fix your microwave.
800 East Grand Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Why Professors Drink.
Professor: So, what did you think of the reading?
Student: Well, when I read the first part, I was like, 'Dang!'
Professor: Um...
Student: And when I read the last part, I was like, 'Dang! I mean, dang!'
University of North Texas
Denton, Texas
9AM Though Not Quite Up to Golden Girl Standards
Boss: Man, there were some fine cougars in there! I mean, this one woman -- she had gray hair, but she was, like, hot! I mean, like Falcon Crest-hot!
Bonner Springs, Kansas
5PM Now I Just Sit on Mine
Old woman at check-in desk: I used to have a lot more sex when I was younger... There weren't any TVs back then.
Main Street
Wolfville, Nova Scotia
Canadia
4PM They Understand That They Need to Use Smaller Words
Intern: I think I need to dye my hair blonde again. People understand me better when I'm blonde.
Charleston, South Carolina
3PM Like This Conversation?
Female peon: Okay, I'm going to Erin's* dinner. See you tomorrow.
Male boss: Do me a favor -- when you see her, squeeze her ass for me.
Female peon: Why don't you squeeze her ass yourself?
Male boss: Are you kidding? That would be sexual harassment.
150 Mineola Boulevard
Mineola, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
2PM Where's Your Mommy, Anyway?
Grunt: I'm sorry. You're going to have to beat your head against the wall somewhere else. I have to get on a conference call now.
390 Benmar Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: I know how you feel
1PM If It's Not in My Day-Timer, It's Not Gonna Happen
Employee #1: I have an emergency at two PM.
Employee #2: That's a very scheduled emergency.
Scottsdale, Arizona
12PM Which One You'd Be Friends with Says a Lot about Who You Are
Big boss at farewell party for employee: I stopped drinking soda a long time ago because I want to stop consuming all those fake sugars.
Young employee: I stopped buying soda along time ago, too, so I can have more money for alcohol.
Broadway and Wall Street
New York, New York
11AM So, "My Face, Ma'am."
Office girl arriving in meeting: Is there anywhere I can sit?
Manager: My face, but I can't say that because I just got out of sensitivity training.
North Hollywood, California
Overheard by: I have a face too
10AM Possibly from Your Verbal Diarrhea
CSR: Do you like my dress? The website called it a muumuu, but I call it a dress. I don't like dresses, but I wanted to wear one today. Did you know I don't like silk dresses? They make me feel naked, and I don't like feeling naked except when I'm naked -- like when I'm naked in the shower... I ordered this dress from a website I found at work, and I got it in a box a week later. I don't think it should have been in a box, because the box could have been damaged and then my dress would have been ruined, because boxes don't protect anything.
Annoyed coworker: Um, you have a stain on your muumuu.
Coralville, Iowa
9AM I Think We Made That Abundantly Clear Today
Sales rep, returning from a meeting: Just because we have brains does not mean we're smart!
State Street
Rockford, Illinois
Overheard by: Summer Intern
5PM Sorry, Everyone -- Sorry!
Worker bee: Well... That's the last time I put fiber powder on my macaroni and cheese.
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
4PM Congratulations: You've Got the Job!
Peon #1: You know what I can't wait to do?
Peon #2: Let me guess -- dip, masturbate, take a shit.
Peon #1: And...?
Peon #2: Drink?
Peon #1: So you are listening.
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: anon
3PM And It's Great for Cracking Open Shellfish
Manager to another: Why don't you take a seat on my commode? It's fur-lined... It's a special otter fur. The poop washes right off.
101 North 2nd Street
Harrisonburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Andréa Cecil
2PM When Bush Is Left Alone in the Oval Office
Manager #1, to temp: So, listen -- you'll be in charge of the department today while we're at an all-staff meeting. But ain't no cameras here, so you can use this space to roller skate while we're gone.
Manager #2: Yeah, or stand on the desk.
Manager #3: Or take a doody.
15th Street
Washington, DC
1PM Likewise.
Office lady #1: It's so cold in here. Oooh! The hair on my arm is sticking up -- I didn't even know I had hair.
Office lady #2: Of course you do! You're a mammal...
Office lady #1: No, I'm Chinese! Oriental!
Male coworker: I have got to write this down.
185 Cambridge Street
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Cathedral Bell Towers, Not So Much
Peon: Ever since I saw The Hunchback of Notre Dame, I've always had a fondness for gypsy women.
1250 Library Street
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: Daniel Gillies
11AM Because People Generally Don't
Cube rat poking head over cube wall: I was just banging you. Did you feel that?
8900 Raintree Drive
Scottsdale, Arizona
10AM Probably Ran Right to His Therapist with That One
20-ish office girl: I am so mad at him! I sent him a Christmas card, but I did not write a note in it.
8th Street
Des Moines, Iowa
9AM Not the Worst Pick-Up Line We've Ever Heard
Lady manager: As far as I'm concerned, if you haven't had a rash, you haven't lived!
Kingswood Fields, Surrey
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Captain Stash
5PM ... And Biting Hard
Project manager: People think I'm a liberal because I'm always going down on George Bush.
Detroit, Michigan
4PM And They Wear These Little Hats to Prevent Alien Mind Control
Lady peon, back from vacation: Yeah, so in Israel they have something called Shabbat every Friday. I think it's a chicken dish.
2701 NW Vaughn Street
Portland, Oregon
3PM According to Our Employee Evaluations
Lady worker leaving meeting: You guys just aren't as skilled as I am in the Porn Names Department.
McDonald's Drive
Oakbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: Brett C
2PM And the Bar's Set Pretty High in Australia
CSR #1, after moving offices: Does the mouse get plugged into the monitor or the computer?
CSR #2: [Stares in disbelief and silence, and then starts laughing.]
CSR #1: I can't believe I just said that. That's the most stupid question I've ever heard!
Perth
Australia
1PM Which Is Why I Had You Read That Book on Smoke Signals
Coworker: Here's the information you wanted.
Boss: I don't want paper -- it'll get lost on my desk.
Coworker: Do you want me to e-mail them to you?
Boss: No! It'll get lost in my inbox.
Coworker: So to get this straight, you don't want the info on paper or e-mail?
Washington
12PM By Whom?
Lady peon on phone: I don't know... That whole Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is overrated.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM I Don't Know -- Is It?
Manager: First thing we do is get back control of petty cash.
HR clerk: Isn't that like closing the barn door after the coke has been snorted?
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
10AM ... And Embellishing It
Employee written up for gossiping: I wasn't gossiping! I was just repeating something that someone else had told me!
Kansas
9AM I'm Like, "What Are You Doing, Mom?"
Worker #1: Every time I kiss her, she tries to stick her tongue in my mouth.
Worker #2: What's wrong with that?
Worker #1: I just don't think it's appropriate. She is married, after all.
Seattle, Washington
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