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5PM I Told You to Stop Taking Shortcuts through the Elementary School
Coworker #1: Yeah, Sue* and I were in the middle of a big drug deal this morning.
Coworker #2: Nice! I walked through a prostitution ring on my way here.
2110 Western Avenue
Seattle, Washington
4PM You Were Voted Least-Valuable Player
Boss, setting down ancient computing equipment: I don't know what's going to happen when I turn this on. Hopefully it won't catch on fire...
Minion: Then why is it on my desk?
Tyco Road
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: Hiding behind the bookshelves
3PM And Guess What -- I'm Just As Employable As You
Housekeeping lady, emptying cubicle garbages: Were you in a training class all week?
Engineer: Yes. It made for a long week.
Housekeeping lady: I swore I would never go back to another class after I graduated high school.
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Lisa
2PM And We're Getting the Most Peculiar E-mails
Boss: I don't know when we became such a mecca for church groups.
1975 Vineville Avenue
Macon, Georgia
1PM You Call Your Mom by Her First Name?
Voice mail, on speakerphone: Hi, you've reached the voice mail of Linda Stevens*. I am away from...
Manager: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you...
Voice mail: [Beeps.]
Manager: Linda! Will you give me a call when you get a chance? Thanks!
175 5th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM FEMA, Is That You?
Engineer: What's the time frame on this? I don't have time for it right now.
Project manager: ASAP, but it can wait for now.
Von Karman Avenue
Irvine, California
11AM Except No Pedophile Would Want Any Kid You'd See in Wal-Mart
Worker #1: They were being mean to her on Facebook.
Worker #2: What's Facebook?
Worker #3: Oh, it's like MySpace.
Worker #2: MySpace... That's like Wal-Mart for pedophiles.
2100 Lakeshore Drive
Birmingham, Alabama
10AM White People and Their Imaginary Problems
Intern: I need to get some sun... so I can get laid. I mean, cancer or celibacy?
Office manager: Cancer!
212 3rd Avenue North
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Sad, but True
9AM The Company Requires Me to Invoke the Snooze-You-Lose Provision
Customer: I didn't realize that I was eligible for this discount!
CSR: Well, we talk about the discount right on the cover letter.
Customer: Well, it's not right on the application!
CSR: We can't put it on the application, but sir, it's right there in the second paragraph of the cover letter.
Customer: But some of us are lazy and don't read the cover letter!
CSR: I'm not trying to be rude, but we can't help it if you don't read what we send you.
181 West Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
5PM Just Accept That Some of Your Colleagues Will Be Scumbags
Male peon in restroom: Hey, I didn't know we had soap in here!
8110 South Harvard Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Icked out female coworker
4PM Psh, Like That Matters
Secretary: Wait, don't you have to be in the military to run for president?
Worker: No. I've taken karate in the past, so I get to skip that step.
Secretary: Oh... But do you really think you'd get enough votes?
5000 South Lewis Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Whoa Now
3PM Be Warned, Dear Reader, There Is a Cumming, Georgia
Secretary: Oh, come on. You can do more than you can do.
Boss: I try... It just won't work.
Cumming, Georgia
2PM I'll Get Back to You Later With Some Followup Questions
Office drone #1, rubbing head: I'm so confused.
Office drone #2: Boys have penises and girls have vaginas.
Office drone #1: Uh, thanks, but that's not what I meant.
Eldridge Parkway and Memorial Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Johnny
1PM ... That Your Coffee Was Poisoned
Boss, during staff meeting: Does anyone have anything to add?
Coworker: Yeah, I just wanted to say that--
Boss: --Man, this coffee tastes weird! [Shrugs and continues drinking.]
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
12PM And Stop Playing with That Gun
Civil engineer: If cigarettes are bad for you, then why are they such big business? You wouldn't be allowed to buy them if they killed you.
Environmental health and safety specialist: Do you ever pay attention to the words that come out of your mouth?
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: intern biologist
11AM Especially If You're Playing Cricket at the Time
Australian guy: Pardon my language, but my last boss was such a cunt.
Intern: I feel like it's more acceptable to say the C-bomb when you have an accent.
Spring Street
Oyster Bay, New York
10AM Did You Need Another Reason Not to Wear Camel Hair?
Man #1: Yeah, sometimes things are just different.
Man #2: Yeah, sometimes I get rug burn on my love handles.
Home office
Bentonville, Arkansas
Overheard by: SamsGuy
9AM Why All Service Industries Should Have Customer Ejector Buttons
Creepster customer: You working hard?
Cute cashier: Yes, sir!
Creepster customer: Well, if you follow me out back, I could find a few ways to work you harder.
Cute cashier: No, thank you, sir.
Creepster customer: Alright, cutie, don't say I never tried to give you anything [pays and leaves].
Cute cashier, dropping the perky act: What a fucking asshole! I hope his dick get an infection and falls off. [New customer walks up, and cute cashier resumes perky act] How are you doing?!
Grocery store
Farmville, North Carolina
5PM Amnesty International Says That's Torture, You Know
Employee: Nah, if he asks me for a ride, I ain't giving it to him. I mean, maybe I will and then I'll turn the radio to the Christian station and blast it and say, 'I'm sorry! It's my vehicle!'
Newport News, Virginia
Overheard by: The Temp
4PM Kidding! Just Kidding, Mrs. Glick!
Employee: I don't want anymore customers to come in.
Manager: I know, me either. [As old lady with walker approaches door] Dammit... I hope she dies before she gets to the door.
Portland, Oregon
3PM Chickens in Guy-Suits Are Much More Common in Politics
Reporter #1: How should I identify a chicken at a press conference? There was a guy in a chicken suit who refused to give me his name.
Reporter #2: If it was a guy in a suit, I think you'd have to call him an 'Unidentified chicken impersonator.'
400 East Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Jack Ace, reporter-at-large
2PM And Why Does It Have Eyes and Hair?
Cube wench: What's this stuff coming out of me?
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Shameless Leprechaun
1PM Under Citizenship, Just Put 'Good'
Auditioning guy: So, what should I put down for 'Citizenship'?
Casting intern #1: Were you born in the United States?
Auditioning guy: Yes.
Casting intern #1: Then put down that you're a U.S. citizen.
Auditioning guy: Does it matter that I moved to Oregon for eight months?
Casting intern #1: Did you really just--
Casting intern #2, cutting him off: --No, it doesn't matter.
MTV dating show auditions
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Liz
12PM Relax -- That's Just Canadian for "Good Morning"
Overworked CSR: Sir, at any point in our conversation today did I provide you with my name?
Customer: No.
Overworked CSR: Good -- fuck you [hangs up].
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
11AM They're Always Taking Supplies and, Like, Using Them for Work
New girl: Why is the door to the file room always locked?
Veteran: Because someone might steal something.
New girl: Who all has a key?
Veteran: Everybody.
Columbia University
New York, New York
10AM Whatever Shall We Do?
Woman #1: Does this copier work?
Woman #2: Yes, but it's not turned on. It will take a while to warm up.
Woman #1: I'm in a hurry, so I guess I'll just go to another office and use theirs.
Woman #2: Why don't you just use our other copier?
Woman #1: It's not working.
Woman #2: Really? I just used it last night.
Woman #1, going to copier: See? It says, 'Paper tray empty. Please load paper.'
425 I Street
Washington, DC
9AM That's Who?
Old hacker: You look like Che Guevara... You don't know who that is, do you?
Young artsie #1, sheepishly: No...
Young artsie #2: Did you see Motorcycle Diaries?
Young artsie #1, excitedly: Yes! [Sadly] But I don't remember it.
Young artsie #2: That's him.
6th and Washington
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Hack Prime
5PM Meet Baltimore's Best Receptionist
Receptionist: I just want to punch you in your eye 'cause you're getting too upset!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
4PM Call Me "Bitch" or Nothing at All
Timid 20-year-old: Excuse me, ma'am...
Sassy 30-year-old: I know you didn't just 'Ma'am' me!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
3PM Good Luck Finding Anybody Else
Coworker packing her stuff as she quits: Jesus will pay my unemployment! I cannot work around you, the wicked!
Park Avenue South
New York, New York
2PM Is That the Code of the West?
Coworker: All the hot guys kill people! Well, at least the black ones.
Pecos and Sunset Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
1PM And Certainly Not to France
Lady peon #1: Chipotle's burritos are, like, so good!
Lady peon #2: Yeah, I know. Carol*, have you ever had one?
Carol: Uh, I've never been out of the country...
5813 South Kenwood Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: wow
12PM Faced with an Employee Like This, Voicemail May Be Your Best Option
Worker bee: I don't have his cell phone, but he's always at his desk... Except when he isn't.
4339 Corporate Center Drive
Las Vegas, Nevada
11AM Which Is Part of the Reason I've Been Fired
Worker bee: It's like he's a totally different person. I'm not sure if it's him or if he's been taken over by aliens. I keep checking him for anal probes.
Denver, Colorado
10AM My Feral Cats Care!
Admin: Well, when you feel better we have to talk. We have to make sure everyone knows that my job is so important.
Manager, sighing: Yes, Terri*, we've had this conversation. It's not good to be so needy or crave so much recognition.
Admin: I have so much to offer! So many people are doing double work!
Manager: Cheer down, girlfriend. No one really cares.
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
9AM Don't People Usually Get Whiter Staying at the Seattle Ritz?
Suit #1: So, I heard they put you up at the Ritz in Seattle!
Suit #2: They did! I stayed there over the weekend. It was so nice...
Suit #1: Gangsta, son, gangsta.
Suit #2: That's how I roll, homie.
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Amused
5PM ... In Kangaroo Court
Lawyer: Does it smell in here?
Secretary: Yeah, it smells like bacon.
Lawyer: It smells like the kind of bacon grasshoppers eat.
Bridgewater, New Jersey
4PM And All Its Dancing Queens
Office grunt: Why the fuck does Stan* have to listen to ABBA all day? God, I hate Sweden.
Hillsboro, Texas
Overheard by: Purchasing Slave
3PM Sometimes You Can Feel All Meaning Evaporating Right Out of Your Head
Secretary: She said she's having trouble with her desktop...
Manager: Her desktop or her laptop?
Secretary: Desktop.
Manager: So the one that sits on the desk, or the one that she can carry around with her?
Secretary: Yes.
Portland, Oregon
2PM Only Their Buffalo, Unfortunately
Shuttle driver: ... So I married a girl from Wyoming.
Customer: Well, at least they shave there.
Hotel
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: confused front desk girl
1PM And Easier Said Than Done, Am I Right?
Boss: So, I decided that when I turn 40 I'm going to not swear as much, and I only have a week left!
Assistant: Yeah, say 'fuck' a lot.
Boss: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... That's my favorite word ever!
Portland, Oregon
12PM I Was Doing a Little Recreational Bleeding into My Brain
Creative director: I'm trying not to push myself today. I kind of had a spinal tap at three A.M.
29th Street
New York, New York
11AM Now Hop on One Foot While I Take Your Wallets
Inspirational speaker: The left side of the brain in charge of your creative process, so when you don't feel inspired, take a deep breath closing your right nostril with your finger so all the air goes only and directly to the left side of your brain...
Audience, while inhaling as told: Wow...
Miami, Florida
10AM Can the Other Driver Sue for Slander? Discuss.
Cabbie yelling out window to guy who cut him off: Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! [Gets out at red light, walks to offender's car, points his butt at and simulates farting on the car, then gets back into cab and yells out window again.] You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee!
Outside White Plains train station
New York
Overheard by: ccampoll
9AM What Passes for Nightlife in Baltimore
Office girl #1: Last night, when I went up on my roof to smoke, I saw the masturbator again.
Office girl #2: I'm coming over!
Eutaw Street
Baltimore, Maryland
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