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5PM I've Already Told You Everything I Know
Man: Is this the Information counter?
Bored worker: Yes.
Man: Can I have some information?
Université de Montréal
Canadia
4PM The Sun? Dude, I Work in a Windowless Prison!
Coworker on phone: You have to go East... How should I know? I don't know East from West!
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
3PM Last Time You Killed a Photo Booth Chick, You Had to Serve Six Whole Months of a Life Sentence
Clerk: I'm sorry, ma'am, but these photos are professional. There's no way I could let you print these without a release form.
Customer, angry: If I didn't just get out of prison, I would through such a fit!
Mother: Just calm down and walk away.
Cleveland, Ohio
2PM Dude, What If He's a Hologram?
Grunt #1: Seriously, dude, what the hell is up with Ahmed's* hair?
Grunt #2: I know what you mean. It's like someone turned up the gamma setting on his head -- like, all the way.
555 West Imperial Highway
Brea, California
Overheard by: Yannibmbr
1PM Fortune Cookies Are Getting More and More Gay-Positive
Queer boss to new female employee: Don't waste your time being a man who has sex with women.
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM The Kind That Doesn't Ignore the Data
Analyst reviewing error report: Working this report requires critical thinking skills.
Department head: What kind of critical thinking skills?
701 Park Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
11AM Much Easier to Swallow Than Madonna
Cashier: Will this be all?
Lady: I also want one Kabbalah. [Cashier looks at her, puzzled.] This dessert [points into case].
Cashier: Baklava, ma'am.
Port of Piraeus Café, 13th Street NW
Washington, DC
10AM Note to Self: Stop Being Creepy
Lady peon: Beautiful day, isn't it?
Male peon: Sure is -- some fine weather here.
Lady peon: I hope it lasts, but I don't know about this weekend -- I've heard it might get cool.
Male peon: Yeah, that must be hard for women.
Lady peon: What?
Male peon: Yeah, it must hard trying to figure out what to wear -- shorts, skorts, capris, pants, skirts. Guys don't have that problem.
Lady peon: Okay. You have a good day.
Geneseo, New York
9AM Superhero Question Man Had Trouble Making Friends
Customer: Hi! Are you a horticulturalist?
Clerk: Yes.
Customer: Were is your washroom?
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Counter Guy
5PM Must... Not... Fire... Best Employee...
Boss: Why does your 'Help' work?
Employee: Because I installed it and set it up correctly.
Boss: Why doesn't Greg's* 'Help' work, then?
Employee: Do you want me to go in there and help him wipe, too?
4500 Research Way
Corvallis, Oregon
4PM And I Was Feeling So Good about the Toilet Training
Production manager: As the wrestler Mr. Perfect used to say, 'It ain't easy being perfect, but somebody's gotta do it!'
Sales guy: Hey, you've got coffee on your shirt.
Production manager, crestfallen: Oh... I guess I'm not perfect, after all...
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
3PM Kind of a Lousy Choice for a Penile Implant, Eh?
Female colleague #1: Isn't it amazing?
Female colleague #2: Oh, come on -- it's made of felt.
Female colleague #1: Exactly...
Munich
Germany
Overheard by: Dapbim
2PM Allow Me to Demonstrate
Manager: What motivates you to do your best job possible?
Interviewee: Well, I don't do anything half-assed... Yeah, I like to put my whole ass into everything I do.
1158 Howard Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Kirsten
1PM Did We Get Married and Nobody Told Me?
Customer: And I want Reese's with that. Not a lot, but more than the normal amount, but not too much.
Ice cream artist: Okay...?
Ice cream place, Champlain Drive and Shepherd Avenue
Fresno, California
Overheard by: Just Another Ice Cream Maker
12PM When the Dimmest Screen in the Office Encounters the Brightest
Branch manager: Your monitor is so bright! I love it! It's got to be the brightest screen in this office!
Sales guy: Uhhh...
Branch manager: It's like a hospital computer or something! It's that bright!
Sales guy: ... Well, I was out sick last week...
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM I'd Almost Rather Go with Extensions
Suburban housewife: So, then she explained to me what a Brazilian wax was, and I was like, 'I don't know...'
Salon
Dunwoody, Georgia
Overheard by: Ang
10AM If We Keep Talking in Circles, the Truth Will Throw Up
CR manager: The membership grade is effective for a year from the grad date that they told us, but I don't think they'll remember the grad date they said... But it's not actually a year...
Ad manager: But it's good for a year. Doesn't it update automatically?
CR manager: It is automatic, except when it isn't. It only gets updated once a year, so it may be good for over a year.
Ad manager: So we can't say a year if it isn't a year.
14 Fairfield Drive
Brookfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: all ears
9AM It's Not Like I Read Anything That Crosses My Desk
Lady peon: I can't believe I wrote 'Happy Birthday' on that card.
Coworker: You did? Did anyone fix it?
Lady peon: They're always passing around cards! How am I supposed to know it's a sympathy card?! Then I go asking when we're going to have cake!
Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM Followed by "Can't Get Off the Couch" and "Help Me, Dr. Phil"
Hospital aide: Yeah, these pants come in 'Large' and 'Holy shit, you're fat'!
Hospital
Monroeville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: The other aide
4PM And Kids Are Pretty Slippery to Start With
Worker bee in bathroom stall: I don't mind as long as he doesn't try to lube the kids with it. After all, those burns can be nasty.
10th Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
3PM Or That Some of Them Involved Donkeys
Cube rat on cell: So, I'm really annoyed because TJ* keeps ordering movies on the TV, and I told him he's going to have to pay for them... I just don't trust him... I know he's my boyfriend! You can block someone from doing that? Cool! ... I know, and he kept asking me whether I minded because he was ordering lots of movies, or if I minded that some of them were porn...
College admissions office
Wisconsin
2PM How Often Is That Necessary?
Boss: Me and my wife would drive a hundred miles for a jar of good pickles!
10749 West 84th Terrace
Lenexa, Kansas
Overheard by: PeaveyMan
1PM Hey, Teddy Ruxpin's Taken Bullets for Me
Sarge: You're lucky somebody around here likes you.
Office peon: Lots of people like me!
Sarge: Stuffed animals don't count.
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Shaye
12PM Maybe Across the Street at Oxy's? Moron.
Tourist to vendor: Do you know where I can buy kosher pork chops?
North Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Eavesdropping Jew
11AM It's Possible You Won't Believe What You See
Shipping clerk: I have a package here for you.
Asian scientist: What is in the box?
Shipping clerk: I don't know, but it's probably cells, since it says 'dry ice.'
Asian scientist: But what's in the box?
Shipping clerk: Why don't we take it to the lab and open the box?
Asian scientist: Okay, but what's in the box?
American scientist: I think that's the stuff you ordered.
Asian scientist: Oh, yes, okay. But what can possibly be in the box?
Columbus, Ohio
10AM My Label Says "Keep Away from Children"
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: [Blank stare.]
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: [Slight smirk.]
Coworker #1: What is it?
Coworker #2, smiling: Are you with child?
Coworker #1, growling: No!
Coworker #2: [Turns and quickly walks back to her office.]
600 Peachtree Street Northeast
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: cant believe she said it
9AM It's Only a Paradox If You Intend to Do Any of That
Boss: So, the word from corporate is that we're supposed to hang these on the windows as part of the new plan from Marketing?
Marketing assistant: Yeah.
Boss: But corporate service requirements say we're not ever allowed to hang anything on any windows.
Marketing assistant: Right. Essentially, we have to figure out a way to put them on the windows without actually putting them on the windows.
Boss: Awesome.
West Creek Drive
Richmond, Virginia
5PM Our Feet, for Instance
Office hottie #1: Just think of all the stuff we put in our mouths that we don't think about...
Office hottie #2: Ummm...
8891 Gander Creek
Dayton, Ohio
4PM Everyone Who Looks at You Will Smile
Gate agent: How cute you look in your outfit, Maria*!
Ramp agent in fluorescent jumpsuit, heading out to Tarmac: I look like a gigantic yellow highlighter.
Boarding area, JetBlue flight to JFK
Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
3PM Put a Nice Potted Plant on It?
Fashion designer girl #1: I really want a bookshelf, but I don't have any books.
Fashion designer girl #2: Maybe you could get a short one and paint it white.
8360 Melrose Avenue
West Hollywood, California
2PM I'm Not Crazy
Loud office chick: Oh, I always used to eat paper! But not, like, toilet paper. Like, notebook paper.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
1PM You Make an Excellent Point
Old, constantly inappropriate boss: I'm gonna bust your ass, girl.
Young girl employee: You'll do no such thing.
Old, constantly inappropriate boss: Oh, yeah? Why's that?
Young girl employee: Because I'd karate chop you in the jugular.
14th Street and 3rd Avenue
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Still can't believe I work here
12PM Now That We've Bathed and Bedded You
Cashier, handing customer a receipt: And here's a memento of our time together.
Bed, Bath, and Beyond
Jacksonville, Florida
11AM You Can Take Recycling Too Far
Office grunt: His lunch smells like he took a shit on a plate and microwaved it.
265 North Western Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Melissa B.
10AM And What of My Little Dog?
Network admin: Yeah, I saw Aladdin in the theater.
Help desk supervisor: That's because you're a faggot.
Network admin: No, it's because I have kids.
Help desk supervisor: Well, your kids are faggots, too.
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Frank
9AM Now, Would You Stop Bench-Pressing Me?
Supervisor to file clerk: You know, I really don't see you in the corporate workplace at all... I see you somewhere doing something violent like the American Gladiators or something.
101 South 5th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Candice
5PM He Hit the "Escape" Key and Exploded
Programmer: Does anyone want a free, almost clean keyboard?
Tech support peon: Not until you tell us what you just 'almost cleaned' off of it.
Programmer: Jeff*.
Tech support peon: Uhhh, no thanks.
Islington, London
England
4PM Best Boss I've Ever Had
Lady worker: He's the type of person that stands outside when it's raining to see if it's wet enough!
Commerce Street
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: pedestrian
3PM Nice Guys Finish Last, in Every Way
Boss: I'm going to get wrinkles from making the sympathy face.
101 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
2PM But Dr. Van Helsing Was There with a SpongeBob Bandage
Coworker, explaining Band-Aid inside his elbow: Dracula got me.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
1PM By a Tentacle
Cube rat: They need to have some kind of alien baby hanging off the front page...
Golden, Colorado
Overheard by: Peon
12PM Adequate Compension for My Stealing Your Wife
Editor, singing: I'm going to steal your chair when you're dead!
6th and Lavaca Streets
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: not getting up
11AM Might We Suggest a Job at FEMA?
Reporter: Aw, Alex*. Look at you helping people.
Editor, disgusted: I know. It really turns my stomach.
Press building
New Jersey
Overheard by: inothernews
10AM Those Bastards!
Fund raising exec: We keep hearing about these people who die, and we sit around waiting to hear what they're going to give to us, and it turns out they've left all their money to the crippled children!
Non-profit organization
Washington, DC
9AM Reader Poll: The Gum, the Women, or the Teeth?
Tech supporter #1: There's nothing you can't do in London.
Tech supporter #2: Yeah, it's like Tijuana without the Chiclets.
Wilsonville, Oregon
Overheard by: Neal
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