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5PM Her Office Is Decorated in a SpongeBob Theme
Hiring manager: I think I need to go have some fun.
Training manager: If you want to have a good time, you need to come into my office! ... If you want to have some fun... [Face turns red and she walks into her office.]
2835 Decker Lake Boulevard
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Cubicle spud
4PM And Die?
Office peon, brightly: Well, you're never too old to stop learning!
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Think I'll Do That
3PM The Heartbreak of Ugly Panty Line Can Strike without Warning
Lady peon to another: I'm so sorry! It's just a weird thing, and I usually don't hear that happening to a guy!
2211 North 1st Street
San Jose, California
2PM He Must Be Quite a Guy
Cube girl on phone: Don't call it my 'bosom' -- that makes me feel old. [A minute later] How many redheads with big boobs do you know?! Oh, your fiancée, I see. I didn't know that.
Houston, Texas
1PM Jersey? You Bastards!
Corporate boss on phone: Do you know where I am? Do you know where I am? I'm on Roosevelt-fucking-Island... Roosevelt-fucking-Island! In a fucking trailer! This is my life, okay? I was nauseous this morning 'cause I'm a schmuck. I'm on Roosevelt-fucking-Island... So tell me, does it get any worse?
Roosevelt Island, New York
Overheard by: Officetemp
12PM Since We Belt-Sanded Her
Creepster coworker: That leather is soft, like your mother's skin.
Brush College Road
Decatur, Illinois
Overheard by: My mother's softer than leather
11AM A Cover Charge Keeps Out the Riffraff
Company owner: I don't shove anything up my ass unless it costs at least 50 dollars.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
10AM I Had to Do Something While the Stereo Was Being Installed
Mousy waitress: Did it take you long to put it in?
Timid waiter: Like an hour.
Brassy waitress, walking up: We talkin' 'bout the big stereo in your car or your big wang in a skeezer's ass?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM ... From My Mom
30-ish guy shouting from desk: What's a MILF? [Everyone laughs.] No, really -- what is a MILF? I just got an e-mail about it!
Virginia
5PM Tonight's Movie: Sideways
Colleague #1: Hey, that girl -- does she have those underwear on the wrong way?
Colleague #2: Yeah. Funny, huh?
Terrell, Texas
Overheard by: HR Rep
4PM Without Drugs, the Restaurant Business Would Cease to Exist
Guy training hostess to roll silverware: Do you know how to roll a blunt?
Hostess: No...
Guy: Well, it's pretty much the same way.
Mexican Restaurant
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Hilary
3PM Oh, Shut Up and Put Your Shirt on
Office guy: Have you been working out?
Intern: Uh, yeah, why?
Office guy: I can tell [walks away].
Intern, to another: Was he just hitting on me?
Parkway Drive
Hanover, Maryland
2PM I'm Also a Little Vague on What We Do Here
Boss to assistant: Well, I don't remember what all I had, um, asked you to do before I went on vacation, but did you, like, um, do it?
Non-profit agency
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: steeleskillz
1PM Neither Improves the Turkey's Flavor, Though
Lady peon: You can fit a lot tampons in there, but pads are a completely different story.
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: So What?
12PM They Don't Look Too Good, Either
60-ish suit in Cubs jacket on cell: I'm on the bus right now. I'm going to the Cubs game. Well, I just left Dad, and I gotta say, it doesn't look too good. They're feeding him through a stomach tube and they've got him on a drip. You know, he had that quadruple bypass a couple of years ago and he's got diabetes now... He's been unconscious most of the time when I visit him, and... Yeah, well, don't wish me good luck. The Cubbies are the ones who need it!
Clarke Street bus
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: priorities schmiorities
11AM The Miscarriage Surfaced Three Days Later, Though
Office grunt: So, I had this one night stand with this girl, and the next day I got a phone message that said, 'I had a miscarriage in your toilet.' Then she came back and cleaned my entire apartment and paid my phone bill, and I never heard from her again.
6th and Main Street
Los Angeles, California
10AM Take Part in This Quick Survey and We Can End This Charade
University phone solicitor: So, did you hear that the College of Letters, Arts, and Sciences has a new dean?!
Guy being solicited: I don't really care.
University phone solicitor: Me neither.
Jefferson and McClintock Avenue
Los Angeles, California
9AM Not the Kind of Market Penetration We Want
Communications manager: Conclusion is, don't eat your sex toys!
Sex toy factory
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: TinkMom
5PM Good, Clean Battles to the Death
Male coworker to lady coworkers, about relationship with sister: We never said anything nasty to each other -- it was just physical violence.
Hemel Hempstead
United Kingdom
Overheard by: sticks and stones...
4PM My Secret? Vodka Oreos.
Manager: Did you see the game last night?
Coordinator: I was drunk. [Takes bite of Oreo.]
Manager: Huh?
Coordinator: Yeah, I'm drunk every day. S'matter of fact, I'm drunk right now!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
3PM You Mean Rhode Island Red?
Lady suit: Did you see that chicken?
Male suit: What?
Lady suit: Yeah, the chicken with the keyboard...
Male suit: Um...
120 Fairview Park
Washington, DC
2PM I Feel Bad for Him after the Tar-and-Feather Incident
Peon, after colleague leaves: I thought we agreed you weren't going to talk to him so he wouldn't come over any more!
Alpharetta, Georgia
1PM ... For the Smothering
Coworker: I wish I could get to the paper first. She always finds the obituaries before I get a chance and cuts them out... Except for the time my grandma died and my mom placed a huge obit out of guilt.
Yamhill Street
Portland, Oregon
12PM Same Old Story: Boy Meets Girl, Nobody Knows What to Do Next
Mechanic: You smell like sex.
Female coworker: You mean I smell like you want to have sex with me? Or I smell like I just had sex? 'Cause... 'Cause there's a big difference.
Mechanic: Oh, the first one. You smell like I want to have sex with you.
Female coworker: Oh. I want to have sex with you, too.
Mechanic: [Silence.]
Female coworker: ... I mean, you smell. [Walks away with confused look on her face.]
Westchester, New York
Overheard by: He did kind of smell ... like sex.
11AM And Then Offered Us a Bite
Cube dweller #1: Oooh, Friday is in full swing.
Cube dweller #2: What makes you say that?
Cube dweller #1: You just used the phrase 'fetus piece.'
35 Thorpe Avenue
Wallingford, Connecticut
Overheard by: jesse
10AM Wow, That's the Biggest Subpoena I've Ever Seen
Loud female lawyer: I'll show you yours if you show me mine! Wait, the other way around...
Evanston, Illinois
Overheard by: cubicle across the hall
9AM And Whistle While I Work
Worker #1: She is too hot.
Worker #2: Do you want to touch her where she wees?
Worker #3: I want to touch her while she wees.
Norwich
England
5PM But That Gerbil Was the Best Darned Chimney Sweep I'd Ever Seen
Male boss: It was uncomfortable how far up there she was.
Ellicott City, Maryland
4PM Of Course You Do
CSR: What time is it?
Manager: Look at your computer. See those numbers in the lower left-hand corner? That's the time.
CSR: Oh. Well, what I need to know is, what time is it in Guam?
3912 North 29th Avenue
Hollywood, Florida
Overheard by: George
3PM And a Half!
Male coworker, as female places personal ad: Did you just say you were five years old?!
21135 Erwin Street
Woodland Hills, California
2PM I'll Shave This Beard, Put on a Nice Dress and Get on the Bus
Coworker to self: I can't perpetuate this freak show.
West Superior Street
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Zippo Pour L'Homme
Editor: I smell lighter fluid. Is that new cologne someone's wearing?
News building, 57th Street and 10th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Nik
12PM The Colonies Needed a Big Hancock
Council member: I heard you need my John Doe on something.
Clerk: I need your signature on some documents.
Council member: Yeah, my John Doe.
Clerk, laughing: You mean your John Hancock -- John Doe is an anonymous dead body. [Council member looks puzzled.] John Hancock has the biggest signature on the Declaration of Independence -- that's where the term comes from.
Council member: Oh.
City Hall
San Francisco, California
11AM There Can Be No Obesity without Denial
Office girl #1: I don't like lettuce.
Office girl #2: You don't eat lettuce? Why'd you get a salad?
Office girl #1: Because I need to lose weight! I'm getting fat!
Office girl #2: What else is that in your salad?
Office girl #1: Chicken.
Office girl #2: Grilled or fried?
Office girl #1: Ummm... Fried...
Office girl #2: Uh-huh... Is that cheese I see in there?
Office girl #1: Yes!
Office girl #2: And are those Bacon Bits?
Office girl #1: Shut up! And no, it's real bacon!
Office girl #2: And you aren't gonna eat the lettuce?
Office girl #1: I will stab you with my fork! Go away!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Why Workplaces Should Have Principals' Offices
Short woman whispering to self, as tall man holds door for her: Shit. Unbelievable. [Tall man stares at her.]
Tall man, to another woman: You know, she did this to me once before. I had to ride the elevator with her muttering to herself about me until another elevator opened across the hall and she ran away into it. [Continues staring at short woman until elevator stops.]
Short woman, yelling as exits the elevator: Maybe it's because you smell!
Other woman: Well, aren't you a charming thing. [Doors shut.]
330 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Dirty Librarian
9AM A Nice One -- Not Too Expensive
Coworker #1: Congrats on your bush transplant!
Coworker #2: Thanks!
Coworker #3, overhearing: Uh, yeah, congrats on your bush transplant. I didn't know that was a procedure. Was it medically necessary?
Coworker #2 to #1: You should have said 'shrubbery' instead!
Austin, Texas
5PM So It's Not All Bad
Lady peon #1: If we keep working at this rate we are A -- going to get sick, B -- going to be tired, and C -- going to hate each other!
Lady peon #2: ... You forgot D -- divorced.
Tallahassee, Florida
4PM The More Meetings We Have to Improve Things, the Worse Things Get
Tech manager: The sales manager cannot take that complaint call because he is preparing to go to a CRM meeting.
Tech supervisor: What is CRM?
Tech manager: Customer relations management.
Tech supervisor: Can you see the irony in that?
Tech manager: Well, they are having this meeting so that this sort of problem doesn't happen.
Tech supervisor: Can you see the irony in that, too?
Houston, Texas
3PM Might As Well Shave Your Head While You're at It
Female coworker, as another is delivered flowers: Every time I see the flower delivery guy I hope it's for me. I wish someone would send me something nice like that. Oh, well. I'll just take a piece of chocolate from the candy dish.
Male coworker: That's right, decrease your chances even further.
Route 110
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Drone
2PM I'm Up for Finding Out
Boss to statistician entering the room: We were just wondering if it was even possible to be overlay-ed?
Arnett Avenue
Lambertville, New Jersey
Overheard by: Overjoyed
1PM Instead We'll Have a Class on "Constructive Disagreement"
Male boss, after female employee leaves room after argument: Now I know why men beat their wives.
465 Democrat Road
Memphis, Tennessee
12PM Which Answer Will Get Me Change?
Cube girl #1: Do you have change for a ten?
Cube girl #2: Do I look like a stripper?
Stratford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Deek
11AM Yeah, and Scrambling the Data. Nice Work!
Sales rep #1: Here's that spreadsheet. I hid the columns you didn't need so it would fit on one page.
Sales rep #2: How did you do that? I have been cutting and pasting all this time!
Sales rep #1: Cutting and pasting?
Sales rep #2, pulling out three pieces of paper, cut and taped together to make one big spreadsheet: See? I cut and pasted!
Virginia
Overheard by: What!?
10AM More of a City-State Than a Country
Office girl #1: But I thought he was, like, Mexican or Brazilian or something.
Office girl #2: No, he's Filipino.
Office girl #1: Oh, so, like... Um...
Office girl #2: It's like half-Mexican, half-Chinese.
Office girl #1: But he's gay, right?
Office girl #2: Definitely -- all gay.
Office girl #1: He's from Gay Land!
Ad agency
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Half-Offended-Half-Laughing
9AM After the Dessert, She Said, "Thank You, Sir, May I Have Another?"
Elegant old lady, as waiter comes around: ... I could say the same thing about S&M, but no. There's nothing wrong with S&M! [Waiter looks at her, aghast, and then starts laughing.] Oh... Um, I'll have the hazelnut gelato.
Elegant old male companion: And don't forget the whip!
Cafe Dante, MacDougal Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Me
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